My Guardian Is Way Too Strong!!!

The A-rank Guardian I'd just pulled — still warm, punched out through a probability from hell.

Right. A Guar. Di. An.

Which is to say, that pretty vampire wasn't going to be handled the way Casey had been a moment ago: a Breeding Entity tossed at me with an open invitation to knock her up.

"This one as well. Thou wouldst name me thy breeding target. Is that thy meaning."

"...Pardon?"

Which was exactly why I never saw those words coming out of her mouth. The corners of mine, of course, were thrashing upward the second I heard them.

Twitch— twitch— clamp!

I slapped a hand over my mouth and dragged my eyes down.

Oh, shit.

Melon-sized breasts straining like they meant to burst through a black dress plastered to her skin. Under them, a waist cinched so tight it was almost criminal, and then hips that flared back out hard, thick thighs and all.

If I could just... j-j-just... fuck that woman...?

Honestly, if I could spill my seed into a pussy like hers, I could die without a single regret.

But.

She's an A-rank True Ancestor vampire. I'm a worthless speck of a human lord.

Stroke my dick and make a move, and I might get turned into a mummy on the spot.

Favor first. Raise her affection.

In the end I shook my head and answered Valeria.

"No. That sort of thing is only for the Breeding Entities."

"Breeding Entities? And what manner of thing is that."

Valeria tipped her head a fraction. So even she was hearing it for the first time. I kept going, eyes on the window still floating in front of me.

"I don't really have it straight myself yet. As far as I can tell, my dungeon splits things into Guardians and Breeding Entities."

"I have existed long years as a Guardian, and yet never once in my life have I heard of such a post."

"Yeah. Well... the duties were split pretty cleanly, too. Guardians hold the dungeon entrance, and Breeding Entities, over there..."

I stopped. Saying they get ravished by me as casually as sitting down to a meal was a little much. Better to sand the edges off.

"In that Breeding Facility... they mainly handle the breeding duty."

"Hoh...?"

Valeria folded her arms.

Boing—!

......!!!

Those already enormous breasts shoved even higher, and my eyes swelled until they nearly popped out of my skull. Valeria wore the look of someone thinking something through in earnest, then opened her mouth again.

"Then a Guardian cannot breed. Is that thy meaning?"

"Ah... I wouldn't say it's impossible. There's no real restriction."

"Then? It is possible?"

"But who'd want to? Getting ravished, and impregnated on top of it."

"Well, were it an order from my master, I would not refu—"

She was about to say something more when the ground shuddered in the distance.

KRRRRUMBLE—!

A crimson warning window bloomed in front of my eyes.

BEE-BEE-BEEP—!

"Goblins broke in?"

What? Goblins were usually the monsters that crawled out of dungeons. No — this wasn't the time to nitpick where they'd come from. I had no idea which world this dungeon was tied to, but one fact didn't change: those goblin bastards were my first intruders.

The system was even commentating the monsters' mental states. Unbelievable. I had to stop them. Otherwise the Breeding Facility and the Living Quarters I'd just put up would get stripped bare by those beasts. That much was obvious.

I shot up out of my chair and looked at Valeria.

"Um, Lady Valeria. Intruders just showed up in my dungeon."

"I am aware."

Arms still folded, she flared her nostrils.

"Snff... Goblins. Some ten of them."

Incredible. Smell alone, and she had both what they were and how many.

"Whoa... how did you...?"

"Such is the foundation of a Guardian."

While I was busy wasting breath on awe, something enormous swelled behind her back.

FWOOOSH—!!

Vast crimson wings unfurled from her back.

Valeria glanced down at me.

"I need only slaughter them all. Is that it?"

"Yes. Kill every last— ah, hold on."

I raised a hand and stopped myself.

Is killing all of them actually right...?

Ten intruders, hovering around F to E. Even back on Earth, butchering trash monsters like that got you jack shit in byproducts. Say this place really did connect to another world. A world with its common sense rewritten, a world where chastity ran backward — no timeline anywhere was dropping mithril out of a goblin's pocket.

Fuck, the corpse cleanup would cost more than—

And then.

Ding!

"Ooh!"

A good idea flashed through my head.

Wait. Do I actually need to kill them?

Suppose I'd spun a free Guardian summon ticket and those bastards had come out. Only one of them was E-rank, sure, but this was still at least a hundred gold in profit. Catch the goblins, train them properly... couldn't I use them as guards, or as laborers?

I nodded and spoke to Valeria.

"For now, could you just subdue them and bring them in front of me?"

