The Weight of Buried Sorrow
Representative Choi’s words kept circling in my head. Sad things should be covered up with happy ones. Don’t flail in the past—shake it off and move forward. For a man who built and expanded an entire company, standing as the representative for countless people, it was an admirably bold statement. Of course he must have faced countless hardships of his own. Each time, instead of drowning in sorrow, he had chosen to bury the pain beneath something happier, and in doing so built the kingdom he now ruled.
But… for me, his advice lodged in my ear like a thorn, scraping at my nerves. How could a person be so cruel, slicing through grief as if carving with a knife? Especially when it came to sending away someone you loved forever.
Once again, memories of my sister that I had desperately pushed to the far side of my mind kept resurfacing. No matter how hard I tried to let her go, she kept appearing. Even though I knew it would keep her from resting in peace, she kept appearing. The way she used to smile at me. The desperate prayers I once offered, believing she would return someday. The funeral where I had to let her go. The way Yerin and I had clung to each other, sobbing. Everything swirled violently through my head.
What the hell… am I supposed to do?
I wasn’t strong enough to go hunting for joyful occasions just to forget my sadness. On the contrary, every time happiness approached my life, I would probably end up thinking of my sister and shattering into pieces. Is it okay for me to be this happy? Now that my sister has left my side, does happiness even have any meaning? I would chew on those thoughts until I curled in on myself. After all, I could never tell her I was happy anymore.
Sigh.
Besides, I wasn’t even sure if getting married like this was right. I definitely loved Mina. If we went from lovers to husband and wife, and from husband and wife to father… our relationship would undoubtedly change. The number of family members would grow, and there would probably be more things to smile about than there were now. But doing it this way—rushing into it not as the fruit of our love but simply as a means to forget sorrow—was something I refused.
And what about Yerin? Was it right to abandon a child who was all alone and just leave as I pleased? To tell her, Live your life however you want? If that was the case, why had I brought her here in the first place? Moreover, no one knew what kind of woman Mina was better than I did. She would definitely be bothered by having Yerin around. She would say that I should only focus on my own family. That before being Yerin’s uncle, I was her man and the father of our children. Still, I had to at least talk to Yerin. At the very least, so she could prepare herself mentally.
For now… I should go home and rest.
I hadn’t been able to concentrate properly all day. Mistakes kept slipping into my work, and during an urgent meeting I was called into, I couldn’t utter a single proper sentence. I just sat there like an idiot, taking up space. Unable to handle or respond to anything correctly, I ended up wasting the entire day before finally standing up from my desk. There were more than a few things that needed to be dealt with, but I couldn’t handle a single one properly. Rather than waste any more time, it was better to leave early.
I had told Mina to come another day. She had growled at me, asking if I hadn’t just told her to come right away, but after seeing my face she seemed to realize something was off.
"...... Go home and sleep deeply. Tomorrow, come back with a stronger face."
If it was that hard, why had I stubbornly come in the first place? She said she liked seeing me work hard, but the most important thing was my health, so she let me go without a fight. Then I should tell her father something too—tell him to stop putting so much pressure on his future son-in-law. Of course, I didn’t have the courage to actually say that out loud.
It’ll get better if I rest a little.
If I go home and sleep. If I take my eyes off the things I need to do, even for a little while.
“Samchon, you’re home?”
As soon as I opened the door and stepped inside, my niece’s voice greeted me. The house that had always felt empty when I came home alone today carried a sense of life.
“Yeah. How was school?”
“It was fine. How about you, samchon?”
“Me? Just… normal.”
What would count as a good commute home? Doing my job well? Getting praised by my boss? I tossed the bag I always carried into the corner of the living room and collapsed onto the sofa.
“You should get up, wash up, and change your clothes.”
“Cut me some slack… samchon is tired.”
“That’s exactly when you need to get up. Come on. Hurry.”
Was this some kind of tradition passed down through the women in our family? The inability to forgive laziness—she really took after her mother.
I roughly took off my suit jacket and hung it up. I also peeled off my dress shirt and draped it over a hanger. When I came back out after changing into pajama pants, a delicious smell filled the air.
“I was shocked when I looked in the fridge. What on earth do you even eat, samchon? You haven’t touched any of the side dishes, and there isn’t a single proper seasoning on the shelves. Thanks to that, I had to rush over to the nearby mart.”
