Embarrassment Is Mine Alone
"That'll be four thousand won."
"Sure. Here you go~"
Today made six days straight.
I was certain I hadn't seen him when I first started working here, and yet here I was, looking at this man for the sixth day in a row.
"Have a good one."
"Thanks~"
The man smiled and stepped out through the door.
What a genuinely good person.
Even when I tossed out the usual empty, habitual phrases of a part-timer, he took them with that easy, sunny smile. I was sure he was like this with everyone, everywhere he went.
If a man like that really were my brother-in-law… well, I'd be the lucky one. But wouldn't it be hard on him? Being my sister's husband.
That would be hell.
— Ding-a-ling.
"Welcome."
If it was fate, we were bound to meet eventually. Especially in Korea — running into someone was almost too easy.
"Oh."
"Oh. Wait — from the convenience store…?"
And so we met. What had been coincidence had well and truly become fate.
This guy had brought something again, too. This time it was a box wrapped in elegant cloth. When I peeled the fabric back a little, I found expensive rice cakes from a famous brand.
I should have told him ahead of time. Told him to come on a Sunday instead. Why did he only ever show up when I was home alone? It was so awkward.
The man whose face practically advertised I am a kind and decent person gave me an awkward smile.
"I should at least have shown my face properly back then."
"Right? It's kind of funny."
"Ahem. You must be cold. Come on in."
Turning him away at the door last time had felt wrong enough. This time, I decided to just accept it.
"Um… want something to drink? Coffee, maybe?"
"I'd love some."
Not that I had much to offer. But hunting something down even when there was nothing — that was my job as the one in charge of the kitchen, wasn't it?
"Ugh… tea."
I pulled the coffee grinder down from the tea cupboard for the first time in ages. It was one of those manual ones I'd bought back when I was drowning in romance about the whole process.
I'd bought a bag of beans from a nearby café and made coffee for a while, but… I'd gotten lazy. Extremely lazy.
No — the aroma was nice enough, sure. But the taste was all more or less the same. It wasn't as if I had some deep appreciation for coffee, the kind where I'd go, Ahh, what a profound depth of flavor unfolding upon my palate…! like some sommelier. I'd just left the thing out because it felt romantic. Then the dust piled up, and I quit.
"You make your own coffee?"
"Ahaha, well… yeah."
This was exactly the kind of moment it existed for. Granted, I'd had it buried in a drawer, but still.
…I had cleaned it properly, though. And I'd kept it bagged so the dust wouldn't settle.
"Oh…"
I poured the beans in and turned the handle. With a grrk, grrk-grrk, the beans began to grind down. Yeah — this was why I'd bought a manual one. Electric was convenient, sure, but electric tools were better saved for when you really needed them. A whisk. A blender. Things like that.
Once the beans were ground, I set a cup — a server, as it was called — underneath and placed a dripper on top of it.
Filter paper into the dripper, ground coffee into the filter. That was all.
Then came the hot water. Not too slow, not too fast. You had to aim for that middle ground between bitter and bland.
Just right. After countless failures, I'd learned it not with my head but with my body, so I focused on the feel of it and poured it straight through.
"Here's your coffee. Sorry it took a while."
"Oh… such a deep, rich flavor…"
…So there he was. An actual person who could feel that "deep, rich flavor." My brother-in-law savored the coffee with every sense he could bring to bear, drinking it as if he meant to experience it completely.
"Haa… Wow. This is great. How do you make this!? It's seriously delicious."
"Heh. Well, you see…"
The original purpose of the visit — a family introduction without Father or my sister — had long since been forgotten. Father hadn't come. My sister wasn't here. I didn't even really know why this man had shown up.
But we talked until we lost all track of time, conversation blooming between us. I'd forgotten, and so had he. When I got carried away talking, he simply met my eyes, offered admiration, reacted in all the right places — and I did the same for him.
We volleyed the conversation back and forth like a tennis match, and only when the evening sunset arrived did it finally come to an end.
"Huh. It's already that late."
"Whoa. Is it?"
My brother-in-law straightened his clothes and pulled on his coat. I shrugged into a thick padded jacket and stepped outside with him.
