Wishes Drawn in the Sky
After coming back from Donghae at Senior Kang Han-ul's call, Lee Jun regretted it.
I should have kept going with Han-ul to see the Somang-is.
Back in undergrad he had carved out time to volunteer at the caged-bear farms a few times, but once he entered graduate school there had simply been no room for it. He had been living as if he were on twenty-four-hour call at the university animal hospital. In those frantic days, even going home to sleep had felt like a luxury.
Still. If I'd wanted the time, I could have made it. At least once a month...
Even as the thought formed, Lee Jun gave a slight shake of his head and corrected himself.
Well, once a month might have been a stretch. But at least once a quarter. Yeah. I should have gone.
If he had only set his mind to it, he could have. He hadn't.
Right. Saying I didn't have time is just an excuse. I could have gone over vacation, at the very least.
The truth was that Lee Jun had never once taken anything resembling a real vacation while he was in school. During breaks he always went out on the surgical department's volunteer trips, and whenever personal leave was granted, he threw himself entirely into the work of VBB, the organization he belonged to.
VBB — Vets Beyond Borders — was a volunteer group whose name meant exactly that: veterinarians who crossed borders to provide care in developing countries.
It was through that work that Lee Jun had forged a close friendship with Cha Da-jeong's older brother, Cha Wuk. He had grown close with the other veterinarians at Daehan Animal Hospital as well. Even his skill at heartworm extraction was something he had honed on those volunteer missions.
And whenever any time remained, he would race out to Namyangju to volunteer at Uriteul Shelter.
He had lived that busy. And yet, after seeing Haennim-i on the brink of death, none of that frantic past even registered. All he felt was sorry — sorry that in deciding to practice small-animal medicine, in pouring himself into small animals, he had failed to look after Haennim-i. Failed to look after the Somang-is.
If I'd split my Uriteul days and gone to see Haennim-i instead, she'd be smiling at an Animal Sanctuary by now, wouldn't she?
The thought barely formed before he shook his head.
No. That's an excuse too. If I'd just gone that one time, it would have been enough.
That "one time" was right after Lee Jun had first begun to understand the language of animals. And still he hadn't gone. He hadn't had the courage to visit the Somang-is, the Yonggami. If he learned what they were thinking — if he had to bear their resentment — how could he possibly endure it? His feet simply would not move.
Yeah. That's me. I just ran away. I was too afraid to look those kids in the eye.
Because there was nothing he could give them — those children who were holding the world at bay with everything they had. Lee Jun resented himself: that he had less courage than they did. That he was so weak.
What was one banana, in the end?
He hadn't even had the courage to go see Haennim-i — the bear who had taken that banana in her paws and smiled so brightly as she stretched a foot out through the bars. That was the truth of it. Lee Jun resented the self who had failed to be brave. Yes. Whenever he thought of Haennim-i, he blamed himself for not finding "just a little more" courage.
The guilt sat heavy in him, always. When they reunited and he saw that one of her feet was gone, he told himself that was his fault too. When he saw her slumped against the bars, too sick to stand, he told himself that was his fault as well. Whenever Lee Jun thought of Haennim-i, a place in his chest ached with a dull, dense weight. That was where the guilt lived — the guilt he carried for them, for all the Somang-is.
Facing Haennim-i now, the guilt he had always carried seemed, if only a little, to thin. And so Lee Jun smiled. At two front paws, not one. At a Haennim-i who was not weak, but bright and full of life.
"Hehehe, Oppa! Banana Oppa!"
Haennim-i leaned her great face against Lee Jun's shoulder. He stroked her round forehead as he answered.
"Yeah, Haennim-ah."
That was when it happened.
Pat-pat-pat-pat-pat.
Applause spread across the wide, open meadow — the sound of every animal clapping with their front paws. Cats, dogs, a monkey, a ferret, a hedgehog, even a turtle standing on two sturdy legs planted in the soft grass: all of them were clapping.
"Heehee, our baby sister drew him in the sky every single day."
"That's right, that's right. She drew him in the sky every day."
"She drew him lying down, you know. Standing up, too."
"See? I told you — if you draw it in the sky, it really does come true~."
They chattered on like that.
"Draw it in the sky?"
"Puhut, so, Hyung-ah. We draw things up there in the sky."
Kongdol-i pointed a front paw at the blue. Lee Jun looked up and murmured,
"Huh? The clouds cleared. There were white ones floating around just a second ago."
They had been so purely white, so pretty, he thought, gazing upward.
"So, Hyung-ah~ those clouds? Haennim-i drew them."
Once again, Kongdol-i spoke as if he had read Lee Jun's mind.
