The Morning Visit
My vision was dim and hazy, like looking through a thin veil.
Faces of people flickered before my eyes, then vanished.
Suddenly, a blunt cut came out of nowhere.
I was in front of someone, trying desperately to explain.
— I’m Lee Soo-rim. Just Soo-rim.
I was explaining.
It wasn’t really an explanation; it was more like a plea.
But the person standing opposite me remained silent.
— Did you change gender because of it? I am… right?
The person in front of me looked down at me.
Tall and well-built. That face I knew.
But the gaze was different from the one I remembered.
No, more precisely, it was the gaze I knew. The one from when I first saw me. When I was completely unknown to him.
Cold and icy.
— …It’s not Lee Soo-rim.
Jung Ha-neul muttered.
Soo-rim is,
this appearance,
it’s not.
Why,
don’t you lie?
Lie.
Lie.
Lie.
Ha-neul turned around and walked away into the distance.
I stood frozen, without even reaching out a hand.
Lie.
My eyes ached.
I wanted to shout, but no sound came out.
Before I knew it, I was back in the long, closed ward hospital room.
Lying on the bed where my limbs were tied for bone alignment, I tried to move my body.
But I couldn’t move. I was bound. I wasn’t free.
I had already changed.
The doctor came closer holding a large surgical tool.
Looking back again, the doctor’s face was different from the one I knew.
Wrinkled face and nose. Short permed hair.
A mole beside the eye and sunken eyes.
— Grandmother? Grandmother?
The grandmother approached me with a blank face.
I tried to scream at the grandmother who didn’t recognize me, but no sound came out.
My vision narrowed more and more, tears welled up, the front turned dark, deeper, deeper…
….
….
[-Are you awake?]
Knock knock knock.
A sound of something being beaten.
It was the sound of knocking on the door.
I wriggled my body.
My head hurt because I hadn’t been able to sleep deeply.
I curled my body to find a more comfortable position, closed my eyes, and rested a little more…
….
[Are you awake? Professor Lee Soo-rim?]
Knock knock knock knock.
Ah, what’s going on…
I barely lifted my head. I didn’t even remember when I had fallen asleep, but the outside of the window was already bright.
I fumbled for my phone and checked the time. It was… 10:05.
…What? 10:05?
[-Professor?]
Ah, right. If it was past 10 now.
I remembered the official saying someone from the civil service would come today.
My mind snapped awake. Ugh, I broke the promise and slept in!
“I’m sorry! Just a moment!”
I ran out in a hurry and opened the door.
A pair of a young man and a woman stood in front of the door. The young man and the woman who looked a bit older than him.
I wondered how long they had been standing there, the tops of the umbrellas they were holding were covered with snow and pure white. The door suddenly opening startled them a little.
“I’m sorry… I returned from the hospital yesterday and fell asleep, forgetting…”
“Ah, no. It’s fine. You are Professor Lee Soo-rim, right?”
“Yes, yes…. Were we late?”
The woman smiled kindly and handed over a business card.
“No, we just arrived too. Ah, I am Kim Eun-hee, Team Leader from the Ministry of Health and Welfare, and this is Cheon Kang-woo, the responsible officer from the Korea Disease Control and Prevention Agency.”
“Ah, yes…. I’m Lee Soo-rim.”
I answered and felt my ears turning red.
So I am Lee Soo-rim. These people must have known all of it.
Don’t be stupid, Soo-rim.
“Yes, um, if it’s okay, could we talk inside the house? It’s snowing a bit outside.”
“Yes, of course!”
I answered hurriedly and my voice cracked.
I felt my ears getting even redder.
Fortunately, both Kim Eun-hee and Cheon Kang-woo didn’t seem bothered at all and came inside the house. The narrow entrance was already cramped with the two of them entering.
“Um, please sit wherever is comfortable. The house is small…”
“No. I’ll sit here for a moment, it’s fine.”
Team Leader Kim Eun-hee sat in a corner of the room, and next to her, Officer Cheon Kang-woo sat. Both of them were holding thick document envelopes.
I had slept in late. As the embarrassment subsided, the shame hit harder. I hadn’t washed my face or brushed my teeth yet.
“Um, sorry, can I just quickly brush my teeth and come out? I just woke up…”
“Ah, yes! Go ahead. Take your time.”
I quickly went to the bathroom and closed the door.
