Chapter 33
"......Why are you crying."
I awkwardly wiped at Maria's tears with my hand, flustered and sweating. Maria accepted my touch without resistance and let out a big sniffle.
"Why are you so hurt...... How much must it have pained you......"
The fact that there was someone crying for me made my chest feel strangely tight. I scratched my head furiously and mumbled nonsense to soothe her.
"I'm fine. It doesn't hurt anymore...... I'm a Sword Master, after all. If these wounds got me down, I never would've reached this level. Really, it's nothing. Doesn't bother me at all."
"No. That's not true, miss."
Maria wiped her own tears. Even filled with sorrow, her steadfast gaze warmed me gently.
"There are no wounds in this world that don't hurt."
Ah.
I squeezed my eyes shut. Too kind. What had I done so wrong that these people kept urging me to form precious bonds again?
Precious things always hurt me. I'd lived pretending they didn't faze me, but nothing ever truly didn't. It always hurt. Every night, I felt my wounds burrowing into my flesh. I agonized over my inability to be happy, to make others happy.
"It's okay now, Miss Shushu."
The tender voice soothing me slowed the surge of emotions rising in my chest. I rubbed my eyes roughly with the back of my hand. Immersed in this kindness, I felt like I could die from it.
After the bath, Maria lectured me at length while inspecting the scars on my body, slathering ointment everywhere before I could finally lie down in bed.
Is this a dream?
All the frantic events felt far too real. Sunk deep into the massive, fluffy bed, I wiggled my bare toes.
What will tomorrow bring?
I bit my lip hard. I dreaded that Kaiser's whims might end come morning. I'd racked my brain over how to respond if he claimed I'd gone mad yesterday and tried to kill him and Aria, but at some point, my chest ached too much, and I stopped thinking.
I clutched the soft blanket tight. I was scared, suspicious, worried—but at the same time, happy enough to wonder if I even deserved it.
......I don't know.
I pulled the blanket over my head. I didn't know anything anymore. All I wanted was...
I hope the Duke's whim lasts as long as possible.
I slowly closed my eyes. I couldn't fend off the oncoming sleep any longer.
That night, for the first time since becoming a Sword Master, I slept deeply.
And in the morning.
Entering the hall for breakfast, I gaped at the massive platter holding a roasted beast's head—twice the size of my body—arranged so appetizingly, then at the note left beside it.
[You're so skinny, I feared you'd snap if tapped. I had them roast the meat of the continent's largest beast. Eat it all and get checked by the physician.]
My father...... was he insane?
"Whoa......"
I exclaimed without thinking and looked around. Cool snowflakes settled on my cheeks. The ducal residence's garden, blanketed in white snow, was breathtaking. The floral scent tickling my nose lifted the corners of my mouth unwittingly.
Maybe because the bed was too comfy, I'd slept in ridiculously late, waking only in the early afternoon. The news I heard was that Kaiser had entered the palace at dawn on the Emperor's summons. Since Aria hadn't woken yet, I had to eat breakfast alone in the vast manor hall.
Uh...... this is way too much for me alone......
"Miss Kashmir, you look underweight at a glance. You have plenty of muscle, but no fat at all—your whole body is just muscle. You need to eat more. To build up some padding, focus on fatty, high-protein foods......"
Sitting alone at the long table fit for an imperial council chamber, I endured the physician's nonstop nagging while devouring the feast covering it. I couldn't rise until I'd cleared half.
The garden outside the window looked so pretty. Mind if I take a quick solo stroll?
Solo? It might be dangerous—I'll come with you!
......Wouldn't anyone who runs into me be the one in danger?
Ah......
Maria, who'd eagerly volunteered to join at the mention of a stroll, backed off meekly when she saw my reluctant expression and the sword at my waist, letting me go alone.
"......Beautiful."
I breathed slowly, strolling leisurely through the garden. My footprints were the only ones in the snow-dusted ground. I glanced around slowly. It was so ethereally lovely, a snow fairy could've popped out and it wouldn't have surprised me.
In spring...... even more gorgeous flowers must bloom.
I gazed at the bare trees, stripped by the cold. The snowy garden had a mystical charm, but a spring garden bursting with flowers would surely be far more stunning.
But will I even be here until spring?
I smiled bitterly and looked up at the sky. A futile sigh dissolved into empty breath and vanished.
So hypocritical.
Gazing at the blue sky, I suddenly recalled those piercing blue eyes that had stared straight at me some time ago. The mysterious man who'd visited like a winter night guest, leaving memories impossible to forget.
I told Didi to trust kindness without reason...... but hypocritically, I couldn't trust unearned favor myself.
