85. What Should I Do?
85. What Should I Do?
[Chapter 85] - What Should I Do?
Immediately after the dance ended, Titania sought out the 'Lounge' to cool down the heat rising to the top of her head.
It was a place where young ladies could fix their makeup or costumes, or take a short rest. Since it was a space used privately, Titania didn't worry about anyone else's eyes and flopped straight onto the sofa, surrendering her body to it.
"Haa..."
Looking up at the ceiling, Titania kicked off her shoes as if throwing them away and hugged the cushion on the sofa tightly. She didn't care at all if her styled hair got messy or her dress wrinkled.
If someone saw this, they would have criticized her, saying, "Princess, you are truly ill-mannered!" but right now, Titania was alone in the lounge. And, if she didn't just sprawl out like this, she felt like she would cry right then and there due to her complicated heart.
What on earth is this? This feeling I have for Mother is 'romantic love'? That word, the one used only when lovers are in love in novels?
She just hated to death that Mother gave affection to other young ladies, and she just wanted that affection to be directed only at her.
And that was 'jealousy' stemming from romantic love? Really, as Mother said, is this heart the romantic love one feels when loving a 'lover'? Me, a daughter, towards my mother?
'That makes no sense logically... Me, a daughter, feeling romantic love for my mother. Besides, both Mother and I are women, aren't we? Even in books, men and women love each other, women don't love women, right?'
Titania denied and denied it.
Saying it couldn't be, saying it made no sense in the first place. Titania denied her feelings for now. She thought it was strange to conclude what this feeling was just by listening to Mother's words when she didn't even know her own heart, but...
It was also true that she empathized with Mother's words. She hated it when Mother approached other young ladies. Moreover, the thought that she wanted Mother to look only at her, without giving her gaze to other young ladies. It was certain that such thoughts had taken root in her heart.
"Aughhh!!"
Titania twisted her body on the sofa again, trembling with embarrassment.
After flipping around a few times, she sighed while looking at the ceiling. She thought her heart might calm down for a moment, but soon, due to the unknown anger boiling inside her, she started kicking the air with her feet.
'If only Mother hadn't said such strange things in the first place! What the hell is romantic love?! Hugging, kissing lips! This is all because Mother said weird things!'
Titania, who was flailing her feet in the air as if kicking a blanket she wasn't even covered with, suddenly had a memory flash through her mind. The memory that she was the one who asked Mother 'what love is'.
In this strange situation where she asked Mother and then got angry herself, Titania, feeling that everything was a bother, became sullen and slumped against the sofa.
What on earth should she do?
Titania squeezed her eyes shut and started to worry.
How could she prove that this feeling wasn't 'romantic love'? In the first place, is this really 'romantic love'? Could she be mistaking this feeling for Mother as just 'familial love'?
'Yes, that must be it. Can't a daughter be a little jealous if the mother she's lived with her whole life gives affection to someone else? It's a stretch to call that romantic love, right? Right? That's it, isn't it?'
Titania asked herself and answered herself, nodding.
She tried to compromise her feelings, telling herself that she had just mistaken this feeling for 'familial love', that she was just a spoiled child who loved her mother too much, and therefore, this feeling of hers was a misunderstanding.
As she tried to believe that all these feelings were a misunderstanding, it felt as if a question was being heard from within her heart. It was as if another version of herself in her heart was asking back.
'Then, is it okay if Mother gives affection to someone else? Since I'm all grown up, since I'm not a child anymore, is it okay if Mother abandons me and loves someone else?'
'......'
'Is it okay if Mother shares love with someone else, like the protagonist in a novel? Holding hands with someone who isn't me, kissing lips with someone who isn't me, and with someone who isn't me...'
Jump!
Titania, her face bright red, sat up with a start.
Tears welled up in her eyes due to the boiling emotions inside. As soon as she thought about Mother doing th-th-that with someone else, tears pricked her eyes.
Titania was 13 years old, but she was at an age where she already knew everything. She had learned in class that babies aren't brought by fairies, but are born when a man and a woman do this and that.
