Crossroads (4)
"Alright, close your eyes for a moment."
"......"
"Now open them. How does it look?"
"It's fine."
How on earth had I ended up like this?
The me in the mirror wore a dazed expression. Color had returned to a face that had looked a little pale.
Not that it was really true. Right now I was more drained of life than I had ever been.
A bright, radiant woman smiled at me without a word — a smile that was just a little unsettling.
I hastily corrected myself.
"I-It looks pretty."
"Wonderful. Then let's get your hair done."
"Should I just follow you?"
"Yes, come along."
Soft oil was worked into hair that had only ever been roughly combed. The free, loose style didn't look all that different, yet somehow it felt more put-together than before.
In other words… I was being subjected to a sudden, unexpected makeover.
Had I asked the wrong question?
I'd ended up digging into the wounds of the very person who'd come out to comfort me.
The coffee I sipped wasn't particularly bitter.
Was she seeing her little sister in me right now? Maybe the kindness she'd shown me was mixed with a kind of vicarious satisfaction.
I thought about it for a moment, then decided it didn't really matter.
"I don't think that's something I'd get angry about."
"You might still resent it. Jumping to conclusions about someone and then handing out kindness on that basis — it's actually pretty rude."
"It's fine. It comforted me. You didn't do anything wrong. So… would you just hold me? Just once?"
Elderin — no, Yoo Se-rin — slowly drew me in.
Arms lightly wrapped around me. The rise and fall of her chest with every breath. A warmth only another person could give melted the cold that had settled into my bones.
And with it, it felt as though the person I was melted away too — soft and slow.
"Just a little longer. Just a little more. It's warm… and nice."
The truth was, I'd been using other people as substitutes too. I'd simply been starving for warmth. If I could get what I needed, it wouldn't have mattered who it came from at the start.
Someone who would come close, who would say kind things. If someone like that had appeared, my heart would have fallen in no time.
Human warmth had become far too precious to me. So if I could borrow someone's arms, I was willing to pay a somewhat steep price. Even if something darker lurked behind that warmth, I could look the other way — at least a little.
Maybe I was a far easier person than I'd thought.
I pressed myself a little closer into Se-rin's embrace. Still warm.
Spring was already leaving the world behind, yet for me winter still hadn't ended.
"Um… I lied about something at the meetup."
"About what?"
"My leg. I didn't hurt it recently. It's been a long time. Since I lost the use of it."
"I already knew. Me and everyone else — we just played along."
"Hweh?"
The shocking admission came out so casually. When I lifted my head, I found a face wearing a faint smile. I felt like an idiot for thinking I'd hidden it so well. I buried my face again.
"How did you know?"
"Your crutches and brace are incredibly worn out. And habits? The body is surprisingly bad at lying. Or maybe Daeun just isn't very good at lying."
"I… never paid attention to that kind of thing."
I'd thought psychological warfare was my specialty. To hear that I couldn't even lie to people…
Looking at my brace now, the marks of time really were plain to see. I'd worn it so long I'd thought of it as part of my body — long enough that I hadn't even been conscious of it. Well, I'd been wearing it ever since the accident, so of course.
Maybe I should get a new one soon.
"A-Anyway… I did kendo when I was little. It's hard now, but… I was pretty good."
"Yeah. I'm sure you were. I've seen enough to know."
"Even if you say that, right now I — pff — can't do anything."
"I just said what came to mind."
"Heheh…"
Carefully managing my expression, I began to talk.
I left out the stories that would only hurt to tell. For why my leg was injured, I simply said it was because of an accident — a miserable, unfair accident the world itself ought to be ashamed of.
I described the condition of my leg fairly accurately. My left leg felt like a lump of stone, hard and set. No matter how hard I tried, it barely moved. And yet if the weight landed wrong, or if any impact came from outside, the pain was enough to kill me. It was like a spiteful god's punishment.
It would have been better if there'd been no hope at all. Leaving that thread of possibility felt deliberate and cruel — a form of torture.
When the doctor had recommended amputation, would things have been a little better if I'd accepted? The thought crossed my mind now and then, but I never wanted to imagine it too deeply.
