At Least I Shouldn't Make It Hard
A person's emotions are a well.
Draw from it endlessly, again and again, and sooner or later the bottom shows.
Kang Hyeona's feelings, which had once surged like a towering wave, had finally run dry.
A human defense mechanism for escaping pain.
Through the psychological act of rationalization, Kang Hyeona was living out her school days in a flat, flavorless haze.
What had been holding her life together?
Love-filled web novels?
She was too afraid to open the app anymore.
So she simply fiddled with her smartphone without end, killing surplus time.
Kang Hyeona let out a deep sigh, her face close to nothing—neither laughter nor pain.
It wasn't hard.
But while it wasn't hard, it wasn't happy either.
A human without emotion was no different from scrap iron.
In that sense, Kang Hyeona's life these past few days could fairly be called mechanical.
When Kim Hyeongmin demanded, she followed him.
When he didn't, she sat at her desk and stared at her phone.
The heart she had locked with chains and a padlock stirred.
Like a pounding heartbeat.
It twitched, trying to undo the carefully bound lock.
Whenever that happened, Kang Hyeona thought of Han Sein.
The throbbing ache in her chest swelled and, at the same time, settled.
It hurt at the thought of how afraid she was to face him.
Yet the memory of his smiling face soothed the pain like a gentle touch.
Give up.
Don't love him.
Who am I to even try.
Kang Hyeona did everything she could to renounce her feelings for him. Of course it wasn't easy—that was exactly why she was suffering like this.
In the drought of her emotions, instinct bloomed.
Her throat was dry.
Water would have fixed it, but she wanted something sweet.
So she wouldn't hurt.
Complaining of emotional exhaustion, she rose from her seat.
Three days.
Enough time for mental fatigue and feelings to recover.
From a personal view it had been a heavy shock.
Objectively, though, it was nothing much.
She hadn't lost a lover. It had only ever been one-sided love.
Kang Hyeona slowly got to her feet and headed for the snack bar.
Perhaps out of consideration, Kim Hyeongmin had barely touched her.
He had chosen to believe that once her emptied emotions settled, she would look at him again.
"......"
People who knew her called out; ordinary students passed by with careful glances.
The former were the rotten kids. The latter were simply ordinary, decent ones.
Where had it gone wrong?
It was the environment she had taken for granted since childhood.
So even when the time came to be taught that it was wrong, she had remained indifferent.
It was her role.
An apparatus that assisted Kim Hyeongmin, hiding and helping just enough that he never got caught.
After meeting Han Sein, Kang Hyeona had begun to change, little by little.
She had been a person trapped inside her environment.
Love became a new environment and raised a wind.
When she reached the snack bar, the past rose naturally.
Buying drinks and bread with Han Sein.
Listening to the snack-bar uncle's ridiculous flattery.
A memory that made a smile form for no reason and drew out an absurd little sigh.
What was that even.
They hadn't been anything to each other. If anything, it must have been uncomfortable for Han Sein.
Thoughts drifted on their own.
Worried feelings called up another piece of the past.
I don't hate you. Kang Hyeona.
Her heart slammed against her ribs. Emotion tickled and melted inside her.
In the sensation that her face might flush just from thinking of it, Kang Hyeona looked at a scene that brought a novel sentence to mind.
The reunion with him after so long was the worst.
A line from a novel famous enough to be famous.
A phrase that slipped through the mind of a girl who had read far too many stories.
Because the sight that met Kang Hyeona as she was about to enter the snack bar was pure shock.
Three days.
Yes—the reunion with Han Sein after three days was the worst.
Him, now dating Jeong Ayeong.
The first thing that caught her eye was the suffering on his face.
Not simple pain, but the expression of someone forced to do something he hated.
Anyone with ordinary human instinct who could read emotion from another person's face would have found it hard not to know.
Being dragged out against his will by Jeong Ayeong.
The instant she faced that scene, Kang Hyeona's emotions began to whirl.
As if the bland life she had been living until now had been a kind of silent appeal.
The moment she saw Han Sein's faintly frowning face and the eyes of someone being pulled along by force, the emotion coiled deep in her heart stirred.
A flood of feelings raced through her whole body.
First came anger.
Then relief.
Then anger again.
The woman holding Han Sein's hand and leading him—Jeong Ayeong.
She was furious at her. She hated her.
You can't do that.
Standing in that place beside him.
At the very least—
you shouldn't make him do something he hates.
"Ha."
A laugh of pure disbelief slipped out.
