Teach Me About Love. (8)
Teach Me About Love. (8)
My vision was blurry, not from tears, but in my head. All my thoughts were tangled up.
I couldn't see anything clearly. My wrist was still being held.
I kept telling them to let go, but they kept holding on.
"...Let go."
I said that, but I didn't put any strength into my arm.
I wondered if I really couldn't put any strength into it.
"I won't."
A short reply, as always.
She always stated her position to me firmly, and this time was no different.
"...Why."
I asked because I truly didn't know.
"You picked me up from the Gate anyway."
"If you just threw me away, no one would know."
"You're going to betray and discard me just like those other people, aren't you."
My mouth kept moving on its own.
Words kept spilling out like a car with broken brakes.
"If I'm useless."
"...Everyone was like that."
My breathing grew ragged, and memories from the past crept up in my head, as if they were right beside me.
The sound of someone's laughter ringing in my head was just unpleasant.
'It's okay.'
'I'll help you.'
Those words. They were the same as now.
They say they won't throw me away, but in the end, I'll just be used and discarded.
"..You too."
"...You're the same kind of person."
Reaching out to a pitiful person while drunk on a petty hero complex.
You have to be just like those irresponsible, trashy people; that's how I've lived until now.
You'll be just like the others, too.
As if reacting to those words, the grip on my wrist tightened.
It hurt, but it wasn't an unpleasant pain.
"...You make me feel good."
"...You pretend to help."
"Then you'll play with me, and throw me away."
That was natural. As I said, the world I'd seen only had people like that.
That's why I admired Seo Arin when she appeared fleetingly on TV.
I respected her for being loved by everyone, but not anymore.
To me, the current Seo Arin was neither an S-Rank Hunter nor a hero; she was just like the people I'd seen in the world.
"No."
"I told you, no."
The same words. The words I'd heard so many times.
'It's not like that,' 'Trust me.' Those kinds of words. In the end, Seo Arin was no different from those people.
She was just like the people who kept giving me false hope.
"...Liar."
As I thought that, I opened my blocked mouth, and it felt strange.
The corners of my mouth went up, though I wasn't exactly smiling.
It just happened that way, strangely.
"Hey."
The voice was closer now.
"Stop it now."
It was the first time. The way she spoke was different from before.
A single sentence spoken with real emotion, not the annoyance she'd shown until now.
"...Why."
"...Why do I have to stop."
An emotional side different from what she'd shown until now, but it was already too late.
If she had shown that side a little sooner, if she had approached me a little more honestly, maybe things would have been different.
"It's true."
The words that had already started coming out wouldn't stop.
Even though I knew I couldn't take back the words spilling out, my mouth kept opening and words kept coming out.
"Discarding me if I'm useless."
"...That's just how it is."
Because that was the world I had looked at.
Perhaps she didn't like my words, as the grip on my wrist tightened a little more.
A throbbing sensation washed over me.
"I said no."
"When did I say I would throw you away?"
After saying that, Seo Arin moved her hand from my wrist up to grab my shoulder.
"...Let go."
I said that to Seo Arin, but my body wouldn't move.
The gripped shoulder made it impossible to move my body.
"I told you I wouldn't let go."
She was close, too close.
"You're overthinking things on your own right now."
Yeah, maybe I was wrong this time too.
Because whenever there was a problem, it was always my fault.
But...
"...No."
This isn't it.
I can't be wrong about this, so.
"I'm useless."
"I keep being wrong."
"I keep breaking things."
My lips trembled, and I felt like I couldn't breathe.
The air and atmosphere, which felt so heavy, kept pressing down on me.
"So..."
At that moment.
"I said stop."
My body was pulled forward sharply.
My balance collapsed, and my body leaned forward.
"..."
She was excessively close, close enough to feel her breath.
"...Who."
A low voice, the voice Seo Arin used every time she called me.
"Who said you were useless?"
I couldn't answer.
Not because I had nothing to say, but because there was too much.
"...Everyone."
I barely managed to calm my mind and answered.
"...Everyone, they all did."
My breathing was shaky.
"So you too—"
The words I tried to spit out, even while gasping for heavy breaths, didn't reach Seo Arin.
"I told you it's not like that!"
It was the first time she had spoken this loudly.
Her words made my body freeze.
"..."
"I never said anything like that."
Seo Arin's breathing also started to become rough.
"So don't think like that on your own."
"...On my own?"
I asked back quietly.
"Then."
"Why are you being good to me?"
That was what I understood the least.
"Why don't you throw me away when I'm useless?"
That was scarier.
"Why do you keep holding onto me?"
The shoulder she was holding was still being held.
"..."
A short silence.
"...Do I..."
Seo Arin opened her mouth.
"...have to explain every single thing for you to understand?"
Words mixed with annoyance.
But strangely enough, that felt the most real.
Not the heroic image I saw on TV, nor the blunt image I saw while living together.
This current image, it was the most natural.
"...You."
A slightly lowered voice and a much more serious gaze.
"If you keep running away like that, you really will be discarded."
In truth, I knew to some extent that she was different from other people.
I was the one who misunderstood, was wrong, and ruined things on my own.
Unable to accept every one of her blunt but well-intentioned actions.
I was a coward who thought it was too heavy for me, so I just tried to avoid it by overlapping her with other people.
So...
"...I know."
Because I already knew these things.
That she was kinder than anyone I'd ever seen, and that I was of no help to her at all.
"That's why I'm leaving."
Making the excuse that this is the only way to hurt less.
Because if I stayed with her any longer, I felt like I would rely on her warmth.
But also because I felt like I would end up hurting her.
"No."
"That's not it."
"I told you I wouldn't throw you away."
Seo Arin said that, approached me, and took my hand again.
When her hand touched mine, my breath hitched for a moment.
"So."
"Don't run away."
"Let's go inside quickly."
The moment I heard those words.
Something inside me collapsed.
"...Ha."
A breath leaked out, and my face felt like it was burning.
"...Don't say..."
My voice trembled, for a different reason than before.
"...things like that."
My body trembled, not from fear, but from a different emotion.
The kinds of emotions I'd felt while being with Seo Arin all this time.
Similar, but a little different, the kind that makes my heart thump.
"Because I... start to have expectations."
It was scary.
That I might cling to possibilities like 'this time' again.
That was the most dangerous thing.
"...I."
My mouth opened, but.
I didn't know what to say. My mind went blank, and I couldn't think of anything.
So I decided to just convey the honest feelings coming out of my mouth to her.
"...I."
"...don't know."
"What's right."
"What I should do."
Maybe it was because I had shouted so much at her, my voice cracked.
Yet, I continued to speak calmly.
"...I hate being discarded."
"But trusting is... scary too."
So please, teach me.
"...Teach me, what I should do."
Tears fell.
These weren't tears shed because I was scared of this situation; I was afraid, but it didn't feel like tears of that meaning.
If I had to define it, they were tears asking for help, because my emotions were all jumbled up.
Because I was scared that emotions I didn't know were ignoring the world I'd seen and kept coming in.
"...to not be discarded."
Along with the words I spat out.
She pulled me into her arms.
"To me..."
"...teach me about love."
A quietness where nothing disturbed us.
But it was different from before.
Even though the space was filled only with quiet and stillness, I wasn't scared at all.