The Button Is an Excuse
Having finished photographing the turtles, I returned to Cha Jun-jae with a light heart. Along the way I greeted my cute fish friends too. It was the first time in ages that both my mind and heart felt so full.
Leisure, it turned out, was the starting point of creation. Ideas that refused to come at my desk rose effortlessly underwater. I must have been a fish in a previous life.
“Cha Jun-jae!”
I shouted his name before I’d even pulled off my snorkeling mask. I wanted to show him the three turtles I’d captured so badly that I practically flew toward him. Mask perched on top of my head, I ran straight for him. He must have opened his eyes by then, yet he offered almost no reaction. Since he had always been a man of few responses, I didn’t think much of it.
“Jun-jae.”
“Yeah.”
“Look at this. Want to guess what I got?”
“A turtle.”
“Not just any turtle.”
I dropped down beside him and switched my phone on at once. I was about to open the gallery full of my three lucky turtles when Cha Jun-jae, expression still blank, caught my hand.
“Thirty-one minutes.”
To glare at me with such icy eyes over a single minute’s delay. I lifted the turtle photos anyway, telling him to look first. But he had already brought up a picture on his own phone and was waiting. Then, as if filming a commercial, he pressed the screen flat against his cheek.
“Current boyfriend discovers ex-boyfriend’s photo on girlfriend’s phone.”
“What?”
“Take it.”
He handed my phone back and immediately lay down. Once he had his own device again, he said nothing more. I felt more puzzled than angry as I stared at my screen. What ex-boyfriend? It was only a group shot from the reunion. A few seniors who had dropped by were in it too, along with Kim Seung-jae, who would have sulked if he’d been left out.
“How is this an ex-boyfriend photo?”
Cha Jun-jae kept his eyes fixed on his own phone in silence. He hadn’t even glanced at the turtles I’d photographed. My mood soured. More than anything, I couldn’t understand why he was acting as if he’d caught me cheating.
“Hey, Cha Jun-jae.”
I snatched the phone he was stubbornly staring at. To pull a face like that just because an ex happened to be in a harmless group photo. A spark of spite made me glare back at him.
“I think it’s time I knew too.”
“……”
“Don’t you have any ex-girlfriends? I want to throw a fit just like you.”
“I don’t.”
“Liar. You dated Yoo Ji-hye in high school. And in college there was that piano-department girl whose name I can’t remember…”
“You were the one who dated them.”
The words died in my throat. Me dating Yoo Ji-hye and the piano girl? I looked at him with an expression that said I’d heard every ridiculous thing now, but before the fight could even begin, I caught the way his eyes reddened. The anger that had been rising inside me sank like a stone. Cha Jun-jae, ears and eyes flushed, stared at me with a frustrated look I had never seen before.
“You dated Kim Jun-ha and Kim Seung-jae.”
Ah. Not that side, but the other side. The strange overlap in our dating timelines hadn’t been coincidence; it had been deliberate. It wasn’t only that his condition had worsened lately. He had been unwell for a long time. That was what he seemed to be telling me.
“You never even looked at me, yet you dated them.”
I couldn’t find a single reply. It was true. In this atmosphere I had no idea what words could soothe a Cha Jun-jae who had clearly lost his mind. It wasn’t because he claimed I never looked at him. When he saw my stunned face, he let out a small, bitter laugh, as if even he knew how absurd he sounded.
“Forget what I just said. It was a joke.”
The part of Cha Jun-jae that had run away returned after setting off two or three emotional bombs. He seemed to realize he had caused a massive accident; his face was no longer relaxed. When I stayed silent, he began watching me carefully.
The reason I couldn’t react at all was the shock of learning he had liked me for so long. He had always seemed indifferent to everything except his own business. He had never given me the slightest room as a woman. And yet here he was, hurt that I had never paid attention to him.
With too many thoughts crowding my head, I silently packed my things into my bag. I slipped on a light beach cover-up and trudged back to the accommodation. The exotic scenery of roads, sky, and sea had grown familiar, as if I had been born on the island. So had the quiet presence of Cha Jun-jae walking behind me. Only that morning he had held my hand without hesitation.
