If You're Going to Be Like This, Don't Treat Me Well
The confusion was overwhelming. If you're going to be like this, don't treat me well at all. I could feel my heartbeat slowing again. A rush of blood surged to my head, and my breathing began to steady. Even though the PTSD had subsided, I remained utterly bewildered.
"…What did you just say, Eryk?"
The cigarette Eryk had placed in my mouth was now clutched in my hand. It was burning down, but I hadn't even put it to my lips. I simply stared at him in a daze. The man who had been commanding our forces, swiftly capturing enemy trenches and clearing away their corpses.
"……."
Why had he taken care of me? What was he trying to prove? As time passed and my head cooled, those thoughts surfaced. I hugged my chilled body tightly and approached him.
"…Lieutenant Colonel."
"What is it?"
"……."
"…If you have nothing to say, why interrupt your superior when he's busy? If it's nothing, get lost."
Eryk's face was twisted in a frown as he spoke, his tone ice-cold. The sorrowful expression from earlier was nowhere to be found. Once again, his face held nothing but unbearable disgust toward me.
…Why is he acting like this toward me?
Having witnessed that emotion firsthand, I was left in nothing but confusion. My expressionless facade meant my turmoil wouldn't reach him, but still.
"…That's not it. I just don't understand why you took care of me, Lieutenant Colonel…"
"When did I ever take care of you? On the battlefield, a soldier who fails to pull their weight requires a superior to step in and do what must be done. That's all."
"……."
"…Don't take the things I said to heart."
"…Why?"
When I asked that, Eryk turned to look at me and tapped his head in clear irritation.
"Because I didn't mean any of it. Whatever you do or think, it's none of my business."
"…I know that."
"I'm simply disgusted. It's that species—vampires—that disgusts me."
"……."
"As long as you're a vampire, everything you do will disgust me."
"…Is that… so?"
Something inside me felt like it was about to spill over into tears. It was as if I were being treated like nothing more than a tool. Had I become a human with no use even as a soldier? To be this emotionally shaken… Why? What was the reason I was reacting this strongly?
"I'll… be going."
"…If possible, don't come back."
"…Understood."
"I hope you'll act like you did when you were avoiding me. There's nothing good that comes from us seeing each other's faces."
Looking at Eryk as he said those words, I felt a sharp, aching pain in my chest. I didn't understand what it meant. I'd thought, even if just a little, that I'd earned some acknowledgment from him.
…Was it all in my head?
It must have been a misunderstanding. That sense of loss, I told myself. The ache in my chest was because of that loss. Even though I didn't truly know the real reason.
Trading confusion for that stinging ache, I felt my head grow foggy again as I raised my hand to salute.
"Loyalty."
"……."
Eryk thoroughly ignored me, showing only his back. He didn't even return the salute as he disappeared into the distance. I simply stared after him in a daze.
…Have I calmed down a little now?
That was what Eryk thought as he gazed at Valentine standing before him. Though her face was expressionless, she looked like a drenched puppy. A single vampire who had approached him and now looked up at him. Yet to Eryk, that vampire no longer appeared as a vampire.
Eryk, have you forgotten your family?
His instincts screamed at him, rejecting Valentine. And because he didn't want to lose his family, he obeyed those instincts. The hatred that had vanished surged back up. Valentine was simply Valentine. That was what he'd thought, but now, drowning in extreme revulsion, he frowned again.
That thing is a filthy vampire.
He brainwashed himself with those words. And once again, he ended up spitting harsh words at Valentine. Every time he saw the slight twitch at the corner of her mouth, the faint tremble in her eyebrows, it felt like his hatred for vampires was being diluted. As if the subordinates, family, and comrades who had been sacrificed were being forgotten. So he inflicted humiliation on Valentine, who had done nothing wrong.
After saving her when she was on the verge of breaking, he was the one shoving her back into the abyss. He couldn't have been more disgusted with himself.
…Why don't I even feel sorry, Eryk?
Even when he asked himself that, no answer came. All he saw was Valentine, unable to form words, her mouth opening and closing uselessly before her head drooped. Then she lifted her gaze again and met his eyes.
"…I'll… be going."
She spoke as if forcing the words out was painful. Eryk hesitated for a moment before hurling another curse at her and turning away. From behind, he heard the sound of her saluting. But he didn't look back.
If he turned around now, would Valentine be crying? If he saw that, would his hatred vanish again? Would the sacrificed ones be forgotten? Afraid of that, he didn't turn. No—he couldn't turn.
