Chapter 65: My Blonde Childhood Friend is Too Pretty (2)[R-18]
Translator: RaidenTL
Chapter 65: My Blonde Childhood Friend is Too Pretty (2)[R-18]
Swish—!
“Hey, how’s this outfit?”
“Pretty.”
Swish—!
“Hmm... then what about this?”
“That’s pretty too.”
Swish—!
“Ta-da! How about this one?”
“Yeah, it’s really pretty.”
[Taking Photos], [Taking Photos], [Taking Photos]...
Every time the curtain swept aside, Evelyn’s one-woman fashion show unfolded, and I marveled at her while secretly snapping photos.
“Hey... Ian, do you seriously want to die?”
“What? Why are you suddenly mad again?”
“Of course I’m mad! Who do you think I’m changing clothes for right now? And all you can say is ‘it’s pretty’? Can’t you give me a proper answer?!”
“...You were changing because of me?”
“Ha! Then who? Who else would I be picking clothes for? Anyone can see I’m only wearing things you’d like!!”
I did wonder why the clothes Evelyn was picking were so different from her usual style; it turned out she was choosing things specifically to match my taste.
But...
‘...That’s a bit unfair.’
I’m not a Blessed One; how was I supposed to know if she didn’t tell me?
“No, I said it was pretty because it actually looked pretty... And how was I supposed to know you picked them for me if you didn’t say anything...”
“Hmph... Ahem! Hmph...! No!! Do I have to spell it out for you to know? It’s obviously your taste! And no matter how pretty it is, give me a sincere answer about why it’s pretty!!”
“...That’s why I kept saying it. ‘Everything’ is pretty.”
“Hey! Are you going to keep being that vague? Be specific!! Like, it’s pretty because of this! Or you like it because of that!! There are things like that, you know?!”
“No, sigh... I really can’t get through to you...”
If only one part of her were pretty, I’d praise that part, but when everything is beautiful, asking me to say where is pretty—does she want me to describe every single strand of her hair?
“...What? ...I, I just... to you...”
“When I’m just looking at you, you’re lovely from head to toe, and even the air feels sweet. What exactly do you want me to be ‘specific’ about? I’m telling you, I can’t find a single part of you that isn’t beautiful right now. I always thought you were pretty, but after you showed up all dressed up today, you look like the most beautiful person in the world to me. I have no other way to express it except to say you’re pretty. Honestly, even if you slapped me right now, I’d probably think you looked pretty doing it. So what do you want me to do when you keep saying I’m being vague? Sigh... I don’t know, maybe try having at least one spot that’s less pretty.”
The more I thought about Evelyn’s unreasonable demand, the more I found myself sighing and getting annoyed.
‘Ah...’
Regret washed over me a moment too late.
‘I must be crazy...’
We were supposed to have a fun date, but I ended up snapping at her like that...
Forget a fun date; it was obvious I’d spend the rest of the time trying to soothe a sulking Evelyn.
“....”
“...Evelyn?”
“...Yes?!... Ye-yes... why...? Why... are you doing that...?”
As expected, seeing Evelyn avoid eye contact, keep her distance, and use formal language made it clear she was beyond pissed.
“...I’m sorry. I was wrong.”
“Huh...?... For... what...?”
“Like you said, you were wearing clothes I like for my sake... and I snapped without thinking. I’m sorry.”
“Sna... snapped?... Th-that... was you... snapping...?.. Hic...! Th-then... if you... don’t snap... wh-what on earth... would you say...?”
“...From now on, I’ll express myself properly like you asked. So please, don’t be mad. Okay?”
“Hing?!... N-no!... I’m really... not mad!... S-so... you don’t have to... it’s fine.... Yeah!... In fact... I think... it would be... b-bad if you did...”
“....”
This felt like a real emergency.
I hadn’t come out on this date with Evelyn today without any preparation.
I had searched extensively about ‘Women’ in the Gallery.
