Everything Has Changed, But I'm Trying to Go Back
"Father…."
"…Jiu?"
"…Yes."
Father had never been a man of many words.
One minute passed, then two… and still he simply stood there in silence. I considered saying something myself, but my mouth kept wanting to move on its own, as if some crucial line were about to slip out, so I stayed quiet.
"…I'm going."
"…What?"
"I've seen your face. That's enough. You're Jiu, all right."
"Uh…."
Apparently not. Still, he couldn't just say a few words and leave, could he?
"…Have you eaten?"
"Yes."
"Good… then that's enough."
And with that, Father turned and left.
Asking whether someone has eaten really is the golden rule of being Korean, I suppose.
"……?"
No. What? Was that really how it ended? That anticlimactic?
"Tch… what was that about."
Even so, I was grateful he believed me. Better this than some overwrought drama line like, There's no way my son could have changed like this!
Still… Father truly had no gift for conversation. Was he only like this at home, with family? Or was he actually the life of the office and simply ran out of things to say once he walked through the front door?
"Time for your meal!"
"Finally…."
"It's porridge!"
"Whoa!! Whoa…."
The rice gruel's movements were suspicious…!
At last… it had evolved into porridge…!!
Now the food actually had texture. I couldn't begin to explain how wonderful it felt to have grains of rice tumbling around in my mouth.
The problem was that texture was all it had.
"What's this? Where did the person who was singing hymns over three days of thin gruel go?"
"Sweet and sour pork… jjamppong…."
But even with texture, what kind of flavor was this supposed to be?
Right. Flavorless.
They could at least throw in some chili powder or chives, couldn't they?
There was nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not even kimchi…!
"Then you'd better work hard at your treatment!"
"Ah…."
I still couldn't get out of bed. Even when I did leave the room, I needed Suhyeon's help just to sit in a wheelchair and go outside.
I suddenly thought of that anime heroine who played the violin. It had been terribly sad to watch—but now that I was living it myself, I felt more bewildered than anything, and quietly desolate.
I didn't understand. Why I couldn't move… no, why I couldn't walk.
After finishing the porridge, I was taken to a room labeled Physical Therapy. I lay back on a bed again while they stuck wires from some machine I'd never seen before all over my legs.
A faint stimulation—or almost no sensation at all.
"Uh…."
"It is working. Everyone just thinks it isn't because they can't feel anything."
"Oh…."
Watching my reaction, Suhyeon explained as if this were how everyone responded.
Physical therapy. I'd imagined myself gripping parallel bars and grunting through one painful step after another. Instead, they shone something like a laser on my legs, stuck pads on me that delivered a twitchy little jolt rather than a real tingle, and generally performed all sorts of suspicious procedures on my lower half.
With strange machines plastered all over my legs, the whole setup had a faint sci-fi movie atmosphere—except that, unlike in the movies, I did not instantly leap to my feet cured.
"Tch… so when will I be able to walk?"
This so-called physical therapy was… something, all right. My legs moved smoothly enough that I could definitely feel progress. But I still couldn't walk.
And walking was supposed to be the whole point of physical therapy.
"This is more about loosening up legs that have gone stiff. It's not about building muscle so you can stroll around."
"Ah."
So that was it.
…Hm? Wait a second.
"Then when do I walk?"
Suhyeon held up three fingers and folded them one by one.
"First… treatment. Next, time. And then until you can eat proper meals. You need at least that much before we can do anything."
"Ah."
My heart was racing like a rabbit, and this body was crawling along like a turtle.
"Don't worry. We've got plenty of time."
I wasn't worried about not walking. I wanted to eat rice.
"I'm hungry."
"It's porridge all day today. Hmm… depending on how you look tomorrow and the day after, if things go well, the day after that. You'll really be able to eat rice."
"For real!?"
Now that changed everything.
If I just held out for two more days, it would be rice!
"Have I ever lied to you?"
"No…?"
"Why the question mark!"
When this noona was serious, she was cooler than anyone—but the moment she started talking and moving around, she turned into the neighborhood big sister who loved to tease people.
Honestly, she was fun. And every so often, she had a reliable side too.
"Hehe. You're right."
"You're a strange one… Ah. Should I bring your meal?"
"Yeees~"
Suhyeon took me back to my room and went to fetch the food. Looking after me almost exclusively like this was a kindness from the doctor.
"Na-na-na nara-na~ nanan…! ……Ah."
Lying around like this, I suddenly felt a little bleak about the future—once I was discharged, I probably wouldn't do a single productive thing.
Was I about to become a total bum?
"Food's here~"
"Oh. Thank you."
After setting everything up, Suhyeon stepped back a little and just looked at me. Normally she would glance around for something to tidy or strike up a conversation, but now she simply watched me, as if there were something she wanted to ask.
I didn't pick up my spoon either, waiting for her to speak.
"By any chance… do you know someone named Kim Suhan?"
"Yeah. He's my brother-in-law."
"Mm… he's here now."
"Eh."
My hungry stomach went quiet.
I would have liked a little more time to prepare myself, though.
