A Loner's Melancholy (2)
The scent of warm rice tickled my nose.
“……”
I brought the spoon to my mouth without a word.
Mom didn't rush me. She just gave me a soft smile and gently patted my back.
“Eat slowly, okay? I can make more if you want.”
It had been so long since I'd had a proper hot meal. My starving stomach reacted honestly, forgetting all about my embarrassment. I kept my head down, gripping the spoon with trembling hands and swallowing the rice.
Ever since the gender changes started bit by bit, I hadn't had a real meal in ages. Holed up in my room, killing time with games and the internet, I'd gotten by on cup ramen or snacks. A life devoid of nutrition, endless anxiety, and guilt had left my body visibly weakened.
The living room was just Mom and me. I still hadn't told her the whole truth, but after what happened a few hours ago, I'd reached out to her—just a tiny bit, really.
I clutched the spoon with hands that felt like they'd snap if I gripped too hard, slowly filling the emptiness inside me.
Mom watched me silently.
Her face had grown noticeably gaunt over the past year. That gaze pierced my heart.
As the boundaries of my gender blurred more and more, I'd become hypersensitive. I shrank back unconsciously.
“...Those scars on your right wrist... what are they...?”
Mom's voice trembled low.
The moment I looked up, she was holding my wrist. Her eyes were brimming with tears ready to fall.
I yanked my hand behind my back on reflex.
Over ten scars. Wounds so deep that even a glance showed how desperately I'd wanted to die. They were healed now, but ugly all the same.
Mom's hands shook.
“If it was that hard... why didn't you tell Mom? Why try to carry it all alone...?”
“...Uh...”
No voice came out. Air just leaked from my throat like it was blocked.
It wasn't that I didn't want to speak. I couldn't.
I didn't know how to explain myself—neither fully man nor woman anymore. I was terrified she'd see me as a monster, that even she—the one I'd finally reached out to—would abandon me completely.
Soon, with just a little more time, I'd have a woman's body entirely. The Kim Sua who'd been a boy would vanish. The ordinary me, the old me—gone.
How could I confess something like that?
“It's okay... you don't have to say anything.”
Mom pulled me into a hug.
“Mom will take care of everything. So don't bear it alone anymore.”
In her arms, I cried quietly. Regret and relief twisted together in my chest, aching.
Why did my heart feel so at ease now? Why did I only now realize I wasn't lonely?
Looking down at the scars on my wrist, regret flooded me. It hadn't just been me suffering. While I'd been crumbling for the past year, my family must have hurt too.
“I... w-want... forgiveness...”
A tiny voice leaked out.
“It's okay. Everything will be okay. Let's just stay together today, alright?”
I nodded without a word.
I didn't want to go back to being a loner. Even if I'd become a monster, I still wanted to be human.
“I-I'll... leave the door... open...”
“Good. Shall we start with cleaning?”
Mom smiled and picked up the cleaning supplies.
I sat on the living room sofa and turned on the TV blankly. The house was the same, but it felt unfamiliar.
A children's program was playing on TV.
“Boring...”
School suddenly crossed my mind. I hadn't gone in over half a year. I might even be expelled.
But could I even go back like this?
Then Mom's voice called out.
“Sua, want to clean your room together?”
I nodded at her request and cautiously stood up. Just moving after so long, my legs felt weak.
“C-Cleaning... it's my room, so...”
As I spoke, my stomach churned oddly. I'd felt off since eating, but I'd ignored it.
One step. Another.
Then it hit.
Pain started squeezing inside my gut, slowly twisting from within. Not a stabbing pain, but a deep, wrenching one that made my chest tighten like I couldn't breathe.
Again...?
It was a familiar warning sign. I gritted my teeth and tried to stand straight, but it was too late.
My vision shook. The floor tilted, my legs gave out.
“Sua?”
Mom's voice sounded distant. I reached for the wall on instinct, but my hand swiped air. I lost balance, stumbling forward.
“Aah...”
I didn't fall hard, but my knees hit the floor with a jolt. Breathless, I couldn't make a sound.
“Sua! Are you okay?!”
Mom rushed over and caught me. I shook my head and forced myself up. I didn't want to worry her more.
“N-No... I'm fine...”
