Goblin Belly Steak and the Suzaku Guild Master
Goblin belly steak. It meant slicing up the bulging gut of that big-nosed bastard and grilling it. Why the hell did such a grotesque dish even exist? Was Choi Ji-ah some kind of British cuisine expert? No, wait. Even British food specialists would probably say, “Yeah… let’s skip this one.” As long as my common sense wasn’t broken, no sane human being ate goblins. Why? Because no matter how trashy this world was, it still had normal things like sirloin steak. So why would anyone grill goblin belly when perfectly good beef existed?
“It’s quite the high-class dish, but for the hero Woo Hyun-woo, I can certainly offer it.”
“Um… this is really a high-class dish?”
“You’ve lived so frugally that you’ve never even tried something this luxurious? How admirable, just like your appearance!”
Was I talking to the TS beauty I suspected of being a possessor, or some incomprehensible old-soldier type? Maybe calling her an old-soldier was actually rude to real soldiers. Sorry about that, Colonel.
“Sorry to interrupt the meal, but may I use my phone for a moment?”
“Ah, of course. Use your phone whenever you need it. Asking permission for even that—you really are quite polite!”
Leaving the delusional Choi Ji-ah to her own devices, I turned on my phone and searched for “goblin belly steak.” The results were pretty shocking.
From Peasant Fare to Noble Delicacy: The Recipe for Goblin Belly Steak!
Hello~ foodies! Today I’m posting about how to cook goblin belly steak. You’ve all heard the name before, right? (roughly !!! emoji) Originally, people thought goblins were completely useless except for their cores. Their corpses have been a nuisance for hundreds of years. Back then there was a class system, you know? Slaves had nothing to eat, so they started collecting goblin corpses and roasting them! Legend says that when Levinas the Fifth was on patrol, he happened to try one and fell in love with the taste~ Of course, he later died from a parasite infection. (roughly crying emoji) That’s why goblin belly steak became famous for being so delicious it killed Levinas the Fifth! At the time, many nobles died after eating it without knowing what a parasite was. But now, thanks to the hero of salvation Seong Jin-hyuk, the safe way to eat goblin has been spread, so there’s no problem at all, right? Just hearing the name goblin belly steak makes my mouth water. (roughly holding wine and acting classy emoji) But of course, if you don’t follow the recipe properly it can be dangerous. Following the proper method makes the texture three times softer and even more delicious! (roughly winking emoji) That’s all for today’s goblin belly steak recipe. Please like and follow~ (roughly waving goodbye emoji)
※This post was written with a small sponsorship fee.
It was a post where you couldn’t actually find the recipe, but at least it proved the dish really existed. What the hell had Levinas the Fifth done to end up eating that kind of meat? And why did it become famous after he died? I had a ton of nitpicks, but it felt pointless. After all, lobster used to be poor people’s food in America before it became expensive.
“Oh, perfect timing. Here comes a glass of makgeolli to go with the steak.”
“Have you lost your damn mind? Not only is it goblin belly steak, but why makgeolli instead of wine?”
What kind of combination was steak and makgeolli? I’d been trying to hold back, but this crossed the line hard.
“Just thinking about goblin belly reminds me of those big noses and I already can’t eat it, and now you’re pairing it with makgeolli? Do you seriously think makgeolli goes with steak?”
“My, it seems the hero Woo Hyun-woo has never tried proper high-class cuisine before.”
“Never tried it before?”
Was this gaslighting? Was she basically showing off that I was the idiot and she was the classy noble?
“That’s right. This makgeolli is a 72-year-aged vintage approved by a makgeolli sommelier. Even the current king, Levinas the Sixteenth, enjoys drinking it.”
They called it the Suzaku Guild, but they were clearly trying to rewrite my common sense. If I didn’t get out of this insane situation right now, I was going to lose my mind.
“Sorry, but let’s have the meal another time. I have a cute little sister waiting for me at home.”
“Oh dear, in that case I must let you go. Please make sure we share a meal together next time.”
Choi Ji-ah handed me a business card with her phone number on it. Was the master of the Suzaku Guild’s number really this easy to get?
“Yes, well then, have a pleasant evening.”
I was about to leave after saying goodbye when Choi Ji-ah stood up too. Her fake breasts, which didn’t jiggle at all, were extremely annoying. Normally I would’ve let it slide, but after she tried to rewrite my common sense like that, I couldn’t just ignore the breast pads.
“And Miss Choi Ji-ah, maybe put in a little less padding in your chest. It’s way too obvious that they’re fake.”
“W-what?!”
The face of the rigid old-soldier Choi Ji-ah flushed bright red. What? She could make an expression like that? It was actually kind of cute.
“Y-yes, understood…”
She’d been speaking casually the whole time and suddenly switched to polite speech. Why the sudden change? Was she that embarrassed about the breast pads? Thinking you wouldn’t get caught was the real idiot move.
After leaving the Suzaku Guild, I started to regret blurting that out without thinking. It would’ve been good to talk more with the master and figure out what kind of organization it was. If they were bad guys, I could deal with them properly later.
“No, never mind.”
Anyone who tried to feed me goblin belly steak and 72-year-aged makgeolli or whatever the hell that was had to be a bad guy. Still, there was a chance of retaliation, so I needed to assess the situation.
On the way home, I muttered carefully.
“Observe situation. Target—Choi Ji-ah.”
Then Choi Ji-ah’s figure appeared. Huh? Why was she crying?
“Why… does my chest hurt…?”
Choi Ji-ah had her hand over her chest, tears dripping down her face. What the hell was she doing?
“Is something wrong, Master?”
The door opened and a woman who seemed to be her secretary entered. The secretary’s eyes shook violently when she saw Choi Ji-ah crying.
