The Road to the Capital (1)
I vomited up every drop of blood I had drunk on the way to the capital. I desperately tried to scoop the blood that had spilled across the floor and swallow it again, but—
“…Ugh…!!”
The wave of nausea that surged through me shattered even my usual blank expression, forcing hot tears to spill from my eyes. My face, reflected in the pool of crimson blood, finally twisted into a wretched sob of pure torment.
It hurt. It hurt so much.
Would it be easier if I just died? The thought flickered through my mind, but I still wanted to live. I could never forgive myself for choosing the comfort of death. I had resolved to survive no matter how ugly it got. I truly had. Yet this path was covered in thorns, and the pain was unbearable.
Still, out of guilt for every life I had stolen, I had no choice but to keep walking it. I clung desperately to the belief that happiness waited at the end.
…If I’m discharged, could I finally be happy?
The question wormed its way into my thoughts. If I ran from this responsibility, hid behind the title of hero, and left the battlefield behind—would I be happy then? That answer was wrong too. I remembered the few weeks I had already spent wallowing in peace. My PTSD only grew worse away from the front lines. Off the battlefield, I could no longer find fresh, relatively less repulsive human blood. I would have to survive on the filthy, nauseating blood of beasts.
“……”
This was hell. To me, this world had always been that kind of place. My previous life and this one weren’t all that different. The only saving grace was that I had comrades here. Kriha, Jenny, Kyle. I had three precious subordinates. Subordinates who seemed like they would never die.
“…What’s the point of any of it?”
But what was the use of any of that? I had already lost Bermann. After that, the fear of losing my subordinates became unbearable. I couldn’t endure it.
Once more, I stared at my reflection in the pool of red vomit.
…What right do you have to cry?
Don’t cry. I whispered the words to myself as I looked at my blood-stained hands.
“…I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
The lives I had taken felt like countless dog tags resting in my palms. It was as if their tags were tangled between every finger, wrapped around every knuckle. The weight of them was slowly becoming too much to bear. Each one carried such heavy meaning that it was growing harder and harder to hold them all in my two hands.
Yet even so, I could not let them go. Even in the moment I shattered and collapsed, my hands would probably still be full of those tags. Even if they turned into iron chains that dragged me down to death, I would never cut them away.
No—I would not be able to cut them away.
That was the fate I carried.
The pain stabbed into my chest like a blade.
“……”
Now I could barely even force out the words “I’m sorry.” Drinking blood had become unbearably painful and agonizing. It wasn’t simply because the corpses were rotting. The guilt was so overwhelming I could no longer stand it.
“…Eryk. Why? Why are you doing this to me?”
I cursed the man who had turned me into this. It hurt. Every time I tried to drink blood, Eryk’s actions, his smallest expressions, his tone—they all pierced my heart. That sharp look in his eyes made it seem like he would devour me one day. It terrified me, as if he would truly take my life.
…Get a grip… Get a grip, Valentine.
To prevent that very thing, how many times had I crawled on the ground like a dog? I had bowed and scraped before nobles, lent them my strength, watched the imperial family’s every mood, and built connections. I had convinced myself that Eryk was no longer a threat to me.
But now—
“…He might actually kill me.”
The hatred contained in those eyes felt like it was strangling my throat. I had thought I had put a collar on a masterless hunting dog. So why was it barking at me so fiercely? I couldn’t understand the reason.
Eryk, who had come to feel not only pity but even guilt while watching the vampire, stood frozen.
“……”
He stared blankly at Valentine. The small figure was sobbing as if something had caused her unbearable resentment. Not long after, his own name slipped from her lips.
“…Eryk. Why? Why are you doing this to me?”
“…!!”
The moment his name left Valentine’s mouth, Eryk flinched in shock.
“…Damn it.”
Disgusted with himself for being startled and tormented, Eryk frowned and glared at the vampire before him.
“…That isn’t Valentine, the Major. That isn’t the Empire’s great hero. It’s nothing but a filthy vampire.”
He tried once more to bury his guilt and pity beneath hatred, but—
“…He might actually kill me.”
Watching her desperately wipe away tears that would not stop falling, the rage that had been rising inside him vanished completely.
“…Ugh.”
Overwhelmed by a fresh wave of guilt and confusion, Eryk staggered and fell to the ground.
Just what the hell are you, Valentine?
Was that vampire truly nothing more than a disgusting monster? Or was she an outstanding subordinate and comrade-in-arms? Caught between those two extremes, Eryk felt an overwhelming sense of chaos. Then, from far away, his eyes met Valentine’s as she wiped away her tears.