Ugh, sleeping in late. And on top of that, the nightmare made my condition bad.
I squeezed toothpaste onto the toothbrush and looked at the mirror. I didn’t think there were any bite marks or anything, did I?
Fortunately, there weren’t. Just my hair was a bit flattened. Red marks from the hair on my cheeks were scattered, but there was nothing I could do about it.
Squeak squeak.
While brushing my teeth without thinking, I saw the mirror and startled. In the mirror, a woman was brushing her teeth with a dazed expression.
Actually, I still wasn’t used to this face. I hadn’t seen my face in detail in the hospital very much.
From the early stages of treatment to the middle stage, I was unconscious, and even after waking up, I couldn’t look at the mirror until my body stabilized.
To adapt to the sudden change and to build the strength to accept it.
But when I first saw my changed appearance, I couldn’t easily accept it.
The person in the mirror was clearly… me, but much smaller, softer, and looked younger.
I didn’t lack the features of my previous self. The eye shape, nose, and ear shape were similar.
But as I became a woman, the size of my face became much smaller, and my height decreased. Overall, the skeleton became much slimmer.
The doctor said that when a man changes into a woman, the appearance looks better than before.
The features seemed more delicate.
Anyway, it took some time to accept that the person moving in the mirror was me.
When I went to the bathroom alone, I had startled a few times as if someone else had entered.
The doctor had said it was natural that I couldn’t accept my appearance right away. At the very least, even after plastic surgery, many people felt a sense of incongruity because their features changed completely, and since the gender had changed, it was only natural. He said to accept it slowly.
Now I knew that the person moving in the mirror was me, but still… I couldn’t help but sometimes feel like a completely different person.
….
Stop these unnecessary thoughts. There are guests outside.
Since I couldn’t wash at all, it was a bit awkward to go out, so I quickly washed my face and rinsed my mouth. After all, they were guests who came to my house. I couldn’t welcome them with sleepy eyes.
I quickly rinsed my mouth and wiped my face, and came out of the bathroom.
In that time, both Kim Eun-hee and Cheon Kang-woo took something out from the envelopes and organized them. I took out a drink from the fridge and went to sit in front of them carefully.
“Um…”
“Ah, you’re back? We will explain a few things.”
“Okay. Drink some.”
“Ah, thank you.”
I sat down. As soon as I sat, Team Leader Kim Eun-hee handed me several documents. Typical official document formats.
I slowly read the titles. Response plan after SCPRS onset, self-management and symptom checks after recovery, complication lists…
“Today, we came for a home visit, so we saw you in your home. From next time, we won’t meet face-to-face. Even if we do meet, we can meet at a cafe near your house.”
“Ah, yes.”
“First, how are you living now? After returning from the hospital, are there any inconveniences, such as restrictions on movement?”
“I still…. It’s only been a day since I returned from the hospital, so I don’t know yet.”
“Good. I’ll ask again next time. If there are any inconveniences or abnormalities, please let me know anytime.”
Team Leader Kim Eun-hee took out a tablet and recorded something.
“You must have been shocked by the sudden change in your body.”
“Yes, that’s right…. I was shocked.”
“You’ve worked hard. Is your health okay after recovery?”
“I was told there are no major complications yet…. I have to continue receiving check-ups.”
“I see.”
Team Leader Kim Eun-hee handed me several more documents.
“Most of them will probably get in touch from the administrative welfare center here. I will only explain the main policies and projects from the Ministry of Health and Welfare.”
Team Leader Kim Eun-hee continued explaining. It was a bit long and complicated, but a simple summary would be as follows.
SCPRS survivor emergency living stability grant payment: Level of 1 million won per month, paid for 1 year
Independence settlement fund support: 10 million won immediate payment (one-time)
Emergency medical services and psychological counseling support
Other public service supports such as housing services and employment support
The government’s support was largely two things. Monetary parts, a bit of money needed for living stability.
And intangible things like psychological counseling and housing services, employment support.
In any case, the conclusion was that patients with SCPRS, that is, TS disease, were managed at the government level, and there was no need to worry too much.
However, the living stability grant and independence settlement fund support must be applied for directly by the patient, and related documents must be prepared. Also, regarding public services, it was handled by the Ministry of the Interior and Safety, so if you receive contact from the administrative welfare center, you can follow them.
“Have you understood?”
“Yes….”
Not exactly, but I nodded ambiguously.