84. The Word 'Love'
84. The Word 'Love'
[Episode 84] - The Word Called Love
'...Did I tease her too much?'
I glanced down at Titania, who was pouting with a sullen expression. Her jealousy was so adorable that I had teased her a little, but Titania didn't seem to like it at all, and she hadn't tried to look at me since.
Seeing Titania's jealousy for the first time was so insanely adorable that I couldn't help but laugh. Honestly, I hadn't intended to tease her, but when she showed that side of herself, I couldn't help it. After all, Titania had never shown jealousy toward others before.
It wasn't easy to see a daughter feeling anxious and jealous, afraid of losing her mother. That's why I just wanted to tease her a little, but seeing Titania's reaction, I started to worry that I might have just poured oil on a burning fire.
Anyway, since the oil was already poured, there was no choice but to soothe her gently. I had already seen enough of her cute side, and if I teased her any more, I felt like I'd get scolded by Titania. I lowered my head slightly and whispered into Titania's ear.
"I'm sorry, I teased you too much, didn't I? I just-"
"It's fine. I'm not really angry."
"O-oh, really? Well, that's a relief, but..."
If she says she's not angry, why is my daughter making such a sullen face? As I sighed in frustration, the second song began to play. Hearing the familiar tune, I smiled and took Titania's hand, heading to the dance floor.
The next song wasn't a Mazurka, but a piece Titania and I had practiced together when she was young. A simple yet bouncy tune. A round dance that men and women usually dance in a circle. The 3/4 time signature was perfectly engraved in Titania's body, despite her having no sense of rhythm.
I grinned and looked at Titania, who was being dragged along by my hand.
"Don't tell me you're going to dance this one half-heartedly like the Mazurka? I might be a little disappointed if you do."
"...As if that would happen? I won't dance this song half-heartedly. It's the first song I ever danced with someone."
At my provocation, Titania snickered and approached me with quick steps. Taking our places on the dance floor, we held each other's hands, and I placed my other hand on Titania's back.
Honestly, I'm confessing this now, but the dance we did for Titania's sixth birthday wasn't really a dance; it was more like me dancing with a puppet. Because our heights didn't match in the first place.
However, it was different now. Titania, who had grown to the height of my shoulder, had grown enough to dance properly with me. I was happy to see her grow up so beautifully, but I also felt a little sad.
As I looked at Titania with such complex feelings, the orchestra began to play a cheerful tune. The song that six-year-old Titania had practiced until her feet bled.
It was a 'Waltz'—nostalgic if I felt nostalgic, and tedious if I felt tedious.
*
Honestly, Titania had no time to focus on the waltz.
She had been to balls every year and danced with many partners, but she had never once been conscious of her partner. For Titania, dancing was just one of those annoying daily routines. Because of her position as a princess, she couldn't avoid dancing, so she would just grab a partner and dance half-heartedly.
But now, it was different.
'Something... is incredibly embarrassing.'
While dancing, she didn't know where to look, how to make her expression, whether her hand, which was clasped with her mother's, was sweating, why the temperature of the palm on her back was so hot, or why her stomach, which brushed against her mother's every time she gasped for air, was so distracting.
Everything that touched her mother was distracting.
Titania was confused, not knowing why she had to care about such things. The reason she started caring about her mother like this must have been from the moment she was caught being jealous of her mother getting close to another young lady.
'Why on earth? I was just caught being jealous, that's all, right? Was I such a spoiled brat?'
Titania knew she had a great relationship with her mother, but she never thought she would be such a spoiled brat as to be jealous of the young ladies her mother got close to.
No, it wasn't the closeness; it was her mother's 'actions' that were the problem.
What was her mother thinking when she kissed the back of another young lady's hand? If it was just to ask for a dance without speaking, a 'gesture' of kissing would have been enough.
However, her mother had really kissed the backs of the other young ladies' hands. Whether it was a glove or bare skin, as if it didn't matter at all. Recalling that scene, Titania felt a surge of emotion again.
'Even I haven't been kissing Mom much lately...!'
Flinch.
Titania was surprised by her own thought and missed a beat for a moment.
It was definitely herself who had been avoiding her mother's kisses lately. Thinking she was all grown up, that she was past the age of kissing her mom. That's why she had decided to sleep in separate rooms, feeling embarrassed to sleep together.
'But why? Why am I angry that Mom kissed someone else?'
Titania almost let out a hollow laugh at her own hypocrisy, but she held it in and kept stepping.
A spoiled, childish heart that didn't want her mother to give affection to others or drift away from her side.
A heart that wanted her mother not to treat her like a child, but to acknowledge her as an adult.
Titania couldn't figure out what she wanted at all.
How on earth did she want her mother to treat her... Did she want her to stay a little away from her side, or did she not want her to leave her side?
Her heart was complicated and dizzy, and there was almost nothing she could be sure of, but this much was certain.
That she was annoyed because her mother gave affection to the young lady.
That she was jealous because she was afraid of losing her mother to someone else.
That she was afraid of being left alone again like that time if she lost her mother to someone else.
Titania suddenly remembered what Viola had said last night. That love only exists when there is obsession and jealousy. That there is such a love.
"Well, books call this obsession or jealousy, but I don't think love without obsession and jealousy exists. You get jealous and obsessed because you love them, right?"
