The Loner's Melancholy (4)
It was truly a horrific nightmare. The moment I opened my eyes, I felt my body drenched in cold sweat. My chest felt tight, like I couldn't breathe, and no proper sound came out of my throat. My head throbbed dully, and my body was far from normal.
"Ugh... ughh..."
The vivid scenes from the dream that had been so clear just moments ago refused to fade. The me who had been a boy was looking down at my current self, sneering. It was the face of someone who had stolen everything from me. Words about having a body that could get pregnant, mockery about being cuter than expected. Right up to the end, it grinned twistedly, telling the woman I'd become to accept herself. Then, as if nothing had happened, it took my life and vanished.
I hate it. What the hell did I do wrong to deserve this absurd life?
My vision blurred, my eyes trembling on their own. Gasping for breath, I turned my head, trying to survey my surroundings. That's when a familiar voice reached me.
"Honey... Sua seems to be in a lot of pain."
"In pain? What do you mean?"
Dad's face was turning pale blue. Mom was already trembling all over, holding me in her arms. Even in my confused state, her warm body heat reached me. But my heart was too frayed to hold onto that warmth for long.
"N-no... I don't want this."
My voice was almost a sob.
"Please... don't abandon me... please... please..."
The family, startled by my screams from moments ago, had rushed into the room all at once. Dad and Mom, and even my sister. All three sets of eyes turned to me at the same time. Faces mixed with worry, fear, and bewilderment at the incomprehensible situation.
I just lay there in the middle, panting and trembling.
"Please... let's go to the hospital... okay?"
Mom's body was shakingly. Feeling that tremor transfer to me, my body, rigid with fear, began to loosen bit by bit. Once I could breathe properly, I finally started to see my surroundings. With tears that wouldn't stop, I raised my trembling hand and wrapped it around Mom's back.
I'm scared. The idea of becoming a girl like this still felt impossible to imagine.
Dad and my sister watched me with anxious expressions. I could tell they wanted to come closer, but they hesitated, their hands hovering in the air, unsure what to do. Dad's face, which I hadn't properly faced in so long, was pale with terror.
This wasn't what I wanted. I just wished they'd look at me like always, smiling as if nothing had happened.
"U... u-ugh, ah... ah?!"
"S-Sua?!"
The abdominal pain started again. No, "started" wasn't enough to describe it. This was on a whole different level from the pain that had tormented me so far. It felt like every pain receptor in my body was concentrated in my gut, a agony so intense I could barely breathe.
I gritted my teeth, but it was no use. A horrific scream burst from my mouth, startling even me.
"U... ughh... urgh...!!"
In that instant, the metallic taste of blood filled my mouth. An enormous amount of blood started pouring out. Mom's clothes, her skin—everything hugging me turned red in seconds.
"S-Su, Su, Sua... our Sua... son... o-our son... our youngest!!! Honey!! Do something!! Please, I beg you!!!"
"N-no... this can't be... If you're hurting, you have to say so!!! Hospital now... call 119!! Hurry!!"
"I-I'm doing it!!"
"Ah... ah... it hurts... I don't want... to change... like this..."
My consciousness grew hazy. Strength left my fingertips, and sensation faded from my body one by one. My family's urgent voices still rang in my ears, but even they felt distant, receding.
My vision blurred. What would become of me now?
With that thought, my awareness slowly sank away.
"You don't want to change? How did we end up becoming women?"
"What are you talking about?"
"We're in perfect women's bodies now. We could probably even get pregnant."
"Uh... um."
"You still don't get it? After carrying all that pain and suffering alone."
"You... you're me?"
In a void space where even up and down felt hazy, another me approached with a fishy smile. It was unmistakably me from my days as a boy. He paused, gazing long at my transformed self. His eyes mixed pity and sorrow.
It felt bizarre. Someone who looked exactly like me was wearing my exact face, twisted in heartbreaking sadness.
Was this a dream? Or another nightmare?
I couldn't even laugh anymore. My already dead emotions sank into silence, unresponsive.
The male me approached wordlessly and slowly stroked my head. What kind of nightmare was this?
"I'm not a man anymore. Look. It's the same as the you reflected in the mirror right now."
