The Priority
After a short, final conversation with Mary, I stepped back outside. The cold northern wind immediately tousled my hair, but it wasn't the same desolate, biting chill I had felt when I first stepped off the carriage. Instead, it felt like a refreshing jolt, one that cleared my head.
"Thank you, Mary. I feel much lighter now."
"I'm glad I could be of help."
Mary stood by the doorway, watching me with a bright smile until I climbed back into the carriage. "If you ever need advice or just someone to talk to again, please feel free to visit like a friend."
"A friend… yeah. That sounds nice."
Before closing the carriage door, I paused to look at the Valenvalt estate in the distance. Somewhere inside, Kalia was likely waiting with a heavy heart, counting the moments until I signed those transfer papers. If it were the old me, I might have signed them, using the excuse that I was "respecting her decision." I had believed that was the kind thing to do. But now, I knew better. It wasn't kindness; it was just cowardice—a way to run away because I didn't want to get hurt.
The carriage wheels began to roll, kicking up the rough northern soil. The scenery of the flower shop faded away through the shaking window. My hand still held the warmth Mary had given me, and my mind was filled with the mess I needed to resolve with Kalia.
Upon returning to the estate, I headed straight to my room without hesitation. I gave the butler I encountered in the hallway a short, firm instruction to summon Kalia to my room. There was no rush, but I wanted to resolve this uncomfortable feeling as quickly as possible. I wanted to untangle the knotted thread with my own hands and, for tonight at least, rest properly without any distracting thoughts.
Once in my room, I called the maids and gave them instructions. "Bring another chair. Place it so that Kalia and I can face each other directly."
The maids looked a bit puzzled, but they quickly set two chairs side-by-side, facing one another. In our usual master-servant relationship, it was expected for the knight to stand and wait, but today, meeting eye-to-eye was more important than formality. Once the preparations were complete, I dismissed the maids, leaving the room in silence. The transfer papers she had left behind yesterday sat on one side of my desk.
Knock, knock.
Soon, a knock sounded at the door. It was the rhythmic, restrained knock I knew so well. "Young Master, it is Kalia Crisia. Did you call for me?"
Her voice from beyond the door was calm as usual, but it sounded slightly more subdued than normal. I took a deep breath, recalling the sensation of my fingertips fidgeting with the teacup. It was time to speak the truth Mary had mentioned.
"Come in."
The door opened, and Kalia stepped inside, dressed in her usual neat knight's uniform. As she entered, she glanced briefly at the chair placed opposite mine. Since she was the type who would never sit without permission, the unusual furniture arrangement clearly piqued her curiosity. However, she simply stood before me with efficient, disciplined movements and said nothing.
I gestured toward the chair her gaze had lingered on. "Sit."
My voice was firmer than usual, yet calmer. Kalia rolled her eyes as if hesitating for a moment, then lowered herself into the chair with perfect posture. It was a rare situation for us—her, who usually stood behind or beside me, now facing me head-on.
'Ah, now I get it. Facing each other…'
In the silent room, our gazes locked. Kalia’s eyes remained deep and tranquil. What kind of emotions were hidden within those deep, deep crimson irises? I glanced at the transfer papers on the desk, then back at her face. I decided not to stall any longer. As Mary had said, I would stop killing my own heart to prioritize others' circumstances. I would simply let out my selfish truth, just as I wanted.
"I will not permit you to quit as my personal guard."
Kalia’s eyes widened at my words. It was a minute reaction I wouldn't have noticed otherwise, but because I was staring straight at her, I saw the tremor clearly. I was so focused on every expression and every breath she took that I could feel her bewilderment as if it were my own.
"…Young Master," she called out in a stifled voice. But I cut her off before she could utter a refusal.
"Whether the reason is self-reproach, a sense of burden, or some other circumstance I don't know, it doesn't matter. My feelings are more important than your reasons right now. I need you to stay by my side."
It was just as Mary had said. Sometimes, one's own feelings must come first. Usually, I would have asked cautiously, "Can you tell me what's wrong?" but not today. I pressed my palm firmly onto the transfer papers on the desk and pushed her.
