Starting Over Again (38)
"Dammit, who would like a guy like that, who...! I don't like him, it's just fucking disgusting. Even now, I hate that he's next to me. It smells like trash, seriously!!!! I wish he would just disappear. I don't even want to see that bastard again..."
However, the doctor asked the nurse to calm her down for a moment and did not tie her limbs or stop the diagnosis. The reason was simple. This is the kind of reaction that occurs when a person with a mental illness realizes that their thoughts are being steered in a direction opposite to the mental path their recovery is taking.
"Are you okay, patient?"
"...."
"You have to admit that you like him."
Perhaps her mind had returned after venting all her anger, but even with that prompt, she showed no reaction. Then,
"Shall we try stating again why you want to keep your guardian by your side?"
She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment. Then, as if thinking about something, she furrowed her eyelids slightly, caught her breath slowly, and spoke.
"...Because I... like that person..."
"I see. Is that feeling of liking him love? Can you distinguish it?"
"Love... I think it might be... love..."
Come to think of it, she didn't know what love was.
"...What is love?"
Min Suyeon didn't know what love was. She had lived too fiercely, working her body to the point of near-death. She had buried herself in research instead of dating, and if that research yielded results, her family could get back on their feet. She wouldn't have to watch her father look worried about losing his university lectures, she could pay for her mother's surgery, and the whole family could gather in one place again. It was a golden opportunity where everyone would use her oil, and she could literally make money while playing.
When others played, she had to study, and when she tried to define what love was, she was in the lab worrying about how to define the exact chemical substance she was trying to create.
"...I don't know what love is. Love..."
"Is that so?"
"...."
She used formal speech again. When she had a lot on her mind. Right now. When she said she didn't know what love was, what it did, or what it felt like, the doctor said:
"To know what love is,"
"Wouldn't it be important to find someone who can... make you feel that feeling?"
"Try visiting a mental hospital."
"You want me to take Min Suyeon there?"
"Yes."
Jia had said that. The night before. And then she told her own story.
"After things went south with Master... and Eunbyul came along, I went to a psychiatrist."
Jia had gone to a mental hospital. She had poured out everything to a complete stranger. She wasn't worried. They said they would keep her secrets, and she was there for treatment. She took the prescribed medication and followed the doctor's instructions to think positively. She also followed the instruction to just sleep or do something else to empty her brain if she had any worries.
"Since I wasn't going to the company, I got better really quickly."
"So that's... how it was."
"It's a bit embarrassing, having a mental illness..."
"No, it's not like that. You said you're better now, right?"
In fact, Jia had improved a lot over the past month. She had threatened to stab someone with a fruit knife, but that seemed like an overreaction. More than that...
"What was the illness? What kind of..."
"They said it was bipolar disorder. Manic depression."
"Hmm..."
"And... paranoid personality disorder?"
Bipolar disorder was literally manic depression. Of course, with this illness, depressive symptoms appeared more often. This was an illness she had even when she went to the psychiatrist right after her divorce. But now,
"Paranoid..."
Paranoid personality disorder is when you suspect others will harm you, or you can't trust others and end up doubting them endlessly—
1. Han Suhyun is younger than me. He has a lot of money. He'll have even more in the future.
2. Plus, he's handsome. He's tall and has good stamina. He must be popular with women.
3. I'm a year older... I might lose to younger girls...
4. ....He might be cheating...
If an ordinary person could think up to this point, Jia would add her own imagination to it and think like this:
5. ...This bastard is definitely cheating.
6. Right, that's why he seems to be coming home late these days. (He doesn't actually come home late. Jia just feels that way.)
7. You son of a bitch, who are you cheating with... You're dumping me?
8. After all I've done for you, seriously...
9. Asking me to do it three times is all a lie, too. He's definitely acting like he's not cheating while he's at it. Fucking other bitches... trying to hide that...
When paranoid personality disorder worsens, you could give examples like this. Simply put, even though she hasn't actually seen the issue she's suspicious of, she believes it's true and amplifies it.
