Rolling Up the Scammers
Hey! Roll this bastard up in a mat right now!
There was no way a multi-level marketing outfit had only sent one guy to the county. I grabbed the necessary items, loaded them onto the shoulder pole, and headed for the government office.
“Hah! Hah! Hah!”
I pushed as hard as I could to cover the distance that took a little over an hour on foot, and my breath came in ragged gasps. On top of that, with the shoulder pole on my back, my legs were shaking like jelly.
“Huh? Tiger Boy?”
“What brings you here?”
Two guards standing watch in front of the office spotted me. The one with a matchlock musket slung over his shoulder approached and asked.
“Tiger Boy? What’s going on?”
“Huh? Oh, yeah. Hah, hah, something... great has... happened...!”
“Great? What do you mean?”
“Good... news. Good news. Could you tell... the magistrate... there’s some huge good news? Hah, hah.”
“What? What kind of talk is that?”
“There is. It’s like that. Hah, hah, just go... hah, hah, tell him...!”
Just relay the damn message! Why so many questions!
“Yes, got it. Tiger Boy. I’ll go right now.”
The guard who’d been watching with his spear dashed inside through the open gate. Seeing that, all the strength drained from me, and I plopped down right there.
Thud! Crash!
“Whoa? What’s all that?”
In sitting down, everything tumbled off the shoulder pole. I shrugged off the damn cumbersome thing and started gathering up the scattered items from the ground.
“Hah, hah, it’s... it’s all... necessary.”
“A club? Wait, you’re planning to do a mat-rolling?”
The mat I’d borrowed from old man Yoo next door, and several good thick wooden clubs perfect for swinging. They weren’t many items, but for a frail kid like me, they were way too heavy to lug around.
“Yeah, something... like that. Hah, hah.”
My breath was still coming hard, so I just nodded vaguely in response.
That’s when the guard who’d gone inside came rushing back out, looking flustered.
“Um, Tiger Boy. He says come back tomorrow. There’s a guest right now...”
What? Tomorrow? Tomorrrow? No fucking way. After all this hell I went through to get here. Make me do this again—hell, three times over?
It wasn’t just the thought of coming back tomorrow that twisted my face. Every minute delayed meant more victims for the multi-level scam.
“No way. This has to be handled today—right now. Honestly, we’re already too late. If we don’t act now, good news turns to bad.”
“Tiger Boy, if you tell us what it is, we’ll pass it on to the magistrate.”
“Won’t work. I have to tell him myself. It has to be me.”
No matter how I explained, the guards wouldn’t convey the dangers of a multi-level scheme properly to the magistrate. I was the only one who knew the real threat.
“You told him it was good news, right?”
“We did. Of course. But he said come tomorrow—what can we do?”
“Tomorrow’s too late! It’ll be too late!”
“Still, nothing we can do, Tiger Boy. Just tell us what the good news is?”
“No, it’s...”
While sitting and waiting, my breathing had steadied a bit. I hoisted the shoulder pole back up and stood, asking one more time.
“You really can’t?”
“No, Tiger Boy.”
“Fine. Got it. I’ll come back tomorrow.”
“Thank you, Tiger Boy.”
“But, uh, could you... fetch me some water? It was tough coming all the way from Hwacheok Village. Sorry.”
“Sure thing. Right away.”
This time, the guy with the musket went inside. I readjusted the pole in case anything spilled and asked the remaining guard.
“By the way, why are you speaking so formally to me?”
“Oh come on, how could we speak casually to Tiger Boy?”
“It’s just a nickname. I’m still a little kid. Speak casually.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah. And, mister.”
“Yeah? What?”
“Sorry!”
“Huh?!”
I seized the moment of his distraction and bolted through the gate. Crossing the office courtyard, I yelled at the top of my lungs.
“Good news! Good news! I’ve brought good news! Magistrate, sir! Good news! Good news! Goooood neeeeews!”
“Aigoo! Aigoo, Tiger Boy! You can’t do this!”
The guard chased after me and caught up. He tried dragging me out, but the damage was done.
“Hm? Si-jin. Didn’t I say come tomorrow?”
Right then, the magistrate and his clerks were gathered on the office porch. Including Hyeong-bang and Ui-won, who were pushing their own successors, and someone I’d never seen before.
“Magistrate, sir! I’ve brought news that’ll be a huge boon to you! Please hear me out!”
I dropped the shoulder pole like a sack and prostrated myself. Before they could even ask what the news was, I spilled it.
“You must arrest or expel the merchants from the Honji Merchant Group right now! Otherwise, this good news will turn to disaster and plague you and the people of this county!”
“...”
No response. Had I failed? Just as that thought crossed my mind, the magistrate sighed wearily.
“Haaa, what is it? What’s going on?”
Why’s he acting so annoyed? His attitude rubbed me the wrong way, but I was grateful he was at least listening. Catching my breath, I lifted my head to explain the multi-level scam.
“You little shit!”
That is, until one of the men on the porch jumped up.
“Who the hell are you to tell our merchant group to get out!”
He looked like a high-up from Honji Merchant Group. In other words, the head scammer. Just you wait, you fucking prick.
