A Pathetic Uncle
What a pathetic uncle I am. Unable to be a source of strength for my own niece, instead leaning on her like this, showing off my weakness in such a disgraceful way. But I... I have no one I can open my heart to.
I am not my mother's burden. I am my woman's proud man. I must always be perfect... confident... a role model, and yet...
Before I knew it, I was lying with my head on my niece's thigh. A warm heat radiated from behind my head.
"I'm sorry. But really... I have nowhere to turn. No matter how hard things get."
Not to Mom. Not to my girlfriend. Not to my friends. They'd all just point fingers. When times are tough, you have to work even harder. You have to try even more.
"No way. You already have so much on your mind. How could I add my burdens on top of that?"
Even as I said it, I didn't want to get up. I knew I shouldn't lean on my young niece, but it was hard to pull away from the warmth I'd finally found.
"Yerin... you have more than enough things to worry about. You need to focus on your studies, and your friends..."
My niece stroked my hair. If Min-a saw this, her eyes would roll back in her head.
"Aren't you struggling? You've been through so much... If there's anything bothering you, tell me. Even if your uncle isn't the most reliable, I can at least listen and think about it with you."
"Just bear with me a little longer. I'll get up soon."
I couldn't remember the last time I'd opened up like this and joked around. Ever since I was little, Mom never allowed whining, and in front of Min-a I always tensed up and froze. I didn't want to show weakness, and she wouldn't allow it anyway. In front of them, I always had to be perfect.
"...... Is it about your sister?"
I lifted my head from Yerin's thigh.
Ever since we truly came to know each other, it seemed there would never be a day without tears between us. Uncle and niece, taking turns crying.
Yerin's voice grew increasingly choked. Her trembling body curled into a tight ball, and her faltering words dissolved into sobs. I silently pulled her into my arms and patted her back. I was sorry that the only thing I could do for her was something so insignificant. If it would help my niece forget her sadness even a little, I wanted to do anything.
"That's right. Let's cheer up. We have to show her we're living happily. If we keep crying, your mom will have a hard time too."
"Who said that?"
"If anyone bothers you, tell me. I'll scold them for you."
I cupped her face with both hands and wiped away her tears with my thumbs. It was natural for a daughter to resemble her mother, but every time I looked at Yerin, I thought of my sister. The way my restless heart found its place when our eyes met, the way the rising anxiety fled in an instant—it was all the same.
"We should go to bed now. You have school tomorrow."
"That was a mistake."
No matter how we talked about it, in the end this uncle had slept in the same bed as his grown niece. Whether I hadn't woken her or was too exhausted to do anything about it, they were all just excuses.
"I'm not that sleepy yet."
"Then go read a book or something."
I ended up sounding like a nagging old man. But I'd taken up too much of my niece's study time. This was what it must feel like to be the parent of an exam student. Even if I wanted to give advice, my own mother had always been the "figure it out yourself" type. She believed that if I realized the importance of studying, I'd sit at my desk on my own, so she rarely interfered.
"Then... how about listening to a lullaby?"
I'd forgotten because Yerin seemed so mature. She was still just a girl, much younger than me.
"I'm sorry. Your uncle was being insensitive."
I followed Yerin into the room, pulled over a chair, and sat beside the bed. Seeing the cosmetics, comb, and mirror there made my previously colorless, drab room feel like it had bloomed with flowers.
"Alright. I won't nag. Want me to turn off the light?"
"Yes."
I flipped the switch and sat down beside her again. Maybe I should sing her a lullaby. With the lights off, only the faint outline of her gentle breathing was visible.
"Yeah?"
"Well. I'm thinking sometime next year for now."
"Whether you say it ten times or twenty, it doesn't make much difference."
"No. From the beginning, I was thinking next year."
"She's the kind of woman who can be understanding about that much, so don't worry about it."
Even as I spoke, I wasn't sure. She probably knew by now too—what kind of woman my girlfriend was, what kind of mindset she had. No matter how much I explained the situation, in the end, her own feelings mattered most.
"Y-yeah, I suppose."
"Haha."
Looking at her, she had a way of toying with people's emotions. Sorry, but your Sungmo alone is already more than I can handle. Please restrain yourself if you can.
"Why? You can come over anytime."
"What does that matter? Aren't you my family?"
Thud. Yerin turned over to face the wall. I had no idea what she was trying to say. Yerin was precious family to me too. It didn't matter what Min-a said. She could come to our house anytime. If anyone tried to stop her from coming, I wouldn't forgive them.
"Okay, sleep well."
"...... Then what do you want me to do?"
What the hell. What exactly is bothering her? She and Min-a both sometimes play twenty questions, and finding the right answer is more than difficult—it's infuriating. If I ask why she's upset, she won't answer, and if I happen to hit the mark, she turns it around and accuses me of making her out to be the angry one, changing the subject. Thanks to that, I end up being the bad guy.
"Fine... Just a moment then."
When I actually stood up, Yerin turned her head.
There was a mountain of work piled up. I'd at least tidy up a bit until she fell asleep. As I fiddled with the blueprints spread across the screen, checking what needed to be revised, Yerin spoke up with a grin.
"Me? I don't really have a set time... I sleep when I get sleepy while working. Or I just keep working."
"I never needed much sleep anyway."
"That was... just that one time. Is the keyboard noise too loud?"
"If you know I'm staying, then hurry up and sleep. Good children should go to bed early and wake up early."
I pulled the blanket up to her chest.
"For the time being?"
"We'll think about that when the time comes. The living room has heating anyway."
"Your uncle sleeps fine in the living room, so don't worry."
"You should stop worrying me by not sleeping and go to sleep already. Lullaby, lullaby."
I lay down almost leaning against her side and mumbled a lullaby verse I'd heard somewhere. But for some reason, the person singing felt drowsier than the one listening. If I fell asleep by her side again, the teasing would be merciless. If I took the bed again, she wouldn't be able to sleep properly. And yet...