"What? What reason is there to spare vermin so low? Ah — of course, I do not mean my master. Do not misunderstand."

"......"

What was that last part. Was she stroking my ego?

"If they fight too hard, you can kill them. I just had a thought, that's all."

"Scheming, are we. Very well. I shall obey my master's command."

With that—

FWOOSH!! WHOOOSH—!

A thunder of wings, and Valeria vanished from in front of me.

"Sending her off alone feels a little..."

I turned my head.

Sssk—

The hellhounds looked busy sprinting all over the plaza. On the opposite side, three orcs standing around with nothing to do caught my eye. One was picking his nose. The other two were staring blankly at the ceiling.

I drew a deep breath.

"HEY!!!!!"

At my thunderous roar, all three orcs turned toward me at once.

"Uuh?"

"Gra?"

"Chweek?"

I wasn't sure they understood a word. Orders first.

"You saw my wife— no, the vampire lady from earlier, right?"

"Uuh-uuh."

"Grat."

"Chweeek!"

Nod— nod—

The orcs bobbed their huge heads up and down.

Oh. They do understand.

I pointed toward the massive passage I figured Valeria had flown down.

"That lady just went that way, okay? Follow her and help her out."

"URAA!!"

"GRARA!!"

"CHWEEEEEEK!!!"

The three orcs pounded their chests like they'd just been handed a festival, then took off in the direction Valeria had vanished.

THOOM THOOM THOOM—!!

"......"

Maybe it was the bulk. Just their running made the whole plaza floor rumble like an earthquake. By the time the orcs had vanished completely from sight, a new window popped up.

Ding—!

"It even shows the fight?"

My eyes went round. What kind of system was this helpful, and this stuffed with features? I hit [Y] at once.

Flash—!

A wide screen unfurled right in front of me, and the situation at the dungeon entrance began to play.

In an ordinary fantasy setting, goblins are nothing but the lowest of monsters. The goblins of the Irca Continent were a little different. Backed by intellect approaching a human's, and a breeding rate that put cockroaches to shame, they had planted a foothold on the continent's western frontier and gone so far as to found the Goblin United Tribal Territory — not quite a nation, but close enough.

And one of those tribes was the Lesser Tribe. A few days ago, they had dispatched ten elite ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠troopers to scout the pink dungeon gate that had appeared right beside their village.

And those bastards, right now—

Trudge... trudge...

—were picking their way carefully through the empty dungeon interior. They walked the dark passage until the tallest of them, the hobgoblin out in front, stopped.

"Krk... something's way off."

"Captain. What're you on about. What's so weird?"

"No smell of blood. No monster presence either."

A dungeon ought to spit out at least a slime from the entrance. That was normal. The inside was far too quiet. Then the blond goblin slouching along at the very rear of the formation butted in.

"Oi, oi, Captain. You joking?"

"Krk?"

"It's a newborn dungeon that just opened, so of course it's empty. Try using your head for once. Krk."

The Hobgoblin Captain's face twisted.

That fucker. If he weren't the chieftain's nephew, I'd take his head clean off.

The Captain swallowed his rage and was about to start walking again.

That instant.

Click. Click...

A woman's heels rang through the passage, and a woman stepped out of the dark.

"Hmm. An evolved vermin, even."

Skin so white it was nearly bloodless. And beneath the dress, hips flared with violent generosity, the kind that looked ready to pump out child after child.

Bwuk! Bwuk! Bwuk! Bwuk!

The exact center of all ten elite troopers' underwear swelled at the same time. ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠Before that overwhelming broodmare, driving the breeding urge insane, how was a cock supposed to stay down?

"Krr... C-Captain...! Order us to bind her, now...!"

"Whoa, she's perfect! I've never seen a human broodmare like that in my life!"

"After the Captain, I'm definitely the one who fucks her!"

The goblins looked ready to tear that dress to shreds and slam their cocks in on the spot.

But.

"N-nobody move. That's an order!"

The Hobgoblin Captain thrust out an arm, voice shaking, and held the pack back.

"Captain?"

"Why the hell are you doing this! That perfect broodmare is right in front of us!"

"Quiet... please!!"

Cold sweat was pouring down the Captain's brow. He was a hobgoblin, the evolved form of a goblin, and with intellect and senses far beyond an ordinary specimen he could feel it.

Viiiiing—!

The quality and quantity of mana spilling off that beautiful woman's body was far too vast. Monster-class, well past any level they could face.

And yet, despite the Captain's order, the blond goblin sauntered out in front of the pack.