[Author: Anonymous (45.64)]
[A Collection of ‘Women’s Language’ for Your Enjoyment.txt][75]
If you don’t know the Women’s Language written here, you might as well just die. Just memorize it, okay?
“No, I’m really not mad.” = I am extremely fucking angry right now, you piece of shit.
“You don’t have to do ~@@.” = If you don’t do ~@@, I’m going to be incredibly pissed.
....
..
.
(Bonus: Reactions when your girlfriend is actually furious.jpg)
1. If she uses formal language that she never usually uses, she is 100% angry. You need to soothe her immediately.
2. If your girlfriend adds ‘...’ to the end of every sentence, it means she’s openly sulking. Don’t be an idiot and miss the signs.
...
..
.
Anonymous (211.209): Wow... this is legit.
Anonymous (74.816): For real, you virgin losers need to look at this and learn.
Memories of Morak■: Thank you. I learned from this comment and finally escaped being a virgin.
UseNiceWordsOnly■: What the fuck lol. You finished in 1 minute? You premature ejaculator lololol.
The post had received quite a bit of praise in the comments and had even become a Trending Post, so it was fairly reliable.
And above all...
ChildhoodFriendRapist■: For real lololol. Seriously, who stole my speech patterns? This is spot on.
Evelyn herself had confirmed that the content of the Trending Post was accurate.
‘So... I have to soothe her right now!’
‘Formal language,’ ‘ending sentences with ...,’ ‘I’m not mad,’ and ‘You don’t have to’...
Evelyn was currently expressing her anger using a whopping four types of Women’s Language.
“No, please let me do it. If I don’t, I won’t feel right.”
“...N-no..!... I... I told you not to...! I-if... I hear... any more... right now... it’s... d-dangerous...!”
Inhale—!
Taking a deep breath, I spat out the sentences that came to mind without any filter.
“The first black dress I saw was pretty because it felt noble, contrasting with your white, clean skin. The dark blue denim shirt was pretty because the similar blue tones made your eyes stand out even more. Of course, the crop top was pretty too, showing off your firm stomach and cute belly button. The combination of dolphin pants and black stockings was pretty because it made your already long legs look even longer.”
“...Ah!... Ugh!... Ha!... Hic..!.. Khhh!”
“Also, the lines faintly revealed through the see-through look were artistically pretty, and every time you posed with your fingers, honestly, I wanted to lick them so bad I—mph!!”
Knowing it wasn’t enough, I was doing my best to explain exactly where and how she was pretty when Evelyn suddenly covered my mouth with both hands.
“St-stop it!!.. Haah...!!... Haah... haah...!!.. O-okay, I get it..... so just stop...”
“Mmph-mmph?”
“...Geez!... You... you idiot... if you... s-say that... so... l-loudly... e-everyone else... will... stare...”
Glance—
Just as the whispering Evelyn said, I looked around to find that everyone in the clothing store had stopped moving and was staring our way.
‘...Ha.’
I felt bad for Evelyn, but I was a very observant man.
I wouldn’t fall for such a simple bait.
[Author: Anonymous (45.64)]
[Back by popular demand, Women’s Language Proficiency Test Part 3!][14]
What is the correct response when your girlfriend asks, “Oppa, who’s prettier, me or that girl who just walked by?”
UseNiceWordsOnly■: Lol, too easy. “Of course you’re prettier.”
Anonymous (45.64): Wrong~ If you say it like that, it doesn’t feel sincere.
UseNiceWordsOnly■: “Honestly, she’s prettier... but to me, you look the prettiest.”
Anonymous (45.64): You’ve never dated, have you? That’s the worst possible answer. Never say that.
UseNiceWordsOnly■: Bullshit. I’m a woman, how am I getting these wrong? Then what’s the answer, you bitch?
Anonymous (45.64): Seeing how triggered you are, you’re definitely a virgin. The answer is....
“Oh, really? I was so focused on you that I didn’t even notice anyone else was here.”
I said to Evelyn with a slight smile.
