The Loner's School Life (4): Ah... It Felt So Good....

Ah... it felt so good. The corners of my mouth crept all the way up to my ears from this long-forgotten sense of satisfaction. How long had it been since I'd eaten out...? After holing up in my room for nearly a year, I'd even forgotten emotions like this.

I'd unconsciously ordered the same huge portions I used to as a guy, so quite a bit of food was left over, but it didn't matter. Just being able to eat peacefully like this was a novelty in itself. That alone was enough.

...Should I try cheering myself up a bit more? I wanted to wander around the area, even if just for a little while. An impulse surged up to relive the casual pleasures I'd enjoyed without a second thought back when I was a guy. I couldn't say why. It just felt like a waste of the time I'd blown at school today.

To begin with, before my body changed like this, I'd been the type who actually enjoyed spending time outside. It was more surprising that someone like me had endured a full year cooped up indoors.

Alright, let's look around a little more! Steel ing myself, I carefully grabbed my bag and stood from my seat.

"Hey... you're the transfer student who came to our class today, right?"

"...Huh?"

I'd just finished paying and was heading out when the voice nearby made me snap my head up in surprise.

"Oh, yeah! So... you came alone?"

A girl in the same school uniform approached with a friendly smile and stuck out her hand without hesitation.

She wants to shake hands...? Realizing too late, I glanced around before our eyes finally met.

"Eek...!"

A feeble squeak escaped my lips from the shock. Unable to meet her gaze properly, I bowed my head with a face like I might burst into tears.

"Whoa? Y-you okay?"

Did I look that fragile? This classmate whose name I didn't even know reached out again with a worried expression.

"Ughhhh!!"

"Wh-whoa whoa?! H-hold on! Don't cry! Dad'll chew me out!!"

I couldn't take it anymore. I grabbed her politely extended hand on reflex and bolted out of the shop after hastily paying, practically fleeing.

It was the first time... I'd ever held a girl's hand, aside from my sister's.

"Haaahhh...!!"

The moment I burst outside, I exhaled hugely. I clasped my trembling hand tightly with the other. My heart was pounding strangely, but I'd done it. I'd shaken hands with a stranger! I hadn't made proper eye contact, but still—a handshake!

Had I felt this strong a sense of accomplishment since clearing a tough game without a guide...? Feeling pathetic about myself for a bitter moment, the rush of achievement drowned it out, and I gripped my whiteboard tight in joy.

...Why does it feel so empty?

"Heyyy~! You forgot this!!!"

The girl from the snack shop earlier was sprinting toward me, waving my whiteboard.

Ah, so that's what the emptiness was...

"Um, so... here, take it."

"Uh...."

Without any hesitation, she came right up and handed me my forgotten item.

In a situation like this... I should say thanks, right? I fumbled to scribble on the whiteboard.

That instant—

"Eek?!"

Before I could even show her the thanks, she suddenly grabbed my hand tight. My head jerked up at the unexpected touch.

With those words, she sauntered back into the snack shop like nothing had happened.

...What just happened? I stood there in a daze for a while. The warmth of her palm still lingered vividly on my hand.

This classmate I'd just met had approached me so lightly and naturally. It felt strangely unfamiliar and odd.

Don't pass out... Was that encouragement? Something in my chest welled up a little. Whether from the lingering warmth or her words, my face heated up for no reason. The sound of my heart racing wildly softened my long-frozen expression bit by bit. Laughter kept leaking out. I pressed my twitching lips with my hand, trying to calm down, but it was no use.

Since becoming like this, aside from family and Yeonseo unnie, no ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠one had ever cheered me on. I'd figured I'd be treated like a problem child after passing out at school today. I'd only caused trouble, so getting hated wouldn't be weird. Yet her casual smile as she spoke to me was as bright as the old me when I was a guy.

The thought that it might be fake crossed my mind, but there was no malice. It was just a comfortable, clear smile.

