There Are No Unicorns in This World
Yu Jin-ri knew almost nothing outside of her specialized field of study. But the moment her area of expertise came up, she would get so excited that she started spewing words like a machine gun.
“The phoenix, you see, isn’t as grand as the vermilion bird, but it’s still a rare creature because it’s a bird that never dies.”
When Yu Jin-ri got like this, it felt exactly like hearing the word Pikachu and then getting hit with, “Wow! You know Pokémon? There’s this one Pikachu called Ash’s Pikachu that wears Ash’s hat, and let me tell you how cute it is…” and on and on without stopping.
Want to hear the full lecture?
“People often confuse phoenixes and vermilion birds, but the phoenix is technically a species while the vermilion bird is a singular entity. And the phoenix is an immortal bird that turns to ash when it dies and resurrects itself. Its body doesn’t actually burst into flames. The vermilion bird, however, is constantly on fire, has even better regenerative abilities than the phoenix so it never dies at all, and is known to possess incredibly powerful strength as well.”
Did everyone catch all that? I let most of it go in one ear and out the other, so I have no idea. So, anyone who asked about the difference between a phoenix and a vermilion bird?
What I wanted to know wasn’t the difference between a phoenix and a vermilion bird. It was what the hell you could do with their feathers.
“Anyway, so what can you actually make with phoenix feathers?”
“Ah! That’s a great question. Phoenix feathers contain fire-attribute magi, right? If you use them properly, you can create clothing with resistance to fire attributes!”
“So you’re saying it can take fire attacks without a problem?”
“Exactly! Depending on how you use it, you could also make clothes with cold resistance effects.”
“Can’t it have both fire resistance and cold resistance at the same time?”
“Come on, how could you make something like that with just one phoenix feather? Mister Hyun-woo, you’re being way too greedy!”
“Then let me ask this. Is it possible to take clothes that are already made and add new materials to them?”
“Ah! That’s totally possible. Who do you think I am?”
“A perverted, socially awkward nerd?”
“Wrong! Try again.”
“The person from the mind-body-spirit virgin theory who’s mentally a non-virgin?”
“What is that even supposed to mean? I am a virgin, you know?”
“Yeah, and if a unicorn saw you it’d stab you to death with its horn.”
“Come on, where would you even find a unicorn in this world?”
What the fuck? There are no unicorns in this world either?
We’ve got phoenixes and vermilion birds, but not a single horned white horse? That’s bullshit.
“I’d sooner believe that platypuses actually exist!”
“They do exist.”
“Wait, seriously?”
I don’t know anymore. This world is so messed up that I can’t tell what’s real.
“Whatever. Since it’s summer, just make me some fire-resistant clothes. We can think about cold resistance later.”
“Are you going to wear them, Mister Hyun-woo?”
“No. They’re for Big Sis and the young lady.”
No matter how much of a core combatant I was in Fantasia, if Eris died, Fantasia would lose all meaning. The right move was to do everything possible to keep Eris alive. As for me, I could just dodge any attacks that came my way.
“But you said you couldn’t finish making the staff last time. Did you manage to finish the clothes?”
“Of course! Clothes are much easier to make than a staff. You just process them with magi and infuse the power into the fabric and you’re done! It works with any clothing. Isn’t it super convenient?”
“Yeah, it’s pretty damn convenient. Way too author-convenient, honestly.”
“Author-convenient? Why are you bringing up the author?”
“It’s not something you need to know about, so let’s move on. Once you infuse power into clothes, can you transfer that power to different clothes?”
“That’s impossible. So when you make clothes, you have to get it right the first time with the exact piece you want, okay?”
“Is there anything you can’t do? Is there seriously something even you can’t pull off?”
“Well, with enough research it might become possible someday, but right now it’s impossible. I’d love to dress Boss up in all kinds of different outfits too! I mean, Boss is just so cute. The fun of trying different clothes on her…”
“That sounds pretty impure.”
“What?! Me?”
“I kind of want to take a picture of the look in your eyes right now and show it to you.”
Yu Jin-ri might have some seriously suspicious tastes. I should make a note of that in my mental memo pad.
“Come on, don’t misunderstand. I just thought that if I ever get married and have a daughter, I’d want her to be like Boss.”
“Oh yeah? And who exactly are you planning to marry?”
“Th-that’s a secret!”
The way her face turned red was annoying. Why were all these people who clearly had no intention of getting married acting so interested in the topic?
“If it’s a secret then I’m not curious, so forget it.”
