The Loner’s Melancholy (3)
At the sound of my sister’s voice after so long, I scrambled to my feet with a confused look on my face. I wasn’t ready yet. There were too many unresolved emotions and anxieties inside me to face my family again. I gritted my teeth and put strength into my legs, but my twisted body wouldn’t obey. Even just stumbling around made me look like I’d collapse any second.
“…Ah… uh… eek…”
In the end, my body, which had been backing away, gave out and sank powerlessly to the floor. My sister stood there with her mouth open, staring at me silently for a while. That quiet gaze choked me even more. Instinctively, I hugged my body with both arms and trembled. Like a quaking aspen, for no reason I could name.
I’m scared. I thought it would be okay, but seeing her face up close, no words came out. What was I supposed to do now? I felt so pathetic in this state. Terrified my secret would be exposed, I looked so pitiful even in front of the person closest to me.
As time passed, strength drained from my body. Curled up on the floor, I barely squeezed out a sound like ragged breathing.
“Uh… eek…”
My sister looked down at me for a few seconds before setting down the bag on her back and slowly approaching. Did I even deserve to face my family like this? My mind a tangled mess, I looked up at her with frightened eyes. Her hand reached toward me cautiously.
“Hng… eek…”
“You’ll catch a cold like that. What are you doing out here since dinner? You look so weird…”
The soft touch on my head made a stupid sound slip out before I knew it. I stared blankly at my sister, who was stroking my hair just as gently as before—no, even more carefully. She took off the uniform camisole she was wearing and draped it over my shoulders, frowning slightly as she spoke.
“What’s with that face? You acting like it’s your first time seeing me?”
I couldn’t say a word and just shook my head side to side. Caught off guard by her unexpected actions, I clutched the uniform camisole draped over me tightly with both hands. She smiled with the same face as a year ago, picked up her bag, and headed up to her room. That completely normal attitude toward me made a corner of my heart itch strangely while also filling me with unease.
Unable to shake off the nagging feeling, I cautiously followed behind her up the stairs. How could she treat someone like me so casually? Every step up the stairs left me breathless. Just a few steps made my lungs burn. As soon as I reached the second floor, I collapsed right there, gasping for air. My legs throbbed. It hit me anew how much time without moving had wrecked my body.
“Whoa… Aren’t you seriously out of shape?”
I clutched my chest, looking up at my sister peering down at me. My heart was pounding like mad.
“Thanks for giving back the uniform. Oh, and… um… Never mind. Try to come to school if you can?”
My heart sank at the word school.
“You haven’t been expelled yet. Let’s go to school together sometimes. If you keep staying like this… you look kinda dangerous.”
With that, she went into her room. Not expelled? I’d thought I was done with school forever. But her words brought both hope and confusion. If I could go back to school, could I live like before? No, was it even possible in this state? My body was already close to a girl’s. In a crowded place like school, getting found out was just a matter of time. The anxiety welled up from deep inside. Her “let’s go together” felt strangely terrifying.
Back in my room, I stared at the unfamiliarly tidy space, then pulled the blanket over me as I sat in the computer chair. When I set down the game controller in my hand, cold sweat beaded on my palms. How many hours a day was I gaming? Checking the playtime made me clutch my head. The numbers forced me to face reality.
Since my body changed, I’d only lived in this room. In games, I could still act like a guy, breathing easy among people whose names and faces I didn’t know. But the real me was so fragile. My gaze naturally drifted to my chest. Touching it carefully sent a throbbing pain through me.
“It hurts…”
Why hadn’t anyone noticed? Suddenly, my sister’s face, treating me so normally, came to mind. Was she pretending not to know, or did she really not? Her naturalness only amplified my anxiety. Lying on the bed, I stared at the boy’s uniform hanging on the rack. Clothes I could no longer wear. Out of curiosity, I tried them on carefully, but they didn’t fit my body. Baggy sleeves, pants slipping down. Another moment confirming reality.
“Do you want to go to school?”
Mom’s voice from behind made me silently burrow under the blanket.
“……”
A brief silence passed.
