A Loner's School Life (3)
“Ugh, uh…?”
The scenery before my eyes flipped in an instant. It was a horrific nightmare. In the dream, I was surrounded by people—like a beast caged in a zoo, suffocating under their cruel stares, barely able to breathe. A truly terrifying dream. My whole body was soaked in cold sweat; it felt that vivid, that awful. My head was strangely heavy, my body limp with no strength. But more than anything... I couldn't remember. Why had I been lying in bed, tucked under the covers?
A quick glance around told me this was the nurse's office. The once-clear sky was now bathed in sunset light.
I don't remember a thing...! Panicking like a snapped film reel, I crumpled in silent despair, my face twisted in anxiety.
“Oh, I just stopped by on the off chance... and you're awake?”
“Eek!!”
The voice right in front of my nose startled me into a weird shriek, and I tumbled right off the bed. Clutching my throbbing butt and groaning, I looked up to see a woman who seemed to be the school nurse peering down at me with a troubled expression. She extended a cautious hand.
“You okay?”
Her voice was so kind and gentle that I nodded without thinking.
“Phew... good thing. So... you fainted on your first day as a transfer student? You sure you're alright?”
At the word fainted, I dropped my head in a sad pout. Just one sentence from her, and I could piece together what had happened.
It wasn't a dream.
Dad must've been so worried...?
“Teacher Kim Do-yoon is your dad, right? When he heard you'd collapsed, his face went sheet-white—he was in a total panic.”
“......”
I shot to my feet without a word. I'd caused a scene on my very first day. Worse, Dad's anxious face flashed vividly in my mind. The nurse looked like she wanted to say more, but I bolted out the door without hearing the rest.
“...Sua.”
“Uh, ugh....”
The moment I stepped out, my eyes met Dad's. The timing was so perfectly dramatic I couldn't even look at his face properly. Unlike this morning, he was shockingly pale now.
“Was school... too much too soon? Maybe rest a bit more and try again later?”
His unexpected words froze me solid. We'd only just started. I'd been so anxious, but I'd fought hard to enroll as a first-year after a whole month of effort. I'd even made a promise with Yeonseo unnie. I didn't want it to end in some lame bad ending like this. I'd finally gotten a shot at school life... Could people really give up that easily? Hadn't I, back then, thrown away my life out of fear of change? Having tasted death once, I knew: giving up just brought emptiness and lethargy. I didn't want to hole up alone in that dark room again.
I'd pushed myself as far as I could. I... like this...
“Hehe......”
I forced a fake smile, proof of my effort to face reality. Gripping my trembling hands tight, I plastered on the brightest grin I could muster and hurried to the classroom for my bag. I couldn't bear to see Dad's sad face.
Slipping into the now-empty classroom for my bag, I scanned the room slowly as I packed.
School life's gonna be fun... Normal's the best, right?
A drop of water splashed onto the back of my hand as I packed, lost in positive thoughts. Huh... what?
Confused by the droplet, I wiped my blurring vision. Tears?
I shouldn't cry...!
“He, hehe... hic... hehehe....”
I had to smile, had to... so why wouldn't these tears stop?
Even though my gender had changed... even in this uniform... why did it hurt so much? I didn't get it. Not me... not normal school life either...
**
Thanks to that unexpected fainting spell, I ended up walking home late. The after-school path alone at dusk felt refreshingly different. The streets, bathed in sunset glow, looked strangely peaceful as evening crept in. I passed ordinary people living their daily lives. I was just like them, so why did I feel so out of place? The bitter thought made me smile wryly.
Crying like an idiot in that empty classroom, laughing sadly—it even looked pathetic and lonely to me.
Thinking back coldly on what happened before I fainted, they didn't seem to hate me or anything. They'd even approached positively, calling me cute. Was I that appealing as a girl...?
In the end, I'm just the messed-up weirdo...
But what could I do? If mental issues like mine could be fixed in days, psych wards wouldn't exist. Because...
...the body reacts faster than the mind.
I felt glum. Bad first impressions, plus sitting next to a delinquent... Lately, my luck felt rock-bottom.
Should I get some good luck charms?
Lost in silly thoughts while walking, my stomach growled—dinnertime approaching.
Grab a little snack...?
The tantalizing smells wafting from street vendors made me swallow hard. I had pocket money piled up from never spending it, and right now, all I craved was street food. Since my body changed, human aversion had kept me from chances like this. I was still mentally shaky, but I'd grown enough to wander outside like anyone else. Even if I'd fainted at school...
Ugh... forget it.
Shaking off today's events, I scanned the streets smacking my lips. Ignoring stares as best I could, a snack bar caught my eye.
“Whoa...”
Sudden craving for tteokbokki hit me. Memories of hanging out with old friends at places like this. It'd been ages since the change. The delicious aroma made my mouth water; I saw my drooling reflection in the shop window. Even passersby glancing fondly and smiling showed in the glass.
Face burning with embarrassment, I hid behind my whiteboard and darted inside.
“Welcome.”
Tteokbokki for two servings and one sundae, please.
“You could've just said it... pretty shy, huh?”
Even this question felt teasing now. Like they knew but asked anyway. It soured my mood. Too late for regrets, but losing my voice was so inconvenient, so sad. Still, it must've startled her too.
Sudden whiteboard note out of nowhere...
Frowning at the harsh reality, I erased and rewrote.
I can't speak.
“Can't speak... at your age... Sorry, auntie didn't mean to pry.”
She panicked and apologized at my reply. Hiding my discomfort under her pitying gaze, I stashed my bag in a corner booth and waited for food.
The shop buzzed with evening crowds—kids my age. Alone in the corner, I fiddled with my whiteboard, staring blankly at groups laughing with friends. Same uniform meant same school.
I used to be just like that...
It felt hollow: the bright, normal me now, sitting alone in this dim spot, envying another world.
What'd the kids think after I fainted...?
“Here—extra sundae on the house.”
“Eh...?”
Snapped from my thoughts, the auntie set down heaping plates with a soft smile. Avoiding her eyes, I managed a shy smile and wrote.
Thank you.
