All My Traces Become the Wind
"Oh… oh…!!"
It took a full week and three more days before I finally managed to stand properly. Even with every ounce of strength locked into my legs, they still quivered like they were dancing — but standing at all was victory enough.
This was the reward for every day spent soaked in sweat. So this was what people meant when they said hard work never betrays you.
—Thud!
"Eek."
Drunk on pride and satisfaction, I felt the strength drain from my legs all at once, and I crumpled straight back down.
"Jiwu—oh my goodness. What are you doing!"
"Ahaha… just practicing walking…."
Suhyeon happened to walk in at that exact moment. She startled, rushed over, and hauled me back up.
"There we go… You could at least wait until I'm around."
"Sorry. I really thought I could manage on my own. I held out for about ten seconds, though!"
"That's your hard work paying off. Normally I'd scold you, but… up we go…."
Suhyeon lifted me as if I weighed nothing, settled me onto the bed, and pulled a small envelope from her pocket.
"Here. Open it."
What is this? I glanced at her sideways and carefully tore the envelope open.
"Ah."
My new resident registration card had come through. She'd already warned me they were making one — they'd taken my photo, collected my consent forms, and even reprinted my fingerprints.
"Well?"
"…I don't know. Hmm… I don't feel much of anything, honestly."
The truth was, it scared me a little. Because the person named Lee Jiwu truly couldn't be found anywhere anymore.
A name change, in other words. My face on the photo had been swapped for the one I wore now, and even my legal gender had been corrected.
The records would still be there, of course.
"Ugh… not a three. It's a four."
And just like that, even the last digit on the back had changed.
"…Four?"
"The name, too… yes. It's properly changed."
"Four…."
"…?"
Why had this woman short-circuited?
"Ah. Never mind. You said you didn't know the hanja, so I picked them myself."
"Right, right. So… what do they mean?"
Lee Jiwu. Lee Jihye.
Change a single character and suddenly it was a woman's name. I had become a woman — so maybe I needed to get used to a woman's name.
At least the people who already knew me would keep calling me Jiwu. But to everyone else, I would have to introduce myself as Jihye.
I dabbed away the little pool of sweat that had gathered between my bra and my chest with a towel. After exercise everything felt sticky, and wiping the sweat off had already become routine.
"Mmm… actually, I changed the hanja for Ji as well. So the meaning would come through cleanly."
"Uh-huh."
So what is it, then? How did you change it — into what, with what meaning?
Truthfully, I had never cared much about hanja. Even when you show someone your name, almost no one studies the characters that carefully. I certainly never did.
"Well… Ji means wisdom, and Hye means to love. Pretty, right?"
"…Not bad."
My original name had meant earth for Ji and friend for Wu. A steadfast companion. Best-friend energy, basically.
"A literal reading would be 'loves wisdom' — something a little Pythagorean — and in its own way that still sounds like you, Jiwu. But I thought of it a little differently."
Suhyeon was one of the few people I could actually trust. After my brother-in-law's last visit she'd blurted out something ridiculous like, Wait — is he your boyfriend!?, but even when she was exhausted she always tried not to lose her smile whenever I was around.
She loved romance stories and had no boyfriend of her own… just an ordinary person. That was why I'd asked her to choose the name. I liked it. At the very least, she wasn't the kind of person who would name me out of spite. And in practice, she hadn't.
"It's the name Jihye, right? And the Ji already holds the meaning of wisdom inside it. So 'loves wisdom' can be twisted into this strange reading where it means loving yourself. And so… uh…."
Suhyeon spoke with the confidence of someone who thought she'd struck gold. It was very her.
Love wisdom. Love yourself…
"You don't like it…?"
"…Thank you."
I offered her my gratitude. I could feel the care she'd put into it. It meant a lot. How hard she had thought it through came through so clearly it almost hurt.
"Ah."
Was I crying because I was truly that grateful — or had I simply become the kind of crybaby who welled up over the smallest kindness? It wasn't darkness swarming in like insects. The water pooling in my eyes bent the light until everything went soft and glittering.
"Thank you…."
I had only meant to say thank you. Somehow the tears wouldn't stop.
I tried a strange reading of my own.
Loves wisdom. Jihye. Loves herself. Loves herself.
That last one meant the self of self-confidence. Don't shrink away — love the version of yourself that stands tall and acts without shame. You could read it that way, too.
Someone might argue that no one would ever think of it like that, but this was pure self-satisfaction.
I'd started from the premise that it was a strange interpretation, after all.
Wasn't it all right to love myself a little more? Man or woman didn't matter. I was me. Thinking of it that way made everything easier.
"Hnn… thank you…."
Maybe my chest was simply too full. The tears showed no sign of stopping, but my heart felt as cool and easy as a grassy hill swaying lightly in the wind under a blue sky.
*
"Snff… haah…."
Embarrassing. Really. Idiot. Moron.
"Feeling a little better?"
"Yeees…."
My voice was still thick and nasal. My eyes stung faintly, too.
At some point I had ended up cradled in Suhyeon's arms. Warm and comfortable — which was probably why I'd cried even harder.