“How about meeting your homeroom teacher with me tomorrow…”
“……I’ll go.”
The words came out faster than I expected. Mom smiled in surprise and hung the uniform back up.
“Then let’s get ready slowly tomorrow.”
Answering in a voice trembling with anxiety, I pulled the blanket over me again. I didn’t know what would happen next, but at least tomorrow, I’d step out of this room. Just that fact alone kept my heart pounding uneasily.
* * *
For the first time in ages, I had a dream that warmed a corner of my heart. As if nothing had happened, I was going to school as usual, chatting idly with friends. During boring classes, we all scowled together at our desks, half-listening to the teacher. A typical, utterly ordinary day for a high school boy.
When the 50-minute class finally ended and lunchtime came, I grabbed my wallet with my friends and headed to the school store. As always, we filled up on bread for lunch, returned to the classroom, and laughed and talked without a care. How long had it been since I felt this normal school life? Best of all, my body in the dream was unmistakably male. Nothing like the nightmares that had tormented me lately—the horrific visions of my body slowly turning into a girl’s. The terror that woke me in cold sweats every dawn proved to be just a dream; right now, I was fine. Relieved, as I tore open the bread bag, a low, eerie voice came from behind me.
“What’s that noise? But you’re already a girl.”
“Huh? What’re you suddenly talking about?”
“What else? Look at this.”
The next instant, an indescribable pain pierced my abdomen. A suffocating agony surged up my throat with a nauseating sensation. I collapsed to the floor, vomiting blood. Writhing and clutching my body, the pain only worsened. It hurt so much. Even breathing was agony, like my insides were tearing apart. The metallic taste of blood filled my mouth and seeped into my mind. Desperately, I looked up and reached toward my friends.
Help me. Please.
“Hey, eating that limited edition all by yourself is kinda unfair, right?”
“I dunno.”
“But aren’t we forgetting something?”
“What was it…”
My friends laughed as if they saw nothing, continuing their conversation. Right in front of them, I was puking blood and collapsing, yet they munched on bread, enjoying lunch as usual. Why couldn’t anyone see me? Why was I the only one left like this, treated like I didn’t exist? I hate being a loner. I can’t stand being alone anymore.
“I… I hate… being alone…!”
Then, a familiar yet strange voice rang out again.
“Too bad. But you’re not the guy I used to be anymore, right?”
I looked up, and there stood “another me” with the exact same appearance as my past self. Same face, same build, same expression. The only difference was the blatant mockery in his eyes.
“That’s too much. Why would I be you? Look at this.”
He roughly grabbed my chest. Sharp pain spread, choking me.
“This alone proves you’re a girl. What else could it be?”
He let go with a sneer and turned casually toward my friends.
“Pathetic… but cuter than I thought. Now you can even get pregnant. How about living a different life?”
Laughter filled the classroom. My friends chatted naturally with “another me” as if nothing happened, like he’d always been there. In the place where I should have been, living the life I should have, he was taking it all. I was the only one who could see it. No—only he could see me.
This isn’t right. That spot was mine. I won’t let you take my life so easily.
Gradually, my reflected image became a complete girl’s form. And with it, my daily life slipped further away.
“Live well, little miss.”
“No… that’s my life! Give it back! Please!”
A scream tore from my throat. Give it back. I don’t want this. This was my daily life. The life of the boy I was. With the scream, I opened my eyes.
“Kya!!!”
My breath came in gasps, my whole body shaking violently. The scream wouldn’t stop.
“Sua! What’s wrong?! What happened?!”
“I hate it!! I hate this!!!”
I heard Mom’s voice, but reality didn’t return easily. The nightmare was over, but reality remained the same. I felt the family gathered at my door. Dad, sister, and Mom. All staring at me silently.
“Are you… Sua?”
No answer came. My vision blurred, my chest tightened. Who am I? What have I become? The other me who stole everything in the dream was still laughing in my head. I didn’t want to become a girl. Yet my daily life vanished so easily. I was a boy. I was Kim Sua. That fact, at least, I would never let be taken.