Teach me about love. (7)
Teach me about love. (7)
I closed my eyes, but it was the same.
There was no sound, yet strangely, it was noisy.
The same words kept repeating in my head.
They said it was okay, they said they wouldn't abandon me.
They said they wouldn't abandon me, they said they wouldn't kick me out.
Even though those words kept circling in my head, why was I so anxious?
Why did it keep feeling wrong, why did the end always feel bitter?
I don't know that, not for me.
"...Why."
The words that slipped out of my mouth were a question I couldn't answer myself.
There was, of course, no answer, which made it even scarier.
I kept feeling anxious. It was even worse when it was quiet.
Because whenever it was quiet, something bad always happened.
"...Why are you like this again."
I flinched at the familiar voice from behind.
It was a voice that sounded no different than usual, just a little tired.
But those words sounded a bit strange.
Again.
There were other words, but the word 'again' caught in my chest.
"...No."
I shook my head. I said it was nothing, but it really wasn't nothing.
"...I told you it was okay."
That phrase, I had heard it just a moment ago, along with the words about not abandoning me.
But.
"...Yeah."
I answered, but I didn't know if I could believe it.
"...Ha."
Another sigh. It was a short sound, but it felt strangely longer than usual.
My chest tightened a little more.
"...Sorry."
It came out again. I hadn't meant to say it. I had tried to stop.
My mouth always moved first.
"You, I told you not to do that."
"...Yeah."
I answered shortly, then shut my mouth.
I didn't say anything else.
I had quite a few things I needed to say and wanted to say, but I just couldn't.
"..."
It became quiet, again.
A time that felt like nothing, with only silence filling the space. But this time, it felt different.
The air was heavy, heavy enough to make it hard to breathe.
"...Seriously."
A small voice, almost like a mutter.
A sound just quiet enough that it showed a bit of consideration, as if not meant for me to hear.
But to me, whose body parts had changed like a cat, I heard every single syllable clearly.
"...What am I supposed to do."
That phrase.
"..."
It felt like my heart was going to stop. I couldn't think of anything.
No, I had too many thoughts. It felt like I couldn't do anything.
'What am I supposed to do.'
That phrase always meant something bad.
It was always like that; it was the phrase that was always said right before abandoning me.
"..."
I was suffocating, my chest was tightening, my hands were trembling little by little.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
"...Ah."
A small sound leaked out.
After that, perhaps my body reacted first, and it started to move naturally.
I had to run away. That thought, overlapping with the past for no reason, made it impossible to make a normal judgment.
'It's okay, we'll help you.'
'You're the same as us.'
'Don't worry, we're comrades.'
Back then, too, they said that.
They kept saying they would help me. They kept giving me false hope.
'But, isn't this a bit much?'
'This is enough, you've done what you could.'
'You need to secure your own livelihood.'
And after they filled their own self-esteem. I was abandoned, just like that.
The air of that day, the gaze of that day, the sigh of that day.
Even though nothing about Seo Arin in front of me resembled it, it all felt exactly the same.
"...I."
My mouth, which had felt blocked until just now, opened.
My voice didn't come out properly, but that was okay.
I had to say it, even if I had to force my mouth open.
"...I'll.., go."
I said it. Again, the voice came out before I could finish my thoughts.
The air felt too heavy, making it hard to breathe, but somehow, my voice came out.
"...What?"
And yet, the voice from behind was heard clearly—Seo Arin's voice, which I had been hearing for the past few days.
It was a voice that sounded a bit surprised, something I had never heard before.
"...I'm leaving."
I didn't know if I felt relieved or if the tension had just broken because of that voice.
What was certain was that this time, I said it more clearly, without stuttering.
"...Why."
The reason. I didn't know Seo Arin would ask me that.
The reason, huh...
"...If I'm useless.., it's right that I'm not needed, isn't it."
So, I only brought up words I knew. This was all I knew.
And I was a useless guy.
"What are you talking about."
Seo Arin would never understand, what it feels like to be a useless existence.
She said it to me, still with a voice that didn't understand.
"...Rather than being abandoned later."
My breath trembled, my hands were shaking like an aspen tree, but I spoke as calmly as I could.
"...I'll leave."
That was the right thing to do from the start.
Even if I had changed into a strange body, it was a body more livable than before; surely there would be a way to survive on the streets somehow.
So I would leave first, before being abandoned any further.
Before facing that miserable sight.
"Hey, wait..."
The voice from behind—I ran out without listening to the end.
The direction Seo Arin always headed whenever she went out—sure enough, the front door was there.
I grabbed the handle; it was cold.
The coldness of the handle made my body feel the chill, making my hands tremble; or perhaps they had been trembling since a while ago.
Click.
The door opened.
Cold air rushed in, a suffocating feeling.
The air outside, it had been a long time.
Just like that, one step. I tried to step forward.
At that moment...
"Where are you going."
The voice from behind, it was Seo Arin's characteristic low, sunken voice.
But I didn't stop; I had to leave.
If I didn't leave now, then again...
"Hey."
One step, just one more step.
"...Don't go."
At those words, my feet stopped for a moment.
"..."
Don't go, those words.
Perhaps the words I wanted to hear most from all the other people I had met until now, not Seo Arin.
At those words, my mouth finally opened.
"...Why."
I answered without turning my head.
"...Why."
I asked again.
"You're going to abandon me."
The words continued without breaking.
"If I'm useless."
"...Everyone was like that."
My breathing became rougher.
A little. My inner thoughts started to leak out, just a little bit.
"...You're the same."
"...You said you'd help."
"...You said you'd save me."
I gripped the handle tighter.
The Hunters I had met before all said things that sounded better than Seo Arin.
And yet...
"...They were all the same."
That phrase.
"You too..."
Words I hadn't been able to bring out until now.
"...With your cheap sense of justice."
"Making me feel so good..."
My breath shook at the thought of the past.
"...And then you're going to abandon me."
Until now, that was the natural thing.
In the end, she was going to abandon me too.
Even though I knew it wasn't true when I thought about it calmly again, I didn't want to admit it.
I didn't want to be swayed by the emotions I received from leaning on someone anymore.
"No..."
Seo Arin seemed to be trying to say something.
But I didn't listen.
"So..., I'll leave first."
I gripped the handle tighter.
That was the answer. I would vow not to lean on anyone anymore and not to harbor fantasies about things like love.
I didn't want to fall to the bottom again by reaching out for something I couldn't reach.
At that moment.
Tap.
My wrist was grabbed.
"..."
My body stiffened. Her hand, which had grabbed my wrist, was warm.
I almost looked back, fooled by that warmth.
"...Let go."
"I won't."
"...Let go."
I said it again to her words that she wouldn't let go.
Still, my hand wasn't released.
"...I said let go."
I said it a little louder, but still.
She didn't let go of my wrist.
"I won't."
The same words, the same voice.
The warmth touching my wrist was trying to make me look back again.
"..."
"...Why."
Because I really didn't know.
"...Why won't you let go."
"..."
My voice trembled.
There was no answer.
Instead, my hand was grabbed even tighter.
"...If you let go."
I said it, sobbing slightly.
My body started trembling again.
"...I'll go."
Definitely.
"...That's right."
Because that's the answer as far as I know.
But, even so.
"..."
My hand wasn't released.
"...Hey."
The voice from behind, a little closer.
"...That's not it."
I don't know what her words mean, spoken to me in a low, slightly rough voice.
"...Let go."
I said it again; now it was just close to whining.
"..."
There was no answer.
Instead, my wrist was grabbed even tighter.
I have to run away, I have to leave, that's the right thing to do...
"..."
My feet.
Wouldn't move.