"Should I… call you Brother-in-law?"
"Kim Suhan. Just call me Suhan hyung~"
"Okay. Suhan hyung."
"That's it. Jieun-ah. Ahh… this is what I wanted."
As if genuinely moved, he gave his own head a light smack with his hand.
"Ahem… ahem. I had a great time today. Let's meet again sometime."
"I had fun too. Oh! And we'll see each other at the convenience store, won't we?"
"…Ah. Ah, right. Yeah. At the convenience store… yeah…"
A bitter look crossed his face for a moment before he forced a smile back on and said goodbye. It was as if he'd tasted something sharp and was straining not to lose the smile.
A relationship I'd thought had grown warm turned awkward in an instant, and just like that, my meeting with Suhan hyung was over.
Had I said something strange?
"Wait… are you serious?"
"Of course!"
Hygiene and cleanliness. The things a hospital valued above all else. Fine. That was good. I understood.
"Couldn't we… at least put it off until I can walk around on my own… maybe…?"
"Ab. So. Lutely not. You have to wipe your body down at least once a week."
Suhyeon answered with complete seriousness, though she never let go of her smile. Having someone else wash every inch of you — wouldn't that be mortifying enough to die of?
"…Okay."
But my body did feel a little grimy, so I couldn't exactly refuse. I had no choice but to go along with it.
Nurses did this kind of thing too? Truly, my deepest respects to the nurses of Korea.
…A week.
"Then… does that mean you've already…?"
When I'd first heard that a whole month had passed, it hadn't really sunk in. My suddenly long hair hadn't gotten greasy or matted, and I hadn't been especially itchy, so the time hadn't registered.
"I already took thorough care of everything while you were still lying there!"
"Ah… I see."
So my body had already been through it. Every last corner, scrubbed clean…
Doctors and chefs had something in common.
Hygiene.
"I'll… be in your care, then."
"Leave it to me!"
And cleanliness.
I wasn't a chef, but I did love cooking, didn't I? I was the one making meals, after all. And I hated feeling grimy.
Well… I had to do it. The embarrassment would be mine alone, but still.
"Alright… let's start with your hair. Before, I used a waterless shampoo and wiped it down with a towel, but this time we should use actual water. It's better that way, too."
"Ah… okay."
Suhyeon gathered my hair forward and mimed wiping it with her hands. I supposed the length made that kind of thing possible.
"I'm going to lay you back now~"
"Yes."
Between the position and the room itself, it almost felt like I'd walked into a salon. A hairstylist in a nurse cosplay, washing my hair…
"…What is it?"
"Um… nothing."
I'd been staring too hard, apparently.
"You're a woman now, Jieun-ssi, so you need to take at least basic care of your hair. I'll explain everything, so make sure you use it later!"
"Mmm… okay."
Couldn't I just cut it? There was no real need to keep it long. Other people might say it was pretty, that they liked it, and decide to grow it out.
But I'd been a man. I wasn't a woman.
"You're not going to ask me to teach you later and then refuse to listen, are you?"
"Ugh… fine. I got it."
My halfhearted response must have shown, because she stressed the point again, nice and clear, syllable by syllable.
Given the way the world was, a short cut… might be a bit much. Just a bob would probably be fine, I figured.
"Is the water temperature okay?"
"Yeah. It's warm."
Her hands moved with practiced ease. She wet my hair, squeezed out shampoo, worked it through, and massaged my scalp.
It felt wonderful — and I also realized my head must have gotten smaller. Suhyeon's hands couldn't have been that large, and yet they wrapped around my whole head with room to spare.
She worked the lather carefully all the way to the ends of my long hair, then rinsed the shampoo out again with water.
She washed the crown. From the faint tugging, she seemed to be rinsing the tips. Then she went back to the scalp again… just how long was this going to take?
"Don't move~ We're almost done~"
Yeah. Cutting it was definitely the better option.
"Haa…"
She gathered my hair in her hands and wrung it out like a dishcloth, then gently blotted away the remaining moisture with a towel.
"I'll use the dryer now. Just a second~"
Suhyeon picked up the hair dryer and switched it on.
— Whoooosh!
