The Kind of Love That Makes Me Crazy
It was all just that.
Cha Jun-jae, who used the excuse of a missing button to fall asleep in my bed. Cha Jun-jae, who got angry and asked if I was only dating guys with the last name Kim. Cha Jun-jae, who could only see my ex-boyfriend in our high school reunion group photo. Cha Jun-jae, who was madly, obsessively in love with me.
In truth, those weren’t words that should have made me purely happy. But when I gathered them all together, I felt like I’d suddenly become rich. The woman reflected in the mirror looked far too satisfied. Thinking of Cha Jun-jae out there making breakfast, I smoothed lotion onto my face with a contented smile.
The woman in the mirror had a towel wrapped around her wet hair and was gently patting her cheeks. She had the kind of cute, charming face that could make even the great and powerful Cha Jun-jae pine for her for years. I stood up with a bouncy little motion and gripped the edge of the vanity mirror. It was lucky I was currently at the peak of my beauty, but it seemed that Cha Jun-jae, blinded by love, had liked even the chubby version of me from elementary and middle school.
“Well, of course Cha Jun-jae would like me. There’s no way he wouldn’t.”
I had completely forgotten the time I once firmly declared that Cha Jun-jae could never like me. For a very brief moment, I fell headfirst into lovely self-adoration. As I turned my head left and right while staring at my reflection, a low voice reached me.
“Busy?”
Cha Jun-jae, who had left the bedroom earlier while muttering that he would make breakfast, was standing there holding a spatula. My face flushed tomato-red, and I immediately dropped into the chair at the vanity. I pretended nothing had happened and continued applying lotion as I looked at him.
“I’m getting a pimple. What?”
“Breakfast is ready.”
“I’ll be right there.”
I had no idea what kind of deranged smile I was wearing. After Cha Jun-jae gave a small nod and left, I pounded my fist on the vanity table.
I wanted to die of embarrassment. Please, please let him not have heard what I said. I roughly dried my damp hair and stepped outside.
The moment I opened the door, the savory aroma made me clap without hesitation. I had been wondering what to do with the expensive kimchi I’d bought. Seeing the kimchi fried rice topped with a perfectly soft-fried egg, I let out a cheer of victory.
“Nice.”
Cha Jun-jae was already seated at the table, his eyes slightly puffy. I wondered if he had cried secretly yesterday while I wasn’t looking. Humming a little tune, I pulled out a chair and sat down. Like a villain interrupting a sacred moment, I spoke to Cha Jun-jae while he was still praying.
“You must be thanking God, huh?”
Cha Jun-jae finished his silent prayer and opened his eyes. I was about to take a spoonful of the neatly rounded fried rice he had served me. His questioning gaze made me blink dramatically.
“You’re finally dating the girl you’ve dreamed about all this time.”
“……”
“That’s why you pray every day. To say thank you for getting to date me. Oh my god, Jun-jae. Or should I say… Jjuni.”
I was losing my mind. I knew I was acting strange, but I couldn’t stop teasing him. Cha Jun-jae tried hard to keep a blank face, but he couldn’t hide his reddened cheekbones and flushed cheeks. Even the way he silently picked up his spoon and lowered his gaze was adorable. The ticklish feeling in my chest kept producing more teasing words. I lowered my face to match his now-downcast eyes. I deliberately, deliberately brought myself to his lowered eye level.
“Are you crying?”
At my childish provocation, Cha Jun-jae didn’t waver. He simply swallowed the spoon. The fact that there was no rice on it at all made it even funnier.
“When did you start liking me? From the first time we met? From elementary school? Definitely not middle school, right? High school?”
Unlike me, who wanted to uncover all the secrets he had hidden for so long, Cha Jun-jae’s lips remained tightly sealed. Even when they did open, all that came out was something like this.
“Doesn’t it bother you?”
“That I’m bothered?”
“You.”
“Me?”
Couldn’t he tell just by looking? Whether this was the face of someone who had received a confession and felt upset or not. Someone who felt upset after a confession wouldn’t smile first. They wouldn’t sit there with a grim expression, wondering how to reject the person so the leech would finally let go.
I didn’t dislike Cha Jun-jae’s confession. Correction. I was happy right now that Cha Jun-jae had finally admitted he liked me. I couldn’t even explain why it felt so good, but every time I remembered that he liked me, my stomach fluttered.
“Stop saying such boring things. Do you want to look good to me?”
That seemed to catch his interest. Cha Jun-jae stared at me intently. Thinking of how he had collapsed into my arms yesterday, I burst out laughing.