"Uh… how have you been?"
"Jiu… is that you?"
"Yeah…."
My brother-in-law had come to visit.
By now, even the shock was starting to feel familiar.
I was startled looking at myself—why wouldn't anyone else be? If anything, they'd be more shocked than I was.
"I'm sorry. I meant to come sooner, but work's been crazy lately…."
"It's fine. Why are you apologizing to me?"
His hair was a mess, his dress shirt was wrinkled, and there were stains on his suit that he hadn't quite managed to scrub out. The part about being busy was clearly true—but there was a more important problem.
"Hyung. You ate a proper breakfast, right?"
"……Yeah."
No. The way he hesitated already told me everything I needed to know.
"There was cereal. You ate that, right?"
"Yeah… I ate it."
That was a lie too.
Three months wasn't long, but it was long enough to know.
Whether he was just bad at hiding his expressions, or I was simply good at reading him.
"It's three weeks now? Two more until I'm discharged, so the second I'm out I'll come over and cook for you."
"…It's fine."
"…What do you mean, it's fine!"
I couldn't let things go back to the way they used to be.
"Right now… I don't think I can live with you, Jiu."
"Is it because… because I'm like this right now?"
"……"
Hyung looked away from my face.
Really—because I was a woman. His whole manner said so.
"I don't want that. Why? I'm a man. I'm a man, I tell you."
"That's… that's not the problem."
"I won't take any money. At the very least, until you remarry, I'm going to keep coming over."
This stubborn attachment of mine was my own form of atonement.
When we first met and grew close, I should have at least given him a warning.
That he ought to rethink the marriage. That my sister was never going to be a proper wife. I should have said that.
But I looked the other way. And hyung rode his unhappiness all the way to the end of the line.
"…This was my fault. I just didn't know how to judge people. And it wasn't anything you did wrong, Jiu."
"I'll refuse that refusal. One way or another, I'm going to get you remarried."
I was only trying to take on a small share of the responsibility.
"But…."
"I absolutely will not accept any objections. And having me around won't cost you anything. Every morning I'll get up and make you breakfast, and I'll iron your suits every day. I'll keep the rooms spotless, too."
Hyung kept turning it over in his head, arms folded, one hand propping up his chin.
"…How am I supposed to stop you… All right. I'm counting on you. Thank you."
"Don't mention it."
If it was for hyung's happiness, what was a little sacrifice from this body worth?
And besides—I was only atoning.
"Finally… actual rice."
"It's a low-sodium diet, though."
"After I eat this, I'm going straight into real walking practice."
"Oh."
Was that the part coming up now? Gripping the bars and grunting my way forward.
I'd wanted to try it. That rehab scene that showed up in every drama—wasn't this it?
"Mmm… if you're looking forward to it, you're going to regret it…."
"…?"
Something chilling flickered through me at Suhyeon's muttered words, but I brushed it aside at once.
The seasoning was a little bland, but the sheer presence of rice made up for most of it. I pretended not to notice and cleaned the bowl completely.
There was still no kimchi, of course—but the pickled radish was fine, and so were the seasoned greens.
After the meal, we went into the room immediately to the right of the one I'd visited before.
"Oh…."
"This is where we actually build the muscle so you can walk around on your own, Jiu."
The room was clean and spacious, with soft sunlight filtering in that made it feel gently warm.
There were plenty of strange-looking machines here too. Some of them looked ordinary enough, but Suhyeon wheeled me straight past them.
"Hmm… not this one either… this should be good."
Where we stopped was even more fascinating. Just wandering a hospital was entertaining on its own. Every single machine had been built for the purpose of healing people, after all.
Suhyeon fitted me into a harness connected by cables to a rail on the ceiling.
"Mmm. Okay… I've adjusted it. Want to try walking?"
My body felt buoyant, almost floating. With this, maybe I really could walk.
"…?"
That thought turned out to be wildly optimistic.
The look Suhyeon had given me earlier flashed through my mind. Discomfort—no, a kind of pity, the knowledge that I was about to regret what I'd said.
She hadn't been put off by me. She'd been worried.
She'd known perfectly well that I would regret it.
When something you've only ever seen in dramas becomes reality, the romance dies. The fantasy evaporates.
"Urgh…!!"
I understood the protagonist's feelings all too well—down to the marrow of my bones. It was hard. Everything was compressed into that one word. Nothing more, nothing less.
"Nngh…!"
I hadn't managed more than a few steps before I was leaning harder on every piece of support equipment and flailing my legs. It wasn't quite like the dramas, but even this was enough to soak me in sweat. Walking while holding onto bars? That whole premise started from the assumption that your arms could hold you up.
How was I supposed to lift myself with these arms where every bone showed through the skin?
The fantasy I'd clung to so tightly shattered in an instant and scattered to pieces.
"Want to rest a bit?"
"Y-yeheh… hah… please…."
Walking as a matter of course. Moving around without a single piece of assistive equipment, without leaning on so much as a cane.
Only now did I understand what an enormous blessing and stroke of luck that had been.