“Y-you’re really not curious? If you are, I’d be willing to tell you…”
“Nope. Not curious. Go make the staff already.”
“Ah! Actually, there’s a problem with that.”
Yu Jin-ri’s expression suddenly turned serious. What’s the issue now?
“This house is too small, so I can’t bring the crafting equipment from the workshop. That means I’ll have to do the production at the workshop!”
“Then just go do it there. What’s the problem?”
“I-I’m scared! What if I get kidnapped again while I’m alone?!”
“There’s no Phone Cash and no Banana Man anymore. Who the hell is going to kidnap you?”
“For example… hehehe… ‘Oh, so you’re that beautiful researcher from Fantasia I’ve only heard about in rumors. I’m going to kidnap you and do all sorts of things to you!’ Something like that could happen, right?”
“What the hell is inside that head of yours? If anyone’s getting kidnapped, it’d be Big Sis or the young lady. Why the fuck would they kidnap you?”
“B-but still!”
“Hmm…”
Still, Yu Jin-ri had a point. Leaving someone with no combat ability behind by themselves was definitely worrying. Not that it would matter if any of them could at least protect themselves.
“Yeah, it would be dangerous.”
“Right?! A beautiful researcher like me would be in real danger, wouldn’t I?”
“No, I meant Big Sis and the young lady.”
“No no, I’m the one in danger! Me!”
“I know. I was just joking.”
Of course Yu Jin-ri wasn’t safe either. If we were being coldly objective, among Eris, Siz, and Yu Jin-ri, the one with the highest combat power was Siz. Was it because of all those high-intensity part-time jobs? Siz’s combat power was 10. But Yu Jin-ri’s was 5, so she was twice as weak as Siz. And Eris was twice as weak as even Yu Jin-ri.
“When you look at combat power alone, leaving all three of them behind feels too risky.”
“See?! It really would be dangerous, right?!”
“I get it, so shut up already. You’re being too loud.”
I couldn’t even make one joke. Even though her face was pretty, it was exactly because of crap like this that I couldn’t see her as a woman. I wondered what kind of man would ever take this noisy, nerdy pervert home with him. Most guys would probably just treat her like a disposable toy after looking at her face. Until then, I guess I’d have to protect her. She was a precious researcher, after all.
“It’s already evening anyway, so let’s all eat together, get the clothes, and then head to the workshop. Sound good?”
“Oh! That sounds great. How about we just sleep at the workshop tonight?”
“Is the workshop environment that much better?”
“It’s at least ten times better than this semi-basement place.”
Wait, then we could sleep in a much nicer environment.
“Why are you only telling me this now?”
“You didn’t ask!”
“Sigh… never mind. Just get ready to go out.”
“Yes!”
Yu Jin-ri headed into the bathroom to wash up, shaking her shoulders in a little dance. Women usually take forever to shower, so I figured I’d lie down and rest for a bit—
“Ah, that feels refreshing!”
“Why the hell are you already done?”
Yu Jin-ri came out with a towel wrapped around her body, water dripping from her hair. I checked the clock. Only three minutes had passed. You could finish showering in three minutes? As a woman?
“Why? Isn’t it better to wash quickly?”
“Are you actually a guy?”
“What? Even I get hurt when you say things like that.”
Even most guys would have trouble finishing a shower in three minutes.
“Hyun-woo! I wanna wash too. It’s hot.”
“Yeah? Then go wash up, young lady.”
“Washing alone is boring and takes too long, so let’s wash together!”
“No, young lady, you’re a girl. I’m a guy?”
“Doesn’t matter! I wanna wash with Hyun-woo!”
What was I supposed to do with a boss who had zero awareness that she was a woman?
“If Hyun-woo won’t wash with me, then I won’t wash at all!”
She was acting so childish it was like dealing with an actual daughter. What was I supposed to do?
“Ugh, fine. Let’s wash together.”
“Yay! Washing with Hyun-woo!”
Eris quickly stripped off her clothes and beckoned me over. Her body really was completely like a child’s in every way, so I didn’t feel anything at all.
“I’ll go in and take mine off.”
“Why?”
“Even if the young lady doesn’t mind, what about Yu Jin-ri?”
“Mister Hyun-woo, I’m fine with it. You can undress in front of me. I don’t mind at all.”
“Wipe the drool off your mouth before you talk, you pervert.”
“Calling me a pervert is too harsh!”
Yu Jin-ri pouted and glared at me. For a second I considered giving her the full “coco coco coco mouth” treatment. But if I did that to her like I did to the goblin, she might not come back from the afterlife. It was a shame, but I decided to save it for the day her durability got stronger, and stepped into the bathroom.