It was something she had to listen to because Mother told her to make sure to receive sex education before entering the Academy. The content of the class itself was embarrassing, but at the time, she didn't think much of the content itself.
Because she already knew it all from reading romance novels. The content of the sex education class was at a level where the sensual scenes in novels were specialized. But Mother doing that with someone else? An act between people who love each other?
Titania wiped her face with both hands, then rubbed her wet eyes with the back of her hand and swallowed hard.
Thinking about Mother doing such things with someone else made her feel an annoyance akin to nausea. It wasn't that she was annoyed at Mother for doing such things. The person she was annoyed at was...
'Ah.'
Titania squeezed her eyes shut.
She didn't know what to do with the feeling that she might cry at any moment. How could this be 'familial love', how could this be a feeling a 'child' could have for a mother, Titania couldn't lift her head due to the overwhelming self-loathing.
'How can it be like this...?'
The person she was annoyed at wasn't Mother, but 'someone' holding Mother. Moreover, this feeling she held for that someone was all too familiar.
Titania knew this feeling better than anyone. After all, not even a few hours had passed since she realized this feeling herself.
The feeling Titania held for the faceless 'someone' in her imagination was none other than 'jealousy'. A vicious jealousy that felt like it would tear her insides apart.
Titania was even jealous of the imaginary existence she had conjured up herself. That fact was so absurd that Titania, lying on the sofa, burst into hollow laughter.
'What on earth do I want to do with Mother? I...'
As she was floundering in self-loathing, she heard someone knock on the lounge door. Moreover, even though she hadn't said to come in, the door swung open with a creak.
Titania cursed inwardly, quickly sat up, and sat demurely. Then, a familiar mask poked its head through the gap in the door.
"Titania, may I come in? Ah, don't worry about other people's gazes. I've confirmed there's no one around."
"M, Mother..."
Seeing the wolf mask peeking through the door gap, Titania's shoulders, which had been tense, began to relax. After Titania let out a sigh of relief, Vivian, who had slipped into the lounge, took a seat on the sofa.
"Are you still tired?"
"Ah, no... I'm fine now..."
"? Is that so? You still look tired to my eyes."
Titania burst into a giggle at those words.
Saying that lies don't work on Mother, she nodded softly.
Then, Mother also let out a weary sigh and took off the wolf mask she was wearing and placed it on the table. It felt strange because her face was her usual Mother, but her hair color was black because she was wearing a wig.
"Why are you staring so intently?"
"...It's my first time seeing Mother wear a wig."
"Is that so? Then look a lot right now. I'm never going to wear it again from next time. It's insanely itchy, more than you'd think. To the point where I want to take it off right now."
Vivian, who had let out a deep sigh, thought about taking off the wig but stopped soon after. It would definitely be refreshing if she took it off, but it was too much of a hassle to put it back on.
Titania, having been granted permission to look at her face, calmly engraved Mother's face onto her retinas. Among Mother's beautiful features, which were the same as usual, the most noticeable thing for some reason was Mother's lips.
Titania couldn't take her eyes off Vivian's lips. As she kept looking at Mother's lips, she felt the soft texture of the lips and the feeling of the fine wrinkles on the back of her hand, so Titania unconsciously stroked the back of her hand where Mother's lips had touched.
Then, quite naturally, she thought she wanted Mother to press her lips to the back of her hand one more time. When that thought occurred, Titania was surprised by the imagination she had and pinched the back of her hand hard!
'Am I really crazy?'
Titania shook her head to shake off the bad thoughts. She had never looked at Mother with 'those eyes' her whole life until now. She swore she really hadn't.
She thought that the reason she was having such bad thoughts was because she had had strange fantasies about Mother earlier, and because she had read too many romance novels, Titania sighed, thinking that.
At Titania's sighs that seemed to want to sink the ground, Vivian looked at Titania with worried eyes. As a mother, there was no way Vivian wouldn't notice Titania's condition.