The way she busily moved around the kitchen was impressive. She had made doenjang jjigae and pumpkin pancakes, both looking incredibly appetizing.
“Yerin… you’re really good at cooking.”
When I sat down at the table, she even scooped freshly cooked rice and brought it over. Because I hated hearing my mother’s nagging, I hadn’t visited home much lately. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a meal like this.
“You must have been tired after coming home from school.”
“Compared to you, samchon, it’s nothing. I just sat and studied all day.”
“Where did you get the money? Wait. Did I give you my card?”
“I have enough money for that much.”
I hurriedly grabbed my wallet and pulled out some cash, but Yerin waved her hands in refusal.
“Take it. I’ll give you the card too, so don’t refuse. Use it whenever you need it. You’re a senior in high school—there are tons of expenses for books, online lectures, and everything else.”
“...... Thank you.”
“Samchon earns enough to treat his friends to meals and stuff. I gave it to you to use, so use it. If you don’t, I’ll scold you—got it?”
“Then I can spend it however I want? Should I take my friends to that restaurant we went to with you, samchon? They all eat like crazy.”
“Um… yeah. If you want to go, go ahead.”
“Liar. Your eyes are shaking.”
I ate while chatting casually with my niece. It was warm. With every spoonful of rice and every bite of side dish, a gentle warmth filled a corner of my heart.
“You don’t have to cook from now on. You need to study—there’s no need to go through the trouble.”
But I couldn’t just indulge my own selfishness, so I forced myself to stop her. I couldn’t monopolize the kindness and warmth my niece was offering just because I wanted to be happy. She had a mountain of things she needed to do herself.
“It’s fine. This is just how I change my mood.”
Yerin placed more side dishes on top of my rice.
“You’re the same, aren’t you, samchon? If you study all day at work and then come home and study more, anyone would go crazy. You have to relieve stress somehow—like cooking.”
“But…”
“Enough. If you have time to stop me, just chew your food properly. It makes me happy when you eat well.”
“It’s delicious. Really. I’m not lying. You could open a restaurant.”
I eagerly accepted the side dishes she offered and joked around. It wasn’t empty praise—I really did enjoy the food.
“You go rest in the living room. I’ll do the dishes.”
“No. It’s only a few bowls. You’re tired, samchon.”
In the end, we stood side by side in front of the sink.
“By the way… samchon. Did something happen at the company today?”
“No, why?”
“Just… you said it was normal, but your eyes look really hollow.”
“It’s nothing in particular… I guess that’s just how office life is, right? To make a living. There are days like this and days like that.”
Clink. Clank. Since it was just the two of us, there weren’t many dishes. Once we washed the rice bowls and plates, it was done in no time.
“I suppose everyone’s like that.”
She roughly wiped her hands on her clothes and sat on the sofa. Normally I would have downed a few cans of beer by now, but Yerin was here. As her uncle, I had to set a good example.
I swept my bangs back a few times and sat there blankly. Once Yerin finished washing her hands, she trotted over and sat right beside me.
“It’s just… there is something a little hard right now.”
“What is it…?”
“Pressure. There’s pressure. You know how it is too, Yerin. You’re a senior in high school now. How should you study? How should you decide your career path?”
I felt like a pathetic adult complaining about life in front of a young child, so I just stared into empty space. But I wanted to pour out my true feelings to someone—anyone. Feelings I couldn’t tell my lover, couldn’t tell my friends, and couldn’t tell my family.
“Samchon is the same… Am I doing the right thing right now? Am I failing to live up to people’s expectations? What am I supposed to do about all the work piling up? What about my girlfriend? What about Mom?”
I had no idea how to deal with all this pressure that had filled my chest like rising water. Was I really living the right way? The urge to throw everything away and run was slowly making my eyes burn red. My voice trembled too. How pathetic. My niece was the one who was truly struggling, yet here I was making a scene all by myself. And now I was even showing tears.
“Samchon.”
Yerin called my name. Embarrassed by my blurred vision, I quickly blinked, trying to chase the tears away. But she quietly reached out and wiped the corners of my eyes.
“It’s okay, samchon. It’s okay.”
“This is embarrassing… A grown man like me. I’m sorry. Forget it.”
“It’s fine. You’re doing well, samchon.”
Pat, pat. My niece stroked my cheek. The resentment that had been knotted up inside my heart slowly, little by little… began to fade.