Tomorrow... should I try challenging it again? Clutching my whiteboard, such thoughts swirled.

...But is it normal for peers to treat you like a little kid? Thinking coldly behind the kindness, it did feel a bit that way. Less like treating a classmate and more like a little sister. My mood grew subtly complicated, and I frowned before shaking my head vigorously. Forget it. Dwelling on it now would just give me a headache.

Forcing positivity, I looked around. Lost in various thoughts as I walked, I'd come quite far. Staring blankly at the downtown streets full of new shops and sights I'd never seen before.

The area had changed a little after a year, but it was still mostly the same as when I'd wandered here with friends as a guy. Paths I'd walked thoughtlessly back then now felt overwhelmingly vivid. Amid the complicated emotions, this unfamiliar sensation of seeing everything from a different perspective was fascinating. A small gasp of admiration slipped out unbidden.

Not much has changed... Oh, that shop's different?

"...Ah?"

My footsteps halted as I wandered, lost in nostalgia.

A game shop...?

Like any guy my age, I'd always loved games, so the shop's sign jumped out at me.

Should I check it out? I'd always bought games online, so actually browsing a physical store was a first. It was like a boyhood dream or something... This body made me crave it even more poignantly. My body moved naturally with the impulse.

Stepping inside, I let out a soft gasp of admiration as I looked around. It was cleaner than ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠expected, with game ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠packages neatly sorted by type—more than enough to stoke my buying urge.

I'll get one... Unable to resist, I picked up a game.

After nearly a year as a total loner, addicted to games to an unhealthy degree, I hurried to the counter. Making eye contact was still tough. Timidly, I placed the game on the counter and bowed my head.

Hehe, got Metal Combat... At home, gaming was pretty much all I could do. With such a narrow range of activity, that was reality. Lately, I was keeping distance from my brother on purpose, watching his reactions, so this loner life felt oddly comfortable again. At least, aside from him, I could talk with the rest of the family somewhat like before.

...Is it impossible with bro? The bitter thought wiped the smile from my face.

Whenever I faced him, the air changed. It was too uncomfortable with him around. I just wanted to hang out like before. If he'd just look at me properly once... Why did he keep avoiding me?

"Um... payment's done... so..."

"Huh? ...Ugh?!"

Lost in gloomy thoughts, staring at the floor, the sudden voice made me jolt my head up.

"...Your tastes are kinda twisted."

"H-hiik?!"

His sharp gaze pierced straight at me, drawing an odd whimper reflexively. My body froze, lost balance, ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠and I toppled backward.

But... even though I'd fallen, it oddly didn't hurt. Trembling with eyes squeezed shut, I cautiously opened them at the lack of pain.

"Ugh, seriously high-maintenance. I didn't do anything, and you freak out like that—makes the other person feel bad, y'know?"

Grumbling irritably, he was propping me up with one arm to keep me from falling, his expression flustered as he scratched the back of his head with the other. I froze solid.

Why... of all places, here...?

I could run into the class delinquent here?

I couldn't forget that signature yellow-dyed hair and sharp impression.

Park Seongjun, right?

According to class rumors, he had a bad personality, always picking fights—a scary guy. That sharp look and yellow hair made him stand out. I couldn't meet the eyes staring down at me piercingly in this situation.

"Uh, ugh... uh..."

"Wh-whoa?! W-wait! Don't cry! Dad'll kill me!!"

"Ughhk...."

"Th-this is seriously bad... Hey, isn't this scary for you?"

Sweating bullets, flustered Park Seongjun snatched a game character mask hanging like decor behind the counter and slapped it over his face. Standing there awkwardly in the mask clashed hilariously with his delinquent image. It was almost comical.

Huh? He's... not as scary as I thought?

"What the hell am I doing...?"

Pulling off the mask, Park Seongjun's face was grim. He looked exasperated at his own actions. A strange disconnect hit me. It didn't match the rumors at all.

"Ah... yeah, you've heard the rumors, huh? That I'm a delinquent..."