Vivian gently raised her hand and placed it on Titania's forehead. She checked for heat with her palm, wondering if she might have a fever, but fortunately, it didn't seem like she had a fever.
"Titania, are you really sure you're okay? You're not sick anywhere, are you?"
"I, I'm fine. I'm just tired..."
"...Enduring pain is the most foolish thing to do. If you're sick anywhere, tell me anytime."
"......"
Ah. I think I'm really going crazy.
Titania felt like her body was boiling with heat every time she touched Vivian's skin. The catalyst was Mother's plump lips, and the affectionate gestures that were no different from usual. That affectionate gaze and hand gesture seemed to be driving her crazy today.
Titania glanced up and looked at Mother's lips. She wanted to feel that sensation when those lips touched the back of her hand earlier just one more time. But, how? How could she ask Mother?
Titania hesitated for a moment, then a bad idea came to mind. She knew this wasn't a good idea, but this was all her heat-engulfed brain could think of.
"M, Mother... I think I'm sick..."
"...As I thought, where does it hurt? Body aches? Headache? I should bring a doctor quickly..."
"Th, that's not it...! You don't need a doctor...! I, just..."
Titania, her face bright red, parted her lips and slid one hand toward her mother. The bad idea that popped into her head was a method of exchanging it for her own shame.
"If, if Mother gives me a kiss... I think I'll get better...?"
"......"
A look of utter absurdity.
At Mother's gaze, which seemed to say she was truly dumbfounded, wondering since when she had started acting so cute to her, Titania's face turned as red as it could possibly get. She thought it was absurd herself, but she couldn't think of any other way.
Tears welled up from the shame. Just as she was about to pull back the hand she had extended, thinking she wanted to hide in a mouse hole immediately-
"Chu," with a sound, she felt a familiar sensation on the back of her hand. A sensation that hurt as if it were constricting her heart, and a pleasant heat spreading from the point of contact. Titania smiled bashfully at that feeling and looked at Vivian.
However, honestly, this was not enough now. No, it was excessively insufficient, so she couldn't be satisfied with this.
The shame that had fallen as far as it could fall could not be picked up. Therefore, Titania could be more confident. No, she could be shameless. She wasn't ashamed even if she made a more stimulating request because she had already thrown away her shame.
"C, can you, can you do it here too?"
Titania tapped her own lips. At that sight, Vivian stiffened as if embarrassed, then soon smiled and looked at Titania.
'Is she acting cute because of the other young ladies earlier? Since that incident when she was ten, she hadn't even touched my hand, let alone kissed these lips.'
However, thinking she couldn't help it since the child wanted it, Vivian gently raised her head and rubbed her lips against Titania's lips. There was a very short chu sound, and then the lips fell away.
"You're acting very cute today."
At Mother's eye-smile that curved like a crescent moon, and the slightly touched lips, Titania felt like she was going to stop breathing.
And soon, the complexly tangled emotions inside her began to unravel.
'......Ah, I see.'
This wasn't simply a matter of words like romantic love or familial love.
This feeling she felt while looking at Mother wasn't simply a feeling of loving Mother as a woman, nor was it a feeling of loving her because she was a parent.
It was just...
It was just that she loved her because she was 'Vivian'.
It didn't matter if she was a mother or the same sex.
She loved her very existence.
She liked 'Vivian' who loved her.
She loved 'Vivian' who cared for her.
Titania hugged Vivian tightly.
It was just a hug like always, but for some reason, it felt different from usual. Mother's scent, Mother's heartbeat, everything about Mother that she hadn't paid attention to until now, felt vivid.
"Mother..."
"Yes?"
"Do you love me?"
At that question, Vivian let out a small sigh. Thinking she should not kiss other young ladies from now on, and that she didn't know Titania was such a jealous crybaby, Vivian answered while gently stroking Titania's hair as if soothing a whining child.
"Of course, I love you more than anything in the world. The only child I love is you."
Titania, who had buried her head in her chest, peeked her head out, made eye contact with Vivian, and smiled bashfully.
"Me too."
Sincerely.
"I only love Mother."