"Haennim-i drew them? The clouds?"
"Hehe, yeah, Oppa! I drew Banana Oppa over and over!"
Lee Jun blinked, still not quite grasping it, and Geumdal-i chimed in from the side.
"Hmph. If you put it like that, Hyung won't understand. Can't be helped. I'll have to explain."
Listening to him, a thought flickered through Lee Jun's mind. The way he talks... he sounds like someone. Wait — who was it? The thought passed. He focused on what Geumdal-i said next.
"If you draw what you want in that sky up there, it comes true."
"Comes true?"
"Yeah. If I draw Oppa over and over, Oppa appears. Hehe."
"I... I drew my mom."
"I drew Mom too, woof. And my sister... woof."
Beside Haennim-i, Teun-teun-i and Nuri both looked up at the sky as they spoke, their eyes full of longing. Lee Jun read that look.
They miss their families, don't they.
Whenever the ache came, they must have drawn their family's faces in that blue sky and yearned. The thought made his throat go dry, and the rims of his eyes grew hot. He, too, had looked up at the sky whenever he missed his grandfather, whenever he missed Kongdol-i.
Before he knew it, every animal around Lee Jun was gazing upward. And a moment later, in a sky that had been empty of even a single cloud, white clouds began to form, little by little. Small, adorable clouds.
"Grow. Grow."
Geumdal-i muttered it softly, staring at.
"Get bigger, you! Get bigger!"
Cha-cha — when had he perched on Haennim-i's shoulder? — hurled the words at the sky as if picking a fight.
"What are you two doing?"
Lee Jun looked at them strangely, and Kongdol-i grinned.
"Puhut, so, Hyung-ah. They're doing that because they miss their hyungs' faces."
"Woojin and Suho?"
"Yeah. If they keep drawing like that, their hyungs' faces show up."
Longing becoming clouds, painting the faces they wanted to see. Lee Jun looked at Geumdal-i and Cha-cha staring so yearningly at the sky, and thought of his friends.
Hey, you two. Do you know? That they miss you this much.
As he thought of them, Lee Jun turned to Kongdol-i and Haennim-i. Everyone else was looking at the sky. Only those two were looking at him.
So I was the one they wanted to see most.
While the others were drawing the ones they missed in the sky, these two were looking at him. He wanted to smile with joy. He wanted to cry because that feeling was so tender it hurt. And he was grateful, too.
Looking at them with that tangle of emotion, a thought suddenly came to him.
These kids... when they met me, they must have had so many things they wanted to do, too, right?
He himself had thought that countless times.
I have to tell them I love them. I have to give them so many delicious things. I have to hold them tight. I have to stroke their fur until it's glossy from the touch of my hands. I have to walk them so long my legs ache. I wanted to let them run on a sandy beach. There was so, so much he had wanted to do for them. And I have to look at them until my eyes sting from looking too long.
Like that. So the precious beings in front of him must have dreamed those same wishes.
Lee Jun opened his mouth.
"Is there something you want to do? With this hyung, I mean."
"Puhut, there is, Hyung-ah."
"Oppa. There is!"
Kongdol-i and Haennim-i answered with huge smiles, and then voices rose from all around.
"I... I have something too."
"Me too. There's something I want to do with Hyungnim."
"I, I have one! Hyung, I, I — Cha-cha has something he wants to do with Hyung!"
"I have one too. Hyung, do mine before Cha-cha's. Geumdal-i's first!"
"I have one too, woof."
The animals who had been gazing at the sky came rushing over to Lee Jun, eyes sparkling.
"If it's something this hyung can do, I'll do it all. Who's first?"
Then the animals spoke with one voice.
"Haennim-i!"
Kongdol-i, Cha-cha, Geumdal-i, Teun-teun-i, Nuri — every last one of them.
"Haennim-i?"
"Yeah, yeah, she's the youngest."
"The youngest should go first."
"Baby sister, tell Hyung."
"You guys really look after the youngest, huh."
"Of course. She's the baby."
Animals of every shape and size beamed as they looked at Haennim-i. Stay this close. Always. Lee Jun wished it silently, then spoke.
"Haennim-ah, what do you want to do?"
"Hehe, Oppa, there are lots of things I want to do..."
"Okay. Tell me all of them."
"Hehe, my friends are smiling, heehee. Thank you, Oppa."
"Huh?"
He had asked what she wanted to do — why was she suddenly saying thank you? Lee Jun looked at her, puzzled, and Haennim-i flopped onto her back.
"Hehe, my friends went like this and patted their bellies. Smiling, heehee."
