The Weight of Those Eyes
I… I’ve killed people before.
“Huh?”
Was she speaking socially rather than literally? Or maybe the kind of indirect responsibility people usually mean? Like bullying someone into isolation, or unintentionally hurting them.
I’d felt that strange guilt too, the kind that came from failing to save Seoyeon sometimes. The self-blame that I had killed her.
It had only lasted a moment, but the guilt back then had been as agonizing as the day my parents and little sister left me.
“Yeeun, if this is about not being able to save someone, you really shouldn’t—”
“That’s not it!”
Her sharp cry cut me off mid-sentence.
Han Yeeun lowered her head in silence right after.
“A long time ago, I reflected a villain’s attack and the building collapsed. A lot of civilians died because of it. I know what people say. That it wasn’t my fault, it was the villain’s. I know that.”
“But those screams… the way they looked at me… those dozens of eyes are still so clear in my mind.”
“Nothing else registers. When I close my eyes, in the darkness, in that pitch-black void, those dozens of pairs of eyes are watching me.”
“You killed us. You killed us. You killed us. You killed us. You killed us. You killed us. You killed us. You killed us…”
“If I’m not drunk or on pills, I can’t sleep properly. I’ve been addicted to alcohol since I was eighteen.”
“I should have been the one who got hit. If it was me, it wouldn’t have mattered. I’m a magical girl. I’m supposed to protect people. But I killed them. I… I…”
“Yeeun!”
I grabbed her shoulders in a panic.
She was trembling violently, eyes unfocused like when Sia remembered her senior’s past. Nothing around her seemed to register.
An even heavier guilt wrapped around her entire body. No—crushed her would be more accurate.
“Calm down, Yeeun. Look at me, okay?”
She was shaking like a leaf in the wind.
The weight of those memories was far too cruel for a girl who had only just turned twenty, hidden behind the title of magical girl.
“It was an accident. You didn’t mean for it to happen. What if you had taken the hit instead? What if you’d collapsed and the villains killed even more people? That would have been a tragedy created by the situation, not you committing murder.”
“But I was the one who reflected it! If I had just done a little better… if I had been stronger…!”
“Think about the people you did save, Yeeun. Do you think they survived simply because you were good or talented? Does that mean they don’t need to thank you?”
“…But Oppa’s family died the same way. They were killed by a magical girl’s reflected attack. Just like that magical girl killed your family, I killed people too.”
My breath caught in my throat.
How much had I resented magical girls?
How much had I hated them?
How badly had I wanted to kill them?
I was the one who had left malicious comments online and secretly joined anti-magical girl protests.
Even if I had improved a lot since then…
Could I really comfort her?
Was it right for me to comfort her?
Wouldn’t it just be hypocrisy?
Deep in my heart, it felt like the me from four years ago was screaming at the current me.
Stop pretending. Have you forgotten your mom and dad’s screams that day? Have you forgotten your little sister Han Seojin’s cries as she begged to be saved from under the rubble? Have you forgotten that a magical girl massacred your entire family?
Shut up.
The girl breaking apart in front of me right now wasn’t the magical girl I had hated that day and every day after.
She was just a fragile girl who couldn’t bear the weight of other people’s lives, who had nightmares every night and could only fall asleep by borrowing the strength of pills and alcohol.
“Yeeun… I lived resenting magical girls too, just like you said. Honestly, even now, thinking about that time still hurts. I used to believe all my misfortune started because of them.”
At my confession, Han Yeeun’s eyes trembled.
Her mouth opened and closed without sound, as if the words were stuck in her throat. I continued.
“But I was wrong. I realized it after meeting her at the convenience store. She was a victim too. A wounded person. I’m no saint, so I can’t say I forgive everything. But I’m not such a terrible person that I would keep resenting the magical girl who once protected my family and who my little sister adored.”
I looked at her with a real smile. Not a forced one. Not a faint one. A proper smile.
“I won’t tell you to forget. But stop blaming yourself. Don’t throw yourself away just because you couldn’t save those people. Think about the people who would be just as sad if they couldn’t save you, Yeeun.”
“Will Oppa… be sad too?”
“I’ll feel guilty too. I’ll think I should have comforted you better so you wouldn’t get hurt. I’ll do my best to help you endure those nightmares without needing pills or alcohol.”