“Magistrate, sir! How can you listen to a child? No need for that! Beat this bald thunderbolt kid and toss him out—”
“You.”
“Y-yes? Magistrate, sir?”
“Did I tell you to speak?”
Looked like I hadn’t wasted my time in Joseon after all. The moment that prick insulted me, the magistrate’s eyes flashed, and the other clerks and the doctor glared at the scammer with clear displeasure.
“M-Magistrate, my lord. That’s not—”
“And this boy is famous around here for his wits, and His Majesty himself awarded him for filial piety. If such a child comes rushing in, shouldn’t we hear why?”
“Y-yes, Magistrate.”
“Right. Si-jin.”
The magistrate, who’d silenced the scammer boss without rising, looked down at me calmly.
“What’s this good news you brought?”
“What could be better news than alerting the capital to Your Excellency’s stern justice and keen insight?”
“I asked what it is.”
“Exposing this man’s fraudulent deeds in detail and saving the innocent people.”
The one I pointed to was, naturally, the scammer prick. Stung right in the heart, he couldn’t stay quiet.
“Th-that, that kid...!”
“You, stay put. It’s just a child talking, after all. Go on, Si-jin.”
“Thank you, Magistrate.”
The magistrate blocked the scammer who looked ready to lunge. I thanked him, stood up, scanned the people on the porch, and spoke.
“Magistrate, sir. Did this man perhaps recommend that you and the clerks buy daily goods from him? In bulk, at cheap prices?”
“He did. How do you know?”
“Because that’s the bait. The core of this crime is recruitment. Didn’t he say you could make money by joining his merchant group? And asked for a joining fee?”
“Hm. Yes, he did. Ten nyang for membership. Ten nyang?! Our house only cost five! That fucking scammer prick! Wait, yeah, he is a scammer prick.
“Wh-what’s wrong with that!”
Stay quiet and you’re halfway there, but the scammer prick apparently didn’t know that. He jabbed a finger at me without even sitting back down.
“Just pay the membership fee, and you’ll save a hundred nyang! No, a thousand!”
“Does that even make sense?”
“What?”
“You already paid ten nyang—how do you save money?”
“You can buy our merchant group’s goods up to thirty percent cheaper than other merchants!”
“And the quality?”
“Superior quality too! See for yourself!”
“How can we trust samples? You’ll take the money first and send rotten crap later, right? Exactly the amount ordered.”
“How do you know that!”
How do I know? ‘Cause my mom fell for it! Not this world’s mom—the one from modern times. She was thrilled about the cheap stuff, but what arrived was garbage: toothpaste that smelled like shoe polish, shampoo that stung the scalp, soap that didn’t dissolve in water, body lotion that gave you hives.
“Fine. Just maybe, one in ten thousand chance, the goods are good. But that’s not the problem.”
But the real victims weren’t us. It was Mom’s friend pushing the sales. That auntie borrowed money to peddle it door-to-door, went bust, vanished, and never showed up again till I died.
“When you pay the membership fee, how much do you keep? How much goes up the chain? Aren’t there periodic fees? Don’t you have to recruit new members?”
“Ugh, kuh...!”
“Why no answer? You were answering fine before. How much more do you pay to level up? And do higher levels even give benefits?”
“...!”
“No answer again? I’ll take that as yes. Answer me.”
“Heh, you must be eating all the profits yourself, huh?”
The last line came not from the scammer prick, but the magistrate. He looked up at the standing scammer and asked.
“You. Is what the boy says true?”
“W-well, there is a clause about recruiting one per month, but! Recruiting anyone around you is no problem at all.”
“And the periodic fees clause?”
“Th-there is one, but only if you fail to recruit new members. That’s no problem eith—”
“Si-jin.”
As the scammer dragged on, the magistrate’s face reddened. He cut him off without hearing the end and pointed at the mat and clubs I’d brought.
“Mind if I borrow those for a bit?”
“I borrowed them myself, so I can’t lend long.”
“Haha, I’ll use ‘em quick and return.”
The magistrate smiled, but only briefly.
“Hey! Roll this bastard up in a mat right now!”
“M-Magistrate! It’s a m-misunderstanding! Let me explain—”
“You’re dead today, asshole!”
“Si-jin! Thanks! I’ll send candy to your house later!”
The clerks on the porch—not the guards—heard the magistrate’s order. The ones who’d nearly lost money flushed red and dragged the scammer down. Serves you right. Oh, right.
“Magistrate, sir! There’s more!”
“What?”
“It’s a group! The other Honji merchants are surely doing the same—hurry and round them up for mat-rolling!”
“Right! Hey! Guards, arrest every last Honji merchant!”
The guards who’d gathered in the courtyard one by one to watch rushed out on the magistrate’s command. And I watched the scammer get his mat-rolling with great satisfaction.
Whack! Thwack! Crack!
“Aaaagh! Aigoo! Sp-spare me! Aaaagh! Ack! I’m sorry! Mercy!”
“Who said we’re killing you? Take this!”
Honestly, I brought that for myself. If I was wrong, roll me up. But hey. All’s well that ends well.