Luck Be With You
I tugged my straw hat down low and stole a glance at our interlaced fingers. Warm sunlight, a cool breeze, and a man smiling like he owned the summer. He had burst into the path I used to walk alone every day, like a sudden downpour. He was turning my life upside down, but I had to admit his jokes and the way he spoke weren’t all that bad.
“Dambi, how about some ice cream?”
Dambi. After I’d shot down every other nickname—baby, honey, princess—this was the last one he stubbornly offered. It seemed he kept pushing it because my colorful reactions amused him. I answered in a voice as sweet as I could manage.
“If Jjuni wants it, let’s get some.”
I pointed at the mango flavor and grinned. Jjuni, Dambi—ridiculous pet names no one in the world had ever heard before, but he’d been the one to start this war. Cha Jun-jae paid no attention and simply bought one mango and one yogurt.
Soon two gelato cones were in our hands. I licked the sunny yellow mango gelato while looking up at him. Cha Jun-jae’s red tongue swept across the white ice cream.
“You want to?”
“Huh?”
“Swim.”
I’d missed what he said for a second. I nodded without thinking. Cha Jun-jae headed toward my usual shop on his own. Holding his hand and swinging it like we were on a swing, I savored the sweet mango flavor.
Hating someone, finding their flaws—it’s easy. But deliberately searching for what’s lovable about them, stepping outside your prejudices to truly see the person, that’s hard. Maybe that’s why my heart always felt tested whenever I tried to see him in a good light. Could I really forget everything that had happened and accept Cha Jun-jae? Could I tolerate whatever little schemes he might pull?
Once I got past that hurdle, the reward usually came without fail.
“Dambi.”
He called me right after we finished ordering at the usual shop, set our things down on the beach bed, stripped off our outer clothes, zipped up the rash guards we’d brought, and tucked the snorkeling masks under our arms—just as I was about to head into the sea without a hitch.
I was about to yell at him to stop using that embarrassing nickname in public when he pinched my cheek. He’d grabbed the cheek of someone who’d forgotten to say goodbye before rushing off to the ocean. Cha Jun-jae stole a kiss from my lips, now puckered like a goldfish. The soft smack left a shadow over his eyes.
“Don’t go out too deep.”
He kissed me again, as if one wasn’t enough, then finally let go of my cheek. He lay down on the beach bed that had become his reserved spot. He would stay there while I swam. Just like last time. I wiped my twice-stolen lips with the back of my hand. Only by getting into the sea would I be able to drown out the sound of my heart pounding so hard.
Whether I wiped my mouth or not, Cha Jun-jae finally took off his sunglasses and lay back comfortably. The wind, carrying the scent of the sea, gently tousled his bangs. With his eyes peacefully closed, he spoke as if he might fall asleep any second.
“Come check on me every thirty minutes.”
“Thirty minutes? Check what?”
“Whether I’m breathing or not.”
It was about that time his fever wouldn’t go down. He must have liked that I’d stopped swimming to come see him. Kid, what would you have done if we weren’t dating? Seeing him lower his guard like this made me smile. His words were so sweet I almost wanted to record them and play them back to him.
But the problem was Dambi. Which meant it was me. I was the one who had grown so used to sweetness and tenderness that I didn’t even want to question his true intentions.
“Jun-jae.”
Cha Jun-jae, who had cracked one eye open, was still holding my hand. He tilted his head to the side as if he didn’t want to let me go. Ever since we started dating, there had been very few days when shadows lingered on his face.
“Want to go together? I’ll show you the turtles.”
“Turtles are annoying…”
Having made his refusal clear, he gave my hand a light shake.
“Just come see me once every thirty minutes.”
“You don’t even know that seeing a turtle brings luck?”
“Then I definitely can’t go.”
“Why? You already have more luck than you know what to do with?”
“I can’t accept the luck a turtle gives. I promised the person above that I wouldn’t believe in anything else.”
Watching him turn into a devout believer overnight, I gave up trying to persuade him. After all, besides being with me, the only things Cha Jun-jae did of his own free will were smoke and swim. Back in Seoul it seemed he’d barely survived on the minimum amount of food. I had no desire to press him.
“But it’s okay if I take pictures and show you, right?”
“Why are you so eager to show me? It’s just a turtle, Dambi.”
He tilted his head as if he genuinely didn’t understand. His gaze stayed on me, as though he were trying to read my meaning.
I hope that turtle really becomes your luck and takes away the shadows in you that I can’t understand. You, who hold on to me so tightly I can’t look away even for a moment. I hope there will be many days soon when you smile even without me.
“I’ve seen plenty. I’ll give today’s turtle luck to you.”
Cha Jun-jae gripped my wrist more firmly. Feeling the strength that refused to let go, I grabbed his wrist in return.
“Why? You have something else to say?”
“Say more before you go.”
“What do you want to hear?”
“There’s nothing I want to hear. I wouldn’t shamelessly ask you to say anything when you probably don’t even want to date me.”
Cha Jun-jae spoke those rather heartbreaking words in a calm tone. As if he had expected my silence, he smiled brightly.
“Can I look at your phone, Eun-dam?”
“I need to take pictures.”
“You said they’re my turtles. So take them on my phone.”
It was a reasonable request, and there was nothing on my phone I needed to hide from him. With a slightly uneasy expression, I handed over my phone. In exchange, as I took his, I spoke almost unconsciously.
“The password is my birthday. My birthday is…”
“December 5th.”
Our eyes met as he answered indifferently and unlocked the phone. He smiled faintly and released my wrist. He gave my hand a gentle shake, clearly trying to send me off quickly.
“Every thirty minutes.”
“Ha.”
Holding one phone and looking like he’d conquered the world—what a face. I shrugged and stood up, walking toward the sea. Then I remembered Cha Jun-jae, who had seemed so eager to send me away, and glanced back. He was staring at my phone with little interest. For someone who had been dying to get his hands on it, he didn’t look like he was examining it very closely.
I plunged into the water with a splash and let my body adjust to the sea’s blue hues. The problems that had been tormenting me scattered like waves, and I dissolved into a new world. As I swam toward the turtle spotting area, I thought about Cha Jun-jae.
About how he was starting to look like a man to me.
The one thing I had never given Cha Jun-jae was my heart. That pride had let me face him with confidence no matter when we met. But if I gave him my heart, could I still stand before him with the same confidence? Would a man like Cha Jun-jae—so many people around him wanted him—truly cherish my heart?
The Cha Jun-jae of now was different from the one I used to know. That was partly because we had spent time together on the island and I’d discovered new sides of him, but also because his own condition wasn’t good. If everything got better, if he recovered completely and returned to the old Cha Jun-jae…
Would I be able to avoid resenting myself for having given him all of my heart?
Thinking too much in the sea was dangerous. This place was a cradle for countless lives, but also a graveyard for countless lives. I had to stay alert so the water wouldn’t sweep me away. I shook off my thoughts with small kicks and set out on my underwater exploration, sometimes bumping into waves as I moved swiftly forward.
That day I met a total of three turtles. A turtle family swimming leisurely as if they didn’t have a single worry in the world. I smiled quietly and lifted Cha Jun-jae’s phone.
Click.
I successfully captured a photo of luck for Cha Jun-jae. For some reason, I felt certain that real luck would come to him.