When Someone Who Wasn't Alone Becomes Alone, They Grow Lonely
It never ends.
Apparently my period cramps run on the severe side. Most people, depending on where they are in their cycle, get a dull ache at worst—nothing that stops them from getting up and going about their day.
…So why am I like this…?
And with less than a day left until discharge, no less.
On top of everything, I was dying for pork cutlet. I had no idea why the craving hit me while I was just lying there, but I wanted to sink my teeth into a thick, crispy cutlet so badly. My body was smaller now, which meant I could eat less and still feel just as full…! What a blessing that was.
"The one you're wearing is a large, but if it starts to leak, switch to an overnight. Once your period ends, you can go to a liner."
"…I don't know what any of that means."
Was "large" talking about the size? And overnight was bigger than large? What even was a liner?
"Umm… I'll explain later, then. Are you dizzy right now?"
"A little…."
"I'll get you some medicine first. Looks like you'll need an IV, too."
So there were different kinds of pads. Suhyeon stepped out and came back with an IV bag and medication.
"After you're discharged, if you get dizzy again when your period comes around, make sure you take iron supplements or multivitamins."
"Okay…."
She handed me a whole pile of pills—just a week's worth of iron, she said.
Vitamins, on top of everything else… Being a woman really did mean taking care of your body was non-negotiable.
"This one's for everyday use, this one's for your period, and if you feel like you've filled out a bit more, go with this!"
"Thank you."
"Don't mention it. Think of it as a kind of support. If you give me your address, we'll have a few boxes of pads sent through the assistance program."
Time passed once more, and the day of my discharge finally arrived.
I had bloodwork and a urine test first thing in the morning. The meal was supposedly regular hospital food, and aside from the seasoning being a touch off, it was more or less the same as always. I filled out a questionnaire and worked through the discharge paperwork they'd handed me.
"You're really leaving. Ugh… there goes my happiness…."
"Unni, you already have my number. You make it sound like we're never going to see each other again."
Even as she took the papers, she looked from them to me with a wounded expression.
"Ha… I should've slept next to you at least once…."
"…Thank you for everything this past month, Unni. I'll definitely stay in touch."
"Euuuung… Jihye-yaaa…."
Unni's eyes welled up as she pulled me into a hug. My own eyes stung for no good reason.
"I really will see you again… Ugh… why are you crying…."
This had to be the hormones Unni had told me about. That was it. I had no idea why I kept turning into such a crybaby.
We clung to each other and cried right up until it was time for me to leave. Holding another woman no longer stirred anything in me at all—just a quiet comfort, and the ache of saying goodbye.
"Sniff… Take care. Does this mean you're not allowed to come back here?"
"You take care too, Unni. And we'll talk, remember? If we get the chance, let's definitely meet up… and thank you for the clothes."
It was less I'll come again and more I shouldn't come again—this was a hospital, after all. Showing up here would mean something had gone wrong with my body.
"I really am grateful."
I zipped the puffer jacket Unni had given me all the way up. The crisp autumn air had turned sharp overnight; outside the hospital, frost clung to the grass and weeds, and even though it was afternoon with the sun out, there was no warmth in it. Winter was already on the doorstep.
"Same here. Really… I think this is going to be a wonderful memory."
It had been a short stretch of time, but it had meant more than I could say.
"Alright… bye."
I'd called Jihyeok ahead of time, and I was heading home in his car. The house was far enough that getting there by bus would have meant several transfers.
"Look at you two, having some tearful reunion. Anyway—you're really Jihye, right?"
"Yeah, you damn hyung."
"Ah. Checks out. Okay!! Let's goooo!!!"
"Aaack!!"
I had not wanted to ride in Jihyeok's car. Truly, sincerely not. He'd learned to drive all wrong, and from the second we pulled out he floored it.
"Stop flooring it! You're scaring me!"
"Aww. This is fun. How come your reactions got even better after you turned into a girl?"
"You're insane. Cut it out. I'm fragile now."
"Heh… heheheh. My little brother turning into a little sister… it's straight out of a novel."
This was the same hyung who hadn't even bothered to visit me, breezing right past it like it was nothing. Our family personalities were all over the place, but somehow we still shared a certain streak.
The fact that a maniac like him even had a girlfriend was something else. I sincerely hoped she kept him on a short leash so he never got loose in polite society.
"Ugh… dizzy…."
"You're getting dizzy from this?"
"Urgh. Seriously…."
I took the water he handed me, drank it, and climbed out of the car.
"Hoo… thanks, anyway."
"Sure. Take care of yourself!!"
VROOOOM!!
"Maniac."
In an alley, in the middle of winter, flooring the accelerator—only that hyung would pull something like that.
Beep-beep-beep-beep.
"Ah. Uh… what was it again."
Coming home after so long, I'd completely blanked on the door code. I paced in front of the entrance, turning it over in my head.
"Hmm… hmmm…! Ah."
Beep-beep-beep~!
After a few tries, the door lock finally chimed its cheerful little song and released. I couldn't have gotten that stupid.
"Tch…."