She crossed paths with them on their way to the snack bar. Jeong Ayeong's lightly wavering gaze and Han Sein's eyes tangled together in a way that felt wrong.
The next emotion was relief.
Their relationship is artificial.
Not because they love each other, but because of Kim Hyeongmin.
Because of someone else. A forced relationship.
Han Sein's expression and the uncomfortable current around Jeong Ayeong became the grounds for that guess, and the guess returned as relief.
Then emotion stirred again.
Self-loathing.
What am I relieved about?
That he isn't really her boyfriend?
That it's lucky he doesn't sincerely love her?
She was disgusted with herself for feeling relief at that.
It became an impulsive act.
"Ugh?!"
"Fuck, let go of his hand."
It was fast.
Their footsteps approaching the snack bar and Kang Hyeona's footsteps heading straight for them met at full speed.
Kang Hyeona snatched Jeong Ayeong by the throat and slammed her against the wall.
A tightening hand. A growling voice.
Jeong Ayeong's eyes filled with confusion and terror.
As she used violence, as she used her body, Kang Hyeona's heart began to pool heavier and heavier.
Every word and every action threw questions and self-loathing back at her.
"Let go of Han Sein's hand."
What am I? His boyfriend or something?
"Fuck. Are you even a girl? How hard did you grab him? Don't you know how to consider a guy?"
The hand released.
On the soft white skin, red marks remained.
Only then did the eyes that turned toward Han Sein hold apology.
Self-loathing rushed in again.
If it hadn't been simple liking, simple wanting to love him, she never would have done this.
Compared to all the thoughtless things she had done until now, this was completely different.
She felt so unfamiliar to herself, and she hated that so much, that in the chilled silence she let go of the nape she had been holding.
"Cough—kuh..."
Ignoring Jeong Ayeong, who was coughing and rubbing her throat, Kang Hyeona walked toward Han Sein.
Only two or three steps of distance.
The gaze looking down at him felt dizzy.
She had no right to say these words.
She was the one who had made things hard for him. She knew she had no qualification.
But...
As a woman who loved someone, there were words she absolutely needed to leave behind.
Words that carried the courage to break the environment and change.
Kang Hyeona slowly began to speak.
"If it's hard, tell me. If you don't like it, tell me. I'll talk to Kim Hyeongmin and make it stop."
"......"
Silence followed.
She had forced the courage out, but of course this was the natural result.
Words drawn alone, without any warning.
Kang Hyeona sighed and ruffled her own hair.
"Aaaah! Fuck."
What the hell am I doing.
The flared emotions cooled.
Kang Hyeona walked away under the weight of guilt.
Meeting him after three days and doing this.
I don't know anymore.
"......"
"......"
After Kang Hyeona left, cold silence hung in front of the snack bar.
Jeong Ayeong cleared her throat and opened her mouth carefully.
"Did it... hurt?"
"A little..."
"I-I didn't mean to..."
"No. It was bearable."
"Th-that..."
She swallowed the rest of the words.
Jeong Ayeong forced down the voice that wanted to surge up.
It was an action unlike her.
In Han Sein's words and actions she saw fragments of herself.
A kind of mirror therapy, maybe.
Deeply suppressed, stifling emotion tormented her.
The trigger that had just exploded stimulated her further.
What hurt more than the hand around her throat was Kang Hyeona's words.
Words that stabbed at the version of herself who kept making mistakes even while loving him—tactless, inconsiderate.
Ironically, Kang Hyeona's raw confession, spoken as if Jeong Ayeong weren't even there, pushed her.
Like being shoved off a bungee platform.
It forced the result of pushing the hesitating Jeong Ayeong forward.
"Sein, wait a second..."
"Hm?"
"Over there. Let's talk for a bit."
"Mm..."
"I have something I need to say."
"Okay."
Behind the snack bar.
A small empty space no one ever used.
No reason to come and go, and the smokers had their own designated spot, so it was pure leftover space.
Jeong Ayeong stood there and began to speak the words she had never dared to find courage for.
Not remaining foolishly stuck.
It was the moment she started to change because someone had come after her.
"Se-Sein..."
"Yeah."
"So... so..."
Silence.
It was hard to meet Han Sein's bewildered eyes.
But she didn't want to stay sulky any longer.
It might be a forced action, just like Kang Hyeona's words.
At least—
This is how I feel.
She wanted to open her mouth and say it.
"I like you."
"....."
In the middle of words that looked ready to stretch on forever, she spat out the conclusion first.