Reversal (5)
Having the person who was once my closest friend in the world look at me with those eyes was a truly horrifying and grotesque experience. I wanted to slap that gaze away, but I couldn’t. The moment I ran from this, Hinami would stare at me forever with that twisted expression.
“...Say something. Anything.”
Neither of us was crying. Not me, not Hinami. Even when she pressed me to speak, I could only keep my mouth tightly shut and stare back at her. I didn’t know where things had gone so wrong, or how a friend who had walked such a similar path in life had ended up with her sense of right and wrong so completely warped.
I had known since the day she started fooling around with my sister and that man, but the more I felt it right in front of me, the more suffocating my chest became.
“Haa…”
I forced a mouthful of beer down my blocked throat and let out a heavy sigh. This wasn’t some simple issue of liking Kang Juhyuk or hating me. If she loved him, she could just play with him by herself. If she hated me, she could just keep her distance. So why was she so determined to tie me and him together in the same space?
Did she seriously want me to become one of the women Kang Juhyuk kept?
...What the hell would that even mean to you?
I could at least understand my sister. It made me want to scream with how unfair it was, but her being jealous of me at least made some kind of sense. But what exactly do you want from me?
“...Have you lost your mind?”
“...Yeah.”
At my genuinely honest question, Hinami’s plain, straightforward answer made it impossible for me to look at her with rational eyes anymore. This must be what it feels like to see a close friend fall into a cult. Her way of thinking was now so completely different from mine that I felt instinctive revulsion.
It wasn’t because we were from different countries. We had been together all this time and I had never once felt awkward that Hinami was Japanese. Yet the more I looked into my friend’s eyes, which were steeped in pure madness, the further the distance between us grew.
“I’m doing this job because I’m crazy. ...Because if I weren’t crazy, I couldn’t do it.”
Even resentment and pain leaked from those madness-filled pupils.
...Something you couldn’t do unless you were crazy.
It wasn’t as if I hadn’t struggled to the point of losing my mind, but until you became like this, I had never wanted to quit so badly that I felt like I was going to break.
“And what’s so bad about going crazy? ...Isn’t it fine if you just work hard even while you’re crazy? Smiling brightly at those annoying old men. Shaking hands and signing autographs for those fat-bellied fans without missing a single one. Having your thighs and chest photographed every day and being treated like masturbation material by men. Getting cursed out like crazy by other idols’ fans for acting cute. ...But I still endured it all and worked hard, didn’t I? Can’t I enjoy my life now?”
“...You think I’m any different?”
“That’s exactly why I’m saying this to you, Jia. ...Stop pretending to be all lofty by yourself and don’t even think about quitting now.”
I had never pretended to be lofty. I had certainly thought about quitting, but I never had the courage to actually do it. If I had that kind of courage, I would have gotten rid of Kang Juhyuk first. The reason I was even standing here like this was because I didn’t have the courage to quit.
No matter how much Kang Juhyuk threatened or coaxed me, if I had the courage to give up, I could have just ignored him. The only reason I was dragged here was because I couldn’t let go of the name Seo Jia.
“...If I said I was going to quit, what would you do?”
“I’d quit too. ...If you leave, Jia, who’s going to sing?”
“You could sing. You have a good voice.”
“Ahaha, are you teasing me right now? You? Telling me that?”
You’re the one who has completely claimed the name Hinami as your own, yet what are you so dissatisfied about that you’re lashing out at me like this?
...If we were talking alone, I might have listened to you seriously.
“You’re good at telling jokes. I always thought they were fucking boring.”
“Really? I thought you were living so half-assed. I figured the moment you got the chance to quit being an idol, you’d run away immediately. ...I never imagined you’d work this hard.”
“Yeah. I thought the same. I was ready to quit the second the opportunity came. ...But when someone tried to run away before me, it suddenly felt like such a waste. It’s a job that gives you money, fame, and popularity even if you have to swallow every insult.”
“You’ve offered up all that money, fame, and popularity to one man, and now you’re saying it feels like a waste?”
If he hadn’t dragged me into his car. ...If you hadn’t offered your own dog collar to a man and barked like a bitch for him.
“I didn’t offer everything. What exactly did I give to Juhyuk oppa?”
“Everything. ...Right now you probably think you’ve only given him your body. But don’t you realize that the moment that man decides to blackmail you, all your money, fame, and popularity will be dumped straight into the gutter?”
“Why? Why do you think it’ll be dumped? ...Do you think if oppa gets tired of me and disappointed, he’ll spread the sex videos or whatever and I’ll be ruined?”
“Then wouldn’t that…”
“I won’t be ruined even if he does that. I’ve already been cursed out plenty. I’ve already been sexually harassed plenty. ...I can just make the same kind of half-naked photos I do now and earn money. Nothing will change, right?”
“...You crazy bitch.”
Degrading her own profession like this. ...If she hadn’t degraded herself this much, I might have been able to listen to her seriously.
“And... meeting oppa was all thanks to you anyway. If you hadn’t gotten him kicked out of baseball, do you think I would have ever had the chance to meet him?”
“What are you suddenly talking about?”
“Stop pretending you don’t know. ...You went to Dad and begged him to kick oppa off the team because his private life was dirty. I heard everything from unnie. You said it was your fault oppa got injured, right?”
