Red Pill (2)
"This one's for depression, this is valproic acid, and these are vitamins."
Technical terms like that? I won't get it.
"Oh, it's just a habit of mine... ahem. In simple terms, it's bipolar meds."
My attending physician—Oh Yeonseo noona—handed them over with that offhand explanation.
I must've sobbed uncontrollably for hours after getting smacked in the face with a pillow. My under-eyes were swollen puffy from all the tears. I couldn't bear to look in the mirror, but I knew I looked like absolute hell.
"Just so you know, this disease messes with your hormones big time since it flips your gender. Estrogen levels go all over the place, making you prone to stuff like depression."
I couldn't follow Yeonseo noona's entire explanation. All I grasped was that my mental state was unstable from the gender change—depression, bipolar disorder, and now aphasia from the extreme psychological shock. The more she went on, the less encouraging it all sounded from my perspective.
So aphasia, depression, bipolar... and hallucinations too?
"Right. The mutism thing is technically called selective mutism... oh, sorry. Habit again."
Yeonseo noona said she can't stop once she starts explaining—someone has to hit the brakes for her.
"Basically, I'm an explainer. So you gotta deal with it, okay?"
"Ughhh…."
Her personality didn't mesh well with my current state. My face was so shadowed I'd forgotten how to smile, and her vibe was the total opposite.
"Making that gloomy face just makes it worse, you know? Your emotions are gonna swing wild from here on out—laughing one second, crying the next. Might as well laugh a lot, right?"
Even as doctorly advice in this depressing atmosphere, it didn't feel that easy.
"Anyway, that's the deal. So accept it and get used to it quick. Denying it only makes it harder—especially the ethical stuff…."
Ethical stuff? Her trailing off created this weird tension, and I couldn't figure out why.
Ethics... with my gender changed, what ethical issues could there be?
"Ughhh…."
No matter how I racked my brain, nothing came to mind, and a frustrated groan slipped out.
Yeonseo noona glanced at me, her face tinged with hesitation, lips moving like she was chewing on words she couldn't quite spit out. She seemed like she had to say something but couldn't bring herself to.
After agonizing for a bit, my curiosity won out, and I grabbed the whiteboard first.
No clue. What's this ethical part?
"Y-you really have no idea? Um... promise you won't get mad if I tell you?"
Why would I get mad?
"You're so innocent for a kid these days…."
She muttered to herself in admiration, but her eyes stayed fixed on me, hesitant to speak. She claimed to love explaining things, yet here she was contradicting herself.
Right then, she flashed a determined smile and locked eyes with me.
"Women's underwear... there's kinda a lot of cute ones? Once you get used to 'em, they're pretty comfy?"
No time to process. That bombshell hit out of nowhere, and I hurled the board marker straight at Yeonseo noona.
"Gahk?!"
Thwack! It nailed her right in the head.
"Oof!!! Uggghhhh!!!!!!"
I couldn't speak, just babbled in groans, but I knew one thing for sure. My face right now must've been a sight from her perspective….
The pillow fight fiasco from the day before had somehow made me open up to Yeonseo noona more than my own family. Part of it was that she wouldn't leave me alone if I ignored her completely, but I also felt her subtle consideration as someone who'd been through the same disease. Still, I couldn't tell if her playfulness was genuine or just her messing with me.
"Ahh, that mistake... I did it a ton at first too…."
I was lost in thought when her voice pulled my head her way. She froze mid-gesture, looking super awkward as she gauged my reaction.
Sorry.
I scribbled a quick apology, then hid my face behind the whiteboard, too embarrassed to meet her eyes.
Suddenly, it hit me how powerful meds really are. The depression and bipolar pills didn't hit with some dramatic rush at first. If anything, they made me insanely drowsy, like the whole world dimmed. Dazed from the drowsiness, I stumbled to the bathroom in a half-dream state—that's where my ingrained guy habits betrayed me. By the time I realized I'd soiled myself standing up, it was too late. The warm trickle down my legs snapped my foggy brain awake.
"At least you didn't wet the bed while sleeping? Aaa! Ow!! Sorry! I'm sorry!!"
"Ahhh…!!"
I swung a pillow at her even in this mess. Not funny at all. What used to be normal for me now created these laughless disasters. I hated having to confront reality in these tiny ways too.
Ah, wanna cry again.
"Ahhh… ugh…!"
"D-don't cry with that face... I feel like the bad guy…."
Yeonseo noona panicked and soothed me as always. Maybe from the hormone chaos, this body was way too tear-prone. Anyway, the moment had passed, but the damp clothes chafed my nerves. Patient gowns were easy to swap, but cleaning up came first.
"How about a shower? Gotta feel gross, right."
Predictably, "shower" popped from her mouth. My shoulders flinched involuntarily.
No.
I shook my head furiously, rejecting it outright. But as a doctor, she overruled me.
"No way. Patient hygiene is crucial…."
She grabbed my wrist while saying that.
"Eek!"
The feel of someone else's skin on my arm startled a wimpy squeak out of me.
"You haven't bathed in ages anyway, right? Normal inpatients get 1-2 baths a week—know that?"
I didn't. Even if I did, bathing was the last thing I wanted. I'd avoided mirrors out of fear of my changed body; suddenly facing it in the shower was a huge hurdle.
Can't I just wipe with a wet towel?
"Absolutely not. I'm only suggesting leniency out of consideration—you need to wash now!"
"N-nooo!! Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!"
I thrashed with desperate groans despite her persuasion, wrapping myself in the blanket like a cocoon, clinging tight in defense mode. Pointless. She hoisted me over her shoulder blanket and all. My final muffled "Ahhh! Ahh!!" from inside did nothing. After my futile resistance, she dumped me in the communal shower and locked the door.
"It's fine. Cover your eyes and you won't see a thing. Trust me."
"Heee…!!"
With that, my vision went dark. Weakened by the gender transformation disease and my nutrient-starved hikikomori life, I couldn't fight her off physically. Towel over my eyes left pitch blackness. Then, in that void, foreign hands touched my bare skin—starting at my arms, sliding down my slimmed waist like a slimy snake. My shoulders shivered in revulsion.
"Hic!"
A weird moan escaped from the waist sensation.
"H-hey!! D-don't make weird noises!!!"
Her flustered voice echoed from the darkness, but her hands didn't stop.
"H-heek! Heeeek!!!"
"J-just bear with it a sec?! This is embarrassing for me too!!"
Finally, those hands reached my thighs.
"Heeeeee!!!!!"
"Aaaaaah?!"
My patience snapped. I shrieked weakly and flailed at her. My nails scraped something, and her scream rang out right after.