If I Became a Girl, What Would I Want to Do?
I'd never seriously pondered what I'd want to do if I became a girl. I'd been trapped in self-loathing, living a soulless existence. But now that I'd come out to my family about turning into one, I finally had the leisure for idle thoughts like that.
My bedroom door, once locked tight, now stood wide open. Unnie and Mom came and went freely.
"Ah...."
But my brother—only he seemed uncomfortable around me. The moment our eyes met, he'd let out a short sound and hurry away. Watching him blatantly avoid his blatantly girly sister made me feel down sometimes, and I couldn't keep a good face around him either.
Maybe... he's rejecting me.
"Don't worry about Oppa. How about enjoying being a girl for once?"
Lost in thought while lying on the bed, I heard Unnie's out-of-the-blue suggestion. She was sprawled next to me, munching snacks like she owned the place. How could she lie on my bed in nothing but a loose T-shirt and underwear, no bottoms at all? It pissed me off.
You're dropping crumbs. This is my room.
"What's the big deal? Your room is my room."
What kind of nonsense was that? Come to think of it, even before my body changed, Unnie had always been like this. She'd barge into my room nonstop, snag my game console or comics, and sometimes, when she was bored out of her mind, she'd grab me and unleash wrestling moves.... Out in the world, she was the pretty, bubbly high school girl everyone loved. But that was just outsiders' views. To her little brother, she was nothing but a brutish gorilla.
And it was the same now. Her underwear-and-T-shirt getup wasn't sexy at all. It was like a primate draped in rags over the essentials. Even the son who no longer existed wouldn't react.
......Thinking about it made that spot feel so empty. My gaze drifted down to my lower half.
It's so empty... It still feels like it's there....
Yeonseo-unnie had told me that some patients who went from male to female experienced phantom pains like with a missing limb. She said to call her if it happened. Some felt pain, others inexplicable orgasms that tormented them.
"Ughhh...."
"What? Thinking something naughty? Heh heh...."
As I groaned in complicated feelings, Unnie cracked a lewd joke with a sly grin. She sucked the crumbs off her fingers, then shook her fist up and down in the air.
"Ack?!"
Irritation surged, and I smacked her chest with my palm.
Smack! A crisp sound rang out, mixed with Unnie's yelp.
"Ow, that hurts! You little...!"
Not one to lose, she climbed on top of me, pinning me down, and reached for my chest.
"Eek!"
A sharp, stinging pain shot from my chest, drawing an odd moan from my lips before I knew it. Ah, it hurt! In agony beyond words, my eyes went to my chest. Unnie was playfully pressing down with her palm, kneading it.
The friction against my clothes made my shoulders tremble bit by bit.
"Ugh! Hnng!"
"......Sorry."
Unnie's playful expression vanished as she watched my reaction. With that one word, an awkward air settled between us. I stared at her with teary eyes, panting. Her weight pressed on my stomach, and the pain in my chest kept my body from moving well.
"Oh, r-right! Come to think of it... you're still growing, aren't you...."
Growing...? I knew exactly what she meant.
"......You haven't worn a bra yet, have you?"
"Uh, ughhh....!"
I shook my head side to side, face crumpling in distress. I had no clue about that stuff. I'd grudgingly accepted women's underwear, but a bra was a hard no. I didn't even know how to put one on... Wearing that would make me feel like a real girl....
"You know it hurts like hell if you don't wear one during growth spurts, right?"
"Ugh...."
I stayed silent, face tear-streaked. I already knew from experience—no need for words. But embarrassment kept me from admitting I needed one. It was still just at the early middle-school puff-up stage, so I figured I could do without. Still, honestly, as Unnie said, every little movement rubbed against my clothes, bringing that prickly pain and a lumpy feeling that made daily life annoying.
"You let underwear slide but draw the line at a bra? Doesn't that seem kinda weird?"
She handed me the whiteboard and marker, like write what you wanna say. Still lying down, I scribbled quickly.
But it's embarrassing to say myself that I need it.
Overwhelmed by shame, I hid my face behind the board. My cheeks burned; I couldn't meet Unnie's eyes.
"Ugh... Don't make that cute face... You look just like a real girl...."
I'm already a girl. I'm not a boy anymore.
I am a girl. Writing it with my own hand felt weird. But denying this reality and insisting I was a boy? My body looked like a girl's no matter how you sliced it. Small and fragile, it felt like it'd fit perfectly in someone's arms. Waist-length glossy black hair, mismatched blue eyes, a slim yet rounded face with a childlike vibe—whoever saw me would call me a girl.
"If you're admitting it yourself, at least wear a bra."
Unnie advised me in a gentler tone.
A bra... Did I really have to?
I don't wanna. I don't know how, and I don't even have one that fits.
"Oh, that reminds me...."
Unnie sat up like something had clicked. Right then, a knock at the door.
"Son? You with Unnie?"
Mom's voice from outside drew my eyes to the door.
"Mom, Sua can't talk...."
"Ahhh...."
"D-don't make that pitiful face... It's not like we can help it...."
Unnie backpedaled, looking sorry.
"So you are together? What fun thing are you two up to?"
"Oh, Mom! Perfect timing!"
The door opened, revealing Mom's face. Unnie jumped up and rushed to her. Mom looked flustered and asked,
"What's up? Do you need something?"
Mom smiled warmly, glancing between us. Unnie grinned back mischievously. A chill ran down my spine. I knew why.
"Ahhhh!!!!"
No! Don't say it!!
I let out a pathetic groan, scribbled frantically on the whiteboard, and thrust it at Unnie and Mom as I scrambled over.
"Hm? Don't say what?"
"Well... Sua needs a bra... Ack?!"
I couldn't stop her mouth, so I pinched her thigh hard. Unnie's face twisted as she glared at me.
"You, you!!! I was doing you a favor!!"
"Owuu!!"
Unnie grabbed my cheeks and stretched them wide.
"Try fighting back! Boy or girl, I always win!"
"Ughhh!!"
We pinched thighs and cheeks, bickering away. Mom could've stopped us anytime, but instead, she chuckled softly, watching her squabbling kids with a fond smile.
"You two really get along... It's like the old days...."
Mom murmured as she watched us.
The old days.... Yeah, it really was. How long since I'd burned energy tussling with Unnie like this? A whole year cooped in a dark, quiet room, just clicking keyboards. I'd thought human living was done for me....
"Wh-what, why are you crying?! Did I pinch too hard?!"
"Ah...."
Oh no, emotions surged and my tear ducts burst again. I wiped my eyes quick and beamed at Mom and Unnie.
Just because I'm happy.
I pondered what to write, settling on simple joy. It felt kinda cringy, but happy was happy.
"You... Th-that born-girl face won't make me go easy!!"
Unnie yelled, cheeks flushing.
"Hehe...."
"S-see?! Don't smile like that!! M-Mom... At this rate, Sua'll get a boyfriend first....!"
"Hee hee, better not joke like that."
Mom soothed her excited daughter with a kind smile.
A few minutes later, when Unnie calmed down:
"Oh yeah, didn't you have something to say to me?"
"Right! A bra!"
"Eek?!"
Unnie blurted without thinking at Mom's question. That word made my shoulders shake violently. Mom's gaze naturally turned to me.
"A bra? Oh! You probably need one...."
Mom's eyes slid from my face to my chest and stopped. First time in my life her gaze felt burdensome.