Crossroads (5)

Something was coming together, piece by piece.

Makeup. Hair. All the things I never would have managed on my own were being handled with brisk efficiency. This was entirely outside my skill set. I wouldn't even have thought to look for a place that could do it for me, let alone try it myself.

The clothes, though… I hadn't wanted to wear a skirt.

Elderin had pushed so hard there was no room to resist. Every time the hem stirred and air slipped between the fabric and my skin, a chill ran through me. I was fully dressed, yet it felt as if my lower half were completely exposed. ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠The thought that the slightest lift would show everything made me restless and uneasy.

Did women really feel secure in scraps of cloth like this?

"Could you look in the mirror for me? Perfect. Now smile just like that."

"Ah—ahaha?"

"A soft smile is fine."

"Okay…"

The girl in the mirror smiled awkwardly. It should have been a face I knew well. Instead it felt like looking at a complete stranger. If not for the trembling corners of her mouth and the shy expression, I might have genuinely doubted it was me.

I had been dressed up to look exactly like a young girl. At a glance, no one would question the claim that I had just entered high school. There was even a brightness about me, as if the world's creases hadn't touched me yet.

Startled by that reflection, I flinched. Only after touching my own cheek did the reality of it settle in.

"How is it? Surprised, right? A lot of people are when they first see themselves, but you're a special case even among them."

"Special?"

"I've never seen anyone walk around this unadorned before."

A faint edge of irritation colored the staff member's voice. Her hand swept up the nape of my neck, and thick black hair spilled down. With a light smile she rested that hand on my shoulder.

"This might be overstepping, but please take a little better care of yourself. I'm not just saying it—you're the prettiest person I've ever worked on."

"Thank… you."

"All done. Go show your unnie waiting outside. I'll bring your crutches—just wait a moment."

Staring blankly into the mirror, I suddenly realized my mood had lifted. Even a gloomy year like mine could look like this once someone put in the work.

Inside the studio washed in soft sky-blue light—more precisely, the officetel Elderin had set up for streaming—she began her broadcast a short distance away from me.

Internet streaming was a far more serious, cutthroat battlefield than I had imagined. I had no idea so much preparation went into it. For a screen someone else might watch casually, she had poured her heart into making this space as comfortable as possible.

"Hi, everyone. Glad to hear you're happy I finally turned the cam on again. Thanks. Come to think of it, it's been a while since I last had the camera on while gaming."

Behind the table, out of the camera's view, several lights poured out warm heat. Elderin, starting the stream with practiced ease, looked as if she were standing inside the light itself.

I sat in the back where the camera couldn't reach and simply watched her. The landscape a streamer saw and the landscape the viewers saw were completely different. Didn't lights that bright hurt her eyes? I needed to study the streaming software properly, even if slowly. Piece by piece I filed away everything Elderin was showing me. Space was limited, so I had to unload a little jealousy and fear to make room.

Our eyes met for a moment. Elderin gave me a small, smiling wink. In answer I only nodded slightly.

What… should I do?

Elderin truly hadn't forced anything on me. She had simply left a seat open so I could join whenever I wanted. If I stood up, she would briefly turn the screen off. When it came back on, I would be sitting there. If I didn't stand, that would be the end of it—she would simply continue the stream as if nothing had happened.

As always, my head understood. Even after my mind had broken, my reason had kept doing its job. This was a chance that would never come again. Elderin held solid ground both as a female cam streamer and as a game streamer who played Infinity Black. If I ever set foot into streaming, this collab would become enormous nourishment.

And yet—

I'm scared…

The moment I rested my hand on the armrest, ready to rise, I couldn't put any strength into it. Sticky, dark hands seemed to seize my arms and pin them down. A small, dark voice whispered beside my ear.

That place isn't for you. Look at the happy chat. The second you ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠clumsily step forward it'll turn into chaos. This isn't like the Sulppang stream. Back then you were Gawol. Right now you're Han Daeun. You turn into a stuttering mess in front of people…

"Hmm, I really did just turn it on to chat. A guest? You're getting your hopes up. But who knows—there might actually be one? I don't know yet~"

In contrast, Elderin seemed to be beckoning me. I wanted to take that hand. I didn't want to keep living in this darkness full of jealousy; I wanted to find my own light and wrap myself in it.

Suddenly a small hand mirror caught my eye. My face was a mess.

I looked so pretty earlier…

Today's me, even to my own eyes—even to the me who hated myself so much it was hard to breathe—had been breathtakingly lovely. Yet after only a few hours I looked like this. Had the makeup fallen apart in the meantime? Impossible. Nothing had actually changed. There was no need to circle around for an answer. The only thing that had changed was my mind. Just as the surface of water distorts the world when you look up from below, my submerged spirit was warping everything I saw.

The moment I understood that, the bonds holding my arms loosened. I stood up—and walked out of the studio.

Battle is terrifying; flight is comfortable. But the moment the fight ends, the one who fought bravely receives glory while the one who fled receives only fear. In truth, no matter which choice you make, the terror eventually finds you. Some superhuman people simply overpower themselves with sheer will. People like me—rotted and festering—cannot. If you can't win alone, why not accept help from something else?

"Daeun, are you oka—?"

"…"

Elderin, who had rushed out of the studio, stopped short. Her startled eyes fixed on me. When our gazes met I gave her an awkward smile and gently shook the bottle in my hand. Inside the clear glass, oak-colored whiskey sloshed with a soft liquid sound.

"Mind if I drink this?"

"Huh? Uh… sure, go ahead."

"Thanks. It looks expensive."

I actually had no idea. To me, the baseline for alcohol was soju; fancy drinks were the medicinal liquors sold at meat restaurants. Anything with English on the label I simply lumped together as "Western liquor" and vaguely assumed was expensive. Taste and price didn't matter. My only goal was alcohol. I needed the buzz to knead my brain soft.

"Just give me a minute. I'll be right in."

"You're sure you're okay?"

"I don't know. That's why I'm just going to go for it. We're already this far in."

My mind was the problem? Then the solution was to break this damned head. I had learned one thing at the last offline meetup: this body was weak to alcohol. A few drinks were enough to get me tipsy; I still remembered melting into Sansae's arms with a goofy grin. Knocking back something this strong would definitely get me drunk. Whether the thoughts were good or bad, I'd shut them all down and charge in. Forgiveness was easier than permission; surrendering to madness was easier than conquering fear.

In field fights, "doping" and "gear" mattered almost as much as skill. I had already burned my throat raw with liquor—doping complete. Next came gear. My appearance was in better condition than it had ever been. So I would find something to hide my face. Whether it filled the hole in my ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠confidence or simply startled people, it would do one of the two.

Disposable masks were stacked high on a shelf. I picked a black one, pulled it over my face, and limped back into the studio. When I opened the door, bright light welcomed me.

‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