A Fool's Embrace
The carriage jolted, and the sudden motion startled me awake. I glanced around and saw Eryk leaning against the wall, fast asleep, with my head resting on his thigh. …So he lent me his own leg. The thought that it must have been heavy hit me first, so I quickly sat up and clung to him.
"He's sleeping."
Once we reached the battlefield, it would be hard to see Eryk's face like this anymore. In urban combat, we'd both be dashing around frantically. We might not even know if the other was alive or dead until the fighting was over.
"…Eryk, you can't die. You absolutely cannot die."
Don't die until the war is over. Remembering the request he'd made of me, I leaned against the sleeping Eryk and whispered the same words. It felt wonderful to have someone to lean on, yet I was terrified that if that support vanished, the fall would hurt even more. I'd gained something I didn't want to lose. In a life that had been nothing but despair, hope had taken root. It wasn't exactly a good thing.
The battlefield, which had already terrified me, would now be twice as frightening. I'd seen plenty of what happened to those who clung to pointless hope on the front lines. Anyone who disobeyed orders and tried to surrender was summarily executed on the spot. Even if the enemy accepted their surrender, once they reached the other side, they were killed far more brutally than if they'd kept fighting. Even without that, in war, those who held onto hope were always the first to die.
That was why it was bad that I'd come to possess hope now. Because humans, once they have hope, will do anything to protect it—and that leads to mistakes.
"……."
I gazed at Eryk. I knew it. I knew perfectly well that Eryk could become my weakness. That he could make things even harder for me. I might make irrational decisions because of that hope. I might even throw my life away.
But when I looked at his face, I couldn't help thinking that it would be worth it if it meant protecting him.
…I must be crazy.
I fiddled with the cigarette Eryk had given me. It felt like only yesterday I'd thrown a tantrum, insisting I wouldn't accept cigarettes from him.
"Now I'm accepting them without complaint."
Was this really the right thing? Was this truly, truly right?
"…Eryk."
"……."
"I even like the way you sleep. What am I supposed to do?"
I whispered into his chest as I leaned against him. Eryk gave no answer. I rubbed my cheek against his body. It was warm, and it made the resolve I'd tried so hard to harden melt away. Yet I couldn't stop. Even though I knew better than anyone that leaning on him like this would make it impossible to survive on the battlefield, I couldn't stop.
If only I could charge into battle like Kriha, fighting like a madwoman. If I could sweep away the enemy without a shred of guilt, maybe this feeling would ease a little. I wasn't sure.
A coward who was even afraid to promise a future with Eryk and ran away instead. That was the kind of person I was.
"…I'm a coward, Eryk. I'm so weak it feels like I'd shatter if you even tapped me."
Maybe I was already broken. But Eryk had pulled me into his arms anyway. I didn't know why. He simply said he liked me. It made him seem a little foolish, but—
"…I like that fool, Eryk."
I liked that foolish side of him. Though maybe the real fool was me. Thinking that, I hugged the warm Eryk tightly. It felt like I was burning. Like my cold skin was touching him and slowly cooking.
"I love you, Eryk."
Today, I'd created the greatest, and perhaps final, support of my life. I'd found a reason to live. Not the crushing guilt and sense of duty that had weighed on my shoulders, but something else entirely.
"…I think I'm going insane."
I really was going insane. But that was fine. Because I'd gained the confidence that even if I went mad, Eryk would still love me. The person who loved me more than I loved myself. The person I loved more than I loved myself. I hugged that Eryk—the one who could be summed up in those two sentences—tightly.
Embracing my greatest and only weakness, I headed toward the battlefield. A feeling began to creep over me that ruin awaited at the end, but I couldn't let go of Eryk.
The carriage raced through the night without rest, and we arrived at the base where our unit was stationed early the next morning.
"Major, we'll be getting off soon."
"…Just a little longer, please."
"……."
Sitting on Eryk's lap, I smiled happily and clung to him. Every time I rubbed my cheek against his chest, he'd look flustered, and I found that incredibly entertaining.
"Are you excited?"
"…Major, didn't we agree not to act like this before heading to the battlefield?"
"But if I don't do this now…"
It seemed like it would be a very long time before we'd have another chance like this.
"It feels like I won't be able to hold you for a long while, so please just indulge me a little."