It meant their bellies were full, and they felt good. Haennim-i sat back up and went on.
"And, and my friends keep going like this."
Sitting, she patted both front paws against the ground, grinning as wide as she could.
"It doesn't hurt. It feels really, really good."
She was saying that this — this motion — was what you did when you felt happy. Then she sprang up and toddled a few steps.
"My friends keep going like this, with their eyes all wide like this."
Haennim-i opened her black eyes wide, smiling as she walked.
"Walking like this doesn't hurt, and that's so good. And even if I walk and walk, there's none of this."
With a front paw she drew a line from top to bottom. The bars of a cage.
The smile on Lee Jun's face faltered; his mouth pulled tight. It was the same expression he had worn when Hoesaegi, Gkamnyangi, and Sapsaree had watched the footage of the Somang-is in their floating cages. Haennim-i looked at him and said,
She drew the line with her paw once more.
"Heehee, and going whoosh up high was so good."
"Whoosh? You mean the airplane?"
"Well. I'll admit Haennim-i went higher than I ever have. But the part where she got to be with our hyung? That makes me jealous."
Cha-cha sniped, and Geumdal-i crossed his paws and nodded.
"Same. Haennim-i getting to be with our hyung makes me jealous too."
"Hehe, Cha-cha Oppa, Geumdal-i Oppa, I'm sorry."
Haennim-i smiled as she apologized, and Cha-cha and Geumdal-i's beaks and mouths fell open in matching grins.
"Well. She is a big, cute baby sister. We'll allow it."
"That's true. She's enormous, but she's a cute, good baby, so our hyung must have adored her too."
"Yeah, yeah, it was really, really good. The oppas were so, so good. When I was hurting so much I was like this, they put beans down so it wouldn't hurt, and they told me I was going somewhere nice, and they hugged me, and heh... so it didn't hurt at all."
A lie. It had hurt. It had hurt so, so much. Lee Jun remembered Haennim-i panting for breath on the airplane, and looked at the Haennim-i in front of him with aching eyes.
"So it didn't hurt? Hehe, Banana Oppa! Tell Cha-cha Oppa's oppa, and Geumdal-i Oppa's oppa too, and the strong oppa who hugged Haennim-i."
"......Okay."
Lee Jun's voice shook as he answered.
Haennim-i had never once said she resented him. She had smiled instead. From the first moment they met, banana in her paws, all the way to this instant, she had done nothing but smile. Grateful for that, and sorry for that, Lee Jun walked over to her. And he held her tight.
"Thank you, Haennim-ah."
"Hehe, Oppa~~!"
"And is there anything else you want?"
"Walking with Oppa. I want to try walking really far."
"Okay. Let's walk."
Lee Jun walked side by side with Haennim-i. As they went, she swung her front legs, whoosh-whoosh-whoosh.
"It's amazing. I like it so, so much. I like walking. I can go so, so far, and that feels really good."
"Yeah. It does."
Not one step or ten, but a hundred, a thousand — they could keep walking and walking, as far as they wanted. The other animals fell in beside Lee Jun and Haennim-i.
After they had been walking happily for a while, Haennim-i said,
"Banana Oppa. Let's hug the oppas."
"Shall we?"
Lee Jun scooped up Kongdol-i and Geumdal-i, and Haennim-i gathered Teun-teun-i and Nuri in her arms, and they walked on. After a little while they hugged different animals. Between the two of them, they hugged every last one, not a single creature left out.
"Puhut, our Hyung-ah is the best! Right?"
At Kongdol-i's words, they all raised their voices.
"Yeah!"
As they walked, a wide platform came into view beneath a great tree.
"There's a platform here too?"
"Puhut, Hyung-ah, we play there every day."
"Yeah? Let's go."
What Lee Jun had taken for a wooden platform was a broad, flat boulder, warmed through by the sun. Overhead, the branches of the tree laid a canopy of shade. Before long everyone had climbed onto the rock and settled in a cluster around him. Kongdol-i pillowed his head on Lee Jun's knee and grinned.
"Puhut, I always wanted to sleep on Hyung's lap. This is nice."
"I... me too. Can I lie down, woof?"
"Of course. If you want to lie down, you lie down. Come here, Nuri."
Some of the animals leaned against Lee Jun's lap; others rested against Haennim-i's legs. They were resting in that easy quiet when Cha-cha fluttered his wings and said,
"Now let's do what Teun-teun-i wants."
"Yeah, Teun-teun-i said he has something he wants to tell Hyung-ah."
"Something you want to say? Teun-teun-ah, go ahead."
At Lee Jun's words, Teun-teun-i's eyes shone, bright and sparkling.