Teach Me About Love. (5)
Teach Me About Love. (5)
Seo Arin didn't say anything for a while.
She was just staring down at me with a stiff expression.
That gaze felt a little... long.
"...Why are you like that?"
I asked for no reason. I shouldn't have said anything.
The words fell shortly, and her eyes moved very subtly.
An expression different from just a moment ago, a little stiffer.
"...Don't smile like that."
It was a short remark, a very curtly cut-off sentence.
"..."
The corners of my mouth dropped immediately.
I didn't know why, though.
Since she told me to stop, I had to stop.
The sensation that had been there until just a moment ago disappeared like a lie.
"...Ha."
A small sound of breath leaking out.
A sigh, it was the sound of a sigh she was letting out.
Seo Arin seemed a bit confused, so she pressed her forehead and spoke to me.
"...You."
"...Yes."
"You're a bit... ha, never mind."
"...Ah."
Her reaction was strange.
No, is it me who's strange?
I don't know what's strange, but it didn't seem like a good situation.
Regardless, sighing probably doesn't mean anything good.
"...Sorry."
It was a word that came out familiarly, a word that came out without thinking.
A word stuck to my mouth, a word that comes out just out of habit without any particular thought.
"...Ha... no, that's not it."
Seo Arin paused as if choosing her words.
That short silence felt long, because I didn't know what would come next.
Because waiting just felt scary.
"...I'm sorry."
My mouth moved first.
Now that I think about it, this was the sense of unease I'd been feeling.
I kept making mistakes, so of course she wouldn't be in a good mood.
I'm not supposed to smile at home, but I forgot that. Everyone hates it when I smile.
It was important, but I forgot it and was happy on my own, grinning foolishly.
"...I'm..., sorry."
My head went down, my waist bent naturally.
My knees buckled, and my face stuck to the ground as if it were being driven into the floor.
When I smiled at home, this was the way to get through it with less pain.
"...Huh?"
"...I'm..., I'm sorry."
My voice trembled.
Something felt like it was going to come out of the face that had been smiling just a moment ago, but I held it in.
Because I shouldn't spill this out, because then it would hurt more.
My chest felt heavy and my breath grew short, but I still couldn't show it.
Because I shouldn't get on her nerves, my chest kept feeling suffocatingly tight.
I thought my mistake would just be overlooked because of Seo Arin's kindness.
Maybe my brain wasn't working because of that warmth, so I didn't follow the rules from home.
"...I'm sorry, I was wrong, I won't do it next time, I'll be careful."
The words "I'm sorry" wouldn't stop.
I had to stop, but I didn't know where to cut it off.
I had never learned the timing for when to stop.
Because at home, I always begged until they stopped hitting me.
"...Stop, it's okay."
Seo Arin was flustered for a moment, then spoke to me.
And at those words, the trembling stopped with a tuk.
My body stopped at that one word.
"...Ha."
A small sigh leaking out.
That sound pierced my ears.
Another sigh.
Whenever she sighed, it was always when I had done something wrong.
"...Sor.."
"I told you it's not that."
My words were cut off.
A slightly lower voice.
"...Get up."
"...Yes."
I straightened my waist, but I still couldn't lift my head.
My gaze was stuck to the floor.
"...You don't need to go that far."
"...Yes."
"Just..., be normal."
"...Yes."
Normally, I don't really know what that is, though.
I nodded for now.
They don't like it if I live here like I lived at home.
Seo Arin was that kind of person; at least, she was a different person from my parents.
Then.
"...I'll help you."
If I help within the limits of what I can do.
Then wouldn't the moods that went bad because of my mistakes get better?
"...What?"
"I'll help you."
This time, a little more clearly.
"...Not like yesterday."
Again, the broken cup from back then came to mind.
"...This time, without breaking anything."
"...And cleaning up."
"...I can help."
The words continued.
They didn't stop.
"...Or... I'll just stay still so I don't get in the way."
Both were fine, because the result was the same anyway.
At least she said this is a place where I wouldn't be abandoned even if I didn't do anything.
"...Then."
I thought for a moment.
"...You won't hate me, right?"
Small, really small.
I said, as if muttering.
"...Ha."
Seo Arin pressed her forehead again, then let out a short breath.
After that, she shifted her gaze toward where her equipment was.
"...Don't touch the equipment."
"...Ah."
"...Because there are dangerous things there."
"...Yes."
I nodded.
Dangerous things, things I shouldn't touch.
The words I just heard, the words Seo Arin said. I remembered them all.
So I stopped my body for now and looked at my hands.
Hands with nothing, a state of doing nothing.
Like this, still.
"..."
This was a little unsettling.
Is it really okay to just stay like this?
She said it was okay to stay still, but if I'm useless, I'll be abandoned.
No matter how much she said she wouldn't abandon me, I didn't know if those words were the truth.