I had been so busy thinking about Cha Jun-jae that I had left the real one behind. I realized it the moment we reached the accommodation, when hunger made me turn around.
He stood motionless, staring only at me. He hadn’t even stepped onto the deck; he remained by the pool. Seeing him refuse to come closer, I finally released the sigh I had been holding back.
“Let’s have lunch.”
I had to fill my stomach first; the heart could wait. But at the mention of lunch Cha Jun-jae gave another unexpected answer.
“We can stop dating.”
“What?”
“I overstepped my bounds.”
“Hah.”
His face told me that if I agreed, he would dive straight into the pool. If Cha Jun-jae disappeared now, who would sort out the chaos rising inside me? My treacherous heart plummeted at the suggestion of breaking up. It was the most honest reaction he could have given. I didn’t want to part from Cha Jun-jae. My head kept repeating that this was all an act, that it was only until the sick fox recovered, yet my heart had already spoken.
When I had opened my eyes that morning and felt his kiss, I had thought, just for a moment, that dating him had been the right choice.
“You can just think I’ve gone crazy. I know I have lately…”
“You want to break up?”
“I feel awful.”
“So I’m the one being dumped right now?”
At that, Cha Jun-jae lifted his head. I beckoned to the man scorching under the sun. His eyes widened a fraction as he walked toward me, almost pulled by the gesture, and stepped onto the deck. He kicked off his shoes one by one and stood before me.
“Do you want to break up?”
I looked straight into his eyes. He said nothing. If he tried to dodge or deflate the moment again, I would end things. Cha Jun-jae seemed to sense the finality in the air; he simply looked down at me. Before his gaze could darken further, I told him the truth.
“If that’s your decision, tell me tomorrow. Think about it today. I’m going inside to work.”
I took the sandwich from the fridge and went into the bedroom. I didn’t lock the door in case he followed, but he postponed his answer until late evening. Knowing the conversation would hit me tomorrow, I lay on the bed and pouted.
I used to work fine and eat fine without Cha Jun-jae. Yet after only an afternoon apart, the day felt unbearably long. I rolled around, saved the finished scenario draft, and closed my laptop. I had written the scene where Hae-su cannot sleep after witnessing the murder of Su-hee, the girl she secretly loves. Seeing an unknown side of someone would surely leave anyone shaken. And if that side involved murder, the shock was complete.
I understood exactly how Hae-su would feel upon seeing the pure, graceful, well-regarded Su-hee smash a thug’s head with a rock in a dark alley. The fact that I understood it felt strange. It was because I kept substituting Cha Jun-jae in Su-hee’s place.
Night had grown deep. I turned off the lights in my mind and pulled the blanket to my chin. A knock sounded—knock, knock, knock—well past midnight. Without answering, I sat up and stared at the door. Cha Jun-jae entered anyway. In his hand was a shirt, the same one with a single button missing. As if it were an entrance fee, he carried it to my bed.
He sank onto the mattress and held the shirt out, mumbling, “This… the button…” then realized how transparent the excuse was even to himself. He dropped the shirt to the floor. His body, unable to hold back any longer, collapsed over mine. Pushed by his weight, I lay flat. He covered me completely, pressing his nose into the curve of my neck. His arms wrapped around my waist with no space between us. Feeling ticklish, I played with his hair, which smelled of fresh shampoo.
“You don’t want to break up with me, right?”
After a long silence, Cha Jun-jae gave the smallest nod, so faint it was like a breath of wind. I hugged his neck in forgiveness. He tightened the arms around my waist.
“You said you didn’t like me as a woman. Yet you like me so much.”
He nodded again, quietly, without exaggeration. It was strange. The knowledge that he liked me—liked me so, so much—unlocked every last bolt inside me. The heart that had always shrunk before him swelled with confidence and grew bold.
“Next time, just come without removing any buttons. At this rate I won’t have any shirts left.”
He nodded once more. The silent way he agreed was so endearing that I kissed the crown of his head without thinking. Cha Jun-jae stayed hidden against me, face buried in my chest. The way his back rose and fell told me how deeply his emotions were surging.
Cha Jun-jae likes me. More than anything. That was the greatest gift he could ever give.