A high-pitched motor whirred to life, and warm air poured out. She combed her fingers through my hair as if brushing it, letting the air reach between the strands, and I could feel it drying almost at once.
So she wasn't going to just thrash it around. Good.
And then five minutes… ten… fifteen…
"Um, are we…"
"Almost done!!"
Her voice rose naturally over the roar of the motor. For "almost done," this was taking forever.
Another ten minutes crawled by.
"Haa. All done."
"Uegh…"
After roughly thirty minutes of heat aimed at my head, I was dizzy. So this was what it took to dry hair…
"A little lightheaded?"
"Yeees…"
"If I turned the heat down, it'd take another ten minutes at least. I already had it on the lower side. Too hot and it damages the hair."
How much work did hair even need? And the real problem was that this had only been the first hurdle.
There was still a long way to go.
"…I'll do my body myself."
"Heh heh… and how exactly were you planning to reach your back?"
"Uh… I'll just—"
"Nope~"
Suhyeon cut me off, laughing playfully as she plucked the towel right out of my hands. She was enjoying this.
"Clothes. Are you taking them off yourself, or shall I do it for you?"
"…I'll do it."
Faced with Suhyeon's half-threatening tone, I gave in and stripped without a fight. For reasons I couldn't quite name, I felt like I at least had to cover my chest.
"…Once you put on a little weight, you're going to be really pretty."
"That's embarrassing. Please stop looking."
"Ahem… could you flip your hair forward for me?"
As if the teasing had never happened, she turned serious and began wiping down my back. For all her playfulness, she was still a nurse — she cleaned my back with quick, practiced efficiency.
"Here. I'll turn around. I was going to step out, but I figured you might not know a woman's body all that well yet."
"Okay."
I set the patient gown I'd been clutching aside, picked up the towel, and started wiping myself down. Beginning at my now-slender neck, I moved across shoulders that looked narrower and more delicate, then over my collarbones.
When my eyes fell on my chest, some strange feeling welled up — self-loathing, self-reproach, guilt; I couldn't tell which.
"Hnn…"
The moment the towel brushed against a distinctly assertive little pink point, a sharp tingle shot through me and a sound slipped out before I could stop it.
"Um… I'm not sure what you're doing, but I'm guessing that's your chest? Be gentle with your breasts and nipples, okay~"
"Ah. Y-yes…"
I stopped rubbing with the towel and instead pressed lightly, carefully, cleaning slowly enough not to overstimulate anything.
"Haa…"
My arms were easy enough. My stomach had so little surface area that it was done in no time. But… this next part was mortifying even to look at.
"Is it the important bits now?"
"…Yes."
How did she even know? I'd been wiping myself down carefully, watching her reaction the whole time. And she'd been standing with her back turned the entire time, planted there like a flower arrangement.
"Hmm… do you know the terms labia majora and labia minora?"
"Uh… no."
"Then just be gentle, like with your chest earlier. Don't go scrubbing deep or anything."
It was a hard place even to look at. I felt almost guilty about it, and tried to manage somehow while covering myself with my fingers.
My fingers were thin. Why could I still see everything?
"Hmm… this is taking a while. Want me to help?"
"Ah! No! I've got it!"
The thought that I might be looking at this thing for the rest of my life made my heart race even as it somehow settled my mind. It was nothing like the equipment that used to hang there — different sensation, different method entirely — but I managed to clean it somehow.
"Haa…"
"I can at least do your feet for you."
My legs and feet were finished in no time. Thin. And small.
Suhyeon gave my foot a light poke with her finger, as if reluctant to let go. A shiver ran through me and I yanked my feet under the blanket.
"That too is a bit…"
I could move on my own. Getting help felt weird.
"Your feet are ridiculously cute, though~ Can't I just touch them once?"
"…No."
When she made a grab for them, I pulled my legs in and hugged them to my chest.
"Just kidding~"
Suhyeon straightened the bed, said she had other work to do, and left.
"Haa…"
Maybe it was because the whole ordeal had been gnawing away at my nerves. Even though I hadn't done any hard labor, sleep weighed my eyelids down and left my body languid, and just like that, I closed my eyes.