Dust and a Whisper from the Past
I still wasn't sure.
As the car pulled farther away from the hospital, the familiar faces of my neighborhood came into view through the window.
The alleys and buildings flashing by outside were nothing new.
Ah, that café is still there. Good thing.
I spotted the café where I'd often gone while in school. It wasn't busy, but that was exactly why it had been perfect for studying or reading.
Even now, many stores were still operating right where I remembered them standing.
Kind of expected, really.
It hadn't been years since I collapsed—just a little over a year.
The more the car climbed the alley, the more the familiar path unfolded.
I asked the driver to stop at the point where the steps began, at the end of the narrow lane.
“Ah, you can pull over right here.”
“Right here? Understood, just a moment.”
The driver gently parked the car.
Thank you. I bowed and started to step out of the stairs… then stopped.
Was this staircase always this steep? This can't be right.
I looked up.
No. That's my house.
“All right, I'll see you next week!”
The driver called out. When I bowed in thanks, the car soon pulled away.
It would have been nice if he could take me all the way to the door, but the car couldn't go up there. What a shame.
I stared at the steps, then let out a sigh.
It must be because I'm shorter now. The stairs look so steep.
The moment my eye level changed and my stride shifted, it felt even worse.
I took one step up. It really took more effort than I expected.
My joints and bones hadn't fully recovered yet, after all.
Maybe I should move to a lower place.
I unlocked the old apartment door at the top of the stairs and stepped inside.
First floor.
I turned the key, and the dim interior revealed itself.
“Whew.”
The moment I opened the door, a thick cloud of dust rushed out.
I turned my head at the sudden rough smell that hit me.
When I switched on the light, the inside of the house looked even worse. White dust coated every visible surface.
I tried wiping it away with my hand, but it was useless.
I quickly gave up and brought out the duster to start cleaning every corner.
“Cough, cough!”
In an instant my eyes stung and my nose burned.
I could see dust particles floating in the air beyond the lamp.
If I had known, I would have put on a mask at the hospital. Even as a woman, the allergy reactions remain the same.
After wiping and dusting several times, the house finally looked like itself again.
Since it's dry season, maybe it's a blessing that mold hasn't grown much on the wallpaper or in the bathroom.
I arrived home in the early afternoon after discharge, and after cleaning thoroughly, the sky outside had already turned quite dark.
I was thirsty. Was there water in the fridge?
I opened the fridge door without thinking, then slammed it shut again.
What the…? What did I see?
A bunch of black, huge lumps…
I cautiously opened the door once more.
The old food inside the refrigerator was decaying.
“Ugh…”
I blankly stared at the disaster, then quietly put my shoes back on.
Trash bags… I should buy bigger ones.
—
I headed toward the convenience store I always went to.
Fortunately, the store was still open and operating right there.
[Ding-dong]
“Welcome.”
As I opened the door and entered, the male part-timer at the counter greeted me mechanically.
I was about to bow when something felt familiar and I looked back at his face.
Um… ah! Even before I collapsed, this is the guy who worked part-time here.
He's still doing it. It's not just the store that hasn't changed—people are the same too.
Feeling a little glad, I greeted him with a smile.
“Hello.”
That's aside, I should quickly buy what I need and leave.
Meal boxes, a large bottle of water, and drinks.
I picked out appropriate items and placed them on the counter. Ah, and the trash bags.
“Regular garbage and food waste bags, please. Could you bundle them?”
“Ah, yes, yes! H-how many liters do you want?”
The part-timer suddenly stumbled over his words.
Maybe he wasn't feeling well—his face was a bit red. A cold, perhaps.
“One regular trash 10 liters and… one food waste 2 liters, please.”
“Yes, wait a second… It’s 15,200 won!”
I paid and took the items.
Great. I’ll quickly finish cleaning and washing up at home and go to bed.
I forgot my shopping basket and had to carry everything in my arms.
I was about to say goodbye and leave when a voice suddenly called from behind.
“Um… excuse me.”
The part-timer was calling out to me.
What is it? He’s carrying water, so it’s heavy.
“Yes?”
“Um… are you a student at Dohwa University?”
“Yes. Why?”
“No. Just… take care. It’s snowing a lot.”
What?
I bowed in greeting and left the convenience store.
As the part-timer said, it was snowing heavily again.
… When will I finally climb those stairs.
—
I emptied the trash, wiped the inside of the fridge, and finished cleaning everything else.
After showering almost while half-asleep and lying down, it was already past ten-thirty.
Now I really couldn’t do anything.
On the freshly cleaned bed, I spread my limbs wide.
Because I exercised a lot today after a long time, I fell asleep the moment I lay down.
I need to eat dinner.
The meal box I bought earlier had been cooling in the fridge.
Just a little… maybe I can close my eyes for a bit.
Just a little, really just a little. Then I’ll wake up, eat, brush my teeth, and sleep.
Yeah…
….
[KakaoTalk!]
I startled awake.
When did I fall asleep? My hair was stuck to my cheek, so I pulled it away.
I looked at my phone and saw several notifications.
[Jung Ha-neul: Yo]
[Jung Ha-neul: I thought you weren’t free today since you were discharged?]
[Jung Ha-neul: Was discharge made?]
Ha-neul’s KakaoTalk.
Because I was so out of it, I hadn’t contacted anyone today.