A murderer and her victim.
The only one who could comfort a girl like her was me—the victim.
I didn’t know if I could chase away the nightmares that had crushed her for years.
But one thing was certain: the moment I let go of this hand, this girl would sink into a deep darkness she might never return from.
“Hic… Hwaaaang!! I… I was so scared…”
“Every time I closed my eyes, I was afraid I’d meet those eyes full of resentment. Every time I covered my ears, I was terrified I’d hear voices cursing me…”
“As time passed, it didn’t fade at all. Instead, my guilt only piled up, tightening around my neck like a noose…”
Han Yeeun buried her face in my chest and began sobbing like a child.
I don’t know how long she cried. Even after the tears stopped, she showed no sign of wanting to leave my side.
“Are you done crying?”
She nodded.
“Should we get some rest now?”
Silence.
“I’m too embarrassed to lift my face. It’s full of tears.”
“You can wipe them on my clothes, you know.”
“You want me to die of embarrassment?”
I let out a small chuckle.
She really wasn’t a kid anymore.
“Come on, let’s get you to bed. You have to brush your teeth. I’ll make some hangover soup for you tomorrow morning.”
“You’re making it yourself?”
“Myself. So go to sleep already.”
“No. I haven’t finished my drink yet. I should at least finish what I started. And the bet isn’t over either.”
Oh boy.
Han Yeeun hurriedly brought the soju and snacks back to the low table and held a glass out to me.
“This is going to make me wet the bed in my sleep.”
“Why are you suddenly so competitive toward the person who just comforted you?”
“I can’t burn Oppa, can I?”
“What does that even—mmph!”
“Drink, drink~”
She laughed as she practically poured the soju into my mouth. My stomach was already starting to protest.
How could a girl drink like this?
Was this the full power of an alcoholic?
“Oppa… Later… If I start staggering again, will you catch me?”
“If you’re staggering because you’re drunk, I won’t. I might even smack you on the back to sober you up.”
“Pfft, what is that? Fine, I’ll call it a draw for today.”
She threw herself onto the sofa.
“Then I’ll just clean up—oomph!?”
She grabbed my wrist as I tried to stand and pulled me toward her.
“You’ll be my drinking buddy again next time, right?”
“Anytime.”
After letting go of my wrist, Han Yeeun passed out cold not long after. She fell asleep without even pulling a blanket over herself.
“Is this my house or a shelter for troubled kids?”
I looked down at her face, peaceful and happy in sleep.
She really was cute when she looked like this.
I’d never really thought about my ideal type, but Han Yeeun had the kind of face that could make even someone who didn’t usually care about looks fall for her.
Though even someone like me, who didn’t pay much attention to chest size, couldn’t help but notice hers was…
“Ahjussi, what are you doing?”
“Whoa!? I wasn’t looking!”
“Sure you weren’t.”
Seo Eunha had come out of her room at some point and was looking back and forth between me and Han Yeeun.
Now that I thought about it, saying that Han Yeeun killing civilians wasn’t her fault meant it was the villain’s fault.
Not only had I taken the magical girl’s side in front of her, I had basically cursed villains. She probably wasn’t happy about that.
“Are you… bothered by it?”
“By what?”
“Me taking Yeeun’s side. Saying it was the villain’s fault.”
“Not really. I hate people who defend magical girls, but the one who created the situation that got civilians killed was definitely the villain. You called it an accident earlier and didn’t blame the villain in front of me either.”
“Ahaha…”
“I may be a villain, but I’ve never killed anyone. Do you know how big a crime you just committed, Ahjussi?”
“Shh, shh. What if Yeeun hears you while she’s sleeping?”
I was worried she might snap back with “So what?” but thankfully Seo Eunha really had only come out briefly. She went back inside without another word.
“Mmm… Oppa… If you run away, I’ll kill you…”
…She is saying she likes me, right?
I stared at my reflection in the mirror.
The poisonous boy from three years ago, the one who had joined anti-magical girl protests, was gone.
In his place stood only one clumsy guardian who couldn’t turn his back on a wounded magical girl.
“Even if I stop hating magical girls and villains… even if I end up forgiving them… please forgive me.”