“The master is crying… Is this a sign that the world is about to end?!”
Yeah, I had to admit that a combat power of 80,000 crying was pretty terrifying.
“Master! What happened? Why are you crying?!”
“Secretary, it seems… at the age of twenty-nine, I have fallen in love for the first time…”
“What?!”
What the hell did she just say?
“Actually, I was interested in him from the very beginning. I tried hard to act like I wasn’t paying attention while giving him a lecture, but my eyes kept drifting toward him.”
“When you say ‘him,’ you mean Woo Hyun-woo, right?”
“Yes. I wondered why someone so seemingly powerless would boldly join the goblin extermination party. Most people come just to get a few cores, but the moment I saw his face, I knew that wasn’t the case.”
“That’s true. If Woo Hyun-woo hadn’t been there, the party would’ve been wiped out.”
“So when I received the report from Hunter Baek Ji-hwan, my heart started pounding… My hunch was right. He had been deliberately hiding his power out of humility!”
No, that’s not it.
“That’s why I impulsively invited him to dinner. But he looked so flustered, like he’d never seen goblin belly steak or makgeolli before…”
Who the hell would have tried that crap, you idiot?
“Indeed. It’s natural for someone seeing such high-class food for the first time to be overwhelmed. It must have been quite the burden.”
It was a burden in a completely different way, you know?
“In the end, the hero Woo Hyun-woo left. He said we could eat together next time…”
“How rude! To reject the master’s invitation and just leave like that—he has no manners at all!”
Yeah, I’ll admit that part was rude. I don’t really have an excuse.
“No, secretary. Don’t say that. He was truly a warm person…”
What kind of nonsense was this? Was she a masochist?
“First of all, he was a caring older brother who had to hurry home for his little sister.”
She’s not my little sister, she’s the boss. A daughter-like boss.
“And he knew from the start that my chest was fake. But he didn’t point it out and stayed quiet. Then, right before leaving, he carefully told me.”
That was careful? Where the hell was that careful?
“He said something like, ‘It’s really obvious that they’re fake, so maybe put in a little less next time.’ It was more like advice. But I got so embarrassed that I’d been caught that I blushed and forgot my manners.”
Choi Ji-ah twisted her body shyly, face turning red.
“Secretary, is this the emotion called love? I’ve only hunted monsters for all twenty-nine years of my life, so it feels strange because it’s my first time.”
Twenty-nine years? Then it didn’t seem like she was possessed by the previous master. No need to act in front of her secretary.
“That’s right! I’m so moved that our master has fallen in love! I will devote my entire being to making sure things work out with the hero Woo Hyun-woo!”
I have zero intention of making things work out, what the hell are you talking about?
“If I become that kind of person with the hero Woo Hyun-woo, I won’t have to hear the other masters call me an old maid anymore, right?”
“Yes! Let’s both escape our old maid status together!”
“W-wait, you were an old maid too, secretary?”
“I’ve been single for thirty-one years…”
“Oh dear, you were in more of a hurry than me.”
“Not at all! The master must come first!”
“I’m so glad I have you as my secretary…”
“For the next meal, let’s go with something more down-to-earth like ox head soup!”
“That’s an excellent idea!”
Ox head soup I could actually get behind, but just because two old maids were cheering each other on didn’t mean I had any obligation to marry her. Besides, with Choi Ji-ah’s looks and ability, she could easily get married. She just never did because she was too busy hunting monsters. So why the hell was she doing this to me?
“Hero Woo Hyun-woo, my white-horse prince of this lifetime!”
And she was doing all this even though I was clearly a possessor with a pitch-black soul inside. If I had to marry anyone, I’d rather marry Eris. At least Eris was cute. Our age difference wasn’t that big either. Choi Ji-ah was a full generation older. Twelve years? I must respectfully decline.
“Well, at least I don’t have to worry about retaliation.”
That was a relief. If someone with 80,000 combat power started obsessing with evil intent, it would’ve turned into cosmic horror.
“I’m back, Eris.”
When I got home and opened the door, something flew out and hugged me tightly. Looking down, I saw pure white hair. It was Eris.
“…I missed you.”
“You missed me?”
“Yeah… I was so worried…”
“Why worry? I’m not going to die in Fantasia.”
At those words, Eris lifted her head. Her red eyes, filled with tears, shimmered.
“You’re alive… hic! I’m so glad… hic!”
“Don’t cry, Boss Lady. You have to show some boss-like dignity.”
At that, Eris snapped back to her senses. She pulled away from my chest and shouted with a triumphant expression.
“That’s right! I’m the boss! Hyunu, you did amazingly well! You brought me the skull of a goblin shaman for my sake! Kihihi…”
“That’s not a boss, that’s a third-rate villain from an evil organization.”
“I-is that so? Then what should I do…”
“Think about it properly. A boss should be able to handle at least that much, right?”
“Okay! Hehe…”
Eris smiled brightly, so I patted her head. The Eris who had been comforting and patting me just yesterday felt like she was disappearing into a dream. But whatever. People have their moments.
“More importantly, Yu Jin-ri, take a look at this. I brought all the ingredients you asked for.”
I showed her the goblin shaman’s head, and Yu Jin-ri jumped in surprise and immediately screamed.
“G-g-g-great discovery—!”
“What’s the great discovery?”
“That feather! It’s a phoenix feather! An ultra-ultra-ultra-rare item that can’t even be priced in money!”
What Yu Jin-ri pointed at was the orange feather the goblin shaman had stuck in its head.
“I’ll begin the research immediately. Hand it over right now!”
This… might have been an even bigger jackpot than I thought?