Certainly, Titania was jealous because she 'loved' her mother. However, if asked if this love for her mother was the love of 'lovers' like the protagonists in romance novels, she didn't think so.
Is it okay for 'jealousy' to be included in family love? Even if her mother gave affection to another young lady, is it right for a daughter to be 'jealous' of the young lady? Titania couldn't figure it out at all.
She loved her mother, but that was love as family. Titania didn't know her complex heart well yet, but this much was certain.
'...I hate it when Mom smiles at other people. Just, I hate it. I hate it so much it's annoying.'
A terrible selfishness and jealousy that made her want to laugh bitterly.
In the middle of dancing, Titania looked up at her mother. She wanted to take off that mask covering her lips right now and wipe it hard with a handkerchief. It was annoying that the traces of another young lady remained on her mother's body.
As Titania stared intently at the wolf mask that completely covered Vivian's face, Vivian lowered her head slightly and whispered to Titania.
"Phew... When we return to the royal castle, let's call the dance teacher again. What on earth are you thinking about that you keep missing the beat?"
"Th-that's..."
Titania glanced away, avoiding Vivian's gaze. She didn't even know what her own feelings were right now, so how could she answer the question of what she was thinking? Just then, while she was agonizing over what to say, Titania unconsciously blurted out the conversation she had last night.
"M-Mom, what do you think love is?"
"Love...? Did you read another weird novel...? Like last time when you said you lost your virginity because I kissed your lips- Hrk?!"
Crunch!
How long was she going to keep talking about when she was 10 years old...! Titania, feeling choked up because her dark history was being brought up, stepped hard on Vivian's instep with her shoe. Then, as if telling her to just answer the question, she puffed out her cheeks and glared at Vivian.
"Love... Love... I think love is difficult to express in words. Within the word 'love', there are many things, such as love between family members, and the love of lovers, etc."
Vivian continued the waltz step with her sore foot and began to worry about how to answer Titania. She felt that the love Titania was asking about was not family love or friendship, but 'romantic love'.
After all, she could be proud that she had given Titania love as a family member without stint. It didn't seem necessary to explain family love again to Titania, who must surely know family love well.
And the reason Titania asked Vivian such things was mostly because of the romance novels she read with Viola. Even when she was 10 and talked about virginity, the book she read with Viola was the problem.
Since then, they had forbidden Titania from reading romance novels at the royal castle, but they had let her be when she played with Viola. After all, she thought she could have at least that much of a hobby.
So the 'question about what love is' she was asking now must be because of the book she read with Viola last night. Vivian groaned, wondering if she should stop Viola from reading such books in the future.
"What I think love is..."
Vivian lowered her head and looked at Titania.
Honestly, Vivian also didn't know much about romantic love. Because she would have had to have a lover to know about it in the first place. Therefore, Vivian had no choice but to tell her with the meager knowledge she had gained from novels she read in the past or the internet.
Is Titania now at an age where she will worry about 'romantic love'? Who is the partner? Still, it seems too early to realize romantic love...
But it seemed like she should tell her now.
"Love is the greed to want the other person."
"Greed...?"
"Yes, greed. Like wanting to know everything about the other person, or getting jealous when the other person approaches another person of the opposite sex."
The moment she heard Vivian's explanation, Titania felt the hair on her whole body stand on end. She felt a surge of embarrassment because her mother's words seemed to reveal her heart completely.
"When you love someone, you might want to hug them or kiss them. A selfish heart that wants everything about that person to be directed only at you."
Titania nodded slightly at Vivian's words. She wanted to hug her mother, and she wanted her mother's affection to be directed only at her. She didn't know about wanting to kiss her lips yet...
When her mother's lips touched the back of her hand earlier, honestly, it felt good. Even though it felt like her heart was being constricted, she couldn't stop smiling. Is this that kind of feeling?
"However, such feelings shouldn't be too excessive. You shouldn't force yourself to take the other person's lips. You know that best, right?"
At Vivian's giggling, hateful smile, Titania puffed out her cheeks. She just hated her mother for talking about when she was 10 again, but she didn't hate her that much.
As the song was ending, her mother spun around and took the final pose. Lost in thought, she couldn't remember how she had danced at all. It was as if she had completely entrusted her body to her mother.
When the song ended, applause was heard from all around. Just as she was about to step off the dance floor-
"That is what I think 'lovers'' love is. If you have someone you love later, make sure to tell me. Okay? And, if you get caught showing affection with your partner already, you'll be in trouble."
Stop. Titania stopped walking as she was getting off the dance floor. Then, her face began to turn bright red from the heat rising from her toes.
'So, the things I agreed with in Mom's words until now are 'lovers'' love? But I'm feeling this heart toward 'Mom'?'
The moment that thought occurred-
Titania's face turned red as if it were about to explode.
When Titania didn't get off the dance floor, Vivian looked up at Titania as if asking what was wrong. Titania caught her breath for a moment and looked down at her mother.
As she made eye contact with the green eyes visible through the small eye holes of the wolf mask her mother was wearing, Titania felt like her breath was stopping.
As her mother said-
The emotion she is feeling is romantic love.
And the object of that love is her beloved mother.
The feeling of the emotion she had realized was just...
"U-uh...?"
It was an embarrassment that felt like her whole body was about to explode.