Just a Little More
Whenever Haennim-i came to mind, those words always rose with her.
Just a little more strength.
Just a little longer to live.
That was not what just a little more meant.
Haennim-i had already been magnificent. She had lived with everything she had, wrung every last drop of strength from herself just to keep going. So Haennim-i didn't need to do "just a little more" of anything. Those words belonged to Lee Jun himself.
If only I'd gone to her a little sooner.
If only I'd treated her a little sooner.
If only I'd taken her out to that wide, open plain a little sooner.
For Haennim-i. For the Somang-is. If only I'd been just a little sooner...
If only...
Not a single day had passed since Haennim-i left for the Bear Star that Lee Jun hadn't thought those words. And so, when he saw her in the distance, he was overjoyed. Moved. Grateful — grateful that he could see her smiling that wide.
Whoosh-whoosh-whoosh-whoosh!
Walking toward Haennim-i as she waved her cute, chubby front paws from up in the tree, Lee Jun felt his eyes grow hot. Looking not at one hand, but two — two front paws.
"She was that cute. That chubby and adorable. Our Haennim-i's paws..."
"Hehe, so Hyung thinks Haennim-i's paws look super cute too?"
Kongdol-i had been bouncing along beside him, walking and then breaking into little runs, and now he looked up at Lee Jun with crescent-moon eyes.
"Yeah. They're really cute."
Just like when they were little. Moisture clung to Lee Jun's voice as he answered. Because Haennim-i was waving two whole paws, whoosh-whoosh, and he was so proud of her. So proud. And... so grateful.
"Hehe, we really like Haennim-i's paws too. They're huge, but they're chubby and cute."
We?
Lee Jun glanced around at the animals walking and running across the grass. We? Who's we? Them?
As if he'd read Lee Jun's mind, Kongdol-i bounced in little hops around his legs and kept talking.
"Puhut, hey Hyung — Haennim-i hugs us. The way you used to hug her."
"Reeeally?"
Lee Jun's eyes went wide.
"Yeah! Haennim-i always smiles like that, hehe, and then she hugs us. She said it felt so, so good when you hugged her. So she hugs us. She thought we'd like it too."
Kongdol-i looked up at him and went on.
"That's why I like it so much. When Haennim-i hugs me, it feels like you're hugging me. Hee..."
Kongdol-i grinned, flashing his white upper teeth with a little hee. Lee Jun stopped walking, sank down, and scooped him up in a fierce hug, holding him tight — pouring into it every apology for all the hugs he hadn't been able to give.
"Hehe. Hehehe."
Nestled in his arms, Kongdol-i nuzzled his head against Lee Jun's shoulder, rubbing and rubbing, and laughed.
"Kongdol-ah, want me to carry you like this? Let's go to Haennim-i this way."
Lee Jun started walking with Kongdol-i in his arms. He wanted to see Kongdol-i walking through this lush green park, too — wanted to see him run. So he had walked side by side with him, pressing down and down on the urge to pick him up.
Because Kongdol-i had wanted to run. Because he'd wanted to smell the trees and the grass.
Even when he was too sick for walks to be anything but exhausting, Kongdol-i had still wanted to feel dirt under his paws and breathe in the smell of trees and grass. The one mercy was that Golmokjib had a garden, however small. There, if only for a little while, Kongdol-i had stood on the earth. He'd smelled the soil, the trees, the grass. And when even that became too much, he had wanted to lie by the living-room window, and he had looked outside, twitching legs that had no strength left in them at all.
Remembering that, Lee Jun loved watching Kongdol-i drive four strong legs into the ground and run. Loved watching him walk. So he had held back and back on the urge to scoop him up, because seeing Kongdol-i walk and run with that bright smile was too good to miss. And still — feeling that warmth in his arms like this was even better.
Even as Lee Jun walked with Kongdol-i against his chest, Haennim-i kept smiling that wide smile and waving both paws, calling out as she did.
"Oppa! Banana Oppa~~!"
"Haennim-ah!"
Lee Jun called back toward her, packing the name with all the affection he had. A moment earlier he would have broken into a run. But he didn't feel like running now.
It's like she's showing off. Look at my paws. Aren't they pretty?
He wanted to hold that sight in his eyes for a long, long time. And it felt all right to take it slow. She would wait right there, he was sure of it. So he walked, step by step, carrying that full-to-bursting heart toward her — walking with hope in every stride.
He was still walking those hopeful steps toward Haennim-i when something tap-tapped against his leg. He looked down. Geumdal-i was batting at him with paws like little cotton mallets.
Lee Jun smiled and asked,
"Does Geumdal-i want a hug too?"
Geumdal-i, who had been looking right at him, slowly turned his head away.
"Well... if you want to hug me, I suppose you can."
He tossed the words out all grumpy, as if it made no difference whether he got picked up or not. But Lee Jun knew exactly how much Geumdal-i wanted to be held.
Look at him. He's got both front paws pressed tight together.
He did. Whenever Geumdal-i wanted something, he put his two front paws together just like that — the so-called prayer pose. How was anyone supposed to say no to a face that cute? Geumdal-i had always wrung treats out of Kwak Suho with that lethal brand of adorable.