He shook his head with a deep sigh, neither denying nor confirming it. Like he was used to reactions like this. Strangely, it felt similar to me—a whiff of self-loathing, like he hadn't chosen it.

...Am I overreacting? My lips pressed tight, gaze dropping in the odd mood.

"Ah, if you're scared, just go. You already caused a huge scene passing out today..."

With a ground-shaking sigh, he waved me out dismissively. It must be awkward for him too. He was still scary, but I couldn't keep being a nuisance here, so I hurriedly pulled out my card.

That moment, Park Seongjun grabbed my wrist.

"Hold up!"

"Eh...?!"

"No way! I'm telling you flat-out, I'm not selling this to you!"

Stunned by the incomprehensible words, I tensed my grabbed hand.

"Ughht! Hnghht!!"

My right hand, whimpering feebly and just trembling without moving, looked utterly pathetic. Rejected for no reason, feeling wronged, I mustered courage to look straight up at Park Seongjun.

"Ang?!"

"Eek... hng...." But crushed by his fierce impression, I quickly deflated and bowed my head.

"Argh!! Just don't cry! At least hear me out first!!"

"Hng, hng...."

"S-seriously... Look! See this? 18+ rating right here? Metal Combat? You sure you're a girl?"

Super sensible words came from the supposed delinquent. He scratched his head roughly like it ached, venting frustration.

"One thing: be honest, you judged me as a delinquent just from my looks, right?"

I couldn't deny it. Just like he said, I'd drawn a line based purely on appearance.

Thinking about it, this Park Seongjun in front of me hadn't done anything bad to me or hurt me. Unable to sort my confused head, I paced and let out weird noises. What was even going on?

"You're... a mess in every sense..."

"This?! My college bro accidentally dumped a ton of dye on my head while I was sleeping... seriously, I just..."

He answered frankly but couldn't hide his anger.

Why does he look so pitiful...?

"Ah! That's not the point... anyway! My conscience won't let me. It's super gory."

"Even with those puppy eyes, no means no!!!! Get out!!!"

"Ugh...."

His loud bark made me give up the game and leave the shop empty-handed. I'd just browsed for nothing. Staring blankly at the black sky, I squatted down in front of the shop door.

Too much had happened in one day. My completely exhausted body finally protested with aching legs. After a year shut in, I really felt how noticeably weaker I'd gotten. The unfamiliar feel of the skirt and women's underwear irritated more than ever. It was getting warmer, but the night breeze chilled my exposed legs. I shivered faintly.

It's getting too late... should I head home...?

"Huh? Sua! What're you doing out here this late?"

I looked up at the familiar voice from afar. Seo Yeon unnie, in her school uniform, was walking over with a surprised face.

"Do you know what time it is?"

Unnie lightly flicked my forehead in anger at my curt reply.

"A girl shouldn't wander alone this late!"

Even while getting scolded, a weird realism washed over me. I was different now. Too fragile, too defenseless. A body worlds apart from my guy days. The thought that anyone could just drag me off unwillingly flitted by.

Maybe seeing my darkening expression, unnie's face softened too.

"Sorry... but I'm worried..."

"You're not forcing it too much?"

Unnie's words hit sadly on the nose, but I had to force myself to accept it. School had all kinds of kids. As a transfer student hiding a huge secret, I needed to get used to this reality.

If I kept forcing smiles, pretending to be fine, holding back the pain like now, someday it'd become natural. Because... time heals all wounds, right...?

"Ah, whatever. It's late anyway—let's go home."

"...Ah!"

"Huh? Wh-what?! Why suddenly? The game shop again?!"

I grabbed unnie's wrist and dragged her back into the game shop. My eyes met Park Seongjun's at the counter again. He looked exasperated, glancing between me and unnie.

I scribbled meaningfully on my whiteboard and showed him.

"I give up, I really do... haa......"

In the end, with a resigned face, he rang up the game and handed it to me.