Teach Me Love. (4)

The sunlight was warm.

As always, the light streaming through the window was drawing a long line across the floor.

I placed my hand on it for a moment; it was warm, just as expected.

The warmth touching the back of my hand was so cozy. Thinking it might get even warmer if I got a little closer, I slowly leaned my body forward.

"...Warm."

I muttered softly. Had I ever felt a sensation like this before?

I couldn't really remember; back then, I didn't even have the luxury to feel things like this.

Whether it was cold or warm, those things weren't very important.

Being hungry was more important, not getting hit was more important, and not getting kicked out was more important.

Having lived a life like that, there was no way I could have properly felt such things.

"..."

I pulled my hand back, because I felt like I shouldn't get any closer.

I don't know why, but that was when it happened.

"So you were here."

It was a voice that was starting to become familiar.

When I turned my head, I saw Seo Arin standing in front of the door.

"...Yeah."

I answered briefly.

She looked at me for a moment, then walked right over.

Her footsteps were perfectly steady, without a single hesitation; the sound of her walking was a little scary.

"Why are you sitting there?"

"...Because the light is warm."

I said it honestly; there was no particular reason to lie.

At that, Seo Arin's gaze shifted from the floor to the window for a moment before returning.

"I see."

A plain answer. She didn't say anything more than that.

And then.

Tap.

"..."

A hand came up over my head; this, too, was a sensation I was slowly getting used to.

It was an action that wouldn't surprise me anymore, so I just stayed still.

Since having my head stroked made me feel at ease, there was no need to refuse.

Stroke.

I liked the slowly moving touch.

As always, it brushed past my ears and swept down as if tidying my hair.

"..."

Sure enough, my heart started racing again.

Thump.

Thump-thump.

A little faster than yesterday. I don't know why, but my heartbeat kept getting faster as time went on.

It just happened whenever I was like this; my heart would race, and if I stayed still like this, she would do the thing I liked.

So, if I surrendered my body to Seo Arin's touch, I could keep feeling this way.

"...As expected, I like it."

Even though I muttered it softly, she must have heard it, as Seo Arin's hand paused for a moment.

"...What?"

"This."

I said, pointing to the hand on my head. To be precise, I liked the sensation I always felt more than the hand itself.

This was definitely good; I was happy because it kept me from feeling that sensation that ate away at me.

"...I see."

Another short answer, and then her hand started moving again.

For a moment, I thought of the past. Back then, there wasn't anyone to do this for me.

Someone who would place their hand on my head and stroke it, someone who would let me sleep comfortably, someone who would let me eat warm food to my heart's content.

Even when I think about it again, such a person...

"...didn't exist."

I muttered unintentionally.

Has it become a habit for my thoughts to keep coming out as words without me realizing it ever since I became this body?

"What?"

"Nothing."

I stopped talking; there was no need to say it.

It was meaningless to say it anyway, because back then, I...

"...was useless."

The words came out again, as if I were muttering.

It's a bit much for my thoughts to come out as words, but maybe it's because my body has become younger, I can't control it.

"...What are you talking about?"

With her hand frozen, Seo Arin's gaze came down.

I looked up at her for a moment, then averted my gaze downward.

There was no particular reason to hide it, but no reason to tell her either.

Up until now, saying it didn't change anything.

"From the moment I first ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠Awakened..., I was incomplete."

But my mouth moved first.

"I was told I was useless."

So I just continued, short, concise, and calmly.

"...So."

There was no standard for how much I should say.

Since there's no harm in saying it, is it okay to say it?

Thinking that, I just said it.

"I was abandoned. At home."

Calmly.

I don't need to mention that I played the role of Porter and Bait in the Gate, right?

She didn't ask about that.

‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠

"..."

"By my family."

There was no reaction.

I didn't say it expecting a reaction, though.

It's not like there's more to add, and while the story after that was long, it wasn't much different.

"..."

The hand on my head remained still.

The room became quiet.

Silence, where no sound could be heard, enveloped the space.

I also felt like the air in the room had become heavy.

"So... what."

I was the one who spoke first.

"...I think I'm okay now."

I said, tilting my head slightly.

"You don't kick me out here."

No other reason was needed.

That was the most important thing. There were no conditions, just...

"You said you picked me up from the Gate."

I recalled those words.

What she said when we first met.

'I brought you here, so I'll manage you.'

I liked those words.

"...You said you had to take responsibility for me."

So.

"...I want to believe that you won't abandon me."

Only after saying that did I feel a little relieved.

The reason was simple; this wasn't a choice.

It wasn't out of goodwill, nor was it about feelings.

You said you'd manage me out of responsibility for bringing me here.

She, who is everyone's idol.

"..."

It became quiet; the air in the room felt strangely heavy.

I don't know why, but that felt a little stifling.

Still, it didn't matter; this much was fine.

Because it was much better than before.

"...I, still."

I stayed still, then opened my mouth again.

"Getting abandoned again..., I don't like that."

I realized a little late after saying it.

That this was something I didn't necessarily have to say.

"..."

But it was already too late. The words had come out, and I couldn't take them back.

So I just continued talking, pretending it was nothing.

"If I go outside."

I paused for a moment; I had to say something to fix the words I'd suddenly brought up.

My thoughts weren't well organized because of the words that had come out so suddenly.

"I'm scared."

Even I thought it was a bit of a vague expression.

Still, it must have been conveyed roughly.

"...If I'm useless."

I brought up a familiar word.

"Because I get abandoned, that... I'm scared of that."

That was natural; it had been like that until now.

But there are things you never get used to, no matter how many times you go through them.

