These Conflicting Emotions of Happiness and Unhappiness
"Haa…."
The air was different.
Maybe, without even realizing it, I had decided the inside felt stifling.
I passed through the garden built atop the building, where the sky opened wide overhead and the trees were growing bare. It was cold enough up there that I had wrapped myself in blankets from head to toe.
"C-could you bring me a little closer…."
I had meant to keep my distance from people, but at this rate nothing was going to change. So instead of just calling out from afar, I tried lingering at a range where I might catch their eye, pretending to look at something else while I watched how they reacted.
It was a pretty stupid thing to do, but for me it was the best I could manage.
"Unnie. Why are you sitting in a wheelchair?"
"Eh. Uh…because my legs hurt?"
I was half-glancing aside, reaching out to touch a leaf, when the sound of little feet went patter-patter somewhere nearby—and in the blink of an eye a girl was standing right in front of me. Still, I had the wheelchair because my legs were bad. Why ask something that obvious?
"Then… theeen…."
"Sujin! Hey! What are you doing! We're playing hide-and-seek!"
While the little one hemmed and hawed, thinking something over, another girl appeared.
"But… unnie is…."
"?"
What about me? Why did that sound like she was blaming me?
"…She is really pretty, though."
"…?"
However they had managed to reach that conclusion, both of them were staring at me blankly now.
"Unnie, how did you get so pretty?"
"Uh… uh?"
The bolder-looking of the two seemed to have pinned some kind of hope on me. She was full of confidence and had a cute face besides—it shouldn't have mattered either way. And I didn't even know the method.
"Mm…."
Still, I probably ought to tell her something. I had no idea what she thought of me, but from the sparkle in her eyes I could tell she wanted to be pretty like me.
"Vegetables. Eat lots of vegetables, and just… don't leave too much of the food they give you at kindergarten or school… and if your mom gives you something that's good for you, eat it properly… The end?"
I borrowed the lines mothers always used.
…My own mother hadn't exactly been the usual kind. Dad had been the one who cooked more often.
"Uugh… Mom says that every single time, though…."
"Our mom isn't pretty like you, unnie. Is it because she doesn't eat enough vegetables?"
"Uh……"
If I said no, she wouldn't eat them. If I said yes, that felt wrong too….
I was trapped between a rock and a hard place.
"The nurse unnie here will explain it properly. R-right, unnie!?"
This was definitely a job for the nurse. I gave the hand holding my wheelchair a little nudge, and she reacted on pure reflex.
"…Yes? Ah! That's right, kids. If you eat your vegetables well, you'll be healthy and your face will get prettier too."
I had dumped it on her without thinking, but did she have to look that startled?
"Mm… but Mom…."
"Forget it. Let's go. Mom's calling. Thank you!"
The children bobbed their heads in a bow and ran off again. Whatever else you could say, they were cute.
"Ugh… ah, whatever…."
Right—I needed to get up soon myself.
"Suhyun. Could you help me up…."
Getting out of a wheelchair was a little tricky. It sat lower than a bed, so I had to lift myself with my arms, swing my legs out, and push up—and I wasn't sure I could manage it.
"Suhyun…?"
"…Unnie."
"?"
Suhyun had short-circuited again. At this point I had to wonder if there was something wrong with me.
"You just called me unnie… just now."
"Uh… that… did I?"
It might have slipped out by accident. I had been about to say noona, then Suhyun, and then I had to call her nurse unnie in front of the kids, so maybe that was it.
"Just once."
"Pardon?"
"Say it just one more time."
I was pretty sure I had told her I would do it when I was discharged. This was just being pushy.
"No way~"
"Ugh… I didn't even hear it properly… and I didn't get it on recording…!"
She looked genuinely devastated, gripping her phone so hard it made a sharp crack. From where I sat, it was downright scary.
"Uh… unnie. Could you help me stand up?"
"Ah. Ah, ahhh…!!"
She had probably been trying to snap a picture of me spreading my arms, and even while she reached to catch me she kept mashing the power button—but whatever that earlier crack had been, it was a sound a phone should never make. The thing wouldn't turn on.
"Ah… ah…."
"H-here, just use mine. You hold it like this, right?"
"Uugh… thank you."
I only had about a week left until discharge. What was I going to do with this woman?
"Uwah… there."
Once I had the cane in hand as well, I felt like I could hold out a little longer.
"Yes, yes! You're so cute!"
Suhyun looked thoroughly happy. The people around us seemed to be giving us a wide berth, but… maybe this was what five hundred percent job satisfaction looked like.
"Ah."
This, too, must have counted as aggro on top of aggro, because I could feel people's eyes locking onto me hard. Well—looking at it from the outside, I was the crazy woman asking a nurse to take her picture… that was probably how it looked….
"Now call me unnie just once!"
Uh… or maybe it was the other way around.
"Ahem… unnie. We should get going."
"Hm? Why… ah. Mm. Yes."
Suhyun glanced back, took in the situation, switched off the phone, and came to pull the wheelchair. Maybe my capacity for embarrassment had already maxed out and burned through—because even in a moment like this, I was smiling.
I'm the crazy woman of this hospital!—that kind of feeling?
"P-please send me the photo…."
