Circuits Frozen, Fangs Bared
My brain's circuits froze the moment I swallowed the red pill. The woman's words in front of me rang in my ears like a vicious lie. My mind, having slammed shut its doors, had simplified to an extreme degree. Monster. The person before me was nothing more than a monster that just wanted to get close to me. I no longer wanted to form any relationships between people.
Not content with flipping my gender upside down, my body couldn't even speak properly now. The thought that no one in this world could possibly like a disabled freak like me dominated my head. I wasn't myself anymore. The emotional me who used to laugh, cry, and get angry like before was nowhere to be found. The woman in front of me surely despised me. Right now, my body was neither male nor female. If she was a doctor, she was definitely just intrigued by this unrealistic situation itself.
"Why so quiet? Are you happy to meet someone who had the same symptoms... Ugh?!"
I bit the arm she reached out to me. There was no time to think. It was a movement close to instinct. Eyes bloodshot with the ferocity of devouring my opponent, I glared at her face. I hated myself, and I hated everything. The world in front of my eyes was hopelessly distorted. In my head, the old me as a guy was mocking the current me. A familiar voice, the most unwelcome laugh, pierced through me with a single phrase.
'Struggling like that is cute, huh?'
What was the purpose of tormenting me like this? Even that thought felt bothersome. I didn't want to search for reasons, create emotions, or do anything anymore. The taste of blood slowly spread in my mouth. The woman just frowned for a moment before reaching out to me again.
"Uh...!! Ahh...!!"
Meaningless sounds leaked from my throat. No matter how hard I tried to squeeze out my voice, it was useless. In that instant, an indescribable fear crashed over me all at once. I hurriedly pulled the blanket over myself, wrapping my whole body in it. I trembled faintly inside. My breath quickened, and my vision shook. There was a clear bite mark on her forearm, with blood slowly trickling from it. But she looked at it as if it were nothing and quietly sat down beside me. She didn't run away or get angry—just calmly stared right at my face.
"That's too much... Even if you're scared, come on... This might need stitches, you know?"
Without a hint of doubt, she kept talking as she inched closer to me. My gaze flicked toward her face. She looked so young that I doubted she was really a doctor—a woman with a long ponytail and an overall vibrant, lively impression filled my view.
"Oh? Finally in the mood to talk?"
Seeming to notice my gaze, she met my eyes with a much brighter expression.
"Flailing around like that means you're at least healthy, right? How are you feeling?"
How do I feel? Was she mocking me?
"Well, no need to force yourself to talk. You just got through the toughest hurdle of the gender transformation disease, after all."
Saying that, she meaningless placed her hand on my head and ruffled my hair wildly.
"Ah, ahhh! Ahh!!"
Her sudden action naturally drew baby-like groans from my mouth. I wanted to yell at her to stop, but with no voice coming out, frustration welled up intensely.
"Still hard to talk, huh? I get that feeling well."
"Uh... uh...."
For some reason, I felt like I was being led around by this woman in front of me.
"Well, recovering your strength comes first right now. Let's talk later?"
As I just let out groans without responding, she gave my face a pitying look before standing up from her seat.
"If you need anything, press that nurse call over there!"
With those words, the woman left the hospital room. Once she was gone, a quiet silence filled the room. Left alone, I clutched the blanket tightly and sank into thought.
Ever since being hospitalized, I hadn't had much chance for deep thinking. If there was a reason, it was because of the doctor named Oh Yeonseo who kept barging in uninvited and tormenting me at all hours. She told me to call her Yeonseo-unnie casually and showed up without hesitation, always stealing my time and keeping me busy.
"Hi! You look like you're about to die again today?"
"…………."
True to form, she showed up today and tossed out her pointless joke. I glared at her with irritated eyes. I still couldn't lower my guard against her, so my face naturally scrunched up.
"How's your body? Still uncomfortable talking?"
To her perfunctory question, I roughly scribbled on the whiteboard.
I haven't pressed the nurse call even once.
"Cold reaction again today?"
Confirming the whiteboard, my attending physician naturally handed over today's meds and struck up a conversation with her usual easy smile.
My eyes shifted to the pill packets—too many varieties to count flooded my vision.
"Worried about them?"
"…………."
I could only nod silently to that question. It had been about a week since I was diagnosed with the gender transformation disease and admitted here. The doctor in front of me, Oh Yeonseo, was the persistent type who wouldn't leave until I responded to her questions. I had no choice but to obey her like a trained puppy, wagging my tail. If I didn't, she wouldn't leave me alone...
"D-don't look at me like that. It's scary..."
I'd only been staring silently, but she made an awkward face first and backed off a bit.
"Staring at me with those dead, expressionless eyes is scary. You're already a beauty—how about smiling a little?"
Irritation boiled up. It was absurd that she could crack jokes like that when my very existence had vanished due to the disease.
"Come on, don't be like that—smile for me."
Feeling my patience reach its limit, her sudden action burst out as expected. She forcibly hooked her fingers at the corners of my mouth and pulled them up to my ears.
"H-heek?!"
A weird groan escaped my mouth in that instant.
"Hehe, I figured, but your smile's pretty cute too? You must've been popular back when you were a guy?"
With her tomboyish eye smile, Attending Physician Oh Yeonseo toyed with me like a plaything, not thinking about consequences. Rage surged, and my irritation exploded.
"Ahhhh!! Hah!!! Heek!!!!"
Face flushing red, I flailed at her as she played with me. I grabbed a pillow and threw it, huffed and puffed, rolled up the blanket like a weapon and swung it. But Oh Yeonseo treated all my actions like mere play.
"Oho? Pillow fight, is it?"
Out of nowhere, she said that, snatched the pillow rolling on the floor, and hurled it straight at me.
"Ugh?!"
The pillow she threw smacked my face dead-on. It didn't really hurt. But after taking a pillow to the face from her, some inexplicable feeling of grievance exploded inside me.
"H-hic! Sniff!"
In that moment, tears plopped down my cheeks. Annoying. I couldn't figure out why she had to bother me this much. I wasn't her convenient plaything. What was her goal in pestering me like this? It made no sense.
"H-hic, sob!! Sniff!!"
Once the tears burst, I couldn't stop them no matter what. Controlling my emotions about myself was impossible.
"Ah, uh?! I-I didn't mean to make you cry..."
Panicking, she approached cautiously. The same Oh Yeonseo who had been enjoying tormenting me moments ago now gently patted my back.
Even after belittling myself and pushing people away, her comforting touch as I sobbed wasn't unwelcome.
"H-hic!! Sob! Waaah!!"
"Yeah, maybe crying your heart out like this is good for you. Must've been tough crying alone all this time?"
It was sly. When she said it like it was her own issue, I had no clue how to respond. I'd refused even family visits and chosen to be a loner, but deep down, I still craved human touch. I had no idea what to do going forward. Did I have to live as a girl like this? Was the old me as a guy really gone? For real? Would my family accept me now? No. Having thoughts like that would just summon the old me from my dreams, smirking bitterly and condemning me. It was obvious he'd point fingers, telling me to give up and live as a girl already. But even so, I didn't want to be alone.