I was tired of hoping and being disappointed. I didn't want to think positively and get hurt again. Suspicion and wariness to protect what mattered were everyday to me.
I was kind to Didi without reason because I wanted to experience that kindness myself.
I let out a self-mocking laugh and walked slowly. My stomach churned. Now that Kaiser's unearned favor was closing in, I still suspected and guarded against it.
Because I'd never dared expect such things. They don't suit me.
A comfy bed. Fine food. Seemingly casual kindness. The feeling of being precious to someone. All too much for me.
If I'd been a bit more innocent, could I have accepted this at face value?
I carefully probed my tattered heart and long-frozen innocence. If only I could pretend ignorance and bask in his warm gaze, linger simply in his favor.
But I'd lived too harsh a life for that. I doubted his intentions, stayed on guard. Every time my heart softened, I reminded myself I could be cast out anytime. These undeserved luxuries wouldn't last a day, I repeated endlessly.
Saving Aria had already indebted me eternally to the ducal house. I couldn't wish for more. I wouldn't fantasize about this dreamlike routine continuing, wouldn't indulge unworthy greed. Even if told to leave tomorrow, I wouldn't be hurt—I resolved firmly once more.
All I wish is...
For Aria, let this favor stay—not twisted by my presence. Aria deserved happiness as Aria Freya, but my meddling had ruined it.
Aria. I...... did everything for you...... but did it all become a burden to you?
It hurt. Guilt and responsibility tangled into black emotions surging past my throat.
If I hadn't gotten involved...
My mind swirled with thoughts. Countless "what ifs" tormented me. I could be chased out tomorrow, back to gutter-rat life, and it'd be fine. I was fine. But Aria couldn't be.
When the Duke returns...... I'll talk to him once more.
When Kaiser came back from the palace, I'd suggest adopting Aria. She was the world's most lovable child; I was sure he'd come to adore her like he had me. His unbelievable mercy yesterday must've been because she was too precious.
Honestly, Crisis is a better name anyway. Maybe the Crisis ducal house suits her better than the Freya countess.
I comforted myself and organized what to say to Kaiser. For a moment, I pictured the Crisis trio with Aria. Pride mixed with misery—an odd feeling.
Huh.
Lost in thoughts that slowed my steps, they halted entirely. A flowering tree bursting with pink blossoms stood before me. Petals swirled in the winter breeze amid snow-laden branches. Pink petals danced through the air.
Pretty.
Enchanted, I approached. Fallen petals crunched softly underfoot.
A tree blooming in winter.
I stared blankly at the snow-kissed, glowing blossoms. With my busy life ignoring seasons, this leisurely flower-gazing felt utterly foreign. Speechless before the pink spectacle atop the white world, I reached out tentatively to touch a bloom. The soft texture felt vivid.
Gazing endlessly upward, a massive impulse suddenly overrode reason.
Should I climb it?
The thick branches looked sturdy, and even if one snapped, my reflexes would let me land unscathed.
No one's around anyway.
I glanced slyly about. No signs of life. Like a naughty kid up to mischief, I eyed my surroundings, then set foot on the trunk. Excitement flushed my cheeks. Climbing was laughably easy. Squirrel-like, I scampered up branches to perch on the highest massive limb.
Viewing the snowy garden from the treetop felt utterly unreal. Fresh heavy snowflakes swirled before my eyes. I hated snow, hated winter—but this place's winter was undeniably beautiful. Lost in the wondrous sight...
I loved climbing trees as a kid.
White breath rose as I sank into memories. As a child, on unbearably tough days, I'd climb the village's tallest dead tree at night after everyone slept, savoring the nocturnal view.
Hanging upside down with legs hooked over a branch was the best.
I giggled softly. Others would've freaked, but for thrill-seeking me since childhood, nothing was more fun.
......Shall I?
The impulse flickered. Winter's scent clouded my reason, like reverting to childhood. Hooking my ankles over the branch, I flipped upside down.
Whoosh.
The world inverted in an instant. My long hair, scented with fragrant oil, trailed through the air. My torso swayed front to back. A flawless smile crept onto my lips. Upside-down garden, manor, sky, and earth. Swaying, I savored the spectacle. I felt like a little girl lost in a mirror world's reverse.
Slowly closing my eyes, I focused on senses beyond sight. Winter wind rustling my hair. Flower and oil scents tickling my nose. Leaves rustling softly. A dreamy isolation from the universe.
Ah.
My body relaxed languidly; my ever-sharp instincts dulled to stillness. Just as I thought to sleep eternally like this...
Someone poked my cheek.