I thought the bathroom would be too cramped to wash together, but Eris’s body was so small that it was actually fine. So that’s why even poor parents don’t have space issues when raising young children. Kids really are tiny.
“Hyun-woo! Scrub my back!”
Eris pointed at her back with her tiny fingers. But the only scrubbing pad I had was a green one that looked like it would sting just by looking at it. Was this really okay? I carefully rubbed her back and—
“Eeeeek!”
Eris let out a thin, high-pitched scream.
“Why, why are you scrubbing so hard?!”
“I was being gentle.”
“Waaah! You sound just like my dad?!”
“No, I really was being gentle.”
“Stop messing around and actually scrub me gently!”
Swoosh.
“Eeeek! I hate you, Hyun-woo! Don’t scrub me!”
Eris’s eyes welled up with tears as she tried to snatch the scrubbing pad away from me. But watching her tiny body hop up and down trying to reach it was so cute that I felt like teasing her even more. Swoooosh. I used the pad to push away the arm she was reaching out with.
“Kyaaaaah!”
Eris’s snow-white skin turned bright red. Oops. That probably hurt a lot. Maybe I should stop.
“Huuuueeeeng… Hyun-woo is bullying me…”
Ah, she was crying for real now.
“Sorry, young lady.”
In times like these, you had to hug her, pat her head, and comfort her while saying,
“I just couldn’t help myself because the young lady is too cute.”
“R-really? I’m cute?”
“Of course. The young lady is the cutest in the whole world.”
“Hehe, then I guess it can’t be helped. But that doesn’t mean you can scrub me again! I’m only letting it go this once.”
What a shame. I wanted to give her one more scrub since she said it couldn’t be helped.
“But every time you hug me I notice it again—Hyun-woo really is huge, huh?”
What? What’s huge?
“You’re talking about my height, right?”
“Yup! What else would I be talking about?”
“You have to be careful saying things like that in the middle of a bath. It can get confusing.”
“Huh? You mean that other thing? Hyun-woo’s is huge too!”
“H-hey! Mister Hyun-woo! What exactly are you doing to Lady Eris in there?!”
“I didn’t do anything, you pervert.”
After finishing our perfectly wholesome bath without any problems, and after Siz—who had just returned from her last part-time job—finished washing up as well, we finally stepped outside.
“It’s so hot…”
The heat was so brutal that our showers felt completely pointless. Even though it was already six in the evening, it was still quite bright because it was summer. Buzz… buzz…
“It itches…”
“If you scratch it’ll just itch more.”
“But it itches! How am I supposed to not scratch?!”
There was also the mosquito dilemma. This weather really was the absolute worst in every way.
“Hey, does the workshop have air conditioning?”
“Of course! The optimal environment is essential for scholars! If I get soaked in sweat, I start having dirty thoughts and it gets hard to focus on research.”
“Pretty sure that’s just you. Anyway, do you have anything to keep the mosquitoes away?”
“I do! I specially developed a mosquito repellent that completely prevents them from coming near!”
“There aren’t any weird ingredients in that repellent, right?”
“Weird ingredients? Come on, of course not.”
Why the hell did that make me anxious? If it was Yu Jin-ri, she was more than capable of making mosquito repellent with weird ingredients. She was such a pervert that even if a unicorn got angry and stabbed her to death with its horn, she’d probably get found not guilty.
“I’ll trust you for now.”
“Why ‘for now’? What exactly were you thinking just now?”
“Nothing at all…”
“Whoa!”
I was about to say I wasn’t thinking anything when I bumped into a passerby. The person let out a sharp yelp, apparently in pain.
“Sorry about that.”
When I looked up to apologize, I saw it was a student in a school uniform. There were about four of them in a group. One kid with a sullen face—probably a lackey or a shuttle—was being forcibly held in a shoulder hug while the others pretended to be friendly. Their pants were rolled up at the cuffs and their shirt buttons were undone. They looked like delinquents.
“The fuck? Old man, you think saying sorry is enough? Do you even know who the fuck I am?!”
What? Did this guy want to get beaten up? I was debating whether hitting him would kill him when one of the guys behind him suddenly freaked out and stopped the leader.
“Huk! Hey, stop! That’s the Red-Eyed Mad Dog!”
“What the hell is that?”
The delinquent and I asked at the same time, both turning to look at the group. I had just heard a nickname for myself that I didn’t even know about.