Stride— stride—

"Haa? What are you even doing, Captain~"

"You crazy bastard...! Get back here, now?!"

"Anyone can see she's just a lost, weak human. Why are you so scared, krrrr..."

Somewhere along the way the blond goblin had already shoved his underwear aside, and he was stroking his erect cock with one hand.

Tap-tap-tap— fwip!

Precum drooled from the tip of his glans. With his other hand he drew the club hanging at his waist.

And then.

"KWAAAAAAK!!!"

With a roar, the blond goblin charged the woman.

"No, you lunatic!! You'll di—!"

"—Get pregnant like a good girl! Female!!"

The Captain reached out, but it was already too late. At the tip of that beautiful broodmare's index finger—

viiiiing—

—an arrow condensed from blood had already formed.

"Bang."

With Valeria's playful little sound, the arrow streaked out in a red line.

FWING—! KRACK!!

It blew the blond goblin's entire left shoulder clean off, club and all. He rolled across the plaza floor, screaming.

"K-kraaak! M-my arm!! My aaarm!!"

It had happened in an instant.

"Kreeek...?!"

"Gobkin... in one hit..."

The goblins behind him froze solid, and the cocks standing stiff between their legs shriveled in a heartbeat.

"Kkeuk... kkeuheuuk..."

While only the blond goblin's scream echoed through the silence, Valeria swept her gaze over the pack as if nothing had happened, then turned toward the Hobgoblin Captain trembling at the very back.

"You. Beanpole. Come forward."

Crook— crook—

She crooked a finger, and the Hobgoblin Captain scrambled forward and dropped to his knees at her feet.

Tadat— thump—!

"Please... please forgive us humble wretches!"

"And why should this one."

"W-we just... a dungeon opened beside the village, so we only came out to scout, we did!"

With that, the ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠Captain slammed his own head into the marble floor without mercy.

BANG!!

"Forgive us, pleeeease!!!"

In the hobgoblin's head, this was the only odds of surviving in front of that monster.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Seeing their Captain crack his skull against the floor until blood burst, the other eight goblins came scrambling over and threw themselves down.

"S-spare us!"

"We did wrong, we did!!"

Blood burst from their foreheads and pain-soaked groans leaked from their mouths, but not one of them dared to scream. Looking down at the spectacle, Valeria covered her mouth and burst out laughing.

"Puhahaha! Cunning little things, for vermin."

The laughter died. She nicked her own wrist, hardened the spilling blood, and shaped it into a dagger. Then she dropped it in front of the prostrate Hobgoblin Captain's eyes.

Clang—!

"Your groveling pleased me. Pick it up."

He took up the blood-blade with a hand that wouldn't stop shaking.

"Dost thou wish to live?"

"K-krk...! I-if you'll only spare us... we'll never forget this mercy our whole lives, we won't! We'll do anything, anything at all!"

"Oh? So that is how it is..."

Valeria pointed a finger at the hobgoblin's lower half.

"Cut it off with that."

"K-kreeek?"

To be precise, she was pointing at the Hobgoblin Captain's cock, shriveled tight with terror.

"Not thee alone. If all ten who entered this place cut theirs off, I shall spare your lives."

The reaction of the Lesser Tribe goblins was wretched.

"Krk... p-please, anything but that...!"

Some of them were leaking tears and piss at the same time, top and bottom. Others rubbed their palms together, begging to lose some other part instead.

"Our arms instead...! No — all four limbs, we'll cut them oooff!!"

"Kreeek!! M-me too!!"

Because to the Lesser Tribe, castration was not only the stripping of a male's life and rights. It was a grave criminal sentence: spending the rest of your life getting fucked by other males, an outlet for their lust.

Even against pleas like that, Valeria was firm.

"Lowly things, daring to bargain with this one. I shall simply kill you all."

"N-no! W-we'll do it, we will!"

In the end the Hobgoblin Captain brought the blood-blade to his limp cock.

Shring—

"Ugh.... hrrk..."

Even if he turned into a dickless onahole, it beat dying. That was the survival instinct of every living, breathing animal.

SLICE—! SPLASH!

"KRAAAAAAAAK!!!"

"What art thou doing. Thou hast not cut the stones as well."

S-SLICE-SLICE—!

"HAAAAAUUUUGH!!!"

"Puhahaha!! At least thou takest instruction well!"

That day, the proud elite troopers of the great Lesser Tribe were forcibly castrated inside the dungeon and sentenced to life as dickless onaholes.