"A doctor told me once. About my leg. That it might still be fixable. So I had to make money. As you might have guessed… I make it through gaming."
"Have you thought about streaming? Is there a reason you haven't?"
"I… want to. I want to talk to people too. I want more people watching me."
"Then…"
"I can't with my access unit."
Fidget, fidget. I absently worked my hands together, then bit my lip when the words became hard to say. A metallic taste bloomed on my tongue.
Right. This was something I had to say anyway. If I hadn't meant to say this, I shouldn't have called Elderin at all.
I gathered my courage and began to talk about my access unit.
The VR unit my parents had been developing for critical-care patients. A device that used a brainwave connection method abandoned for being too dangerous. Never designed for gaming in the first place — my paradise and my shackle, capable of neither streaming nor anything else.
And now even that was about to be taken from me.
"I… might not be able to play anymore. In a few days, people from the game company are coming. At best I have a few weeks? They said if they investigate and decide it's too dangerous, I won't be allowed to connect."
"The game company is coming?"
"Yes. They say my access unit is far too dangerous. I know that myself. If I keep using it, the day might come when I get hurt. But if the unit is gone… how am I supposed to live?"
A falling bird always has a reason. Its wings are broken, or its body can no longer fly, and so it falls. There are reasons a connection method falls out of use, too.
But this was all I had left.
One day I might die while playing. It could be the acute shock they'd always feared, or I might just sink into depression and put a knife to my own throat. I didn't know. But if I lost the game too, I would definitely die.
"I hate this… You've already taken everything from me. Mom, Dad, kendo, my whole life — all of it. I was finally managing to hold on. This is too much."
"Daeun. Slowly. Calm down, okay?"
I barely managed to draw a breath that wanted to race. Hoo… haah. I exhaled carefully, steadily. The arms holding me tight finally let my chest settle.
Even so, I still had no answer.
I was a girl who'd learned nothing. My body wasn't whole, and beyond the sword and games I didn't even know what I was good at. The one useful thing I had left was this: a face pretty enough that anyone would admit it.
So what was I supposed to do to save my leg? If looks were all I had, did I have to sell this body too?
The world was full of rich, greedy people. Living as a "woman who looks unhappy," you learned that sooner or later whether you wanted to or not. I'd probably sell well. Maybe I'd even get all the warmth I craved.
But… a life prolonged that way didn't seem worth clinging to. There'd be no reason left to fix my leg, no dreams left to dream. While my mind drowned in alcohol and pleasure… one day my body would take flight, wouldn't it? A short, thrilling flight.
If that was how it was going to end anyway—
Then better to just—
"I… I just want to die now—"
Se-rin covered my mouth with her hand.
"Daeun. You said you wanted to try streaming, right?"
"Yes. B-But not in real life…"
"You said you might not be able to play anymore. I can't take on the game company for you, but there's one thing I can properly help with. The more insurance you have, the better, right?"
"Uweh…?"
The car ran along empty roads. I had no idea where we were going. But Elderin right now looked full of drive. Her energy was a little frightening, so I fidgeted with my fingers.
"I… I can't stream in real life."
"Why not?"
"Why… well, I'm not strong like I am in the game. I don't know how to chatter excitedly either. I'm different from Gawol."
"You are Gawol."
"It's a little… different. I mean, I'm…"
My mouth closed on its own.
Because I'm a gloomy girl whose heart is full of jealousy. Honestly, I'm jealous of you too. I hate everyone who's happier than me, everyone who shines brighter than me.
—I couldn't say that.
So I found a different excuse.
"Hate. I've gotten so much hate. I'm sure I couldn't take it."
Gawol could overcome every scrap of other people's hatred. But Han Daeun could not. If people turned their arrows of condemnation on me — I might just die on the spot. That was terrifying. My heart just wasn't that strong.
"True. You have racked up a lot of grudges here and there."
"Right? So that's why…"
"And you've drawn far more popularity than that. You still don't seem to get it, so let's go get properly prepared."
"N-No. I'm scared!"
"Really?"
"......"
The car stopped briefly at a light. Se-rin laid her hand over the back of mine.
"If you truly hate the idea, I won't force you. But I'd like you to trust me just this once. What do you say, Daeun?"
"I… well…"