“Give me your fried egg.”
To be honest, I had said it half as a joke, half as a tease. But Cha Jun-jae didn’t hesitate. He immediately slid one of his own fried eggs onto my plate. I looked down at my now two eggs with deep satisfaction. I broke one with my spoon and placed it on top of the fried rice. Then I carefully scooped up a bite and held it out toward his lips.
“Ah, open up.”
Cha Jun-jae probably didn’t even realize it himself. What kind of affectionate expression he made every time I approached him. How lovely it was to watch his face shift from guarded, to dazed, then soften with shyness. The past where I had hated him felt like a lie. Now I was doing my absolute best to cherish him. Cha Jun-jae slowly took the spoon I offered into his mouth.
“It tastes better with egg, right? You can have mine.”
But Cha Jun-jae shook his head, as if to say he was yielding it to me. He looked at me with clear, bright eyes and slowly swallowed his fried rice.
“You don’t like eggs?”
“I don’t know.”
I could only tilt my head at the rather absurd answer. Come to think of it, I had never once heard Cha Jun-jae strongly insist that he wanted to eat something or do something.
“What do you eat often?”
“……Gimbap?”
“Gimbap? So you like gimbap… I see. What else?”
“Ramen?”
“Ramen? Hmm, not that. Something a little more proper.”
My skills were mediocre, but I actually had quite a lot of interest in cooking. If I made something Cha Jun-jae liked, the whole island would probably bloom with smiles. Cha Jun-jae, however, only scooped up more fried rice with a face that showed little enthusiasm. It was the exact expression of someone eating simply to survive.
“Jun-jae.”
“Yeah?”
Cha Jun-jae, who had been lost in thought, snapped back to attention at my call. I was incredibly curious about what was going on inside that head of his that sometimes drifted off in one direction. I was just about to prod him again, thinking this was the perfect chance to learn more about Cha Jun-jae, when his voice came out a beat faster than mine.
“You don’t have to be so good to me.”
“Huh?”
My voice came out strangely because I had tried to speak and ended up turning it into a question. With an expression that suggested he understood everything in the world, Cha Jun-jae stopped eating his eggless fried rice.
“I know you’re kind, Song Eun-dam. I’ve relied on that a lot, whether I realized it or not. I thought I would just stay quietly by your side. But true to your personality, you’re gentle and warm.”
What on earth was this guy saying? Still, I stayed quiet and listened to him. Because his face showed that he had made up his own mind about something.
“I know that your kindness, whether it’s a whim or a sense of duty, is making you treat me warmly too. But I, without any conscience, keep crossing the line. You know it too. How I sometimes act like a crazy person.”
I did know. And yet the thought that he might be suggesting we break up right now was making me feel upset.
“So. You want me to go back to treating you like a cow or a chicken again?”
“Even if I turn into a lunatic and cross the line, give me three chances. If I go beyond that, I’ll disappear on my own.”
“Where would you disappear to?”
I had asked out of genuine curiosity, but Cha Jun-jae closed his mouth on that part. He couldn’t look at me, and his downcast eyes made frustration rise in my chest. I reached across the table, grabbed his chin, and lifted it.
“Do you like me, Jun-jae?”
Not some clumsy nod. Not those burning eyes. I wanted to hear the words come out of his mouth, even if they were empty. Cha Jun-jae seemed to realize he could no longer avoid it. His eyes closed. When they opened again to face the world, true emotion was blooming inside them.
“Enough to make you uncomfortable.”
“How much is that?”
“Enough to want to call you every single day.”
“Then……”
“To hold your hand and walk, to invite you to my house, to watch movies together, and when I’m bored, to talk about old stories.”
The reason I couldn’t continue was because a tear, too unreal to be true, fell from the corner of one of his eyes. A tear he himself didn’t seem to notice landed with a soft plop on my fingernail.
“I want to say things like, I ate, I’m home, I’m about to sleep, I woke up. Things like that.”
“……”
“It’s gotten so hard that I can’t be satisfied with imagination anymore, Eun-dam.”
“……”
“I want someone to be there for me too. And I want that someone to be you. I know it’s shameless.”
I gently stroked his dry lips with my thumb. At that touch, Cha Jun-jae let out a long, relieved breath.
“I’m sorry for liking you.”
But I didn’t understand what he was sorry for. It wasn’t because he liked me that he had hated me before. I had thought he liked me for no reason at all, but Cha Jun-jae…
had been in love with me.