Because just moments ago, when he'd comforted her, for a brief time Valentine had truly taken their place in his heart.
Eryk resolved to keep his distance from her. And so, without acknowledging her salute and with no particular destination, he walked far away. In the spot he left behind, there was no sound of Valentine departing.
"…Ugh… Don't think about it, Eryk."
Only after he'd moved far enough away—after he'd distanced himself from his subordinates—did Eryk clutch his head. Thoughts crashed over him like waves. Just what did he see Valentine as? Was she nothing but a hateful vampire? Or a hero who crossed the line of fire with him? Comrade, monster, enemy, benefactor. Caught between them all, Eryk couldn't define her. That was why he was confused, and why a headache pounded at his skull.
He couldn't understand what the hell he'd just done. He didn't know if he wanted to take care of her or kill her. As if protesting that he should pick one, the wound on his side from the black blade split open again, blood gushing out.
"…Ugh."
Eryk bit his lip against the surging pain. He put a cigarette to his mouth and swallowed the smoke. His head grew hazy, oxygen running short.
…Valentine, what the hell are you?
Wracked by physical and mental agony, Eryk agonized over it. Of course, those worries of his soon vanished. The brutal trench warfare that would continue from then on swept away all idle thoughts.
A few days later, supplies arrived along with words of appreciation for our hard work. Then came the notice that, due to a new operation, this was no longer the front line.
In other words—
"…It really was just an experiment?"
Our desperate battle. The one where so many soldiers had lost their lives. It meant the entire war had been something that didn't need to happen in the first place.
"……."
In utter futility, I was about to crumple the letter sitting atop the supplies when—
"Do you understand the weight of what you're doing?"
"…!!"
From behind came Eryk's unbearably irritated voice.
"…Loyalty."
"Still wearing that terrifying expression, I see."
With those words, Eryk tossed a cigarette butt at my feet. I remained silent as I looked at him.
"Trying to tear up an imperial letter? Has the vampire finally gone mad?"
"……."
"Go on, rip it up. So I can execute you for treason."
"…Didn't you tell me not to die?"
"When did I ever say that?"
Eryk wore an expression of pure disbelief.
"……."
"…I told you to die by my hand. It means it's fine if I kill you."
"…So that's what you meant."
He was truly, maddeningly infuriating. I wanted to kill him. But I couldn't. In this unfamiliar world, with its unfamiliar story, the only one I could rely on was this man.
"……."
"Now, hurry up and tear it."
"…No need."
I set the letter back down on the supplies. Eryk let out a mocking laugh as he watched me. At that laugh, something inside me snapped.
I knew how much Eryk hated vampires. I knew how much of an eyesore I was to him as one. But at the very least—
"…Lieutenant Colonel, do the sacrifices of our men mean so little to you?"
At the very least, he shouldn't have mocked me for feeling the impulse to tear up that letter which insulted those who had died for the operation. That thought swirled violently through my mind. I hated him. I hated him so much. And yet, looking at him like this made my panic attacks disappear.
"…What did you say?"
"I asked if the sacrifices of our subordinates mean so little to you…"
"……."
Eryk frowned deeply as he looked at me. If you're going to be like this, why did you treat me well back then? I wanted to ask, but the question never left my lips.
"…Just hand out the rations."
"……."
"This filthy vampire will go find some blood to drink somewhere."
With that, I trudged into the trench. Soon the emperor would summon the two of us to the capital. Then I'd have to drink that rotten pig blood again for several days. I shuffled toward the area still littered with corpses that hadn't been properly cleared.
"…Disgusting. Disgusting, disgusting…"
Suppressing the nausea that surged wildly, I hurried my steps to avoid Eryk's piercing gaze from behind. If he was going to be like this, he shouldn't have treated me well at all. Thanks to Eryk, my own disgust felt even more vivid.
In the end, that day—
"Ugh…!! Bleeegh."
I vomited up all the blood I'd drunk.
Eryk followed the departed vampire.
'…….'
And he saw her vomiting all the blood, her expressionless mask shattered as she sobbed that she was sorry.
Looking at that sight, Eryk—
"……."
couldn't utter a single word. All he felt was a faint ache lingering in one corner of his chest, squeezing his heart like a vise.
The solitary murmur he finally let out after long deliberation was:
"…Am I… feeling… guilt… right now…?"
Even Eryk himself couldn't understand it.