"Haa…"
When I looked up at him with a blank expression, Eryk let out a sigh that said he was helpless.
"Just a little, then."
"Thank you. Once we get off, I'll act like none of this ever happened."
"I'm already hurt."
Eryk let out a dry laugh as he said that. I leaned into his body and hugged him even tighter.
"…To think I won't be able to do this anymore."
When I said that, Eryk gently stroked my hair and smiled.
"Just endure it a little. We could sneak out for a walk at night and meet that way, couldn't we?"
"Even if we meet, we'll have to pretend to fight, though."
It was already well known throughout our unit—no, throughout the entire Imperial Army—that Eryk and I didn't get along. Lately, rumors had even spread that we were plotting to assassinate each other. To be precise, it was mostly Eryk's one-sided assassination attempts.
"Especially after someone went around spreading assassination plots and weird rumors started flying."
"Ahem…! I'm sorry. You know I cherish you a lot now, right?"
"I do."
I smiled brightly and rubbed my soft cheek against his chest again.
"If we're going to meet in the evening, it seems we'll have to badmouth each other."
"…Do you think you can handle that without getting hurt?"
"……."
It seemed better than not meeting at all, so I nodded.
"…Not meeting would hurt more than not being met, so please meet me and badmouth me."
"I'm not sure I'll be able to badmouth you, but I'll try."
"The same person who used to go around cursing me so well?"
When I looked up at him with a face full of discontent, Eryk looked flustered. I gave him a few light smacks.
"Honestly, even now, deep down, you still hate me a little, don't you?"
"…That's…"
"Why aren't you denying it right away?"
When I asked that, Eryk averted his eyes. As expected, the fact that I was a vampire still bothered him.
"……."
"This is something that will take time. You know that too, don't you, Captain?"
As he spoke, Eryk took my hand. I nodded at him. Then the thought crossed my mind—couldn't I just make the fact that I was a vampire feel completely natural and ordinary to him?
"Then, I just need to get you used to it, right?"
"…Well, yes."
Eryk said that while radiating anxiety with his whole body. I smiled at him, then brought my lips to his neck.
"Hup…"
"…!?"
"May I drink a little blood so you can get used to it faster?"
When I said that and smiled, Eryk's expression stiffened slightly. It was probably a reflexive rejection toward vampires.
…It hurts.
I hadn't been hurt at all, yet my chest ached.
"…It's fine."
With his permission, I hugged him tightly and began to drink. Why did Eryk's blood taste so good? The thought that maybe it was because I liked him so much crossed my mind.
"Pwah… haa."
"Already done?"
Eryk asked as he stroked my hair. I nodded in response.
"I've been drinking too much lately, so I only took a little in case it might affect you in battle. Was that unnecessary consideration?"
When I asked, Eryk shook his head while touching my cheek.
"Thank you. Thanks to you, I won't collapse during combat."
"…If you do collapse, I'll come running right away."
"Hah, and yet you told me not to worry even if you were kidnapped."
Eryk let out a dry laugh as he said that. I frowned at him.
"Are those two things the same? I said that because I want you to survive no matter what, Lieutenant Colonel. I don't want to watch any more of my subordinates die."
At that, Eryk pulled me into a tight embrace and patted my back like I was a nursing baby.
"…That's the same for me, Major."
"…!!"
My face turned bright red in an instant. Eryk saw it and burst out laughing.
"…Don't treat me like a child!"
"Honestly, Major, aren't you small?"
"……."
"I'm talking about height. Don't misunderstand."
When I glared at him, Eryk hurriedly made excuses.
"That's even more hurtful… Of course I thought you meant height when I glared."
"……."
"…You're too much."
I knew it myself. When I sulked and turned my back on him, a flustered Eryk began explaining himself in a panic.
"No, that's not what I meant."
"……."
"…M-Major, no matter what you're like, I'm fine with it, so don't get too discouraged."
"…Of course you'd prefer someone bigger, Lieutenant Colonel."
"No, haa…"
Eryk let out a deep sigh. I looked at him and said thank you.
"Anyway, once we get off we'll have to pretend nothing happened, so this works out nicely. Thanks to you, I'll be able to thoroughly ignore you."
When I said that, Eryk made a look of utter despair.
"Well, thank you very much."
"…I'm sorry."
"Hmph."
When I turned my head away, Eryk hung his head.