Before I knew it, he had transformed into the same form as me. He smiled fishily, his eyes reddening as if about to shatter.
He looked so fragile that I clamped my mouth shut, unable to say a word. Was this how Mom saw me all this time? Pitiful, wretched, desperate for salvation from someone.
The other me's eyes trembled faintly. Since when had I become like this? Forgetting how to smile, how to cry, even how to feel pain.
What had I become now?
"Now you're even denying yourself."
"..."
"Why won't you say anything? If you keep this up, your family will be sad."
His words started to grate on my nerves. Since when did he know me? Since when was he acting so familiar?
The thought of receiving pity from something that was neither man nor woman twisted my gut. Irritation surged.
"Why won't you sa— Kyaaak?!"
I shoved him away without hesitation. In the black void, the other me drifted back, hand outstretched. Still wearing that fishy smile.
"I see. You're scared. Of course you are. But this is reality."
With those words, he vanished before my eyes.
I was alone. In this place where nothing was visible, finally, utterly alone.
I'd always been a loner anyway. I'd lived that way for a year. As my body changed bit by bit, I'd already been alone.
Family... what was family again?
"Ugh... u..."
I frowned at the stinging smell of chemicals and opened my eyes. Dim light filled my vision. An all-white space, bed, medical equipment. A hospital.
"Honey, Sua's awake!"
"Calm down. The doctor said stability first."
"Sua... do you recognize Mom?"
My mind was blank. Mom's haggard face slowly came into focus. I couldn't understand why everyone was here, why they looked so worried.
I had no strength in my body.
"Why did you hide it all alone? If you'd told me, Mom would've held you through it all."
Those words didn't make sense. Mom hugged me, crying, and I just stared at the white ceiling, unresponsive.
So it was out. The secret I'd hidden for a year.
It felt empty. Anxious.
"Ah... ahh... ah?!"
Reality crashed in. I thrashed in terror.
"Sua, what's wrong?!"
"Uwaaaah!!"
I shoved Mom away. She recoiled in shock. That sight terrified me more.
This wasn't what I wanted. I didn't even know what family meant anymore, and the fact that I couldn't go back was crystal clear.
"Honey... Sua..."
"We heard the doctor. We have to watch now."
I heard Mom's sobs. I plugged my ears and burrowed under the blanket.
That's when I felt eyes on my back. Suffocating fear surged.
"Ah... ah...!!"
I tried to speak. But no sound came. No matter how hard I tried, only babbling escaped.
The fact that I couldn't talk felt numbingly distant. Even surprise exhausted me.
All I feared was facing my family.
Then.
"How's the patient's condition?"
A unfamiliar woman's voice. Mom's trembling reply overlapped.
"D-Doctor... um... she's... not doing well at all..."
I instinctively pulled the blanket tighter, then stopped. Cautiously lowering it a bit, white entered my peripheral vision. A woman in a white coat. Stethoscope around her neck, her gaze down at me unwavering.
"Oh my."
She smiled lightly at me.
"CutER than I expected?"
Mom's breath caught. She sounded flustered. But the woman continued calmly, ignoring it.
"In this situation, having guardians around might make her more anxious. I'll take over for now."
The room fell silent. Dad stared at the woman wordlessly, then bowed his head. After a brief silence, he led the family out.
The door closing echoed loudly.
Only me and the woman remained, the air noticeably heavier.
I felt her gaze return to me.
"Don't be scared."
She spoke softly.
"I know how you feel. All of it."
Before the words hit, my body reacted. I grabbed the nearest object and threw it, my mind screaming only to run.
"Wait?! That's expensive!!"
Her voice rose, but she didn't stop. She strode over, grabbed my wrist, and the cold touch froze me solid.
"Talk once, and it'll get a little better!"
I shook my head furiously. I didn't want to say anything. No, I couldn't.
Then, in a low voice, she said,
"I had the same disease."
The grip on my wrist loosened. She slowly rolled up her sleeve. Beneath were countless scars, old ones layered thick.
"I broke down mentally, just like you."
Then it clicked. Why she was here, why she sent my family away, why she wasn't afraid of me.
"Starting today, I'm your attending physician, Oh Yeonseo."
She extended her hand casually.
"Nice to meet you?"