The Weight of Departure
One trouble after another. Kalia’s voice was lower and more serious than usual. The clumsy, flustered demeanor she’d shown moments ago had vanished entirely. I bolted upright, leaning against the headboard, staring at her intently while ignoring the dull ache in my chest.
“……What?” I wondered if I had misheard. Kalia, who had risked her life during the goblin subjugation, was suddenly saying she wanted to quit as my guard? I looked up at her with disbelieving eyes. ‘Ah…’ I suddenly remembered something I’d forgotten. When Rona Scott was cornering Kalia, she had mentioned something about a transfer. The situation had been changing so rapidly that I’d let it slip my mind.
A transfer, huh… If the paperwork was already out, she must have discussed it with the Knight Commander. I didn’t know why Kalia wanted to quit. Come to think of it, I didn’t know much about her at all. It hadn’t been that long since she became my personal guard. I had simply thought of her as a skilled knight who silently guarded my back; I’d never had the time to look into her inner thoughts.
‘Could it be because of the goblin subjugation?’ The last mission had been a near-total failure, and the brushes with death she’d experienced might have been an unbearable burden. Even if it wasn’t a matter of individual competence but rather a series of unforeseeable variables, someone with Kalia’s personality would likely blame herself for that incompetence.
“……Is this because of the goblin subjugation?” I sat on the edge of the bed, asking while suppressing my emotions as much as possible. Kalia remained silent for a long time. In the heavy stillness, I waited for her to speak.
“That is not the only reason.” It was a short answer, but it seemed there was something more that I didn’t know. Even if I pressed her for more, I felt that the current Kalia wouldn’t open up easily. So, what was I supposed to do now? While I was lost in thought, Kalia pulled a sheet of paper from her pocket and slowly held it out to me.
I knew exactly what it was the moment I saw it. This was the very same paper Rona Scott had been looking at. Given the circumstances, it had to be the documents related to Kalia’s transfer. I stared blankly at the paper she held out. Of all times, she had to present this to me now, when everything was falling apart.
“Please, sign it.” A signature. A signature, she says. I wasn’t in the mood for that at all. My head was already throbbing from trying to pick up the pieces of a future shattered by Kyle’s midnight flight, and now Kalia had come to add to the stress. Of course, she couldn’t have known my inner turmoil, and perhaps she had her own urgent reasons for needing this document signed. But in this moment, my patience had reached its limit.
I had no choice but to postpone the decision. If I reached a conclusion in this emotional state, I felt I would end up resenting Kalia. “Tomorrow. Come back tomorrow.” That was all I could say. My voice was thick with unmistakable exhaustion. Kalia hesitated for a moment, then gave a shallow nod as if she understood, turned, and left the room.
Only after the sound of the door closing did I look down at the document in my hand. “There’s no answer.” They say troubles come in waves, and bad news was piling up, making me dizzy. I forced my heavy body off the bed and placed the papers on my desk, then returned to the bed and threw myself onto it. The mattress was as soft as ever, but my heart remained hardened and cold.
A day had passed. All night, thoughts of the future and worries about Kalia had stubbornly disrupted my sleep. I’d managed to drift off late, but I woke up feeling as though I hadn’t slept at all, a dull lethargy weighing down my entire body. Some might scoff at me for agonizing so deeply over “something like that,” but to me, it was a crucial concern. My plan to coast through the rest of my life in peace had already been ruined.
But what tormented me more was the fact that the few connections that made me want to attach myself to this world were snapping one by one. The fuel to keep the fire of affection burning was disappearing. When I first fell into this world, I had nothing. For a brief time, the ones who acted as a windbreak against the cold northern winds were Ron, Hans, the soldiers who grumbled while taking care of my laundry, and Kalia, who guarded my back like a shadow. The warmth they provided had been the fuel that barely sustained the spark of ‘affection’ within me, but now those sources were being cut off one by one.
I knew well that all that remains where a fire has gone out is a chilling loneliness. Perhaps that was why I was reaching out so desperately to find new fuel. Before I met them again. Before the four months I’d spent since possessing this body. That’s why I felt physically unwell for no reason.
I was currently riding in a carriage, dragging that exhausted body along. The rattling vibration of the carriage seemed to shake the complex thoughts in my head even more violently. “I am indebted to you once again, Sir Kahn.”
“Do not worry about it. I am simply doing what I must.” Once again, I was heading toward the center of the territory under Sir Kahn’s escort. I had a place to go. The scenery outside the window changed a few times, the carriage slowed, and soon we arrived at our destination. It was in front of that flower shop, the one I had visited before, still filled with that familiar scent.
I stepped out through the door Sir Kahn politely opened for me. The first thing I saw as I stepped onto the ground was Mary, who was watering the flowers. When she saw me, she stopped what she was doing and stared at me blankly. Then, Mary greeted me with a bright, playful smile.
“Is it been a while?”
“It shouldn’t have been that long.” It hadn’t even been a week since we talked about Ron. At my reply, Mary smiled brightly, as radiant as the flowers she tended, and welcomed me. Even though it was only our second meeting, she seemed like a truly good person. My heart, weary from the succession scandal and the Kalia situation, felt a little cleansed by that single smile.
“You can speak comfortably to me. I heard that nobles find it more comfortable to use casual speech.” The strange bond formed while talking about Ron last time lingered in the air. I didn’t particularly care whether it was formal or casual, but I decided to gladly accept Mary’s kind consideration. I wanted to take a breather, even for a moment, away from the cold and rigid etiquette of the North. If I wanted to make friends, it was right that I should be the one to reach out first. The soldiers who had approached me without hesitation were people I could never meet again. If I wanted to soothe the loneliness left in the space where the warmth they provided had vanished, I had to make the effort this time.
Perhaps it was because even Kalia, to whom I had sincerely given my affection after falling into this world, wanted to leave my side. I was desperately reaching out to another place. With the pillars I trusted shaking, I was unconsciously wandering in search of a new sanctuary. It felt like being trapped in an endless maze. Every step I took, instead of an exit appearing, I was overwhelmed by the hopelessness of being sucked into a deeper, darker path.
“……Yes, Mary. I felt at ease talking about Ron with you last time.” I naturally accepted her consideration. I continued, pretending to be calm. Whether she read the slight tremor in my voice or was just trying to match my mood, Mary smiled even more softly and took a step toward me.
“Me too. It was comfortable talking to someone like you, Cassian.” Her bright answer felt like a small thread thrown into the maze. Mary was smiling radiantly. Looking into her clear eyes, the heavy documents Kalia had held out last night and Kyle’s irresponsible escape felt like an unreal dream for a moment. In truth, I wasn’t in my right mind. My body was exhausted, and the word ‘successor’ was blooming like poison in my head, tormenting me. In the midst of all that, this flower shop I had returned to was a kind of escape for me. Because there weren’t many places for an outsider like me to go in this world.
“You said I could come visit again, right?”
“Yes, that’s right.”
“I have some worries I’d like to discuss… would that be alright?” I couldn’t look Mary straight in the eye because I felt so shameless. It was only our second meeting, and I was suddenly asking for advice on my troubles. I felt embarrassed just thinking about it. But Mary answered coolly, making my worries seem trivial.
“It’s fine. Listening to my story last time was like a consultation, wasn’t it? This time, I’m just the one listening. So don’t make such a face.” Once again, I was being comforted by Mary. To be comforted while hiding behind a child’s body—it was so pathetic that I found myself laughable.
“……Thank you.” I whispered softly. After hearing my thanks, Mary led us inside, just as she had done before.