...Accusing her only friend like this. If she hadn’t taken his side instead of mine.
“How is that man getting injured my fault? ...What could a mere high schooler like me have done to injure him?”
“Ah, right. You said you don’t know much about baseball, Jia. ...When someone uses their shoulder that much, it usually breaks down. If you hadn’t fed your dad that bullshit, he wouldn’t have pushed himself that hard.”
“...So because of something like that, it’s okay to blackmail someone and try to rape them?”
“Something like that. That’s really funny, Jia. ...If Juhyuk oppa had spread dirty rumors about your agency and you worked until your ankle broke and retired after just one year, would you have just accepted it and moved on?”
“...”
Making such ridiculous comparisons. If she hadn’t tried to pin guilt on me when I had done nothing wrong.
“Why did you do that to someone you didn’t even know well? Did unnie tell you to? ...But Ha-eun unnie apologized to oppa for what she did back then, and now they’re getting along fine.”
“That’s because unnie is the weird one. Logically speaking, falling for the man who raped you is…”
“Logically speaking, isn’t the man who still hasn’t taken revenge on the woman who ruined his life and just leaves her alone even weirder? If oppa was the trash you think he is, he would have already…”
“He blackmailed me, shoved his dick in my mouth, and used me however he wanted. You call that leaving me alone?”
“He did leave you alone. If you hadn’t gone and picked a fight. ...You were the one who called oppa to your house back then. Why did you do that? You even lied and said the manager was coming.”
“How do you even know about…”
“That time oppa suddenly went upstairs after calling me over and said he had no choice because of the manager. But the manager ended up getting caught in the parking lot. ...Unnie isn’t involved so she might not know, but did you think I wouldn’t?”
“...”
She had noticed everything. If she had just stopped pretending not to know.
“Did you get jealous hearing unnie and oppa having sex?”
“Don’t talk bullshit.”
“Then why did you call oppa over by lying when he was perfectly fine playing with unnie?”
“...Then what was I supposed to do when some man who barged into my house without permission was having sex so loud I could hear everything through the walls?”
“Ah, so you didn’t like seeing that. That’s why you went out of your way to call oppa over and tried to seduce him into playing with you instead?”
“Hey…!”
...If she hadn’t spouted that nonsense about me being jealous of unnie. I wouldn’t have had to stand up, clutching the front of my loosened pajama top, and look down at her.
“...Why are you getting angry? Is it true? You really got mad at unnie and tried to seduce oppa?”
“It’s not like that.”
“Then why did you drag oppa into your own house?”
“...Because it was fucking disgusting.”
“What was?”
“Some man I didn’t even know. He just moved into unnie’s house without permission. ...And even after he fucked you too, no matter how many times I told him to fuck off, he wouldn’t leave. Isn’t it natural to want to fuck him over?”
“...You’re finally being honest.”
...That day. Those dark, ugly feelings of mine that I had forgotten. I might have never had to recall them again.
“You were the one who ruined oppa first, Jia. You were the one who dragged him into the house first. ...You were the one who tried to hurt oppa first. Right?”
“...Is that so wrong? He’s the bastard who ruined unnie’s life and was trying to ruin yours too. What’s wrong with getting rid of a pest?”
“How exactly did he ruin anyone’s life? ...Isn’t he doing pretty well? He went from being a basement-dwelling bum to a YouTuber who makes good money. I’ve gotten even more popular since meeting oppa. And most of all, if it weren’t for oppa, I would have died a long time ago.”
“...”
“He saved two people’s lives. If all he does in return is take some naughty photos and roll around with women, isn’t that nothing? Are you criticizing oppa because you’re so morally upright?”
I couldn’t possibly claim with a straight face that I was a morally upright person. ...I was already a woman who had been tainted by the entertainment industry and lost all sense of conscience. I had wished for everyone who stood in my way to disappear, and in reality, several of them had. Even with my former manager, instead of letting him become a media issue by sending him to prison, I had wished he would just vanish from my sight, and he actually had. With Kang Juhyuk too, instead of letting him be judged lawfully, I had planned to use everyone around me to grab his weaknesses and shut his mouth.
“...Still, I’m better than Kang Juhyuk.”
...But I didn’t want to hear that such reasons didn’t make me any better than him. No matter how twisted I had become, I wasn’t worse than Kang Juhyuk.
“...Your fans would be so disappointed if they heard the things you just said.”
“Are you really the one saying that?”
“Who knows? My fans are mostly perverted masochistic bastards, so a lot of them would probably get off if they heard me fucking oppa.”
I’m not as fucked up an idol as you are, Hinami. If someone else was lecturing me, maybe. But I don’t want to hear that kind of thing from you of all people.
“Why is it so loud in here? Are you two fighting?”
“Ah, oppa…”
“Why are you dressed so sloppily? Are you drunk?”
“Ahaha…”
...The moment I saw Kang Juhyuk staggering in now. I absolutely did not want to lose. Just like that day when I felt like I would go insane if I didn’t destroy the relationship.
I wanted to laugh until my stomach hurt at the sight of you with your mask ripped off, pathetically begging.
...No matter what it took.