"Hyung just wants to hold our Geumdal-i, that's all."
The words must have pleased him, because Geumdal-i broke into a wide grin.
"If Hyung insists, I guess I have no choice."
And with that, Geumdal-i sprang up into the air. A moment later Lee Jun was walking on with Kongdol-i in one arm and Geumdal-i in the other, still heading toward Haennim-i.
Before long, Cha-cha joined them too. Lee Jun watched the little bird come flying toward his shoulder and smiled, warm and full. The whole trio was together now.
Geumdal-i and Cha-cha, who had gone so listless after Kongdol-i left for the Dog Star. And Cha-cha, who had refused food and water entirely after Geumdal-i left for the Cat Star too.
That Woojin. He really did work himself to the bone.
Trying to get Cha-cha well again, when the little bird had lost his appetite and wasted away. Choi Woo-jin wasn't so good with birds for no reason.
Lee Jun was thinking how good it was, truly good, that the three of them were here together, when Geumdal-i spoke.
"Hyung, about our youngest. She's so big, but she's cute. And kind."
Who was he calling the youngest? Haennim-i, maybe? The corner of Lee Jun's mouth lifted at the thought.
The youngest... so you're family, then.
The three in his arms, of course — and everyone else, too. Here, they were all family. Lee Jun looked down at the animals trotting along beside him. They were walking with light, cheerful steps, and his mouth curved up on its own.
You kids.
They looked so close. Not lonely, not left out — all mixed up together and getting along. He was still smiling at that when Kongdol-i pointed ahead with a plump paw.
"That's right. The biggest, and the cutest, and the tiniest. Puhuhut."
At Kongdol-i's follow-up — that Haennim-i, the biggest of them, was also the youngest — Lee Jun laughed.
"Haennim-i's the youngest?"
"Yeah. Our youngest, who's big and little. Cute and kind."
"Rong-rong, she's so kind. She's big but she's not big at all. Super, super cute. Torororong-rong-rong."
A clear, bright chirping rang from Lee Jun's shoulder. When Cha-cha was in a good mood he made that tororong-rong sound and pulled the cutest faces; when he wasn't, there wasn't a tougher guy around.
Cha-cha. You must really like Haennim-i.
For no particular reason, Lee Jun felt happier.
"Then, kids — is Cha-cha the oldest hyung?"
Lee Jun asked the three of them, remembering what Cha-cha had declared earlier when the animals were squabbling.
"Yep, I'm the hyung. The oldest hyung. Tororong-rong."
In even better spirits now, Cha-cha fluttered his wings as he chirped, the sound still clear and sweet.
"Then who's second?"
"Me, me!"
Geumdal-i shot a front paw straight up.
"Then our Kongdol-i's third?"
"Hehe, well, that too — but I'm the oldest hyung, Hyung."
"Huh? Cha-cha said he was the oldest..."
Lee Jun had been about to finish with didn't he? and then closed his mouth. He thought he understood why Kongdol-i would say it.
"Hehe, I got here first. So I'm the hyung. I welcomed Geumdal-i, and I welcomed Cha-cha too."
"Well, that's true, but I was with Hyung longer than he was."
"Hey, hey — I was around longer than you. So I'm the oldest hyung! Ahem!"
Cha-cha dropped his voice into a low rumble, trying to sound grave.
"Puhut, that's true too. Well, I like Cha-cha being hyung. We're all together."
"Well... yeah."
"...Alright."
At Kongdol-i's point — that being together was what mattered, so it didn't matter who was hyung — the other two conceded.
Talking with the trio, Lee Jun figured it out. So whoever got here first is the hyung. That's why Haennim-i's the youngest. Then the one above her would be...?
In that instant, one face came to him. Teun-teun-i, who had shown him such a beautiful smile on his way to the Dog Star.
And then —
"Hyungnim~~!"
A Schnauzer came running toward Lee Jun, beaming so hard his whole face was a smile — Teun-teun-i, who'd smiled so much he'd earned the nickname Banggeul-i, Smiley.
"Teun-teun-ah!"
"Hyungnim, Benefactor Hyungnim, I missed you!"
Teun-teun-i came walking up, grinning from ear to ear, showing off those handsome snow-white eyebrows and whiskers. Watching him come, four strong legs driving hard into the earth, Lee Jun felt a rush of relief.
He doesn't look like he's hurting. Thank god.
And come to think of it, none of the animals looking up at him seemed to be hurting. The thought slipped out of his mouth.
"None of you are hurting anywhere, right?"
"Uh-huh, Hyung, I'm not hurting."
"Hehe, I'm super strong. Super duper."
"I'm not in pain."
"Yes."
The animals answered that they weren't hurting, and the voices rose bright and ringing, almost like a song. It sounded so good that Lee Jun's smile deepened.
"Good. Not hurting is the best thing there is."
It really was. He was still thinking that when Kongdol-i hopped right out of his arms. Lee Jun startled and cried out.
