The Ember in the Northern Frost
Following the stranger, Mary, into the shop, a familiar scene greeted me. The subtle scent of damp earth and the fragrance of nameless flowers. It was a landscape I had already visited once, so it felt natural, yet that very familiarity helped settle my mind, if only a little. Sir Khan, as he had done before, kept his gaze averted near the door, as if trying not to intrude on us.
"Please, sit here. I'll bring you some tea in a moment."
Mary guided me to the table just as she had last time. I sat blankly in the chair, watching her back as she moved about busily. The air in the shop was peaceful, but the storm within me showed no signs of subsiding. "Um..." I thought about calling out to Mary to refuse the tea, just as I had before, but today, I decided to accept it.
"Did you say something?" Mary asked, turning her head.
"No," I replied shortly, then clamped my mouth shut. In truth, I was feeling a chill creeping up from deep within my body. Kyle’s desertion, the sudden burden of the heirship, and Kalia’s declaration of departure—all these situations felt as if they had shoved me into a pool of freezing ice water. For me, right now, a small warmth spreading through my fingertips was far more desperate than any grand strategy. I wanted to drink some warm tea to soothe this cold, if only a little.
Noticing that my complexion wasn't good, Mary prepared the teacup with care. Soon, a cup with steam rising from it was placed before me.
"Cassian, drinking this will make you feel a bit better. It's a tea brewed with petals I particularly cherish."
"Thank you. I'll enjoy it."
I lifted the cup carefully. As the warm vapor touched my face, I felt the muscles that had been stiffly frozen begin to loosen ever so slightly. As I took a sip, the warmth, accompanied by a subtle fragrance, slid down my throat. It was warm and sweet. It felt as if a heat was wrapping around my entire body. As the sweet warmth seeped into the gaps of my coldly frozen inner self, my spirit, which had been rigid, began to melt helplessly. A powerful temptation surged within me to simply sink into this warmth and escape from all the problems currently strangling me.
'Why must I suffer after transmigrating into a romance fantasy?'
That was the thought that crossed my mind. It was a lament over my darkening future. Kyle’s irresponsible flight, the heavy burden of being the family heir, and that document Kalia had placed before me yesterday that made my heart sink. I wanted to forget it all, even if just for a moment. That was why I had come here. The only place I could find, and the only person I had met for the second time, was Mary.
"Isn't it delicious? When you're feeling down, something sweet is the best," Mary said, sitting across from me and smiling brightly.
Feeling the warmth transmitted through the teacup with my entire palm, I began to regain my senses, bit by bit. Perhaps it was thanks to the warmth enveloping my body, or perhaps it was Mary’s bright voice, but it felt as if a small crack was opening in the maze that had been completely blocked.
"……Yeah. I feel a little more alive."
I set the cup down and looked at Mary. My voice, which had become much calmer than before, reached my own ears. That paper Kalia had presented would still be sitting on my desk, and by this evening, I would have to reach some kind of conclusion regarding Kalia. I carefully set the teacup down, then wrapped both hands around it, unwilling to let go of the remaining warmth. I slowly traced the smooth surface of the cup with my thumb once. The lukewarm heat felt against my fingertips contrasted with the cold document Kalia had offered, leaving me with a strange feeling.
"Mary."
I mumbled quietly, looking only at the teacup. Anyone could see I was hesitant and unable to find my footing. The demeanor of a 'Northern Noble,' which I usually struggled to keep cold and composed, was nowhere to be found. There was no way Mary wouldn't notice my state. It was only natural, but Mary, having sensed the situation, didn't rush and instead showed me consideration.
"As I just said, this time it's my turn to listen. So, please, speak comfortably."
Her voice was as soft and warm as the tea I had just drunk. Perhaps because of this small warmth before me, or perhaps because of her patience in not rushing me, I felt my tightly blocked throat opening up little by little. I stroked the smooth texture of the teacup with my thumb once more, then took a deep breath.