This was the correct answer to the test, but I also genuinely hadn’t seen them because I was so focused.
“Kuuuuu..!!...... S-seriously... stop it already... I... I was wrong....”
“Wrong? Wrong about what? Being born pretty isn’t a crime, is it?”
“Hic!!... Agh!... Ah...!... Ugh....!.. Haauuuu!!”
Flop—!
In the end, Evelyn crouched down on the spot and clutched her head.
“...Evelyn?”
“....mumble... mumble...”
I called her name at her sudden behavior, but instead of answering, she just mumbled in a small voice.
“...Ah.. ugh..!... Crazy bastard!... I-Ian... is a... crazy bastard!... Seriously!... Dammit...! Sob... Gasp!... Seriously... too... th-th- hnggg!!”
When I leaned in close and listened carefully, it was nothing but insults directed at me.
‘Eh?... Why?’
I followed exactly what the Trending Post told me to do...
“Grrr...!!.. The fitting room... definitely..... eat him....!... Whew...! Whew..!... Endure it.... too many... eyes... for now... l-later.... Grrr!... N-no... I can’t take it.... Grrr...!!.. I’m... r-really... going to live up to my nickname...”
Why was Evelyn so full of rage?
Tap—
“Kyaah?!... Wh-wh-what is it!!”
I had only lightly touched her shoulder, but Evelyn jumped and shouted in surprise.
“No... you suddenly sat down and started making weird noises, so... are you okay?”
“Hnggg!!!... Whew....!!... Whew....!!!..... I-I’m fine! J-just... go wait... outside..... I’ll... pay for the clothes... and then go.”
“Huh? I can just wait inside...”
“I-I said it’s fine!! Wait outside!!”
I was practically shoved out of the store by Evelyn.
“....”
It seemed I was truly screwed.
Just how angry was she that she was huffing and puffing like that?
Tinkle—!
A short while later, I gulped nervously as Evelyn stepped out of the store, but...
“...Wh-what are you looking at! You jerk.”
Evelyn’s ears were still bright red, but she looked much calmer than before.
“No... ah! Give me the bags, I’ll carry them. So, should we go eat dinner now? It was ‘Seventh Door,’ right?”
[Things to do on today’s date!]
1. Take sticker photos together.
2. Go clothes shopping.
3. Have dinner at ‘Seventh Door.’
4. Walk by the fountain at night holding hands.
...
..
.
I tried to use this chance to naturally continue the date course Evelyn had planned, but it was no use.
“...All of that is canceled.”
“Huh? Why?”
“If I say it’s canceled, it’s canceled.”
Evelyn glared at me as if she wouldn’t allow any further argument, yet her face still told a different story.
“Okay... then where are we going?”
“....”
Point—
Without a word, Evelyn pointed toward something with her chin.
It was hidden by other buildings, but I knew exactly what was in that direction.
「Cream Pie Inn」
It was the place where Evelyn and I had our first experience(?).
“...You want to go already? Without even eating?”
“Hmph! If you’re that hungry, we can just get takeout and eat inside!”
“Do you think we’ll have time to eat inside the inn?”
I had intended to forget about my revenge in the lab and just enjoy the date with Evelyn, but that was only ‘until we entered the inn.’
Right now, we were purely ‘childhood friends’ with me admiring her beauty, but once we stepped into that inn, our relationship would shift to ‘sex partners’....
“...We’ll be too busy eating something else, won’t we?”
Honestly, today of all days, I didn’t have the confidence to hold back.
“Ugh!... He... he-eh?... You... you seem confident?”
“There you go bluffing again... even though you’ve never won once.”
“H-hmph!... Today is going to be different, you know? I... I prepared something too.”
“How many times have you said that... and I’ve prepared something as well.”
“Ah!! Shut up!! S-so, are you going to the inn or not?!”
Squeeze—!
Evelyn linked her arm with mine, pressing her chest against me as she whispered in my ear.
“You... l-living dildo bastard.”