"If you think your skills are lacking, work harder. If being by my side is a burden, carry that burden with you. I have absolutely no intention of letting you go."
The air in the room froze tight at my selfish declaration. Kalia looked at me with trembling eyes before slowly bowing her head. I could see her fist, resting on her knee, tightening.
"I am… a cursed body."
"Cursed?"
I couldn't help but ask back at the unexpected word. For the first time, a pained expression, as if she had been cut by a blade, appeared on her face, which was usually as calm and expressionless as a machine. Kalia unconsciously gripped her left arm as she continued.
"Because of my constitution, I cannot even handle mana with my unique ability, and this arm does not accept divine power well, making even recovery slow. That is why I was sold off by my family to Commander Giloburn. There is no way someone like me hasn't been cursed."
Kalia’s voice was shaking. Self-loathing, colder than the northern blizzard, permeated every sentence. Mana and divine power—the two pillars that determined the strong in this world. The fact that she had been abandoned by them seemed to be the chain that had shackled her for her entire life. Her parents were trash. That anxiety likely stemmed mostly from Kalia's family.
"It is a fatal flaw as a knight. How could I dare to stay by your side with such a cursed body…."
Kalia couldn't finish her sentence and bit her lip. I felt like I understood Kalia a little better now. She was afraid of being abandoned again. Just as she had been by her family. Just as I had stood precariously, reading others' eyes because I didn't want to be alone in this strange world, Kalia was tearing herself down for fear of being discarded again because of her flaws.
I stared quietly at her trembling shoulders and gripped arm. Mary’s words echoed in my mind again. 'Sometimes, one's own feelings must come first.'
She was right. I had no intention of giving up. If Kalia called herself a curse, I decided I would gladly keep that curse by my side. I stood up slowly from my chair and picked up the transfer papers I had been pressing down on the desk. Kalia’s wet eyes followed my fingertips. I almost felt my heart weaken at the sight of her teary eyes, but I had already made up my mind. In front of Kalia, I tore the white paper into shreds without hesitation.
I could see the torn pieces of paper falling, reflected in her tear-filled eyes. The scraps fluttering to the floor scattered helplessly, like the chains Kalia had used to imprison herself.
"I will not abandon you."
My voice rang out, low and firm, amidst the torn fragments of paper.
"It doesn't matter if you can't handle mana or if divine power doesn't work on you. What I need isn't a flawless knight, but a guard who will stay by my side."
I took another step toward her bowed head. "Your family may have abandoned you, but I am different. That body you call a curse became my shield, and that arm saved my life. To me, that is the only truth."
Kalia still looked hesitant despite my words. Her eyes darted precariously between the scraps of paper on the floor and my face. To end her hesitation, I grabbed her right hand—the one she was using to suppress her injured arm—and pulled it toward me with all my might. I intended to force Kalia, who was sitting, to stand up and look me straight in the eye.
But perhaps my eagerness had outpaced me. My physical limitations were clear. My reckless pull, lacking the strength of someone with a larger frame, caused my center of gravity to collapse without resistance. Before I could even react, Kalia and I tumbled to the floor, tangled together.
'Did I catch her clumsiness?'
I wondered if her awkward energy had somehow infected me. Fortunately, the carpeted floor prevented any major impact, but the situation took a strange turn. My hand was still holding hers, and we both ended up sprawled out on the floor. The ceiling that came into view was agonizingly clean. The heroic atmosphere from moments ago had vanished, leaving only the loud sound of my own heartbeat in the silence. And nearby, I could feel the bewildered breath of Kalia, who was lying prone next to me, still caught in my grip.
"…Young Master?"
Kalia’s voice reached me. It wasn't the tone of despair from before, but her genuine voice, truly flustered and at a loss. I swallowed a dry laugh toward the ceiling and tightened my grip on her hand. For a while, we both lay there in silence, staring up at the ceiling. The silence that followed the noisy commotion of our fall was strangely peaceful. Kalia’s warmth, contrasting with the cold touch of the floor, was transmitted entirely through our joined hands.
"Please… keep that promise."
The voice that broke the silence carried a hint of resignation. But that was enough.