A month away, and nothing about the house had really changed. The robot vacuum was puttering around, cleaning the floors.
"Hey. You been okay?"
Whirr… whirr-beep!
"Glad to hear it."
I emptied the dustbin, topped off its water, and picked up a rag.
I dragged a pale finger across the sink and came away with a thin film of dust that turned the tip black.
"Time to clean!"
Nobody was listening, but I was. It was a little routine of mine—something I did for myself, a way of cheering myself on.
I threw the windows wide open first. Luckily, the air quality was good.
I dampened the rag and wiped down every high surface I could reach. The salt and sugar jars got a clean sheet of paper towel each. I knocked the cobwebs off the ceiling with a duster.
"Hah! Haaah!"
I'd been told I was 167 centimeters, but the ceiling was just barely out of reach. I had to jump to bat the cobwebs down, flailing around in a way that would have looked like I was goofing off to anyone watching—but the point was, I got them.
I'd lost nearly half my old body weight, so I felt lighter, sure—but I'd lost the muscle along with it. My body was just… my body now. Weaker, if anything.
"Nngh… heavy…."
I genuinely hadn't expected the frying pan to weigh that much. I'd thought about throwing together some fried rice, but I gave up on the spot. I couldn't even toss a wok like this.
"Haa…."
I let out a small sigh and opened the fridge.
"Oh. Well, that changes things."
Father had stocked a few things—enoki mushrooms, zucchini, tofu, a bit of meat, all sitting there at a glance.
Ah. That settled it.
For the first time in a long, long while, I was going to cook. The thought that I might actually be useful put a smile on my face all by itself.
I put on an apron that didn't quite smell like me and tightened the ties. Starting from the back, wrapping once around the front, and tying it again in the back cinched perfectly—my waist had gotten that thin. Not that I was going to wear it that way; there was just too much extra strap, and I'd only tried it out of curiosity.
I filled a pot with water and set it to boil. While it heated, all I had to do was prep the ingredients. I didn't forget the stock packet, either.
Back in the day I'd throw in a few dried anchovies and a piece of kelp, but the products these days had come a long way—they packed everything into a single pouch. Drop it in, let it steep, pull it out. Done.
In the meantime I pulled out a cutting board, took out a knife, and ran it over the honing rod.
"Mm. Perfect."
I set the freshly sharpened knife aside for a moment, took out the zucchini, grabbed an onion from the handful tucked in the corner under the sink, and pulled out a couple of potatoes.
Now it was just a matter of chopping everything. Texture mattered, so I cut them into rough, chunky cubes—like making kkakdugi. The tofu, the most important part, I sliced carefully, and I prepped a little green onion and chili as well.
"Nice!"
I was enjoying myself for no real reason. This was why people cooked.
This amount would last Father more than a week on his own. Knowing him, though, he'd just keep adding things, pouring in more water, re-seasoning it, and eating it again—so it would stretch even further. By then it would be some kind of hybrid stew, and somehow, absurdly, it would still taste good.
"Mm…."
I fished out the stock packet from the boiling water and dissolved in the doenjang. I stopped at a point where I could still finish the seasoning with salt, then added chili powder and minced garlic.
Garlic only ever made things better the more you put in.
Then I dumped in every last bit of the chopped vegetables. I waited, let it come back to a boil, and when the steam started rising I added the tofu and green onion last.
If you put the tofu in too early, it gets full of holes and turns to mush. Add it about five minutes before it's done and the seasoning soaks in just right—that's how you get perfect tofu.
"Slurp… mm."
I finished the seasoning with salt. It tasted a little on the salty side, but that might just have been the hospital food talking after weeks of bland meals.
And now… time to head to Hyung's place.
I finished cooking the rice last of all and hurried toward Hyung's place like I was on a deadline.
Without me around, his apartment had to be a complete disaster, right?
If I ironed a few of his suits and left some meals ready, maybe he'd even start thinking about remarrying. He needed to understand how hard it was on his own.
"Ah. The code."
I'd forgotten this one, too.
"Hmm… hmm…!"
I turned it over in my head, and it opened on the first try. 0806. Hyung's birthday.
The place was bigger than ours, but only one or two people actually lived in it. Hyung wasn't the type to throw money around on luxuries, so of course it was mostly empty.
"Ugh… the dust."
But the dust was just as bad here. Why did everyone insist on resting on the weekends? Sure, a day off was a day off, but if they'd just get up for a minute and air the place out, it wouldn't get this bad.
"Come on… you're completely busted."
There wasn't a single trace of actual cooking in the sink. Same as always—he'd just grabbed two big triangle kimbap from the convenience store and a bottle of water, and called it a meal.
No choice, then. This called for a deep clean.
I threw open the windows in every room and pulled out the cleaning supplies. I briefly considered buying him a little robot vacuum of his own, but what was the point when I was around?
If Hyung didn't want people worrying about him, he should have actually taken care of himself. All talk and no follow-through—what was that supposed to be? Making a fool of people?
"When he gets home… I'm really going to give him an earful."
The rooms were already turning spotless in no time at all.