"Kongdol-ah! You'll hurt yourself jumping down like that!"
Lee Jun stared at him, worried, and Kongdol-i looked up from the ground, grinning.
"Puhuhut, Hyung, I don't hurt at all. I'm in perfect shape. I can run and run and it doesn't hurt even a little. Want to see?"
Kongdol-i bounced away, boing-boing-boing. Right after him, Geumdal-i leapt down from Lee Jun's other arm in a flash, and as he scampered off he shouted,
"I can run faster!"
"Puhut, I'm faster."
Geumdal-i and Kongdol-i picked up speed, running the way they used to when they were well, tearing around the garden at Golmokjib.
"Hmph, you fools! Run all you want."
Cha-cha scoffed at the two of them, spread his wings, and fluttered off. He could have been far ahead in an instant — and still he circled and circled over their heads. Lee Jun knew that heart well, and he smiled.
You. You still just want to be with the two of them.
He was still wearing that fond smile when Kongdol-i suddenly put on a burst of speed.
"Hehe, where were you? Hyung got here a while ago."
"That kid was staring at the sky again, I bet."
Geumdal-i said it as he and Kongdol-i ran, one pulling ahead, the other catching up. Lee Jun still couldn't see who they meant, so he looked toward where Kongdol-i and Geumdal-i were running — and even then, he didn't stop walking toward Haennim-i.
He was still walking when, far off, a yellow ball came rolling toward them. The ball grew larger, began to take shape, and became a dog with pale gold fur.
Lee Jun's eyes went wide. He was so glad to see him.
The gold-coated dog came pounding in fast, calling out as he ran.
"Meongmeong Teacher... I missed you, woof!"
"...Nuri!"
Lee Jun bent his knees and threw his arms wide to catch him. And then — Nuri slipped right into them.
"I missed you, Teacher, woof. I missed you so, so much, woof."
"I know, I know. Me too."
I missed you, Nuri. And thank you — thank you for showing me you healthy.
Hah. This is so good. All of them well. All of them smiling that wide. All of them looking happy.
Yes. This was what he'd wanted. For no one to be hurting. For everyone to be happy. He'd thought it was a dream he could never reach. And here it was.
Lee Jun smiled a truly happy smile.
"Puhut, our third little one finally got a hug from Hyung."
"Hehe, Teacher, hug me too."
"Me, me too!"
They all came crowding in, asking to be held. Watching the animals climb toward his lap as he sat there, Nuri gently slipped down from his arms, smiling as he went. And then Teun-teun-i, who had been about to climb up, spoke.
"Nuri-hyungnim, please sit. I'll sit here."
"No, woof. Little brother Teun-teun-i, you sit, woof. I'm fine right here, woof."
"I must decline. Didn't Nuri-hyungnim miss Benefactor Hyungnim terribly? Please sit."
They weren't squabbling over who got Lee Jun's lap. They were yielding it to each other. Lee Jun watched them and smiled, warm all the way through.
That was when Haennim-i — who had been smiling and waving her cute paws toward him this whole time — called out in a big voice.
"Oppas! I'll hug you."
And then she added,
"Hehe, Banana Oppa! Wait for me~~!"
Haennim-i, who until now had only been smiling and waving from the tree, bounced down from the branches with a soft pom.
The words left Lee Jun's mouth on their own.
"Haennim-ah! You'll hurt yourself jumping down! If you hurt your leg, we'll be in real trouble!"
"Hehe, Banana Oppa! I don't hurt! I don't hurt even a little?"
Having bounced down, Haennim-i came walking toward him, fluttering both front paws like wings. On two legs.
A reunion he had wanted so badly. As Lee Jun watched her come, the two who had been yielding his lap to each other — Teun-teun-i and Nuri — spoke up together.
"Benefactor Hyungnim, please hug the youngest."
"Meongmeong Teacher, hug the youngest, woof!"
And after those two, the trio added their voices.
"Puhut, Hyung, the youngest waited for you so, so much."
"She did spend every day looking at the sky, missing only you."
"That's right. She drew your face every single day."
So hug her. Welcome her. Lee Jun stood up from where he'd been sitting.
"Haennim-ah~!"
"Oppa! Banana Oppa~~!"
Haennim-i came walking, waving her front legs in happy little bounces, planting her thick hind legs against the ground with solid, thudding steps. A strong gait. Unshaking. Steady.
Lee Jun wanted to run to her that instant and hold her — and he didn't. Hadn't this been what she'd wanted? To walk like this?
Instead he opened both arms wide and waited for her.
Thump. Thump-thump.
Haennim-i's footsteps quickened, little by little. And then —
She threw herself into him.
Haennim-i wrapped him up tight, and Lee Jun wrapped her up right back. He could feel her warmth. He could hear the thump-thump-thump of her heart. And Haennim-i laughed, hehehe.
"Hehehe, Banana Oppa, Oppa, I missed you."
"I missed our Haennim-i too."
This Haennim-i, warm like this in his arms. Holding her with both arms open, Lee Jun felt the guilt he had always carried begin to melt — only a little, but it melted.