"I don't know if it's self-reproach, pressure, or something else, but my escort knight…… suddenly said she wanted to quit."
Mary listened to me quietly instead of answering. A faint tremor lingered at the tips of my fingers as I fiddled with the teacup.
"I'm worried about what I should do."
She was the existence that had made me feel 'safe' for the first time in this strange world, and although she was blunt, whenever she was by my side, I felt like I had an ally. And yet, she was saying she would leave. Was it because the time we spent together was so short? It felt all the more regrettable. While I was agonizing, Mary poured a little more tea into my cup.
"Young Master, what kind of person is that knight to you?"
At Mary’s core question, I fell into deep thought. Kalia’s blunt face flickered through the steam rising from the teacup. Kalia was, yes. To me, she was like an ember. A small, precious ember that kept the warmth from disappearing within me in this strange world. If even that small ember were to go out, I would truly be left alone in this vast, freezing maze of the North.
"……Like an ember."
At my quiet utterance, Mary’s eyes widened.
"An ember?"
"Yes. A very small but precious ember that keeps the warmth from disappearing inside me. If that disappears, I will be trapped in the cold once again."
I tightened my grip on the teacup. It wasn't simply because I needed a skilled escort knight. The very fact that she was by my side gave me a reason to live and warmth in this place. No matter how short the time had been, I felt a strange sense of kinship and familiarity with Kalia.
Mary closed her eyes for a moment after hearing my answer, then opened them, offering a soft smile as she spoke.
"Then you must not let her go even more. Once an ember goes out, it's really hard to rekindle it. You must let her know how much you cherish that ember, and how hard you are trying to keep it from going out……"
Mary’s words were right, but it wasn't as easy as it sounded.
"My escort knight must have her own circumstances, and I don't know if it's really right to hold onto her just out of my own greed."
At my confession, mixed with hesitation, Mary stared straight into my eyes.
"Cassian! I don't know the reason, but you are thinking too much about putting others first. Sometimes, there are times when your own feelings should come first."
Mary’s sharp remark was sharper than I expected, and just as warm. "That goes for when you first came to find me, too. You went out of your way to visit for the sake of a commoner working in a flower shop. You are clearly a good person. So, if you want to do as you please, then do it! No one will say anything!"
Mary’s voice was full of conviction. A commoner, she says. To me, she was just a precious connection to Rona, and I was only doing my duty, but in her eyes, I seemed to be a 'too kind' person who struggled not to invade others' territory more than necessary and couldn't even wield his own rights. If you want to do as you please, then do it. It was a sentence I hadn't thought of even once since falling into this world. Because this was a place where status, etiquette, and family honor decided everything. But paradoxically, Mary, who was in the lowest place, was recommending the highest form of freedom to me.
"……Do as I please, huh."
I rolled the words quietly in my mouth. It was an unfamiliar but not bad resonance. Even if holding onto Kalia was my selfishness, if the fact that I needed her didn't change, there was no need to pretend to be kind and let her go. Thinking about it, it was like that. Since falling into this strange world and living in someone else’s body, what I feared most might have been 'being hated.' The fear that I might not be fully accepted by anyone was greater than the sense of liberation that came from the fact that no one truly knew me. So, paradoxically, I had been watching others' eyes more, considering others' circumstances first, and pushing my own heart to the back of the line.
"……I guess I did that because I didn't want to be hated."
A bitter monologue flowed from between my lips. But Mary shook her head and added.
"Treating someone with sincerity is not an act of being hated. Rather, it is an action you can take because you trust the other person. That knight will also be happy if she knows how much you cherish her."
My 'selfish sincerity' that I had hidden behind a heart for others. But if that selfishness was, in fact, the most honest form of 'affection' that desperately needed someone, wouldn't it be okay to prioritize my feelings for once? I set the teacup down and stood up from my seat. I was still afraid, but for this once, I decided to take off the mask of the kind young master and indulge in my own greed.