For me, being abandoned must be one of those things.

"..."

Seo Arin didn't say anything. She was just listening quietly.

So, wondering if I should say a little more, I brought up more words.

"So."

I looked down at my hands. Small, little, cute hands.

I liked that she seemed to like this appearance of mine, even though it's a body with no use at all.

"...I think it's better to be here."

"..."

"Even if I don't do anything..., you give me warm food."

"..."

"And you don't kick me out."

"..."

"And sometimes, like this..."

I stopped talking for a moment and raised my hand slightly over my head.

My ears, awkwardly caught by the hand I raised myself, felt a little stifled, but...

"...Like this, you touch me."

This was quite important.

Because it keeps making emotions I don't know leak out.

"..."

"If it's this much."

I continued slowly.

"...Isn't it okay?"

I was sincere; I really thought so.

I thought that this was really enough.

"It's much better."

Much better than before; I finished my words with that one sentence.

"..."

There was no sound for a while; it felt like some time had passed.

I don't know exactly how much.

"...You."

Seo Arin, who had just been listening quietly, opened her mouth.

"Is that..., really good?"

The first word she brought up was a question, a question that wasn't very difficult.

Since there was nothing difficult about what she had heard so far, I answered immediately.

"Yeah."

Without hesitation.

"Much more than before."

"..."

"Here, there's no chance of getting hit."

"..."

"And I don't get kicked out for being useless."

"..."

"And I don't starve because I can't buy food."

I counted them one by one, folding my fingers in front of her.

Looking at it this way, there were more than I thought.

"So."

I unfolded the fingers I had been folding one by one and raised my head to say.

"...It's good."

With a bright smile, containing gratitude to her for letting me know about these new emotions and way of life.

I told her the conclusion I had reached.

"..."

She didn't say anything; it just seemed a little different from before.

Yes, should I say her expression had become a little sharp?

"...That's strange."

I said that without realizing it.

Because Seo Arin's expression seemed to have changed a little after hearing my story.

"...What?"

"...Nothing."

I shook my head.

"Just."

But I didn't understand, so I just brushed it off.

"..."

And it became quiet again; this time, it was a little longer than before.

I just stayed still. There was no need to move, and I didn't know what to do.

"...I."

Then I opened my mouth again, feeling uneasy for some reason in the quiet silence.

"I could become useful."

"..."

"Not like yesterday."

I thought of the broken cup.

"...This time, I won't break anything."

"..."

"And I could help."

"..."

"Or... I'll just stay still."

Both methods I mentioned were fine; the result was the same anyway.

If I tried to help, she seemed to like it, and even if I didn't, she made me feel that ticklish sensation.

"...Then."

And before continuing, I recalled Seo Arin's heroic side for a moment.

Her conduct, which was loved by many people on TV.

Me, who is learning how to be loved like this...

"...You wouldn't abandon me, right?"

She said she would take responsibility, so she would.

Seo Arin's gaze came down towards me; this time, I didn't avoid it.

"Right?"

I asked just as brightly, as if confirming something obvious.

"..."

The answer didn't come immediately.

Seo Arin listened to me and stayed for a moment before opening her mouth a little later.

"...I won't abandon you, don't worry about useless things."

The short words that came out after that.

"...Yeah."

But that was enough; there was no need to hear more.

Because that short answer was a sufficiently satisfying answer for me.

"..."

Strangely, my chest felt a little more at ease. I don't know the reason, but perhaps.

It seemed like it was because I had received confirmation from her.

"..."

It also felt like I was in a slightly better mood.

So I closed my eyes for a moment, opened my mouth, and clasped my hands to my chest as if praying.

"...I'll do well, ...hehe."

I said that, holding back the laughter that was bursting out little by little along with a bright smile.

Although it feels like I've forgotten something important.

"..."

"So I don't get abandoned, I'll become a useful person."

After finishing my words, I inhaled quietly.

It felt like the inside of my chest had become a little warm.

The stifling feeling that had been there until just a moment ago faded a little like a lie; I don't know why, but ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠it was like that.

"...It's good."

That's how it felt.

Although I kept feeling like I was missing something important.

"..."

Nevertheless, I stayed still for a moment, feeling this current mood.

We didn't say anything to each other, but I didn't feel stifled.

Strangely, rather than feeling bad, it was, if anything, a little...

"......"

The corners of my mouth went up, just a little.

Even this time, I didn't do it consciously; it happened on its own.

"...Heh."

A sound like a short breath leaked out.

I was smiling, without even knowing why.

Just because I felt a little good, I showed her one of the few smiles I've had in my life.

"...If it's this much."

I muttered softly; wouldn't this be good enough?

Even if I'm useless, I won't be abandoned, and even if I just stay still, she treats me like this.

Sometimes, kindly.

"...And she even touches me."

I recalled the sensation of her hand touching me.

The warm feeling that seemed to remain on my head, just with that alone.

"...I think it will be okay."

I was sincere; whether this was what I wanted...

Or if it's just because I don't know anything more than this.

I don't really know.

"...Really."

Still, for now, whatever it was, it was good.

So I raised my head and looked at Seo Arin.

And a little more surely, a little more naturally.

I smiled.

As if nothing had happened, as if there were no problems at all.

Just as if I were intoxicated by being satisfied with this moment, right now.

"..."

I made eye contact with Seo Arin; even so, I didn't avoid her gaze.

This distance, this expression, this reaction—it's fine, I won't be abandoned.

With that thought, I smiled a little more.

"..."

However, Seo Arin, who saw my smile, ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠hardened her expression and didn't say anything.