I picked up the phone and quickly sent a reply.
[Lee Soo-rim: I was too distracted to reach out ₁]
[Lee Soo-rim: I got discharged ₁]
[Lee Soo-rim: I cleaned the house all day long ₁]
[Lee Soo-rim: It’s finally over ₁]
But even after sending the reply immediately, the ₁ didn’t disappear.
I set the phone aside for a moment and stared at the ceiling.
Yeah. I got discharged. Today. I finished the one-year battle with the disease.
I lifted my head and looked at the desk. In the small mirror stuck to the edge of the desk, my face was reflected.
A young woman staring expressionlessly at the opposite side of the mirror.
The disease I contracted.
SCPRS (Systemic Complete Phenotypic Reversal Syndrome), Korean for “Systemic Complete Phenotypic Reversal Syndrome.”
More simply put, TS Disease.
A disease that completely flips the biological sex of the patient.
An incurable disease. It’s impossible to return to the previous state depending on the mechanism, and only preventive treatment or life-saving procedures are possible.
Since the 1980s, fewer than 60 patients have accumulated in South Korea, and worldwide it’s an extremely rare disease.
Written like this, it seems terribly scary, but it was terrifyingly real.
Even with concentrated care from top medical professionals at a specialized hospital, the mortality rate exceeded 30 percent.
There was no story like, “I woke up one day and magically became the opposite sex” like in fiction.
If changing gender itself was magical, there would be nothing to say.
But this wasn’t magic or a phenomenon. It was a real disease of reality and the agony of body and mind.
For more than six months after onset, hormones raged, bones and muscles, skin and organs rearranged, and sizes changed.
An already mature body was being rewritten for the opposite sex. Of course it hurt like hell and was unbearable.
Actually, I don’t remember the really painful parts because I was in a coma. The doctor said that otherwise my body would have suffered too much and gone into shock.
Even after regaining consciousness, it was the same.
I woke up after four months of onset, and even then I couldn’t move freely. I was tied to the bed until my bones hardened and organs found their places.
After my condition improved a bit, I practiced walking. It was like wearing an exoskeleton suit like Iron Man.
Still, I fell hundreds of times. I had no choice. My leg length had changed and my perfect sense of balance had been completely thrown off.
In that situation, I didn’t have time to worry about anything other than SCPRS.
Hospital bills for my hospitalized grandmother or issues with school leave.
Somehow I survived SCPRS without dying, but worse problems were waiting for me.
If Ha-neul hadn’t helped me.
There was no one else I could trust and rely on.
Since middle school, Ha-neul was the person who knew me best.
[KakaoTalk!]
[Jung Ha-neul: oH]
[Jung Ha-neul: How are you?]
[Jung Ha-neul: How’s the discharge?]
[Lee Soo-rim: lol]
[Lee Soo-rim: Discharge what?]
[Lee Soo-rim: You didn’t clean for me last time you came over to my house, right?]
[Jung Ha-neul: y]
[Jung Ha-neul: Why?]
[Lee Soo-rim: It looked super dusty today]
[Jung Ha-neul: I cleaned it three months ago]
[Jung Ha-neul: lol]
[Jung Ha-neul: I thought you’d be buried in dust because of you, so I bought something delicious]
[Jung Ha-neul: Admit it?]
[Jung Ha-neul: But I’ll contact you a little later ]
If he cleaned it three months ago, then there must have been a lot of dust piled up then.
So how messy it was before that?
Anyway, he’s busy. I see he said he’d contact me later.
[Lee Soo-rim: Anyway, thank you ₁]
[Lee Soo-rim: Contact me later ₁]
Ha-neul didn’t reply. Yeah. I should buy something delicious for Ha-neul.
But more importantly, I need to properly repay him. I owe him a lot.
…. Next time, if we meet.
Among the people who knew me before I changed, no one has seen my changed appearance.
Except Ha-neul, no one has heard my voice. Even Ha-neul hasn’t seen my appearance directly.
When I just woke up from the coma, I couldn’t make any sound. My jaw hadn’t healed yet, so I couldn’t speak.
When my jaw healed, my vocal cords weren’t strong enough yet, so I couldn’t make much sound.
After my body was almost recovered and my movement was no longer a big problem… I just didn’t meet anyone or make calls.
I wasn’t the type to like making calls in the first place. My motto was to keep contacts short and concise.
If necessary, I’d send a quick KakaoTalk, and if a call was needed, I’d exchange short messages.
But that wasn’t the issue.
It didn’t feel possible to meet someone I knew in this appearance or to tell them my voice.
Because I was still male until a year ago.
Meeting and talking with hospital doctors and nurses was no big deal.
Those were the people I met after I became a woman and realized the fact myself.
They were people who knew and saw my female outer appearance.
But meeting people who knew my male self and showing them this appearance was a different matter.
Even though the shell had changed to female, what was inside was still me, Lee Soo-rim, who was male.
While my body changed because of the disease, that didn’t flip my mind at once.
I was in a confusing situation about myself, and I didn’t want to meet anyone who used to know me.
Because I was afraid they would be hurt or affected by this.
And because the me inside them might be overlaid with the image of someone completely different.
I’ll have to keep seeing people forever, but that’s not right now.
I’m still…
….
My eyelids grew heavy. As night deepened and the falling snow stopped, I slipped into sleep without realizing anything.
—