"Got it~"
I couldn't help a little snort of laughter as I took my phone back from her trembling hands. Of course I laughed—it felt like I had somehow acquired a fan.
Like wanting an autograph from your bias so badly your whole body shakes, because you can barely stand to look at them up close.
"Oh… it's pretty."
However she had managed it with those shaking hands, the shot was perfectly steady, not a blur in sight.
I had only meant to touch a tree branch and feel the grass once—and yet the woman in the photo looked almost unearthly.
Maybe I had tweaked the settings well. Since she didn't feel like me, I could say all kinds of strange things about her.
She just looked like a fairy.
"Uugh… Jiu, please don't get discharged. I'll take full responsibility…."
"Come on. No way. I have things to do outside too."
First… I would go find Dad. Tidy the room a little, do the dishes if there were any, and leave a stew simmering. The floors would be fine. Since I had been living at my brother's place, I had sent home one of those expensive robot vacuums.
"Mm… then could I at least have your number?"
"Eh?"
But I was still more worried about my brother. It wasn't only that I wasn't there—unlike Dad, who could fall back on long-ingrained habits, my brother looked like he was hanging by a thread.
"I… I'd like to ask you about the things I don't know as a woman…."
"…Of course! Call me anytime!"
I held out my phone to ask for the number, but Suhyun simply took it and typed it in herself at lightning speed.
"……"
Something that looked like a spam text from a cheap mobile game ad had just appeared in my contacts. How much did this person like me?
"Looking forward to it! You have to call!"
"Yeees… thank you, unnie."
Looking over the moon, she kept pressing and fiddling with her own phone, trying to fix it. It seemed like she wanted to check on me from her phone that very second.
—Crack.
"Ack!?"
Not that it was ever going to turn back on.
"Uugh… what is this."
Something in my stomach was churning. Upper or lower? This was the lower one.
If it was the upper stomach, something was usually actually wrong. If it was the lower, it was a signal….
So why did my back hurt?
There had been warning signs, honestly. Something sticky had been seeping out down below, and my underwear had kept getting wet.
Suhyun had even said, …Your period?
I hurried to the bathroom. Now that I could walk, being able to go alone felt better than I could say. Past the endless stretch of embarrassment, it had just been straight-up mortifying.
No matter how pretty you were, even a princess peed and pooped. That was my conclusion. And it smelled, too.
"Urgh…."
What was this oppressive feeling? The ache had started reaching into my thighs now.
I fumbled through my pockets for my phone to call Suhyun in a panic, but the pain must have driven the thought clean out of my head.
"Unnieee…!!"
It hurt so much I thought I would die. Even after that churning thing emptied out from below, there was no relief—if anything the sensation turned stranger, and the pain spread through my whole body.
"Uugh…."
My legs were shaking. My head was spinning. If I tried to stand like this I would kiss the floor on the spot.
Caught in the feeling of my organs twisting, I kept calling for Suhyun.
"Nnh… uurgh… unnie…!!!"
If you called her unnie, Suhyun would come running even from a break. I was sorry, but still—I felt like I was dying.
"You called!?"
"In here…! The bathroom…."
I heard movement, then that familiar voice.
"My stomach hurts…."
"How does it hurt. You have to describe properly how the pain feels."
"My lower stomach hurts… and my back too, and my thighs along with it."
"…Ah. Did you check down below, by any chance?"
At Suhyun's words, I looked down.
"Uh… uh… what is this."
A metallic smell hit me all at once.
The sight in front of me was… grim.
Why… why was there blood.
"Mm… remember what I explained for a bit yesterday?"
*
"…Ah."
That time of the month for women.
I didn't know. I really didn't. Even thinking about it again was a little horrifying. How did anyone endure this once a month—and for several days at a stretch?
"Mm… anyway, I'll take a look and maybe change the size, so just lie down for now."
"Okaaay…."
A pad did not feel the way I had imagined.
Mm… if I had to put it into words, it was like sticking a wet tissue in your underwear and putting them on.
"By the way—unnie. I'm so happy I could float away. I love it so much."
"Uugh…."
It was force majeure. What was I supposed to do when it worked so well?
One shot of Unnie! and she was already in front of me. I had meant to save it for when I really needed it—and a situation where I really needed it had unfolded.
"Okay… hold onto this. It should make you feel a little better."
"Thank you…."
I took the hot pack filled with warm water and hugged it like a stuffed animal.
The shivery feeling eased a little.
"Haa… ah. Ah."
"Hey. You can't sneeze!?"
"Eh… ehk… ehk…."
I had been about to sneeze freely, but her urgent tone made me hold it. My nose itched. It itched terribly.
"You'll really regret it if you do!?"
"Eeh… hueeh…."
Itchy….
"Achoo!!"
"Ah. We're screwed."
Human greed knows no bounds, and people repeat the same mistakes.
"Urgh…."
When someone tells you not to do something, the wisest choice is not to do it.
Every bit of strength went into the sneeze; power rushed back into my drained lower body and hit me all at once. Blood surged as if in reverse, and the entrance was open.
"Augh… crazy…."
It churned and spilled. My backside went warm, then cold again almost at once.
Accepting that I was a woman suddenly felt a little frightening.