Chapter 109
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Translator: penny
Chapter: 109
Chapter Title: The Mayor and the Zoo
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Friday had finally arrived.
The promised day granted only to those who endured the torment from Monday through Thursday.
Like a savior descending, like a prophesied fate coming true, Friday appeared before me.
As quitting time drew near, the density of time changed.
A second stretching like a minute, a minute like an hour—the empirical proof of relativity.
Einstein must have perfected his theory while enduring Friday afternoons.
I waited only for quitting time, becoming one with the sofa.
No, "one" wasn't enough. I was the sofa, and the sofa was me.
Object and self as one. The ultimate realm pursued by Eastern philosophy, achieved by me on the mayor's office sofa.
And on my stomach lay Nero, boasting 100% synchronization with me.
We breathed like a single organism, sharing our utter boredom with the world.
Just then, the TV documentary featured penguins.
Slithering belly-first across Antarctica's pristine ice.
Leaping into cold water to snatch a fish, then climbing back ashore to stand blankly.
A lifestyle devoid of purpose, duty, or responsibility.
That was it. That was the ultimate realm all creatures should pursue.
The freedom to do nothing. A way of life complete in mere existence.
"Nero, in my next life, I want to be born a penguin."
Nyaaang.
This guy doesn't grasp the depth of my anguish at all.
"Look at that noble posture. No work. No taxes. No paperwork torment. It just exists. Fulfilling its role through existence alone. Perfect. The consummate life form."
Grrr.
"I've decided. This weekend, I'll set out to learn. I'll cast off worldly worries and seek wisdom from nature's great teachers. Thus, I'll master the aesthetics of sloth and awaken to the truth of laziness!"
Destination: Neo Incheon Grand Park.
In other words, the zoo.
From penguins, inaction in harmony with nature. From sloths, slow life. From koalas, the art of sleep.
Saturday morning. Inside the official car slicing through crisp air.
"Alright, Nero. Take a good look. Today's journey will follow the footsteps of great nature, a pilgrim's path exploring life's essence."
I declared this from the back seat, leaning comfortably with Nero sitting obediently on my lap.
"First, the penguin corner. We'll learn the aesthetics of 'non-action' from their idle ways. Lunch at the food court, then afternoon audience with sloths and koalas. Those are the sages at the pinnacle of laziness."
I finished my speech and sought Nero's approval.
"Understood. I'll humbly receive Your Honor's profound intent and approach this with a learner's mindset."
"That's the spirit, excellent attitude... Huh?"
Hold on.
Who just answered that?
I turned my head slowly, like a creaky robot.
The passenger seat of the official car.
There sat someone who absolutely shouldn't be there.
Not her usual sharp black suit.
White T-shirt and comfy jeans. Her long pale pink hair sparkled in the morning sun.
My capable, beautiful, devilish secretary, Seria Park.
"Gahhh! Why are you here?!"
My scream made the driver's shoulders twitch.
Sorry, but this is a justified shriek.
"It's Saturday! The weekend! Sacred, inviolable personal time! This is my private outing!"
"Using an official car for a private outing is already a bad start."
Seria met my eyes in the rearview mirror and said calmly.
"And how did you end up here?!"
"Nero invited me."
What?
I stared incredulously at the cat on my lap.
Nero looked up at me innocently, then meowed triumphantly at Seria.
Meow!
That brazen tone, like "Yeah, I did. So what?"
"Traitor cat! Forgot the churu I fed you yesterday already?!"
"Yesterday, Nero meowed at me desperately. Worried you'd get lost alone, cause a scene at the food court, or end up on a missing persons broadcast."
"Th-that's ridiculous...!"
"And above all... who knows what accident you'd cause left alone. Inciting a zoo breakout, forming a labor union with zookeepers, or promising penguins voting rights."
"Am I some lunatic?!"
"Yes."
Nyaaang-
Nero meowed vigorously in agreement with Seria.
I was utterly isolated. Secretary-cat combo attack.
"For Your Honor's perfect weekend, I've specially made time to accompany you. Be honored."
This was clearly Seria's cunning plot to sabotage my laziness pilgrimage.
We're doomed.
My sacred pilgrim's path had devolved into an impure zoo date from the start.
We arrived at the penguin exhibit.
Beyond the glass wall, dozens of penguins waddled. Gentlemen in black tuxedos.
"That's Emperor Penguin Edward. Ten years old this year, the oldest in the zoo's penguin collection. Averages twelve hours of sleep daily, thirty minutes eating, spends the rest standing blankly like that."
The zookeeper's explanation rang in my ears.
Among the flock, one stood out with majestic bulk.
That was Edward.
While others huddled for warmth or waddled on short legs, Edward stood alone steadfastly.
Without the slightest twitch.
Noble, dignified, overwhelmingly lazy.
"Magnificent... That's imperial poise. Minimizing unnecessary movement, proving worth through existence alone. The realm I've sought."
"Isn't it just sleepy? Or overate fish last night and has indigestion?"
Seria doused my.