“Ah.”
“…L-Lieutenant Colonel?!”
Valentine jumped in surprise. Her reaction was so unlike her that Eryk was startled as well.
“…Ahem.”
“……”
“Were you… drinking blood again?”
Eryk walked toward her with heavy steps, pretending nothing had happened. Valentine could not answer. She simply hung her head low. Normally he would have smacked the top of that head a few times and spat out some insulting remark, but—
How could I do that now?
Even Eryk was only human. After witnessing that scene, he found himself unable to do anything. Looking closely, he noticed her hands were trembling violently; her mind seemed to be in complete disarray. The sight of Valentine covered in filthy dirt and slightly rotten, foul-smelling blood made him click his tongue.
“…Tsk.”
This time it wasn’t because he hated her. It was simply because seeing such a small girl in that state filled him with pity. However—
“…Do I look that ridiculous to you, Lieutenant Colonel…?”
“What?”
It seemed Valentine had taken it in a completely different way.
“I’m sorry… for being this kind of… utterly useless existence……”
“…Why are you like this?”
“……”
When Eryk asked, Valentine lifted her head and glared at him. Tears clung to the corners of her eyes.
“……”
“……”
They stared at each other in silence. It was Eryk who broke it first.
“…Take it.”
-Thud.
He tossed something wrapped in plastic onto the ground as he spoke. Valentine stared at it. It was a pack of high-quality cigarettes—one of the supply items that had just arrived for Eryk, still unopened.
“……”
“You won’t take it just because it fell on the ground? Whatever. It’s not an order anyway.”
With those words, Eryk turned away. He felt that staying any longer would only hurt both their feelings.
…Let go of your guilt with this, Eryk. She’s a woman you’ll eventually have to kill with your own hands.
He knew that feeling guilt or pity for such a being was completely useless. So he muttered those words to himself and hid where Valentine could not see him.
“…What the hell am I doing right now?”
He had spoken as if he didn’t care, but in truth Eryk couldn’t relax until he saw Valentine accept the gift. Even as he grumbled about his own behavior, he couldn’t tear his eyes away from her.
Before long, Valentine had returned to her usual blank, dazed expression.
“……”
She stood up, brushed the dirt from her clothes, and stared blankly at the cigarettes that had fallen to the ground.
“…I’m not some beggar.”
“……”
With those words, she kicked the pack away with her foot. The cigarettes were ruined.
“…Anything I take from you is tainted. Don’t meddle in my affairs when you don’t know anything, Eryk.”
Her voice drifted over as she stared at the broken pack. Eryk felt his mind go completely blank.
“Haa… Hic.”
It was the fifth day since I had refused Eryk’s cigarettes. I was already deeply regretting that choice. I hadn’t been able to drink blood. The cheap cigarettes no longer helped suppress my hunger.
…I should have just taken them.
I kept throwing up everything I ate, regretting my decision over and over, but it was pointless now.
“M-Major, you’re really going to collapse at this rate…!”
“…Jenny, mind your own business.”
“Major……”
I had become so irritable that I even snapped at Jenny, who was clearly worried about me.
I feel dizzy… Blood. I need blood.
I felt like I was going insane. There were corpses everywhere. Even if they had started to rot a little, I could still drink from them, but—
…Eryk. What the hell did you do to me?
It was as if he had cast a curse on me. Every time I tried to drink blood, his face would flash through my mind and drive me to the brink of madness.
Then—
“Major…! Are you alright?”
“…Kriha.”
The golden retriever who never noticed my inner turmoil had returned with a bright smile. She brought news that the carriage bound for the imperial palace had arrived. And that Eryk and I were to ride in it together.
What the hell was this?
“…They’re going to stuff a man and a woman into one carriage…?”
“It’s not a truck, it’s a carriage! If someone from the imperial family heard you, there’d be trouble!”
“……”
“Besides, the Lieutenant Colonel isn’t the kind of person who would do that.”
Kriha laughed cheerfully. Jenny, noticing how furious I was, quickly dragged Kriha away.
“S-Sorry!”
“Huh? Jenny? What’s wrong?!”
“Just shut up…!!”
I stared blankly at the spot where the two of them had disappeared.
“…Riding in the same carriage as Eryk… Are they actually crazy?”
I was muttering to myself when—
“…You think you’re the only one who’s annoyed?”
“…Loyalty.”
Eryk appeared before me with a face like he had bitten into something bitter.