Tell me about love. (6)
Tell me about love. (6)
It was a long while later when the tears stopped.
I don't know exactly when it was.
It just felt like they stopped because there was nothing left to let out.
"...Are you done crying."
I heard Seo Arin's voice.
A slightly low voice, one that felt steeped in exhaustion.
"...Yeah."
I answered, but my eyes, which I had been rubbing for a long time, stung.
When I inhaled, I felt a lump in my throat.
"...Stay still."
She said shortly, and without letting go of my hand, she wrapped the [Bandage].
Tuk-tuk.
It felt like she kept hitting my hand and arm, perhaps because she was unaccustomed to the movement with her clumsy touch.
"Done."
With those words, my hand was released.
For a moment. A little, just a very little bit, I felt empty.
Because of that emptiness, I stroked the place where Seo Arin's hand had just been touching.
"...Thank you."
It came out like a habit.
I lowered my head; I didn't want to show my face, swollen from crying.
If it were someone else, it wouldn't have mattered, but I didn't want to show Seo Arin my ugly side.
"...Stop it."
"Yeah."
"...You don't have to go that far."
"Yeah."
I answered.
But I didn't really know what "that far" meant.
After that, there was no talk between us.
It just naturally became quiet; neither of us said anything.
A heavier air than before had settled in the room.
"...I."
I opened my mouth first, because I felt like I had to say something, anything.
"...I'll be careful."
"I told you it's fine."
"...I won't break it."
"It's fine..., ha..."
A sigh, another sigh.
"Stop it."
"...Yeah."
So I stopped. Speaking, breathing, thinking, everything.
I forced everything down.
Because I felt like I would hear a sigh again if I did something.
Because I didn't want to be hated by this person for whom I felt like I was developing special feelings.
That was a little scary, so I held my breath.
"..."
Seo Arin didn't say anything more.
She just got up from her seat and walked toward the equipment.
I stood there, right where I was.
I couldn't move; if I moved.
I felt like I would be reprimanded by her again for doing something wrong.
"...Why are you standing there."
"...Ah."
I couldn't meet the eyes of Seo Arin, who suddenly turned around and spoke to me.
"...I told you to stay still."
When she was treating my hand, she told me to stay still.
So I stayed still, really.
I tried to suppress my breathing as much as possible and reduce my presence.
I wanted to stand like that, so I would be less of an annoyance to her, even just a little.
"...Ha."
A sigh, another sigh.
The sighs she let out were gradually becoming familiar.
That was so strange. It shouldn't be something I get used to, but I was getting used to it.
"...No, don't you know that's not what I meant?"
I heard her mutter quietly.
That it was because of me.
I could tell without even having to check.
"...I'm sorry."
It came out again; I tried to stop it, but I couldn't.
"I told you not to do that."
"...Yeah."
This time I answered shortly.
I didn't say anything more. I had a ton of things I wanted to say, things I had to say.
I just held it in, because I didn't want to be a burden, even a little.
Since this was the first time I'd felt this way about someone, everything felt delicate.
"..."
Time passed, and quite a bit of it.
I don't know how much time had passed; only silence filled the space.
Perhaps because it was too quiet, I felt even more anxious.
"...Aren't you hungry?"
While looking at the equipment, Seo Arin spoke to me.
"...Yeah."
"What did you eat?"
"...No."
"Then you should eat."
"...It's fine."
"It's not fine."
A voice that cut me off shortly.
"Eat."
"Yeah."
The conversation between the two of us wasn't long; we didn't usually talk much anyway.
I moved to the [Kitchen] to eat, keeping my footsteps as quiet as possible.
Perhaps because my body now included [Cat] traits, my footsteps made almost no sound.
I arrived at the [Kitchen] and opened the refrigerator.
The things inside caught my eye. Things like the [Bread] or [Milk] I had eaten a while ago.
There was a pile of food that looked delicious.
But I didn't know what to take out, afraid that I might make a mistake if I touched something for no reason.
"What are you doing."
"...Ah."
A voice heard from behind.
"Just eat whatever."
"...Yeah."
At those words, I reached out and took the thing closest to me.
A bag of [Bread] with three or four pieces left from when I ate it.
I naturally took it out and quietly tore open the packaging.
I tore it little by little so that it wouldn't make as much noise as possible.
I tore off a piece of the [Bread], which had become slightly hard, perhaps because it had been in the refrigerator for a long time, and put it in my mouth.
Even after chewing several times, I couldn't really taste it, but I ate it anyway. Because she told me to eat.
"Eat slowly."
"...Yeah."
I answered while mumbling the [Bread] in my mouth.