"...I'll help you."
I said it again.
"...It's okay."
"Even if it's okay... I'll do it."
A little smaller.
I said, muttering.
"...I'll do well."
"...Ha."
Another sigh.
"...Do what you want."
A shortly dropped remark.
That was enough.
That was permission, that I could touch the equipment.
I caught the corners of my mouth going up because she needed me even though I had made a mistake, and I nodded immediately.
"...Yes."
My body moved first.
One side of the living room, neatly organized equipment, swords, gloves, armor.
I approached carefully.
"...This."
I picked up a sword. It was heavy, much more than I thought.
Still, I didn't let go.
Sseuk.
I slowly wiped off the foreign substances with a cloth nearby.
Carefully, very carefully. I controlled my strength.
I shouldn't do it too hard, and I shouldn't do it too weakly.
Moderately, I tried to find that moderate middle ground.
Sseuk.
The sensation of metal touching my skin, my fingertips tingled.
My skin was slightly peeled by being pricked by the sharp blade, but.
It was okay, because this time I really wanted to do well.
"...It's okay."
I muttered like talking to myself, it was okay this time...
The slightly cut skin didn't hurt much either.
At that moment, my hand slipped just a little.
Ting.
A small sound of metal clashing filled the quiet space.
"...Uh."
My hand stopped, I looked down at the sword.
There was a scratch on the surface, a small yet clear scratch.
"...Ah."
My head went empty, I couldn't think of anything.
Was it because I heard footsteps from behind?
My head turned white at the sound of footsteps slowly approaching.
Because excluding me, there was only one person here.
"...Ha."
The sound of a sigh.
"...What is it?"
A low, husky voice.
That voice, as if locked from just waking up from a nap, swept coldly down my back.
"...I told you not to touch that, I said it was dangerous."
"...Sor...."
My mouth trembled.
"...I'm, I'm sorry."
My head dropped.
Seeing that, Seo Arin seemed to wake up from her sleep, composed herself, and said to me.
"No, I shouldn't have said it like that."
"...I'm sorry."
"...Ha."
Another sigh.
That tightened my chest more than my cut hand.
"...I told you it's okay to just stay still."
"...I'm sorry."
The same words were repeated, I couldn't stop.
The only thing I had learned at home was how to apologize.
"...Other people don't make mistakes like this."
That remark, amidst the words still scrambling my brain. Seo Arin's low voice overlapped.
Breathing became a little uncomfortable at those words, since I, a useless existence, had broken her things.
"Ha..., I mean. I'm talking about the people who take care of my equipment exclusively."
"...Ah."
Seo Arin grabbed my shoulders and continued.
"Because I can just leave it to them, there was no need for you to touch it."
"Let alone armor, I didn't expect you to touch a sword..." she added.
It wasn't a comparison.
It wasn't weighing me against someone else, just saying she intended to leave it to an expert.
"Since you said you'd help..., I naturally thought you'd just wipe down some armor or something."
"And I told you not to touch the sword from the beginning because it's dangerous."
Armor.
Not the sword, but the armor.
Is she saying that even just to be considerate of me?
"...Ah."
A foolish, short groan burst out.
I see, it wasn't because she disliked me.
I was just misunderstanding for no reason.
Along with that relief came self-loathing for misunderstanding on my own and causing her trouble.
"...I'm sorry."
"I said it's okay."
Tuk.
My hand was lifted by her hand, which was a little bigger than mine.
"Your hand."
Seo Arin's gaze rested on my finger for a moment.
The spot where blood was flowing out from being cut by the blade.
I tried to pull my hand away reflexively, but Seo Arin didn't let me.
"Stay still."
A short remark.
She brought a first aid kit from nearby and, with blunt movements, took out disinfectant and poured it over my wound.
Heuk...
It stung, it hurt.
But more than the disinfectant touching the wound, my hand held by Seo Arin hurt more.
"Bear with it."
Seo Arin grumbled and applied ointment.
Although Seo Arin was someone who showed the image of a perfect Hunter, smiling actively in front of people.
The touch treating my wound showed a lack of experience, as if she had never been hurt in her life.
It was awkward and clumsy, like a young child putting on a bandage for the first time.
"..."
I bit my lip hard.
It was partly because it was my first time having someone treat me, so I wasn't used to the pain caused by the disinfectant sprayed on the wound.
That clumsy touch, the hand movements that were moving even if awkwardly.
It was because it was touching something inside me.
Ttuk.
Tears flowed from my eyes and began to fall to the floor.
I could hold back the tears that burst out from fear, but I couldn't hold back these tears.
It felt like a newly felt emotion was dominating my body.
"...Sorry, I'm sorry... heuk, I was wrong..."
I shouldn't cry.
I shouldn't be a nuisance.
I know, but I didn't know how to stop, so I just kept crying.