Something still surged inside me. Whatever had risen to my throat, I swallowed it back down, teeth clenched.
A metallic taste spread in my mouth. I quickly bowed my head, wiping my mouth with my sleeve before Mom noticed. I balled my fist to hide the red stain.
“Does it hurt somewhere? Dizzy?”
“No... just...”
I caught my breath while choosing words. My heart raced too fast.
“Been in my room so long... my strength's... drained, I guess...”
It was a lame excuse, pathetic even to me. But right now, it was all I had.
Mom studied my face closely. Seeing my pallor and trembling hands, she bit her lip.
“That's why I said I'd stay with you...”
She slowly led me back to the sofa and sat me down. She draped a blanket over me and held a glass of water to my lips.
“Don't move suddenly. Rest a bit, okay?”
I nodded. My stomach still felt off, but not enough to make noise anymore.
Mom seemed to take it as temporary dizziness from weakness. I leaned on that misunderstanding and held my breath quietly.
When she glanced toward the room, I swallowed again. The metallic taste lingered.
If she finds out... it's over.
That thought alone kept me silent.
**
“Ugh, uuh...”
My head throbbed. But strangely, my body felt light, refreshed like after a deep sleep in ages.
I opened my eyes to blinding light filling my vision. Squinting, I sat up.
“Wha... my room...”
The messy, stuffy room from before I slept was spotless now, like it had never been cluttered. No piles of junk by the bed, no clothes on the floor.
Stunned, I looked around and noticed the wide-open door.
“Ah... it wasn't a dream...”
I muttered to myself and carefully got up. My head was a bit heavy from oversleeping, but my body definitely felt better.
Anxious for no reason, I scanned the clean room once more before heading to the living room.
It was quiet. Like yesterday's chaos was a lie, everything looked normal.
My body feeling fine was the weird part. What if there'd been another change? I hurried to the bathroom.
I locked the door, took a breath, squeezed my eyes shut, and stripped.
“N-No way...”
My anxious whisper slipped out. Slowly, very slowly, I opened my eyes.
My heart pounded at the mirror's reflection.
For a year, I'd avoided mirrors on purpose. Facing my changing self terrified me.
But now I had to know. To hide it.
Cold sweat trickled down my back.
“Th-This... is me...?”
A childlike build. But delicately, fragilely beautiful. Pale skin, slender limbs, narrow shoulders and waist. The kind of body any girl could easily fit into an embrace.
Behind my bangs, large eyes with a blue tint peeked out. A strange mix of Western and Eastern features, stirring protective instincts. It felt unreal, absurdly so.
Small breasts clearly outlined under my thin T-shirt. And below...
“Ugh...”
Nausea surged. Horrifying.
I couldn't deny it anymore. Skeleton, appearance, even sensations.
I was almost completely a girl now.
“Y-Yeah... must be a dream...”
I clutched my chest in denial. Pain like touching a bruise made me groan.
Too vivid for a dream. The traces of my manhood were barely there, fingertip-sized at best.
“...No sensation left.”
My heart sank.
“Hospital... maybe I should...”
Hiding had reached its limit. She'd find out eventually. Was there an answer? For this unreal change?
Mom's face flashed in my mind. Could I keep living with this secret?
“Sua, you in there...?”
Mom's voice came from outside. I hurriedly dressed and opened the door.
“How's your body... feeling?”
Seeing her red-rimmed eyes choked me up. I couldn't look up.
“A-Actually...”
As I opened my mouth, Mom frantically covered it.
“Don't say it... Mom's sorry...”
Her words tore at my heart.
“Just... stay by my side. That's enough.”
I nodded silently. Her embrace was warm. Held back tears burst out.
“Mom...”
“Yeah... my Sua...”
We stayed like that a while before she headed to the kitchen. Alone, tension eased, and the metallic taste brushed my mouth again.
“...Blood.”
Then the front door opened.
“I'm home...”
Cold outside air seeped in with the sound. I startled and turned.
“...S-Su, Sua?”
My sister stood at the entrance, face frozen as she called my name.
“Ah... ah, ah...”
Hearing her voice after so long blanked my mind. I tried to stand on reflex, but my movements were awkward. Her shocked gaze pierced right through me.