A Loner's School Life (2)
When I came to my senses, the classroom door—where I'd have to spend the next year—loomed right in front of me. The thought that this was my first step into a new life in this new body made my breath come short, and I gripped the whiteboard tightly with both hands. I was so tense that I didn't even notice the unfamiliar emptiness of the skirt that had only felt awkward before. My heart throbbed with pain.
"Alright, everyone knows we have a new transfer student today, right?" The teacher's voice echoed from inside the classroom.
Can I not run away now? I-it'll be okay, right? No, it will be okay. I took a deep breath and grabbed the door handle.
Can I overcome my social phobia? My brother's cold gaze kept flashing in my mind, tormenting me, but I gritted my teeth and endured.
I can do this...
"Come on in, Sua, and say hello."
No sooner had the words left her mouth than I slowly opened the classroom door. With a tearful expression, I peeked only my face out from behind it and scanned my classmates' faces. Every eye in the room turned to me at once. In the heavy silence, those gazes felt like they were tightening around my body, choking me. All I could think was how terrifying it was to face people for the first time like this. My head pounded under the weight of my classmates' stares. Their eyes, which had seemed perfectly normal at first, began to waver and distort in my vision, like they were looking at a monster. The suffocating pressure built until I could hardly breathe.
"Uh, ugh..."
Dizziness overwhelmed me, and I clutched my head. The classroom, which had been quiet, started to stir at the sight of me trembling in terror. The teacher hurried over, looking worried, and steadied my body.
"A-are you okay...?"
I forced a smile and nodded weakly in response to her question. I wanted to cry, but I held it back. I didn't want to ruin my first day. I'd made up my mind to do this. I'd spent the past month preparing to come to school, vowing to see it through. I'd lined up my sister's stuffed animals on my bed and practiced facing "people." I'd done it more diligently than anyone, repeating it over and over. Reality was cruelly hard, but with the single thought that I had to endure, I gripped the whiteboard with my shaking hands.
I have to... introduce myself...
I'm Kim Sua. Please take care of me.
I squeezed my eyes shut and hid my face behind the whiteboard. I still... couldn't meet their eyes. Fainting in a situation like this would only make things worse. The classroom, buzzing from my sudden introduction, fell silent again. In that moment, I realized anew that mental illnesses aren't something you can just fix easily. Ever since my body changed, I'd come to understand a lot about people's psychology, knowingly or not. Even though I'd become a timid, scared little girl, in situations like this, I could try to be cooler-headed than anyone.
I forcibly calmed my trembling hands, lowered the whiteboard just a bit, and gauged the atmosphere. Everyone was still staring at me. The teacher let out a sigh of relief after I finished my introduction, pretending to be fine, and slowly spoke.
"This is Kim Sua, transferring into our class starting today! As you can see, she can't speak, and her body's a bit frail. Everyone, help her out, okay? As for her seat... hmm, it's late in the year, so choices are limited. There's one spot left by the window over there. That'll do!"
The piercing stares that had been fixed on me all shifted to the corner seat by the window. For some reason, the atmosphere turned icy cold, and I looked at the teacher. She scratched the back of her head with a troubled expression, clearly not understanding what was going on either.
Maybe I should just... sit?
With that thought, I quietly went to the assigned seat without a word, set down my bag, and sat. The murmurs and stares still felt heavy, but I tried to ignore them and focused only on the teacher. At least, in this situation, knowing my parents were at the same school gave me a strange sense of relief.
"Until my eyes met the boy in the next seat..."
"......Huh?"
His eyes were even sharper than my brother's. A boy with yellow-dyed hair scowled at me. The moment our gazes locked, a chill ran down my spine. That's when I finally realized why the classroom atmosphere had been like that.
Ah... I sat in the wrong spot...
It was May already, so being assigned the corner seat as a late transfer student was somewhat expected. In manga, the window seat in the back is always romanticized, but reality was different. That spot was actually preferred by delinquent types unhappy with school life. Why had I only realized this now? The boy next to me narrowed his sharp eyes even further. With the yellow hair, he screamed "problem child" no matter how you looked at him. Before I could even think about my social phobia, I paled under his intimidating presence and turned my gaze out the window.
Delinquent... so scary!
"Alright, morning homeroom's over. Seongjun, since you're next to her now, show her around the school."
The teacher left those words casually and walked out. Anyone could see he looked like a delinquent, yet she handed me over to this guy named Seongjun with unnatural calm. I'd seen kids get bullied at my old school multiple times. I never knew why they did it. But one thing was clear: you absolutely didn't want to get on their bad side...
"Ugh..."
My weakened body trembled uncontrollably. More than anything, being this close to a stranger—facing someone new—was the first time since Yeonseo unnie. My bone-deep social phobia had me breathing raggedly with a terrified face. Even I thought I looked pathetic and miserable. But no helping hand reached out to me. They just watched in the suffocating atmosphere. Those gazes were disgustingly creepy. Their eyes, pretending not to see for fear it'd splash onto them, were painfully cold and repulsive. Their hypocrisy made me want to despise humanity itself.
In that moment, a thought flashed through my mind.
Was the old me... looking at others with eyes like that?
I wasn't any different. I'd seen a classmate get bullied in the corner. I definitely saw it but pretended not to. Afraid I'd get dragged in too. I just quietly looked away.
Did that kid back then... feel like I do now?
Before blaming others, I realized I was the flawed one. In the end, people only act for their own gain. Maybe it's natural instinct, but from another angle, it's just cruel. So I couldn't hate them. I didn't have the right.
...Still.
That devouring glare is way too scary. Anyone, please, just help me.
"Hah... You, just switch seats."
I had my eyes squeezed shut, dreading what would come next. That's when the delinquent tossed those words at me offhandedly and stood up.
"Eh?"
His voice was thorny, but oddly soft. My tightly shut eyes flew open wide. When I snapped out of it, the delinquent named Seongjun had vanished from sight. Like a massive typhoon had blown through, the classroom atmosphere shifted the instant he stormed out.
"Hey, did you see that guy's face earlier?"
"My heart was in my throat? But still, no way he'd mess with someone that tiny, right?"
"Park Seongjun just letting it slide like that..."
The classmates whispered about Park Seongjun while sneaking glances at me. They gathered around my desk as if they wanted to talk, subtly encircling me.
"Ahhh..."
No escape anywhere I looked. They were blatantly licking their chops, waiting for a chance to ask questions. The boys stared straight at my face, embarrassing me, while the girls' eyes sparkled without restraint.
G-gonna puke...
The concentrated stares made my stomach churn. But my extremely timid personality kept my body frozen. I could only roll my eyes around, scanning the surroundings.
"Uh...? Ahaha..."
Then my eyes met an unfamiliar boy's. He flinched at first, shoulders shaking in surprise, then let out an awkward laugh as his face flushed red.
Ah... That reaction... I think I know what it is.
I could tell from the boys' gazes. They were interested in me as the opposite sex now... I'd been on that side once, so I could spot it easily. And now that I was on this side, I realized something: girls subtly knew about guys' stares but pretended not to notice.
"Hey, heard you got a transfer student? Where is she?"
"Girl or guy? Let's check her out."
"......Eh?"
I was awkwardly aware of the stares when the closed classroom door burst open, and kids from the next class poured in.
"You the transfer?"
"Whoa... she's tiny! You sure she's in high school?"
"Could pass for middle school easy."
"Wow... like a doll. Super cute!"
Suddenly, kids swarmed me. I couldn't even make out what they were saying. All I knew was that their stares were devouring me.
"Uh, ugh..."
My body felt floaty, and my vision blurred. I don't remember much after that.