I Am a Girl (3)
“......Sua?”
Dad, who had been quietly eating, suddenly spoke up. As I picked at the side dishes with my chopsticks, my gaze naturally shifted to him. He was watching me, giving off this awkward vibe like he was gauging my reaction. Wondering what was going on, I tilted my head while munching on the food in my mouth.
Ever since I lost my voice, in situations where I couldn't write, I'd gotten used to responding with these exaggerated gestures.
Dad gave an awkward smile at my little action and set down his spoon.
“Like I said before, you don't have to force yourself to act like a girl.”
“Ehehe......”
I grinned bashfully and nodded a little. Ever since my discharge, Dad had been looking out for me like this more often. There was no real need for him to go to such lengths......
“Those clothes...... Did Seo Yeon give them to you?”
“Of course! These are the ones I wore back in my first year of middle school.”
Sis answered proudly in my place at Dad's question. Her face was screaming, How's that? Cute, right? Pretty, huh?
“......Aren't you a bit too skinny?”
Seeing me casually pulling off clothes from Sis's early middle school days, Dad looked worried.
Even back when I was a guy, I'd been pretty small-framed, so I hadn't thought much of it, but it seemed like he pitied me struggling to adjust to this girl's body in the midst of all this.
“Thanks for the meal.”
In this overall awkward atmosphere where everyone seemed to be tiptoeing around me, Bro stood up first. Just sitting across from me must've been super uncomfortable—he hadn't said a single word to me the whole meal.
Does Bro really hate me now that I'm a girl?
“Hehe......”
On the off chance, I stared right at Bro's face with a soft smile. No real hope, but I was wishing for at least some reaction, waiting for him to say something to me.
“......”
But Bro just gave my efforts a quick, stoic once-over and bolted from the table like he was escaping.
“Auuu......”
His reaction was so cold it was hard to keep a straight face. I tried to force my drooping expression back up...... but that wasn't easy.
“If you cry while eating, you'll choke.”
I shoved a huge spoonful of rice into my mouth, holding back tears. With every chew, teardrops plopped onto the table.
Sis, feeling sorry for me, lost her playful vibe and looked at me with pity, handing me a glass of water.
“Ignore that idiot who can't read the room. And don't bother trying to look good for him. Mom, Dad, say something to him! She's already on depression meds...... That's just too much!”
Sis finally couldn't hold back at Bro's attitude and unloaded on Mom and Dad.
“We're trying to talk to him too...... It's just still awkward for now......”
Mom let out a deep, worried sigh.
“I'll handle things with Ji Hoon. He doesn't hate you, Sua......”
I nodded faintly at Dad's hopeful reassurance. Even if he was ignoring me coldly now, rationally speaking, Bro had always been like that. He seemed cold-blooded on the surface, but he'd quietly take care of us where no one could see.
So, especially now, I had to keep things simple. My emotions were all over the place from the fluctuating hormones anyway. I steeled myself not to get hurt by his actions.
I'm fine. Sis, don't badmouth Bro either.
“Looks like the youngest here is the most mature......”
Dad praised me like I was something special, but...... for some reason, it didn't make me happy.
What the hell do I even want?
**
“Hweee......”
It felt like quite some time had passed since the family found out about my gender transformation disease. Surprisingly, after discharge, my daily routine hadn't changed from the shut-in hikikomori pattern I'd stuck to for the past year. Aside from shaking off the drugged haze somehow, eating, gaming, and sleeping in—no productive memories came to mind.
......Am I just trash?
'Do I really have to go back to school?'
The thought hit me as I fiddled with the gamepad in my computer chair.
Yeonseo sis said that as long as I took my meds properly, I could handle school just fine in my current state. The real issue was whether I could actually adapt to school life.
'Would it look natural if I wore it now?'
Out of curiosity, my eyes drifted to the school uniform hanging on the wall.
I hadn't touched it since trying it on once before hospitalization.
“Uuuu......”
I paused the game and picked up the uniform. I didn't even understand why I was doing this, but my body moved on its own anyway.
I stripped off the girly clothes I was wearing and slipped into the familiar motions of donning the boys' uniform.
I remembered getting it tailored a bit loose back then, thinking I'd grow taller.
'It's way too big now...... Should I check the mirror?'
Mom was out grocery shopping, and Bro was either in his room or out—I couldn't tell.
Just in case, I peeked out the door and glanced around.
'No one's here?'
Confirming no sounds, I tiptoed to the bathroom.
'Is this really...... me?'
Staring at the mirror without much expectation, I felt this indescribable sense of wrongness. The girl in the reflection still didn't feel like me, making even looking in the mirror awkward.
I raised my hand slightly, and the girl in the mirror mimicked me perfectly.
The sleeves swallowed my hands completely because the uniform was so big, dangling down, and the shoulders slipped off, exposing my pale white skin.
This was totally......
'A girl wearing her boyfriend's uniform......'
That was my impression after trying on the boys' uniform for the first time in ages.
Staring any longer would just fuel my self-loathing and worsen the depression, so I gave up on the mirror.
For a split second, it felt like the me in the mirror—now in a girl's uniform—stared straight back at me with a blank face.
'Creepy as hell.'
It had to be some drug-withdrawal hallucination. Calm down. I pulled myself together and hurried out before anyone saw.
Back in my room like this, it'd be fine. That's what I thought—until a familiar voice hit me right in front.
“Uh......?”
Bro, who always had that stone-cold face, was staring at me from afar with his eyes comically wide in a way that didn't suit him.
'What? He was home? He saw me like this......?'
I was just as shocked as him, struggling to compose myself.
“What are you doing?”
It was the first time since that first day he'd spoken to me. Just a casual line, but it felt weirdly good. Thinking he'd finally acknowledged me, my lips curved up naturally.
“Ehehehe......”
“Why are you grinning like an idiot......”
“Eh?”
“Don't bother forcing yourself to act all buddy-buddy with me......”
Uh...... that's not it? That wasn't the reaction I imagined...... Why so cold?
“......Sorry, I didn't mean it like that...... Just, give me some space alone for a while......”
He said it like a plea, then turned his back to me.
No, don't go!
“Auuu! Awk?!”
I strained my voice and reached out toward his retreating back. As I took a cautious step, the too-long pant leg caught on my foot.
I lost balance and tumbled forward. The sharp pain in my nose made my vision spin.
It hurt so much I flailed while clutching my nose, but no sound came out, so Bro didn't even notice my fall.
I wiped my nose with the uniform sleeve end, and it came away soaked in bright red blood. Guess I hit my face wrong—blood poured nonstop from my nose.
“S-Su, Sua?! What happened to your face?!”
Mom's shocked voice came from afar. Turning toward it, I saw her at the entrance, hands full of grocery bags.
The moment she saw my bloody mess, she dropped everything and rushed over—nothing like Bro's indifference.
“Oh my god! Your nosebleed won't stop! How did this happen?!”
I fell.
Forcing back tears, I shoved the whiteboard at Mom with a smile, leaving out what happened with Bro......
At that moment, I had no choice but to realize it.
I'd really become a girl, and Bro wouldn't accept that......