My eating speed was already slow enough, but I ate even slower.
In case she said something again, in case she came to dislike me and didn't need me anymore.
"..."
I felt Seo Arin's gaze; I had felt it ever since I first started eating the [Bread].
I don't know why she was watching, but for the first time, Seo Arin's gaze felt a little uncomfortable.
No, rather than uncomfortable, it was a little scary, because I wondered if I had made another mistake.
"...Why are you eating like that."
"...Huh?"
"...No, never mind."
Seo Arin looked at me again after those words.
The staring was secondary now; her words had been cut off in the middle.
That was scarier. It would be better if she told me until the end, but since it was cut off in the middle, I didn't know what was wrong.
"...I'm sorry."
Perhaps it was because my feelings for her had grown so large, but I kept shrinking away in front of her.
I wanted to show her only my good side, my cool side, and feel that pleasant sensation of being praised a lot.
"......Ha."
This time it was a slightly deeper sigh; it felt like my heart had dropped with a thud.
No matter how much I tried to change my expression, perhaps because of my depressed mood, it didn't change well.
"...Ah, no, that's not it."
"...Yeah."
"...Ha, forget it."
"...Yeah."
I only answered; I didn't bring up any other words beyond that.
It wasn't that I didn't bring them up, but that I couldn't.
If I did, I would be wrong again, and Seo Arin would feel unpleasant emotions.
Because she's with someone like me.
"..."
I finished the [Bread]. I wiped my hands and returned to my spot.
The place where I had been standing just a moment ago, I stood there again, just as before.
"...Why are you standing there again."
"...Ah."
"...Sit."
"Yeah."
I sat down, carefully.
I sat down slowly, being careful not to make any noise or kick up dust.
And I made my body as small as possible, so that she could pay as little attention to me as possible.
Because at home, if I curled up like this, no one would pay attention to me, so I thought Seo Arin would be the same.
"...If you're going to keep walking on eggshells like that."
The words continued and then stopped.
"..Ha..., never mind."
Another sigh.
Seo Arin only sighs when it involves me.
Her words ended there; she didn't tell me anything more.
"..."
I don't really know why she sighs, why she stops talking, or why she keeps looking at me.
But I felt like I knew one thing for sure: that I keep getting things wrong.
That one thing was certain.
"..."
I looked down at my hand; it was wrapped in a [Bandage].
A clean, white [Bandage], with a tiny bit of blood seeping through it.
I remembered the sensation of being held earlier; I remembered that warmth, which was painful but warm.
"...Why."
I muttered, quietly, really quietly. Because I couldn't really tell what was strange.
"What."
"...Nothing."
I shook my head; I swallowed my words because I didn't think I could explain it even if I said it.
"..."
And it became quiet again.
Once again, like the beginning, air with nothing in it, time that was nothing.
But this time it was a little different, a slightly more suffocating feeling.
I was just sitting still, but sitting still was harder.
"...I."
My mouth opened.
"...I'll become useful."
"...Just stop it."
And the words were immediately cut off.
"...Yeah."
I swallowed the words that would have followed again.
"...Ha.."
Another sigh; I felt like I was really going to get used to Seo Arin's sighs now.
I hated that; I shouldn't get used to it.
"...Ha, what the hell am I supposed to do with that kid."
That remark, she said it so quietly that I thought I wouldn't hear it.
Strangely, it was heard clearly; I wanted to cut off my ears that had become so sharp at times like this.
"...Ah."
I opened my mouth, but no words came out.
It's true that I'm doing something wrong, but I really don't know what I should do or how.
So I just stayed still, and didn't do anything else.
Because doing nothing seemed like the way to be less wrong of the two options.
"..."
Time passed again, I don't know how much time had passed.
It was just quiet, but that quietness kept.
It kept piling up, little by little, inside my chest.
"...She said it was fine..."
My emotions leaked out a little and popped out of my mouth.
"...Huh?"
"...Nothing."
I shook my head.
"...She said it was fine..."
I kept repeating the same words inside my head.
She said it was fine, she said she wouldn't throw me away, she said it was fine, she said she wouldn't throw me away, she said it was fine, she said she wouldn't throw me away, she said it was fine, she said she wouldn't throw me away, she said it was fine, she said she wouldn't throw me away, she said it was fine, she said she wouldn't throw me away, she said it was fine, she said she wouldn't throw me away, she said it was fine, she said she wouldn't throw me away.
But why, why am I so scared.
Why do I feel like I keep getting things wrong, why do I feel like I'm going to be thrown away.
"...Why."
This time, too, the words flowed out, quietly like a breath.
There was no answer, naturally there wasn't.
That's why it was even scarier.