"No! That's a sage's leisure, insight into life's essence! Depth invisible to a dry soul like yours!"
"Same expression as when you're sprawled on the sofa, Your Honor."
As we bickered, Nero slipped from my arms to the glass.
Raised a front paw and meowed shortly at Edward.
Meow.
That instant.
Edward's unmoving head turned slowly, very slowly.
Its black eyes fixed precisely on Nero.
Then it slightly lifted a stubby wing.
Imperial audience granted.
"Ooh... Nero! The penguin emperor recognizes you! As expected, kings sense each other!"
"Animal rapport often defies science. Maybe smelled kin in Nero."
"Kin? How are penguins and cats kin?!"
"Both fish maniacs."
Seria said, gently petting Nero's head.
Nero rubbed against her hand contentedly.
You fawning furball.
Thus, chapter one of my "Laziness Pilgrimage" ended without insight, foiled by Seria's interference and Nero's betrayal.
Next stop: the big cats.
Tiger. Jungle king. Absolute predator whose roar shakes the forest.
But our caged tiger lounged atop a rock, yawning incessantly with a "world's too bothersome" look.
"Has this tiger attained enlightenment too?"
I muttered.
"Sage tiger realizing kingship's futility... Grasped truth that napping peacefully trumps violent rule..."
"Seems just full."
Seria doused again.
"Zookeeper fed it ten kilos of beef this morning."
"Even so! That languor must have philosophical roots..."
Nyowong-
Right then.
Nero leaped from my arms again.
Approached the tiger cage bars, arched its back like a bow, fur bristling.
Hissss-!
Tricolor cat's light growl.
The napping tiger startled, head snapping up.
Its eyes widened at Nero.
Next moment.
Eek!
The jungle king shrieked at a cat and retreated.
Then tucked tail, fled to corner, buried head behind rock, trembling.
"......"
Onlookers gaped, stunned.
Tiger scared of a cat.
Nature's order inverted. Food chain reversed. Demonic revolution!
Nero returned proudly, tail high.
Like saying, "Saw that? I'm king of this turf."
"Felt apex predator aura from Nero. Wild instincts can't lie."
Seria said nonchalantly.
We left the chaotic big cat exhibit for the next spot.
The pilgrim's path veered wildly off course.
"Hey, Your Honor."
At the giraffe enclosure, watching one stretch its long neck for leaves, Seria suddenly said.
"You're like a giraffe."
"What? Me? Why?"
"Always waiting neck-out for weekends."
"......"
Spot on.
Monday to Friday, I wait for weekends like a giraffe.
With neck-stretching desperation, aching longing.
But I couldn't just take it. Time for counterattack.
"Then you're a snake! Cold, inscrutable, striking at any gap!"
"I'll take that as a compliment. Snakes symbolize wisdom too."
Seria said with a straight face.
We moved to the next area: koala exhibit.
Gray furball dangling motionless from a tree, asleep.
I spoke reverently at the sight.
"Look, Seria. That's life's truth. Twenty hours sleep daily. Four hours eating. Zero other activity. Perfect energy conservation."
"Totally you."
"What?"
"Too lazy to move, clings to the same tree lifelong."
"Th-that's... exactly it! That's the essence I pursue! Behold the noble avatar of sloth! Twenty hours sleep—how efficient! Awake four hours solely for minimal nutrition, rest all recovery! Perfect!"
Seria eyed me pityingly.
"Nothing to brag about. Koalas have almost no brain folds, can't think complexly. Oh, and they fall from trees when stressed. Just like you rolling off your chair mid-approval."
"Hey! That's too much!"
"And here: 'Koalas uniquely digest toxic eucalyptus other animals can't with special systems.'"
"......So?"
"Same as you. Digesting trash policies others avoid, succeeding. Sea Dragon Cult, Kurokumo Clan, Resistance Freefall... All poison to others, but you devour casually, turn to nourishment."
"Th-that was... luck..."
"Maybe your laziness is a special enzyme. Skimping processes accidentally becomes optimal survival."
Insult? Compliment?
Clearly insult, yet persuasively flattering.
"Urgh... Then you, Seria... you're...!"
I racked my brain desperately. Needed an animal to hit back.
"Praying mantis! You're a praying mantis!"
I blurted.
"Cruel predator! Even eats mate post-mating!"
"Sexual harassment."
Seria tilted her head.
"Think I'd eat you?"
Her impassive face chilled my spine.
"N-no! Metaphor! You know!"
Our childish spat continued circling the zoo.
Meerkats: "Always surveilling me!" Her: "You'd burrow first at danger."
We weaponized every animal against each other.
Result?
Draw.
Or maybe I lost.
But oddly, fun.
This childish banter, pointless metaphors, time-wasting.
Maybe true weekend essence?
Time not working. Unproductive. Just enjoyable.
Yeah, Seria tagging along wasn't so bad...
"Your Honor, sloth over there. Greet it like family elder?"
"Hey!"
Nope, cancel. She's the worst secretary ever!