…Mortifying. Unbearably mortifying. But maybe that was all right.
"…I'm okay now."
I was a woman now, after all. If I bawled my eyes out, no one was going to mock me for being a sniveling mess.
Whether the tears had worked like coolant or not, the moment they stopped I felt my entire face start to burn.
"Cute…."
"Pardon…?"
At this rate I was going to turn into a radish and go pop. Why was I cute? Who just says that out of nowhere….
Suhyeon seized my hand.
"…I have just one favor. Could you… just once… call me Unnie?"
"…Uweh?"
Being a woman didn't mean I was ready to wholeheartedly accept being a woman.
Maybe it was stubbornness, or some selfish insistence on taking only the parts that suited me — but still. Unnie…!
"…No."
"It's my lifelong wish… I've never once asked a patient for something like this, not even once…."
Even after I refused, Suhyeon kept sighing out little regrets, fishing for sympathy.
"Such a shame… such a shame… I'd love to hear it just once before I die…."
"Ugh… fine. Just once. Later… after I've prepared myself emotionally… then I'll do it."
"Wait. Really? You mean it!?"
"…When have I ever lied to you."
Watching her bounce around over something so small, I couldn't help a dry little laugh.
"Then… when!?"
I don't know. You figure it out. I deliberately stayed quiet, and Suhyeon — clearly dying of impatience — hugged me again and pressed.
"Eh. Eut…!"
"Come ooon! Just tell me already~!"
Chest. Chest! They're touching! I may look like this, but I was a man!
"Ugh! Fine, I'll say it. When I get discharged! One last time, right before I leave."
"Then… make it bright and cute. Adorable, even."
"…Should I just not do it?"
I was the one doing the favor she'd asked for, and now she was placing custom orders. Who exactly was in charge here?
Only then did Suhyeon back off and turn polite again.
"Ahem ahem… shall I massage your legs?"
"I can massage them myself."
"You stood up all on your own without any equipment. Let me do this as a reward."
Her ulterior motive was transparent, but I decided to accept it anyway.
Did she really want to hear Unnie that badly? Then maybe I should try calling my brother… O… Oppa…?
"Eugh."
"Did that hurt?"
"Ah. No. It feels good, actually."
I could barely even say it out loud. Some wordless sensation rose up from below as if my body itself were rejecting the idea. Goosebumps were already standing on my arms.
"I'll be looking forward to it!"
"Ugh. Don't look forward to it."
Unnie… Unnie? Unnie might be manageable. Even that still felt a little alien, though.
Once I could walk, I decided for the first time to step out into the world beyond my room.
It sounded grander than it was. In reality I was only going for a stroll through the garden inside the hospital grounds. Even so, I couldn't help being nervous.
"Ready?"
"Y-yes…."
I was the one who had volunteered for the challenge, and yet now I was afraid to go out. Last time we'd used the physical therapy room only after clearing everyone else out, and it had been the same when I practiced walking.
I was still terrified of showing my face to other people.
It was only a face. Really, just a face for people to see.
"Oh…."
Suhyeon gave me a gentle hug.
"If you're scared, we can do it another day. It's all right."
"……"
I could only stay on my feet for about ten minutes, so I was sitting in a wheelchair. If all I'd wanted was to look at some trees and grass, I would have wrapped my face in bandages or something and been done with it.
But this was a grand adventure. For the sake of my everyday life — to get used to people's eyes first.
"Let's go. I'm ready."
"…All right. Tell me the moment anything feels uncomfortable."
And if my brother ever saw me like this, he'd find some excuse to drag me out of here. That absolutely could not happen.
*
The elevator doors opened onto a floor full of people.
Ordinarily I would have assumed everyone had somewhere to be, paid no attention to anyone's gaze, and gone on my own way just the same.
"……"
So why, today of all days, did it feel like every pair of eyes was landing on me and staying there?
"L-let's go."
"Sure~"
Whether she understood how I felt or not, Suhyeon smiled and pushed me forward.
"Um… is it just me, or does it feel like everyone is only looking at me…? That's paranoia, right?"
"Paranoia? If it were, you'd already be in treatment. They're staring because you're ridiculously pretty, Jiwu— Jihye."
Pretty…?
I… would concede the point. Someone might call me a narcissist for it, but I couldn't exactly argue.
What was I supposed to do about being pretty?
"Ugh… do you think I'll ever get used to this…?"
"Someone might ask for your number. Or try to sound you out real casually~"
"Eugh… I hate that so much."
I was not gay. I used to be a man, and now men were going to hit on me….
"Well, you've got that brother-in-law of yours, don't you?"
"Hyung… what about Hyung?"
"You two look like the kind of perfect couple people would call a matched set. If anyone tries to get your number while you're out walking, just flash his photo and say you've got a boyfriend~"
Hmm… hmm….
It might work — except I didn't have a single photo of my brother. And it would cause him no end of trouble, too.
He was divorced and would say he had no partner. If I pretended we were dating… that simply wasn't allowed.
It wasn't as if I was actually going to become his girlfriend and marry him.