"How are you now?"
"...It's become a reality now, but it's also all my fault."
"Yeah."
"And this... isn't bad either."
Rather, Jia was considering it fortunate that she was lying in bed with Eunbyul. If it weren't for this, even now, a month later in September, she and he would still be living in the same house without saying a single word to each other.
"So, try taking that woman to a mental hospital. Something might come out."
"Hmm..."
"I didn't know I had an illness either. ...But don't bring another woman home."
"Did you finish the consultation?"
"...."
She stared straight at him. Then, after receiving the prescription, she went downstairs without a word. After bowing to the receptionist, he followed her down the stairs, and she had already found the pharmacy on her own and was waiting with the prescription in hand. He had been worried about what he would do if she left without even getting the medicine.
"How was it?"
"I don't know. Doc... ...."
"...?"
She stopped herself from swearing. What the hell. What happened?
After getting the medicine, he tried to take her to the company, but she refused. Min Suyeon, clutching the medicine bag tightly, said she would take the subway home on her own, and he hurriedly went back into the company.
"Secretary Eun!"
"You're just in time. Right on time for lunch. What were you doing?"
"Jia said so yesterday. To take Min Suyeon to a mental hospital."
"Ah..."
Right. That happened.
"What did they say?"
"Well, all sorts of things came up, but they said they couldn't give a definitive diagnosis yet."
"Right, you don't get a diagnosis just by going once to a psychiatrist... So, are you going to follow her every week?"
"No, that's..."
Come to think of it, he hadn't asked that. She must have some kind of schedule. So, while he focused on company work again, he spent his time frequently calling Lee Jeonghyun, his club senior from the Alternative Energy Development Group on the 15th floor. There was almost no urgent work, anyway.
Min Suyeon, who had returned home, sat blankly on her desk chair. The medicine bag was visible when she turned her head slightly.
"You must take all of it. Take all of this and come back to the hospital."
"....Yes. I understand..."
"And make sure you do exactly as I say."
'I was going to die soon anyway...'
Since she got to know him, regrets had started to linger. She had things to do. Her life, which was supposed to end on September 20th, felt as if it wasn't over yet, and she was feeling that dirty, ugly thing called regret.
'Regret...'
She had a mountain of things to do. The medicine was for one week, and she had a follow-up appointment next Monday after finishing it. The doctor said they would check her progress and proceed with other additional tests.
"You have to spill everything. Your thoughts, your secrets."
"Tell everything to that person who can make you feel the emotion of love."
"You don't lose anything by talking. It just reduces the burden. It's better, trust me."
Thinking about it again, the doctor's words were just sweet talk. She thought he was just saying that while pretending to understand even though he didn't really, but still...
Min Suyeon got up from her seat. Then she went down to the first floor.
"Welcome-"
On the first floor of the studio apartment building, there was a convenience store and a toast shop next to it. It was a male owner. The man asked her to choose what to order. Normally, men were just objects of disgust, so it would have been right to run out the door immediately, but...
Still...
"...Steak ham, give me that one."
"Yes, please sit down for a moment and I'll have it ready for you~"
Service industry, I really hate that fake tone. She thought that, but she listened well and sat quietly in the chair. When the toast came out, she received it and, remembering the doctor's words, she was about to just open the door and leave, but she said very quietly,
"...Thank you."
"Yes, come again!"
She said it so quietly that it shouldn't have been heard, but the owner greeted her as if he had heard it, and she came back up to her room and placed it next to the medicine bag.
"Haa..."
A 6,800 won toast that was still warm. In these days when prices have risen so much, it's a scary era to even buy something to eat. She, who couldn't remember the last time she bought a meal with her own money, slowly opened the toast wrapper and looked at the contents. It seemed worth the price. A delicious-looking toast with large, generous fillings.
"..."
She took a bite, and,
"......."
She hesitated for a moment and took another bite.
"........."
'...It's delicious...'